I need to get beer to go with the popcorn now!

TheRoad,

Apparently, this guy routinely hit on any woman he thought might be available. Unfortunately, my H was of the mindset that ANY man would hit upon an attractve women. I'm thinking that the guy probably did know that my H was a cheater and thought that I would be vulnerable. My H probably didn't say anything to him out of fear that they guy would squeal on him.

I don't think my H was cheating with his wife. The wife was too busy cheating with her boss! In any case, I believe that my husband, with one exception, avoided women with husbands. The husband of the exception DID confront my husband at one point, and I think my H dropped her like a hot potato.

me too, hunny.

C'mon people - entertain me - here I go to the trouble of getting popcorn AND beer and you guys stop. What's with that?

ok,
I'm going to say something here before this thread gets locked too, expecially since I started it.

What I did was stupid and not inspired by anyone here since I was still at 2 years out from even reading these boards.

Since that time, this board has taught me how stupid I was. For that I am grateful, but to suggest that this forum would in any mannor support my ignorance, is lunacy. It has done the complete opposite. It has made me see the fallacy of going after OM, and for all practical purposes, KEPT ME OUT OF JAIL!

When a person is destroyed by infidelity, they see two different enemies. One is the WS and the other is the OP.

We end up fighting a war on two different battlegrounds. One has the element of love, and the other has nothing to do with love. I firstly, chose the the front where there was no love, but rather, complete disrespect for not only my M, but my WW, where there was love.

Faced with dilemma, I chose the easiest prey to kill, that being the POSOM. In truth(and somewhat ashamed) I had no problem with this. In truth, he was the quickest kill. So I began with what was the least path of resistence, as I insticntly knew would be.
His end of the A was rather rapid faced with what I presented to him. It was no longer worth the pain and trouble I put him through.

WW was a much harder nut to crack, as I knew it would be. But seeing how quickly OM dropped her , as not worth it, was a huge factor IMO.

I know what I did is probably against what 99% of what most most people would have done and is very risky. But I loved my W so much, it was worth the risk for me, and seems to have turned out very well in the end.

I apologize to those who are offended.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Can BK pass the popcorn around as peace offerings? I don't think he'll give up his beer.

Yeah, but who'd want it anyway b_r? I'm sure he's drinking Foster's, 'cause as we all know "Foster's is Australian for beer"!

*BK soooooooo loves it when I say that!

Mrs. W

Well if it's Foster's forget it. I want a real import.

Look what happens when you are away for a day.

Ok so Looking4 and 2Long seem to understand my writing the best, I should probably work on that.

Here is the point I was trying to make.

1) Most of the posters on here recognize extreme anger at the OM as natural and even encourage it as a way to help the marriage heal. Some go so far to claim that those who do not experience it are mentally ill ( but I don't think she is actually a mental health professional.)

2) Many also encourage a face to face confrontation with the OM.

I think that these situations may lead to violence because of the overall incidence of violence in the real world in situations of adultery and around jealousy in general. I was not saying it will happen but it may happen.

3) I thought I should weigh in because I was not seeing anyone else suggest that violence may occur and that the BH should consider that outcome of the confrontation. Maybe a phone call would be safer , or maybe take sometime to calm down, or maybe ignore the OM and work with WW on the marriage.

4) If violence does occur this may end in favor of the BH (as in Jerry's case) or in favor of the OM. It may also create legal problems for the BH. In fact, even if he wins a physical confrontation his WW could go back to the OM and use the whole even against him. Certainly, Pariah experienced worse than that with the schemes of his WW.

If the BH even takes a simple punch at the OM, then the WW can use that for custody hearings and to obtain and order of protection to remove the BH from his own home. The BH can also face criminal prosecution and civil suits.

I am not against violence when necessary. I am an expert at Krav. I am saying that violence is unnecessary in this case and can be avoided.

I also never said the board compelled anyone to do anything. Let's not get too full of ourselves here, the board can not compel anyone to do anything even if we all tried to.

When Mel asked for evidence, but only from past board postings, I should have clarified my point but I was angry about a recent problem with my little brother and instead took the bait. That was a mistake, and I apologize to Mike and Jerry for using them as bad examples.

I should have simply pointed out, as 2Long has done, that such incidents are unlikely to appear on the board for several reasons.

1) Alot of people just drop off the board of their own accord, and admitting to beating up the OM or being beaten up is embarrassing. The board does tend to select for those who are more thoughtful but that is not a guarantee that the OM is not violent.

2) Some may have been arrested decided that they don't want board posts around as evidence. So they silently disappear.

3) The BH may have been seriously injured or killed. (Seems unlikely but I am trying to cover my bases.)

So when Melody said NEVER and I was saying MAY happen, my legal side said find one case and I win. I should have clarified instead of trying to claim a quick win and in the process hurting other posters.

I would not go so far as to say it should be encouraged - just that it is natural. I wouls also say deflecting that anger to OP for a while is productive less the anger be unleashed on the WS while emotions are so raw because that certainly will not help recovery to begin.


Yes. There is no such thing as a "win" here.

Jerry,

I also owe you an apology for using you as a piece of evidence. I am glad that your situation turned out well for you and W. I'm not saying you were a bad person for getting violent, I was trying to say (but not very clearly I guess) that it can turn out badly for the BH.


I think that we are more likely to hear the success stories here than the others. It seems less likely that a BH is going to post that he was cheated on and the OM beat him up as well. Or that he beat up the OM and then his WW left him for the OM. I hope you get the point.

I was angry, but not about the thread. I was/am angry at my little brother for cheating on his wife and I was posting under that influence. I'm sure you all can see how you would feel if a relative, who you love, did something this bad.

BigK,

I tend not to get the deflecting thing very well, because I am usually firmly in control of my mouth and actions. Sometimes I need to run to the gym for a few hours but I rarely have an outburst. My dad was all over me as a child about what things are appropriate to say and do. (All over means spankings)

I would only point out that this is all speculation based on nothing, though. Saying that something could have happened does not mean it DID; it is not evidence, it is hypothesizing. The absence of evidence is not evidence, 6years. On the other hand, we have numerous examples of very successful confrontations that have even led to the end of the affair.

You made your assertion because of Mike's case, who was actually specifically told NOT TO engage the OM. So, not even his example was a "win" even by your odd standards, rather it contradicted your point because he was told NOT to confront. We could not influence Mike at all even though many did try. So your grounds for telling people NOT to confront is not based any sound reason, but rather emotion and an eagerness to "win" a debate whether it makes any sense or not.


I think it is important to not overreact and to use reason when making recommendations. Acting on emotions is not helpful in an environment that is already fraught with emotions.

The most important thing to keep in mind is we are all adults and as such, are completely responsible for our behavior. This board does not have the power to make anyone commit violence and to imply otherwise is ludicrous.

Melody,

I never said the board compelled anyone to do anything. I'm not sure why you keep saying that. I was merely suggesting additional advice.

We are going to have to disagree about the domain of applicable evidence. I do think that the real world is evidence of possibilities.

And I would most certainly agree with this statement and am glad to hear you state this clearly.


And you are free to give additional advice. No one is stopping you.

Melody,

I have no idea at this point what your position is. If you post to someone to confront OM and then I post that they should consider that the confrontation my get violent. What will your response be?

I tried to clearly state my position and I am loathe to try to give yours for you. Can you just tell me what you position is?

I do think that my position above is supported by evidence, that violence can occur in these confrontations. I'm not sure how you would produce evidence that no BH has ever confronted an OM based on advice (however not compelled) from this forum and the result has been violence. As you said absence of evidence is not evidence. So you will need a complete set of documentation on all of the encounters to prove the never case.

Since I am not limited to the forum for evidence, as my opinion was not limited to advice given by members here, I only need to find a single case where violence has occurred under any situation of confrontation. Since I already provided that and apologized for naming names, I think that should suffice.

I agree that I could have made this easier, as I already said, by clarifying my opinion earlier.

6years, I think all this has been said ad nauseum and I see no reason to continually rehash it. You can't support your case and I don't see that changing. Saying the same thing over and over again does not help. A hypothetical assertion simply is not a substitute for evidence. Using that standard, anyone can hypothesize anything, no matter how absurd, and call it evidence. You are free to give whatever advice you choose to folks, and others are free to do the same. You don't need my approval to do that, just as I don't need your approval.

over and out....

Melody,

I'm not worried about your approval, obviously. I am worried about dragging threads down a rat hole of back and forth. At least this thread is dedicated to this issue.

I confronted WH at OW's house on Valentine's Day in 2008. OW called the cops after I knocked on the door and barged in asking where my freak'in H was. I yelled at WH, and WH pushed ME out the door. OW took a swing at me, knocking off my glasses. This was the first and last time I saw OW. But over the year, she harrassed me with texts and voice mail messages and even had the "class" to phone me once to let me know that WH had just left her bed after a 2 hour romp.

Do I regret the VD confrontation? No. Should I have harassed OW more? Yes. Should I have done more early on? Yes.

And why didn't I confront OW besides VD? Because WH (Yes, POSWH) told me to leave her alone. That she was vulnerable and could be suicidal. And I took the high road and listened.

And now POSOW and WH are together laughing their a$$es off at how stupid I was.