Go for it RooGirl,

I don't think my pre-A M was as I had dreamed it would be. But post-A it is lovely.

Good luck

Hey, RooGirl. I hope you're checking back so you can keep that motivation to shed the lies and do the right thing. YOU CAN DO THIS and I hope this weekend you will grab whatever opportunity you may have to tell your H.

Remember to tell your H EVERYTHING. Any question he asks, answer it honestly and fully. No half-truths. No omissions. No answering based on exactly what he said when you know what he really meant to say. (No "What does 'is' mean?" thinking, in otherwords.)

Stay strong. Stay brave. Stay committed. And give your M a fighting chance at recovery.

I'll check in throughout the weekend to see how you're doing.

Good luck.

-L4

L4, I am here. And a bit depressed. My H said that he has plans this weekend; that maybe I could come talk to him on Sunday. That doesn't seem like a good idea to me because he works that day so he would have to leave for work in the early afternoon.

What about when he gets back from work Sunday night? I don't want you to lose your conviction to do this, RooGirl. It might be where you stress to your H how important it is for him to make the time to talk with you.

How are you doing?

While it would be an option, it just doesn't make sense. I spoke with him just now and he said he would call me this week; that maybe Friday night after work (around 11 pm) or on Saturday would work.


Not great. I am lonely. It worries me to tell him this so that he can reject me, though he completely, 100% has that right. It worries me that he may say he wants to work it out because it seems like not only are the odds stacked against us but our hours at work are, too. It seems like we would standing at the bottom of a mountain, looking up at it, and all we would have are plastic forks to use as walking sticks.

So far this year I've been thinking that he's moving on with his life and that it would be more cruel to tell him this awful thing than to simply keep my mouth shut and live with my guilt.

I felt the same way.

'If we're going to be divorced anyway, why double the pain for him and admit what I've done? He's going to be hurt from the D, why pile on the A as well?'

The reason you tell is because you want to try to save this marriage and you can't without total honesty. If you feel it's a lost cause, what is there to lose? Yes, you'll hurt him, but think of what you have to gain if he wants to recover with you?

Another possible outcome is that he finds relief in it. He may have been thinking that something is off and feeling like he's going crazy. You sharing the truth will help him put recent events into proper perspective -- that you have been with someone else and have been dueling within yourslf, acting distant, neglecting H, or whatever other actions because of your choices.

Guess what? I told and my H decided that for now, at least, he wants to stay married. And our relationship has been better than is has been in at least 8 years, maybe more. My H doesn't subscribe to MB, but he is unknowingly filling my LB more than ever.

You're scared and that's understandable. You feel lonely and that too is understandable. But you're not alone. You've done a horrible thing but sadly others have done the same. The fact that you will tell your H, however, makes you different than many. Take courage in that.

Please don't lose your conviction. Plan for Saturday by removing disctractions that you can, including turning off phones. And come back here if you need a pep talk.

Again, you can do this.

God bless, RG.

Yep, that's exactly what I'm thinking.

OK. I am 75% sure that Saturday will be the day. Does anyone have advice to offer on how to deliver such news? There was a post I read a week or so ago where folks were talking about the "best" way to receive such news: after spending a great day or weekend together, after having filled up his Love Bank as much as I can. I'm not sure he would allow me to do that.

I don't feel foggy (today is day 6 of NC) but am I just fooling myself? There are things around my apartment that remind me of the POSOM and while I want to get rid of these things, should I wait until my H and I can do it together? Do I wait to write out a timeline of the A? I want to plan and be prepared but will he think that I'm an absolute idiot when I present him with this? I don't want to overwhelm him. I want to do this in the most RIGHT way that I can, since I've been doing everthing WRONG for so long.

I wouldn't. Get rid of them for your sake. Your H probably doesn't know all of the items you associate with OM and seeing exactly what the items are might hurt him even more -- to think these things that represent the OM were in his home all this time. If you get rid of the toaster because it is a trigger and your H asks about it, tell him why you got rid of it. "It reminded me of the OM and I had to get it out of our home because I need him out of our lives in every way." Otherwise he doesn't need to know every CD, t-shirt, stuffed animal, and coffee mug that at one time made your heart flutter.

That's why you get rid of it all. To get rid of OM from your life as well as for your M. Don't sit another 5 days with those reminders just in case your H wants to take a sledge hammer to them. Purge now -- sooner is better.

I'll let BSs answer your other question as to how to tell.

Still thinking of you, RG.

Maybe I haven't been clear. I moved out of the house I shared with my H at the beginning of November - NOT to be with the OM. My H has never been to my apartment.

That said, you're right. I will take these things out to the trash today. I still tell H about them or no? We're not talking extravagant stuff here. What I have are 2-3 books and some ceramic Tiki mugs from a bar. And I will be going through my undies and throwing all of them out. I've lost 15+ pounds in the last three months so most of them don't really fit anyway.

Thank you, L4...

Hi Roo,

Yes throw any gifts and reminders of OM away pronto. You can tell BH that you threw up every gift received, piece of clothing you wore around OM, etc. If he wants an inventory later than you can tell him what you threw away.

As for telling him, there's no "good way." Just don't shift blame or defend your actions. Don't lie any more to him NO MATTER WHAT! Further lies will make any chance of recovery more difficult. Tell him alone.

Hello black_raven and thank you. I am getting the trash together after I post this and the things will be in the trash in minutes. Good point that I can give him an inventory later if he wants one.

Thank you also for the reminder that there is no "good way." Telling him alone wont be a problem as we don't have children.

Another question. It is presumptuous to pack an overnight bag on Saturday when I head to see him but I could leave it in my truck. My hope is that after I drop this bombshell he would allow me to sleep on the couch so that I'm there if he wants to talk. Is this a no-no? I wouldn't tell him about it but I would be prepared if it went that way.

Also, I am going to make an appointment for STD testing tomorrow (humiliating but one reaps what they sow). Is this advisable or, again, should I wait until we talk about it?

Get the test as soon as you can. It shows that in the scheme of things you are being as proactive as you can be. Your actions show you are doing your best now to protect your H.

Thank you, L4.

<off to read the most recent stuff on your thread>

It can't hurt to pack the overnight bag, but I would leave it in the car. I'd also get the STD testing done ASAP. What made a big difference to me with my FWH was that he was very proactive in doing things to show me that OW was out of the picture no matter whether I decided to try and reconcile or not. FWH was sick over his A and how much he hurt me. If I would have had to direct him to do this or that I KNOW I would have been ticked that it didn't dawn on him to do the right things like tossing out gifts. :twobyfour:

I wasn't sure whether or not you had children, but don't even tell him if others are present. There was one case here, where the WW told the BH with his friend present. I recall the BH felt humiliated that he had been carpet bombed in front of his friend ontop of everything else.

Thank you - I'll pack a bag and leave it in the car.

Also thank you for letting me know that being proactive is OK. My thinking has been that it could bother him that I've thought so much about this but perhaps it's GOOD.

As for telling him in front of others no way, no how. I'm shaking my head wondering what that person was thinking.

Every reason to get rid of every gift from the OM.

No reason to have to tell your BH about the gifts OM gave you if BH does not ask.

If BH ask's you can say you threw them all away. If he ask's for details you then tell him.

This way you can advoid possible triggers.

Thank you, Road, everyone. Really. The triggers are in the dumpster.

I was able to get in to have the STD testing tomorrow morning so I would think, perhaps, that I'd even have some results before seeing my H on Saturday. This is moving very quickly... Not sure how I feel about that.

Hi, RooGirl. Just letting you know you have not been forgotten. I want to make sure the momentum for and your conviction for confessing continues. The steps you've already taken are good -- with the test and the removal of all triggers.

How are you doing?

Hi L4...

Got the test results back and they're all clean. Good news.

You know, I don't know how I'm doing. H wants to get together on Sunday rather than Saturday. When I asked him why he said that he may be going fishing. This is after I have, for the past two week, stressed that it's very important for us to talk. This is after him saying that Saturday would be good. It feels like he's found something he'd rather do and I can't fault him for that. Still, it hurts. I said yes to Sunday and have arranged to have Monday off.

Is it normal to be wondering if this is what I really want - my marriage back? Neither H nor I have been making lovebank deposits in around 3 years. Feeling this confused just bites.

Well, I can only give you my perspective...

Yes.

I was certain I was going to leave my H. Even though the PA was over, I was just waiting for that last little push to convince me to file. I was really close when whadda ya know? The little stinker agreed finally (after 3 years of asking!) to go to MC. We went and I started seeing changes. How could it be? Where was the meanie I had been living with for a few years? Where was the man who refused to kiss me and who I felt couldn't give a rat's backside about me? Why was he asking me my opinion? Was he actually talking to me? Did some creature take over his body?

So I was conflicted. I was standing on the edge of D. I was leaning forward just about to fall when I felt my hand being grabbed. I had the open unknown of D on one side and my H holding my hand on the other. And I didn't know what I wanted.

Could I trust my H? I hadn't been able to trust him with my heart for many many months so how could I trust him then? Were his changes for real? And I had also had an affair. There is no way that I should stay married to a man when I obviously didn't love him enough to stop from having an affair. So I too, know conflict.

In the end, I had to tell him. He deserved the choice. I needed to be free of my lies. I needed to see if our marriage could make it based on truth and not deceit. I needed to trust my H to make the best decision for himself. And if that included me, I was game. If not, then my decision was made for me. There was so much to lose, but what there was to gain from confessing was much more. And it was right.

So yes, it's normal to wonder if you want it back. You had an affair so obviously you doubted your M as it was, on some level. You responded to that doubt in a bad way, but it must have been there. You have no love deposits, but guess what? That doesn't mean they don't exist. They may not be sitting your bank right now, but they could be sitting just out there in your H's armoured truck, ready for delivery. ...Okay, that's a weak analogy, but I hope you get my point.

I'm glad the tests came back with good news.

I'm penciling in Sunday then. And as Tim Gunn says, "Make it work."

Stay strong, RG.