I hope that I did not give that impression that all affairs are unhappy, I was just hoping! Don't want to offend anyone. Just thinking out load.

Whilst they may 'think' they are happy people in A's have no concept of what happiness is. They are to selfish to enjoy the pleasure or true love.

You lost me LOL. No offense taken by me. I was merely pointing out that I had seen one of the 3% with my own eyeballs.

My xww had two A’s on me, then one day she came to me and said “file for divorce or I will.” I did, I was tried of the junk . For over two years I was doing all the work . She did nothing. She was in shock that I filed. Xww and OM2 got married and “D” with in 11/2 years after getting married. The Man of her dreams was beating her , from what my son said. She was cheating on OM2 with OM3. OM3 moved in two months later . they lived together get for 3 years before they got married. They were married and 7 months later she moved out. She has OM4. She was cheating on him(OM3) 3 months after they were married.

She has told my youngest son (now 18) many times that she was still in love with me.
Ya right!!!!

I have been remarried for going on 9 years to the most wonderful woman. and am very very happy

I think some people fail the "basic compatibility test" - they are not peers. BBut really there is no such thing as compatibility. Compatibility is created by the mutual accommodation of each other - Dr Harley's care, protection, time and honesty.

There is no such thing as soulmates other than to say you will believe at the time that anyone you are in love with is your soulmate.

Bump.

Conspiracy theories indeed...

My bro went on a business trip to CA, met a younger OW at a company function, came back to town, left and divorced his W of 25 years. She was devastated, angry, etc. (At one point, she "accidentally" set his LazyBoy on fire.)

Anyways, she got better and started dating. Bro got sick (deathly) and dumped OW. Had to work hard to get back into the good graces of his grown children. SIL and Bro reconciled (but not recovered!) and remarried. They went to Hawaii for a 2nd honeymoon, came back and SIL divorced bro a couple of months later.

They have both since remarried.

Their whole family was destroyed by my bro's A.

P.S. What makes ME sick is that I HELPED my bro file his divorce! This was before it happened to me. I just wanted him to be happy. Ugh.....

Bump.

I strongly believe that this phenomenom happens A LOT! I would virtually guarantee, knowing her innate stubbornness and "rather poke out her own eye than admit fault & apologize" mentality, that this scenario has been (and is) at play with my own xWW. Some people, once they have 'burned a bridge', find it very difficult to admit wrongdoing, own up to mistakes, and cop to their own misconceptions and past deceits.

Some people truly would rather cut off their nose to spite their face...

Based on everything I have read and all the people I have talked to who lived this, I feel confident in making the following GENERALIZATIONS about WSs in romantic affairs(RA) & affair-marriages(AM):

They are ecstatically happy in the initial phases and through the AM 'honeymoon phase'...the grass is GREEN!

During this time, they are absolutely convinced of the "rightness" of their decision and see the A/OP as the answer to all their previous worries and discontents.

Somewhere about year 2-3 of the AM typically, the infatuation wears thin and the warts show through. The new spouse is DIFFERENT (often negatively so) from the xS they abandoned. They start to realize how horrific the sacrifices (family, ex, friends, kids, personal values) were and wonder if it was truly worth it.

With nothing left to sacrifice in justification of the A/AM, it becomes mundane...with accumulated regret, guilt, and unmet (unrealistic) expectations to boot.

It collapses when they realize that the AM spouse is NOT someone they would have chosen to be with had they been emotionally healthy/stable & stuck to their principles & standards in the first place.

I know they do exist, but it is RARE for an AM to blissfully make it 10 years and VERY RARE for an AM to truly "last forever".

SDCWman,

I so hope you are right. I would want nothing more than ExH's AM to collapse.

The sad part is that now they are having a baby and that child would suffer as my kids still do!

It still amazes me that those in an /AM are so selfish and can only think of their happiness, even when it comes to their own kids.

Cat

I often wonder if its true that if you leave your ex and the OP alone so they have nothing to justify their relationship for, then the relationship is doomed. Doesn't seem true in my case at all. In my case, I will always wonder if I had put up a fight or did what I could to make them miserable if it would have ended the affair sooner.

Another issue that may cause an affair to continue are those who support the affair. (friends and family). I have no doubt at all if my ex's family had not enabled and encouraged the affair it would never have made it this far, the financial price was to high. They have been able to bond and have a great fantasy life because there have been no everyday money/bills/housing/children issues between the two of them. And I realize that changes (in my case it finally started) but my ex is stuck now, I don't want him, and he has nowhere to go but to stay where he is at and put on a happy face. I think my ex's affair will last because where would he go? He has nothing to offer another ho who would help him leave the affair now that he is responsible to two families.

Definately. I would say that has crossed every BSs mind that ever found out. There are also lots of people who are too selfish, too independent, and too immature. I would say many people should never have had children as well. I always wonder how many affairs are going on unbeknownst to the spouse (or spouses), that never get found out? I even think some BSs look the other way b/c it is easier to not rock the boat.

SM, I let WH and OW have at each other. Their A was for a year before discovery and then almost a year and 9 months once exposed. I was always the doer and would have DONE anything to make them miserable. In the end, I left them alone and they broke up for whatever reason. I guess what I am saying is, please don't second guess what you did or didn't do. I learned early on, things happen exactly as their supposed to and to beat ourselves up only hurts us. If you are ok with me offering this, what we could have done differently was known about this website before the A started. Then we would have already had preventative measures in place. Don't wonder anymore, as hard as it is..

Sad,

I have to agree wth you. I think ExH will remain in his AM because he knows if he leaves then everyone would say...told you so. I wonder if he even agreed to have a bagy with her just to prove to everyone that he really is in love with her and that it wasn't an A after all, that they were meant to be together always. (he refused to have anymore kids with me, said he was too old)

His family and friends have supported him through the A. Their attitiude was, as long as he's happy... But I will never know. He puts on a happy face as you say, when ever I see him. But I think if things got bad, he'd stay because as you said, where would he go now?

All I am telling you is from I have read and seen. I would strongly suggest reading "Private Lies" by Dr. Frank Pittman who describes this phenomenom in detail.

There are multiple stories here on MB from BSs who were convinced that their WS's A would "never end"...until it did.

They all thought that their WSs were "sooooo happy"...until they found out the truth from the horse's mouth. Usually, they were happy during the fantasy infatuation phase and became quite unhappy when they learned that the OP wasn't quite as "perfect" as they initially seemed.

This is the general rule, but forget about them and move on with your life in the meantime. IGNORE THEM--they are not worth your time.

SM,

Queenie is right. I think we have all wondered though. Me, I sometimes think that by going to Plan B, I made it too easy for the OP to take my place. It was like I didn't even put up a fight, although I know I did with my Plan A and many false recoveries. I guess in the end I felt like there was always going to be OP. I felt that if I forced WH to pick me, he was always going to wonder if he made the right choice, always going to be tempted to keep in contact etc. At least this way, he now knows whether he did the right thing or not. I know, twisted thinking on my part maybe.

Anyway, the one thing that I'm sure of is that in all cases that whole soulmate, love of my life bull wears off and they have nothing more than what they had in the previous marriage. They still have garbage to take out, a house to clean, bill to pay, bad hair days, food between their teeth, and "not tonight dear" headaches. Only this time, they have ex spouses, stepchildren, alimony and child support to deal with on top of everything else. It's a double whammy. A black day eventually has to come when they realize that the mistake was made.

As Queenie says, things happen the way they are supposed to happen. We can't second guess ourselves.....

This is not totally off topic, but i just wanted to mention it.

I have gone back on this forum and read stories from years and years ago. Some are from the late 90's and early 2000s. There is such a wealth of information on our same struggles.

I just don't mentally or physically have the time to go through each year, but I would love to find out how their situations eventually turned out. Its like reading a great story and not the ending. So if there are any lurkers from years ago, please share with us what happened in your future.

There is a success thread with stories from past/present posters. I'll see if I can find it and bump it for you. If anyone has it bookmarked, would you please bump for sadmother?