Heart,

""Can't stop her from moving out!""

Do you mean you can't stop her from moving IN?

Having access to the house means what exactly? She can breeze in and out whenever she likes, or if she asks to be allowed inside you cannot prevent her?

I forgot about what wording the divorce decree has in it when it comes to Plan B. I guess the plan B rules must give way to the plan D regulations.

You cannot stop her from moving in, but not into your bedroom!! Not into your life!

I second the motion as far as NOT MOVING OUT!!! You are making it easier for her to be in control.

NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO FALL TO PIECES!! NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO BECOME A QUIVERING PIECE OF MILQUETOAST!!

You must stay strong and resolute for the children.

YOUR ARE IN THE RIGHT HERE!!

YOU ARE ON THE HIGH ROAD!!

YOU MUST STAND STRAIGHT AND BRAVE FOR YOUR CHILDREN.

Why are you confused?? What is there to be confused about??

Your wife is continuing to have this affair, your children are suffering, you know what is right and what is wrong!!

You seem to be slipping away from us and maybe reality.

NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO DO THIS!!

Become indignant, become angry!!

You are in the fight of your life for your kids, your marriage, and your life as you know it.

NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO BE CONFUSED AND TO MOVE OUT!!

IMHO

kirk

If you move out, you'll hurt your chances in custody. Don't do it under any circumstances.

The decree doesn't say she can move in. It says that it has to be accessible and the kids need to be accessible.

There's a difference.

Oops! Sorry. Yes. Mean "moving IN"...

Sorry folks! But, I did move out. I just needed a break away from all that negativity. Feel so much better right now - away from the insanity that has been my life and family for the last 3 months!

I plan to return home within the week. Will give it 2 or 3 weeks then, and see how it goes, before I move out again - into the darkness of a renewed Plan B - this time with me being away from home/kids/adulteress.

How else would it work? Cannot imagine how to do a Plan B while she's in-house.

Thanks folks!

Dude,

""Cannot imagine how to do a Plan B while she's in-house.""

That's the deal brother, now that she is IN the house, you are one of the majority of BH's that humbly spook around nibbling at the crumbs of family life your WW will dole out when she feels like it....all the while fence-sitting with the gym-guy. (we had another gym-guy here a year or more ago.)

Did you move into her apartment?? Did you guys just switch living spaces? Making it easy?

So sorry to hear you move out...but it is sooo much more easier for you now, right?

kirk

Kirk, I've left and gone off to the East coast (my Sister's place). Will return later this week only to get some of the "mediation orientation" and lawyer stuff done, and will depart again in 2 or 3 weeks - going into a dark, DARK Plan B!

My S12 keeps telling her he wants to go with me, but I cannot take him unless she gives a letter stating that I have permission to take him out of state with me.

If she moved back into the house on the advice of her lawyer, it sounds like she is setting you up to take your kids away from you. Going to let that happen?

By moving out, it looks like you're the one who is abandoning. At least that's what I was told about the California courts. Move back in.

Yes, it will be difficult. You can pick--plan A or plan B. Either one. Plan B in-house is really difficult, so Plan A is probably a better way to go.

What does Jennifer say?

Heartinpain,

You're being setup for abandonment charges.

Not smart to leave your house. We've been warning you over and over about this.

Talk to your lawyer and he will confirm it. Don't believe us if you wish, but that's what she's doing.

Do not be set up to lose custody. Stay in your house with your kids.

Stay in the house - cooking, picking/dropping kids, being the "nanny" while she gets to go in/out and continue her adultery freely? Too painful to live like that!

S12 will *never* stay with her. Has made that clear repeatedly. Matter of time before D10 also follows suite.

At what point do they get to choose that? When does the court start to take their opinion into consideration?

Yes, I agree that this sounds hard, so you need to figure out a way to survive that is less hard. Don't be the nanny, be the father. Do it for your kids.

A thought: make it clear to her that she is not welcome in the house so long as she is actively engaged in adultery. You understand that legally you can't keep her out, but she's not welcome. When you are preparing meals, it's for you and the kids. Not her. Tell her that you will have to explain it to the children so that they understand the awkwardness she is creating. Remind her that this isn't the way you want it to be--that it doesn't have to be this way. But as long as she is engaged in adultery, she is not welcome in the house.

What message does it send your children that you left?

Heart,

""Stay in the house - cooking, picking/dropping kids, being the "nanny" while she gets to go in/out and continue her adultery freely?""

You let her back IN remember??!!!

Doesn't she still have her apartment???

DID YOU EVEN TELL HER '"NO WAY ARE YOU MOVING BACK IN""?? I bet you didn't. I bet you held the door open for her and helped her move her crap back in...and then you TOOK OFF!!!

Correct me, please, if I am wrong.

I am starting to see a whiney, pity poor me, attitude from you that WILL NOT prove to be a good look for you, if you ever wish to reconcile and rebuild with her.

SDguy said; ""make it clear to her that she is not welcome in the house so long as she is actively engaged in adultery.""

Do you even have the El Cajones* to tell her that??

Please prove me wrong on this.

kirk

*a little San Diego joke.

She has broken the apartment lease. Has possesion until the 15th to move stuff out. No, I did not hold the door open or help move any of her stuff in/out.

I also never told her "No way you are moving back in!" California laws give her equal access to the home.

I need advice on how to proceed now:

- Revert to Plan A while letting her co-exist relatively peacefully under the same roof, and assume the affair goes on, or

- Semi-Plan B while living under the same roof

- Dump kids on her and "run-off" to do dark Plan B from away

- Repeatedly ask her to leave the house, leaving me and kids alone

Schedule an emergency session with Jennifer and get her steer.

I hear what you're saying about the laws. He can say all he wants that she can't move back in, but there's nothing he can do to prevent her from moving back in. I'm expect she knows that and would love to remind him.

It's why I suggested doing the best plan B you can while she lives there. I was careful with the language "You are not welcome here as long as you are committing adultery." Then go about your plan B and ignore her as best you can.

And explain to your kids exactly why you are doing it. Explain that you are doing everything you can do to save the marriage, but that it's just too painful to have contact with their mother because of the hurtful things she is doing. Be calm and composed about it.

Maybe craft a new Plan B letter with some groundrules.

You already did a long plan A, right? Can you take any more of that?

Plan B in the same household is clearly suboptimum, but you moving out is much worse.

I think these two are terrible ideas.

This is just one opinion. I hope you get some more. Better still, consult with Jennifer. Or Steve.

Yes, I do have a request in for an urgent consult with Jennifer. Hoping to get a slot for this Friday.

Excellent. You're away in the meantime? Are you talking with your kids as much as possible?

Yes, still away. Talking as much as I can with kids. Back at home on Thu.

Whatever you do, dont do this.

Get back in the house!!!

Good. Use the next couple of peaceful days to gather your strength. You're going to need it.

Did you ever expose at the gym? I.e., does the management there know that one of their employees is engaged in adultery with a customer? You should tell them.

Yes, it will make your WW very angry, but there is zero hope for your marriage so long as she is actively wayward. The affair has to die first.

I don't have solid evidence, but it appears that OM was employed at my WW's employer's corporate gym. He no longer works there though - now employed by some other local gym. I have a feeling that his job change was specifically due to concerns that they were full-on A'ing while employed by the same corporation.

One thing: WW vehemently defends OM through all this! And that frigging hurts...