In reality your wife probably checked out of the marraige several months before the affair. Meaning she lost feelings for you a while ago. Remember she is wayward and she is "flawed". Do you want to play your part in bringing her back to reality ? If so, tough it out through her withdrawl.

My wife said the same thing several months ago. He hurt me like hell. Well, worse she said she loved the OM. The pain I went through the next several months was not even close to what I had ever experienced.

I never lost it though. It was painful everyday. I was counting every day, every week. But not anymore. It is getting so much better. You have to force yourself into working on yourself. Do things you always wanted to do. Take up a new hobby or something. Start reading up.

You are still very early in recovery. What are doing to become a better person in the meantime ?

I am back in church trying to get closer to God than I have ever been before. I am taking myself to the gym to work out and do some running. I am also hanging out with some friends that want me to be around. It is certainly painful and I just have a hard time getting through every day. She doesnt want to live together, and so I want seperation to figure things out. I havent done a very good job of seperation yet, but starting tonight we will only see each other at counseling.

Ok, so last night was rough and here is why...

I went to my apartment to pick up a few more things (Knowing she would not be there because she said she was at a friends house). I was only going for that reason. I went into the bedroom and saw my wifes wedding ring hidden between the TV and Cable box where she NEVER puts it. I also looked in my nightstand drawer to see where I had placed 2 condoms and there was only 1. I went into the kitchen and there were 2 shot glasses sitting out.

I confronted her about all of these things. The ring, she says she was getting ready yesterday morning and forgot to put it on and then when she got off work (She works at our apartment complex) she was so frustrated that she did not want to be anywhere near the property because of a tough day at work. She says that she didnt even know there were condoms in the drawer and doesnt know what happened to the other one. The shot glasses she says she took out 2 of them instead of having to pour 2 shots that she wanted to take.

Either I am looking into this too deep or this is complete BS. This is why it is so hard for me to continue because there are so many things going on to show me she really doesnt care.

Any other opinions?

Do you want us to tell you what you already know?

Ok - she's cheating on you and she's lying to you, and she's had OM over on at least one occasion. Not only that, she was bold enough to offer him one of your condoms, and he was bold enough to take it.

So, what are you going to do?

Sadly I agree with MIM. And I am a WW so I have some pretty solid knowledge. I'm so sorry H4L...

Yeah you have every reason to assume the worse, so assume the worse. Her indifference is a pretty sure sign that she's still involved.

I talked with a friend of mine yesterday who had cheated on her longtime boyfriend. She said she would lie as long as she could get away with it. It's made me scared to death of my own possible recovery. Ugh.

Its so damn depressing thinking about all of this, why do I want to believe her? I dont know if it is fog or what but its so hard. I just dont know what to do anymore.

You work on yourself. Remove the focus from her, and back onto you, where it belongs. Change up your routine, add some exercise if you're not already. Try yoga for relaxing. Start a hobby. Find somewhere to volunteer.

What do I do if I think about her 24/7 though? How do I fill the need to talk to her? I just want things to be back to normal and live together and be husband in wife. She told me yesterday that she is ready now to be 100% in this (We went to counseling last night). The counselor ask her what she would be losing by divorcing me and she quickly said that she is worried she would never find someone that would love her as much as I do and would be as careing and protective. She also told me that she wants me to be the only man in her life ever again, and become best friends.

If I asked her why we couldnt live together again and work on things she would tell me she is not ready for that yet. I wonder how long that will take.

Do you know who OM is?
Have you exposed the affair (not "Does anyone else know" but "Have YOU told them")? If so, to whom?

Oh boy!!! You're on the same ride I was/am! I'm telling you this and it's a stone cold fact: When she is afraid you'll leave her, she'll come after you and say all the right things. Then when you make her feel all better, she'll go back to waffling and thinking about the OM. PLEASE remember. Actions speak louder than words. When she is ready to commit to the marriage, she'll move back in. Tell her that. "I won't believe that you are serious about us until you have moved back in and are taking the correct steps to fix our marriage."

Right now, it's just cake-eating/fence sitting.

My wife has moved back in and seems to be committed to the marriage, but her behavior is still really selfish and foggy. I fell asleep last night thinking about divorce again. Sounded like the best answer. Trying to remember to give it more time for withdrawal to wear off/fog to lift. Every time I give in and make my wife feel OK, she becomes very selfish and pulls away. When I pull away, she becomes needy and apologetic.

Even though you will be tempted to dive back in head first when she says these nice things, she's still all screwy in the head, I guarantee it. Caution, confidence and strength!

I have done some exposing, and here is a list of everyone I can think of right now that knows and I have confirmed that they know:

Her parents and brother
Her best friend and her husband
Her Aunt
Her Cousins
The OM's wife and family
The OM's family
People at her former job that the affair happened at
My family: Parents, siblings, cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles and friends of the family

I dont feel like her job that she has now needs to know because it did not happen there and none of them know the OM.

When you chase her -- she runs away.

If you walk away -- she will chase you.

There is nothing "attractive" about someone who is needy, clingy, whiny, begging, or demanding.

Be ATTRACTIVE to her.

My counselor told me not to force the issue of us moving back in together, but I have told her that I will know it is serious and she is committed once that happens. I fully believe she is trying to get to that point, but until then I just cannot completely believe her. I do not really understand why we cannot live together but my counselor said I need to accept it right now even though I dont understand it. I feel like I just need to back off and let her come back on her own, its so very hard to do though. I dont want her to think even for a second that I dont want her back. Its hard to try to not send the wrong message. Its almost like she doesnt hear me when I say I want this to work, but I also want her to come back on her own, without my assistance.

Translation: I will string him along while I check out any other opportunities available. That way if I don't find anything better, I can turn to him, because obviously he wants me and he's willing to wait for me.

I woefully have to agree that this translation is true.

I specifically asked not "Does anyone else know" but "Have YOU told them"

So you gave a list of people who know.
Did YOU tell them?


I'm not trying to beat you up. How they found out is important. I'm trying to understand how they found out. Did YOU tell them?

She is not remotely trying to get to that point.
She is cake eating.
She is having an affair with OM who is meeting some of her ENs and she has you trying to meet her ENs too.
Who in their right mind would give that up?


She doesn't hear you. She's in an affair. She only hears what she wants to hear. That's normal.

I personally think counseling is a waste of time while she's still involved with OM. I think you should drop all relationship talk and focus on meeting her ENs and avoiding LBs for as long as you can (Plan A). Then if you have to, go to Plan B.

Jilted,
You'll get better responses to your post if you start your own thread. Also you'll allow H4L to continue his own story in his own thread.

Welcome to MB.

The people that I have told are my family and friends. She has told her family and her friends all of which I have spoke to, to make sure they know everything that happened.