The affair lasted for about 3 months... One of those months involved her moving in and out of our house several times.

It sounds like you're getting to a good place. I know it's not what you wanted, but action helps keep you focused. If he's been sitting on the fence, and it sounds like he has, this could kick him into gear, but be prepared for that not happening. You can’t depend on him for your happiness.

Marriage is about weathering hard times, hopefully together, but only if there is commitment from both partners. If one isn't committed, then there is no point.

There's no rush to get the divorce, so if you move down that road, take your time and get your ducks in a row. If you can manage it, I think the Plan A stuff can still work. Plan B can be very empowering as well, so weigh your options.

Peace is your goal! So glad to hear that you're beginning to find it. Keep up the good work!

I try to be in a good place, to go to work, continue my responsibilities, but it still hurts, I miss him so much, but I don't here from him, nothing, nothing, nothing,!!!!!!!!!!!

I am trying to have some closure, but it hurts, I don't deserve this hurt, I don't deserve to be to the cause of his unhappiness, I thought we were on our way, to the next level, and he jumped ship!!!!! I want to call him, but it will not do any good, I feel taken for granted, and neglected. I am trying so hard to stay positive, and focused, but it hurts!!!!! my heart feels ripped out, he used me for his own needs, and not to give anything back, nothing, it hurts, I miss making love, I miss having dinner with him, I miss sleeping with him and holding each other, I miss sharing our evenings, I miss his voice, I miss him coming in the house, I miss him calling me several times a day, I miss our life together. I want this pain to go away!!!!!

Hi Sunshine,

I been away for a short time.

I want to wish you time to rebuild. Take time to cry it out when you need to. There is many folks here that understand your frustration. Use this time to evaluate your situation that you become stronger.

Thanks Imagine,

I haven't cried like that in a long time, I guess because we have been communicating. I know I need to take care of myself, and I am. But working Plan A is keeping some kind of commmunication. Not as often and detached and short.

I sent him a text last night, "remember Teresa - wig roly play and you took a lot of photos and then........" no response.

Was this ok or should I wait and give myself time, is this working Plan A. The last text was this past Sunday. haven't talked with him since last Tuesday.

He is depressed - could he be going through withdrawl from his affair? when I did call he was alone, and has been for the last few conversations.

We have not talked in a week, that has been the longest time since we have been apart. He is very stubborn. this is his pattern of behavior - being stubborn to prove he is always right, narsacitic? maybe this is the fog, you think?

Now is the time for me, and what ever happens, happens?

I don't know if this is a plan or not, but he can not even address the situation at all with me. all he has talked about is himself, no empathy, again, the fog? I have to remember that I am not dealing with a rational person, nothing makes sense anymore, I can't feel sorry for him, I love and care for him, but he is not the person I married.

I want to make sure that if he does come back, it is not a free ride, so to speak, so I wonder if I should just lay low for a few days. Then ask how he is doing? maybe? I don't know!

Sunshine,

If this is any encouragement, there is a post here where the wandering husband did not respond to the letters he received. He kept every one for a year. Guilt ridden he did not respond, until one day he came home unshaven and asked if she would take him back.

I'm not saying that this will happen to you, but maybe good can still occur in your relationship.

Meantime, you know that we are all here!

Maybe he's staying away because almost everytime you talk to him the topic is the relationship. Plan A means NO talking about the relationship. Just being pleasant, being the woman he fell in love with to begin with. I never had to do Plan A (I didn't know about MB) but I imagine it is hard. I was pretty much like you... fretting, worrying, being CONSUMED with HIM and what HE's doing... instead of working on myself.

I know how you feel, I've walked in your shoes.

I believe the best chance for you is to follow the Plans here to the letter. Your husband has detached or is trying hard to totally detach from you. The VERY NEXT TIME you get an opportunity for face-to-face contact, make it pleasant, inviting, warm, happy-face. Get it?

Even when you talk to him on the phone... joking, speaking with a smile in your voice, talking about YOUR plans, goals, etc. Get it?

THEN... after about six weeks of good SOLID Plan A stuff, you go to Plan B.

Get it?

Sunshine. This is so so hard. We're here for you.

Yes, take EVERYTHING he says with a very large grain of salt. Don't let it get to you. It's all self-delusion and cover-up for his shameful behavior. It's not about YOU at all. Remember this. No matter how much they blame the marriage or you, it is NOT about you. My wife's fog is lifting a little now and she has repeatedly said that it's all her fault, it's her issues and weaknesses that caused the affair. This is in stark contrast to the "I have a dead marriage" line that she told everyone during the affair.

Just work on YOU. Get it through your horribly injured and needy and pain-ridden head. Confidence. Move forward. You can do this, and I PROMISE you, you feel much better because of it, regardless of the outcome. I know the pain seems unbearable, but it will subside little by little as you put yourself in a better place.

Hi Sunshine,

I read your posts and have to tell you that my WS was equally abusive to me during the A. He told me soooooo many times that he didn't love me and wanted OUT of our marriage. I would just sit there and listen with this pathetic look on my face. Once he started screaming . . "don't you get it are you THICK? I don't love you and haven't in a LONG time!" That was during the A and he told me after D-day #1 that it was just because he felt the pressure of the A and the OW not telling her H. Maybe your WS is waiting to see if the OW leaves her current relationship? Just a thought. I am not condoning his verbal ranting just trying to make sense of your sitch. The cell phone thing . . .my WS would turn it off when he was with the OW. Remember things are probably not so great in his world right now. I just think that he is waiting for something to happen on his side. He did move out on his W. Will the OP reciprocate? Seems all the cards are on the table. I give you soooo much credit. He doesn't want to lose you completely until you are replaced. I almost forgot the most important thing I wanted to tell you . . . . When the A was first revealed and for the next 6mos. All he tried to blame his actions on was his Childhood!! Just to derail any attempts on my part (or his families)to talk about the A. He was so hurt and neglected and never taken seriously . . . on and on and on . . . Also that he never stood up for himself and just tried to please everyone else around him . . . I was too wrapped up in the children . . . . a victim!! Even is MC he used this technique . . . saw right through it though!

You guys really know how to embrass someone, me! Today was better, maybe because of a good cry last night. I have a good one every once in a while, at one point it was daily, I could hardly wait to get off work and let it pour. But it is getting better, I don't know why yesterday was so hard, but I accepted it because I needed to cry. I have so many things going on, I don't like this craziness, how do individuals give up so much of their lifes for a fling? Individual invest time, money, energy, so much to let it go up in smoke - for what? to realize that what they had was enough in the first place. don't have time for this mess. I am trying to work with some peers, creating our own practice, seeing clients, and going to exercise class. I have my family keeping tabs on me, I love my family and friends, they give me enough space to heal, but not enough to lay dormat. I appreciate so much, I am able to manage my household, continue my lifestyle that I enjoy so much. Just meaning that I feel safe and embrassed, my friends let me go on, and on, and on! we laugh about it sometimes, I can say to them what they really want to say to me sometimes, enough already...LOL.

Sometimes it's like a rebirth. renewing myself, re-acknowledging who I turly am without the chaos, I am beginning to have the courage I need to move forward.

Who knows what the future holds, but I am willing to fight a good fight to save my marriage, within reason, I already feel foolish at times, but I say to myself, what do I have to loose?

I don't know what else to say about my husband right now, except that he has not closed the door completely, and I am moving away from relationship talk. I send him silly text, nothing to do with us. Like! Blasta Butter Popcorn! he knows that I like extra butter on my popcorn. I thought it was funny! well, maybe corny!!! but it is not relationship talk. that's the point right now no relationship talk, even if he does't respond, 6 weeks, I can do! in the mean time I know you guys are here for me, good days, and bad days.

any instructions at this point?

Thank you! oh, how do you get the icons, faces inserted into the post, I have tried using my cursor-click, I am trying to get the hang of the site.

LOL, that took me forever to figure out and there is still a lot I can't do.

Place the cursor where you want an emoticon, then click on the smiley in the tool bar thing, that opens a new box with all the smiley etc., then click on the one that you want.

Go ahead and practice, for some silly reason it lightens a lousy mood.

Hi Sunshine,

Even though my sitch is in limbo. . .I still find it comforting to find all of the commonalities with everyone on this site. I feel relieved that I'm not the only one holding onto someone who has basically thrown me away for his own selfish life. I think all of the times I replay his verbal abuse in my head can now be replaced with "alien-talk" bleep bleep . . . That should help. Everytime I was thinking about what he said I relived the trauma all over again. I know this cannot go on forever but I am trying to get my courage up after 5 months of no relationship talk. I want to introduce him to the En's concept and see if he is receptive. I am hoping that he will not shut me down this time. That will only make me think that he is in contact again with the OW. That I cannot handle again. Too many False Recoveries and drama that I do not want to re-live. We are supposed to take a trip in April. He is planning it and I think it will tell me alot about his intentions for the future. Thanks for listening!

sounds like you are a lot further along than where I am. It's just been since this last week that my husband has not responded to any of my text. Like I said, I think he has went into the dark! It would be easier for me to go away, but I am visable, I am real and we are still married. How did you get him to make arrangement to take a trip?

The trip was totally his idea. We were originally going someplace warm but the air fare was too high. Anyway he wanted to go away and I agreed. He arranged for my MIL to come and watch the kids and is making all the reservations etc. Some effort on his part. But we had 2 other trips that were during the A. The last of which was back to back with a trip he took to see the OW. I figured it all out and went early and pissed him ( and apparently HER ) off to no end. I was trying to psych her out and it worked. This was before her H found out. I put up with his A for 4 months thinking he would end it with the exposure that I did in our lives and it didn't end it. SO after that horrible trip I arranged for the OW's H to be called. That's when she dropped my WS. That was followed by an intense period of false recovery, withdrawl on his part and tons and tons of crying. He wrote her letters and all kinds of drama. But we will see. He is away now and has been texting me a lot tonight. There was a time when I would just wait to hear from him or get a text . . . I know sounds familiar but that's where I WAS. I guess I am cautiously optomistic about us. I really do want it to work but just hate to get my hopes up again!

did you work plan A or any plans?

Sunshine, I just caught up on this thread. I'm not an expert by any means but I do agree with PrincessMeggy. You are not in Plan A if you are bringing up the relationship. Every time you recap your texts and conversations, they are full of relationship talk.

Waywards are in a fog--aliens have taken over their bodies. It's not unusual for them to rewrite marital history. Do NOT take any of this personally. He is ET.

In my own (unlearned) opinion, I think you've been in plan A long enough--he's either still in the A, or is still fearful of coming home for some reason. I think you need to go Plan B.

And remember, both Plan A *and* B are for YOU--not him.

Unknowingly Plan A. Which I truly needed . . . Full time job, 3 small children and a traveling husband! No ones needs were being met in the M. But he met someone while traveling for work and then tried to pin the blame on me for the distance between us. ANyways it will have to be a whole new marriage if we are ever going to make it. When I was crying my heart out to my family they said some pretty mean stuff. . . I shouldnt have told them everything he was doing. . . they really loved him and now haven'tspoken to him in over a year. My parent treated him like a son and now NO CONTACT! So life goes on and I feel a lot of pressure to hang it up!

OurHouse, It has been 8 months now since our seperation, the conversations in the beginning were not good, I have managed to make some sense of things now since coming here, only been working plan A since 3/2/09. You think I should move on to Plan B. I no longer talk about the relationship, I talk about little things. detached, and short. but it has been 8 months. back and forth with relationship talk, mostly he blaming me and talking about how the marriage was a mistake and that he is sorry about what happened and how it happened. up unitl now. Plan B is n/c.

I believe that he is alone most of the time, I want to work a plan just say which one won would be best at this time. I have been instructed to continue with Plan A for at least 6 weeks. Just sending light text and emails, no phone conversations since last Tuesday. But I will listen!!!

Thank you

I should like to qualify that statement. 6 weeks or until you are (as we say in South Africa) "gatvol". An accurate translation for this word would be "constipated with crud"

You certainly sound on the right track right now.

And that's a good SOLID Plan A... no relationship talk, working on you to make yourself a better person, wife, friend (JUST FOR YOU!). Then... (if not before as Imagine says) to Plan B.

Yeah, I don't think it will hurt if you stick with plan A a little longer, but I'll tell you from my experience, it's when my wife thinks she's losing me that she works the hardest. Even today, she screwed up last night, I am being very stand-offish and she's just showering me with cuddles and small talk and texts and emails.

I don't think anyone would blame you for going to Plan B. He's seen that you are waiting for him, he just thinks you'll wait forever. Help him see that that is not the case.

You are sounding stroger and stronger. Keep it up!!!