OH, I hear you and thanks for the compliments. To an extent some people are just naturally defensive from a personality type perspective and also due to learned behaviors of course. That said, I've found that when the love bank balances are near zero or in the red, I have a tendency to become defensive much more quickly than if my love bank is nicely in the black and I'm overly fond of my W at any moment in time. As I said in the other thread, love covers over a multitude of sins. I'm assuming that your love banks for one another are in the red at present, or least yours is, and if yours is then chances are you're in a state of withdrawal much of the time which by definition means you're not meeting your H's EN's and therefore if I were a betting man I'd say his love bank balance is also either near zero or in the red. That is why it is a good idea to take great care when drafting a letter of this nature.


I agree. Did you read any of what I posted in the other thread about differentiation and Dr Schnarch's book Passionate Marriage by chance? Reason being I'd state that if a line is drawn, and that line is crossed, and then you don't follow through - it becomes a lose/lose. You lose because you violated your own integrity by failing to follow through on something that supposedly came from your own core values - and whenever we violate our own values we damage our ability to function well as an individual. So, I'm not going to even remotely attempt to tell you what to do one way or another, but just be aware of the consequences to yourself if you do draw that line. The second part of the lose/lose is that your H learns that you don't really mean what you say if the 90 days comes and goes and you don't follow through for whatever reason. I'm speaking from hard won and painful experience on these two points, so take great care in making any ultimatums of this nature - search your own heart over the next few days while you have time to do so before he leaves and be as open and honest with yourself as you can about what you really want to communicate to your H via this letter.


Well, nothing is ever perfect, so don't put too much pressure on yourself. You could do everything "right" and he could still crumple it up and throw it away right? If you really don't think he'll take it when you hand it to him, perhaps it might be worth considering packing it in his suitcase instead? Or maybe even mailing it to whereever he's staying...just a thought...

I disagree with the thought that a timeline is inappropriate. In the letter, and over the course of my being here at least, she has repeatedly stated that this has been an issue, for more than half of their marriage. This is not a new thing and has gone on this long simply because he has had no responsibility to do something. She is not saying this 'again'... she is saying this for potentially the last time. There is a difference.

If he has no intention of getting a job, giving him a timeline will do nothing. If he DOES want to get a job, and is actively looking, I am confident that OH has sense enough to make an adjustment in her expectations. If putting a timeline expectation makes him walk... then he wasn't staying anyway, and perhaps this was what needed to happen to push the issue.

I agree with Hold however on most of what he states.

But OH... this is coming from me, and might not be the most MB principled thoughts... don't sugar coat it. Don't simply accuse, and certainly think about how you phrase things, but don't be afraid to give it to him straight and stand up for your right as a wife in your marriage. Sometimes we all need a HUGE kick in the butt to get it moving. And if that kick knocks us off our perch, then we weren't holding on very tight anyway.

I want you to have a good marriage. I want your husband to understand where you are right now. There are no decisions which cannot be changed in the future, regardless of where you go. And while words can be injurious, we all can heal. If you stay with the "I feels..." I think that you can put the screws to the marriage, the same ol' same ol' isn't going to up and change on its own.

Do not devalue that statement. Not every spouse wants to be a partner. Kudos to you for still wanting this despite your husband's poor behavior. Even if you despair of ever getting there with him.

Thanks for all the really great feedback. I'm going to work on this a bit tonight--certainly try to tone down the sentences which could be seen as judgemental, demanding or disrespectful, and try to strike that balance between "ok, this is my line in the sand" and outright DJing.

I want to keep it to one page because I know H and 2 pages will cause him to mentally roll his eyes at the length of the thing--even if the "list" is on the second page. He's pretty severe ADD and that kind of thing is just one more excuse he could use not to read it.

I might put a second copy in his luggage, or if he refuses to take it at the airport, just slip it into his suitcase. He could take it and very well lose it too--not beyond the realm of possibility. Another ADD thing.

He's meeting an old college buddy tonight. He's in town on business. Last time they saw each other was in 2005 after H's HS reunion and he was already on the phone with old gf for hours a day while staying with friend. Friend just "wanted him to be happy" according to H. Buddy is in unhappy frame of mind re: marriage too--at least from what H tells me. He hasn't told me much lately because he's convinced I'll use it against him somehow, or start comparing us to his friend's situation, etc.

CFIO, I don't believe I've stated anywhere that a timeline is inappropriate, but rather than she should state any timelines within the context of herself and her own EN's rather than using "you" statements, and to be certain that she searches her heart and really ensures that she is ready to follow through on whatever demands she ultimately may decide to include in her letter. Many times we humans tend to make threats, but don't really mean what we say, however the threat itself is damaging to both the person who made the threat and the person who was threatened.

Also, I don't know what patterns of behavior OH has exhibited beforehand. Has she made a pattern of repeatedly making demands via timelines and then not following through on her demands when the timelines come and go? If so, then my point is even more valid and she should consider her path forward with great care.

Understand I'm not talking about continuing to enable her H's bad behavior by any stretch, I just want to make certain that OurHouse, who is in fact the only one here on the MB site (i.e. not her H), is true to herself first and foremost, and has taken to heart what she needs to do and follow through on. Make sense?


I agree.


There is a marked difference between sugar coating something and learning to utilize good communication skills to avoid selfish demands and disrespectful judgements, which can easily come across when writing to our spouse. I also agree that oftentimes we need motivation to improve ourselves and that sometimes that motivation only translates into action when our life as we know it is subject to severe involuntary alteration in the form of a divorce or separation.

That said, my guess is, and once again I don't know OH that well yet, that OH is here because she recognizes that, by her own admittance, she has not been able to communicate well how she feels and what she needs to her H in the past, and has engaged in LB's when attempting to do so, otherwise she wouldn't be here asking for our advice. As a result, it is more likely the case that she has communicated badly up until just recently and that this letter is important to her because she wants to ensure that she communicates how she feels clearly and effectively without losing her H's attention and having him become defensive and simply toss the letter into the trash in the process, which she already fears based upon his past behavior. So, if she has traditionally made not so good choices in the past, and she now wants to make better choices moving forward, then I will support her fully in her efforts to do so. As Dr Phil oftentimes says, you've always done x up until now, how's that working for you? Maybe I'm completely off base, and if that is the case then I'm willing to be wrong, but I'd love to hear from OH as to how she feels about what I've said to date versus what's she's done in the past and if what I'm recommending here is "more of the same" or is indeed different than what she's done in the past.

OH, I don't want to repeat what anyone else has said, and I have not read everything, but I had two thoughts on it I don't think have been said.

You may want to replace or remove some the more 'flowery' or 'catch phrases' that you have. To me, it adds drama that doesn't need to be there. You said that you didn't want this to sound like a 'whiney wife', and I removing those could help to reach that goal. For example:



I don't even think that sentence needs to be said at all. All it does is announce that there's going to be drama in this letter. I'm not even sure you need to say that the letter is difficult to write.

My second point is, I think there can be a compromise on this. Setting a timeline is important, but instead of putting the pressure on him, why not put it on both of you? Something like:


I'm not a good writer and that can probably be improved, but the idea is to tell him what you're going to do, and leave the decision to him on what he wants to do about it. He will realize (or should) realize that this is serious without you telling him what he needs to do. At the same time, you are again recognizing that you need to make changes as well. IMO, this shows that you want to be in this together with him.

Good luck with this.

Hello everyone.

So I'm thinking about this while driving around town in the Momtaxi doing kid pickup/dropoff, etc. I've probably overthought it to death by now.

But I believe that putting the letter in his luggage is the best thing to do. DKD mentioned cutting back on the drama and handing him a typewritten letter as he's about to walk into the terminal smacks of drama to me! I haven't decided yet whether or not to tell him to look for that letter when he unpacks. On one hand, it's practical--knowing H, it's entirely possible he'll see the letter, it won't register as something he should read right then and he'll put it aside and then it will get lost, accidentally trashed, etc. And I'll be here wondering WTF is going on out there and if he had any kind of reaction to the letter! So I think putting it in his luggage and working out something to say to him that doesn't set his teeth on edge at the airport to alert him to look for it when he arrives.

The second thing is that I'm not going to do the "go dark" thing. I'm going to remove that. This is not an official Plan B--there's not an affair and I'm not demanding that he cut contact w/ the OP in order to come home. In fact, I ask him to think about how he wants to proceed and if he wants to walk this path with me, to come home. The very gist of the letter dictates that we'll probably have to discuss it at some point before he comes home.

In the meantime, I'm going over it with a fine tooth comb to remove anything that could be construed as a DJ or an LB or a "You" statement, etc. HH and others were right in that I've committed some grave communication errors in the past that have played a huge part in getting me to this point and if I'm telling him that I've embarked on this journey to learn and grow, then the language of my letter should support that.

The biggest whammy right now is that I'm not sure I love him anymore. Should I let that stop my plan? I wish I had the $$$$ to counsel with the Harleys right now. If H is willing to work with me upon arriving home, I am definitely budgeting for at least a few hours of their time.

Only if you're done torturing him.

He's leaving, going to a place where you've said both that you want him to go because you want a separation, and you don't want him to go because he could hook up with the ex.

OH, your biggest task right now is figuring out what you want, and then figuring out whether or not you can get it. Letter or no letter, I think the decision on the rest of your life has been made for you.

I think it sounded good, but I'm not an expert.

My only concern for you is if he comes back home with a wishywashy answer and what your reaction will be. Have you gone over various responses in your head so that you're prepared?

You've given him what most people here would consider to be very clear boundaries, but what if he doesn't respect that?

Excellent question and one I've thought about many times. In talking with his aunt the other night I even mentioned that having him come back professing change and then not doing anything is one of my biggest fears and I really do need to figure out what my plan is if that happens. Perhaps a call to the Harleys is in order while he's gone. Maybe they can help me out there.

Dear

This is a very difficult letter for me to write. You are on your way to and I am happy that you are getting the chance to go, the chance to reconnect with family and friends and have the time alone to think about where you are headed. At the same time, I am nervous about what might come to pass, as our marriage has hit new lows, and the stress of being here on my own.

I am so sad that our marriage has come to this state. It's not a healthy place to be--for you, me or the kids. I fully understand my part in how things got to where they are. I have not been the best wife I could be. I have ignored you physically and emotionally, I've often been angry and demanding, I did not do a good job of listening without judging. Realizing these things is only half the battle and I have made a commitment to myself that I will strive to eliminate these negative attributes in order to become a better person.

At the same time, I can no longer remain in this marriage in the state it currently exists. I miss the way we used to be and I miss the feeling of being head over heels in love with you. I remember the long telephone conversations we had when we were dating. My epic trip back to XYZ from ABC and you being there at the airport to meet me -- with flowers—because I had told you once that no one had ever met me at the airport with flowers. Our trip to Hawaii. Our wedding in Hawaii. The movie theater up on 23rd where we saw horror movies and made out on the couch. Living in San Francisco and taking the dogs to Tiburon, the funny little movie theater, Santa Fe Marys and all the good times of that tough first year there. I pray it's not too late to reestablish that connection with you in a richer way because we have that much more history. This is why I started my own journey of self improvement. Part of that process comes in respecting not only you but myself and learning how to set and enforce boundaries for myself so I don’t get sucked into a pool of ugly feelings, which brings me back to this letter. Self improvement notwithstanding, it’s only fair for me to tell you that I can't remain your wife if some changes don't take place on your part. It would be completely unfair for me to give you a laundry list; I am so far from perfect and I have no right to ask that you be either. However, the things I am asking for in order to remain married are things I feel are very important to the health and well being of you, me and the kids. A good starting point.

--I feel so overwhelmed and terrified with the state of our finances. I would feel so much safer if we shared the responsibility fully. It’s terrifying to take it all on myself. I understand your desire to get your career back on track and I do sympathize with you. I can't honestly imagine how I would feel if I were in your shoes; certainly very low and depressed. But my salary does not cover our expenses, as you can see by the banking fiascos we have had. (something else I've resolved to improve upon). And the stress of a second job and all the extra pet sitting jobs, plus the kids and the house is starting to be too much for me. We need two full time incomes if we are ever to get back on our feet, save money for retirement and meet our expenses. I think it's not unfair for me to ask that you have something full time within 90 days of your return. I hope that, if it's not the job you want, that you will soon find the one you want and you make the career jump then.

--I worry about your health. You know I worry about the amount of alcohol you drink. I find myself wondering what it’s doing to you physically and I feel as though we bear the brunt of what it’s doing to you mentally. I am not an expert and as such, have no right to claim you have an issue with alcohol. But I feel very strongly that what you do drink is too much to maintain optimum health and in fact, might even be contributing to some of your sleep problems and other ongoing health issues. A driving part of the reason I would seek separation is not to suffer the pain of seeing this on a daily basis.

-- I need for us to be as open and honest with each other without sinking into angry outbursts and hurtful words. I'm really struggling daily with the emotional effects of your affair. I was really hurt and I'm still really hurting today. I need healing to take place and the only way that I can foresee any opportunity to heal is for us to be completely open and honest with each other about what happened. I need the whole truth, however painful it may be for me to hear it, and for you to say it.


I hope this time in will be good for you. And I hope that you will take these words to heart and decide to make the commitment to work with me on rebuilding our marriage, I will welcome you home with open arms and share with you, if you so desire, what I've learned about building strong marriages and the paths I've discovered on how to get there.

If you feel you can't reach this agreement with me, then I think it's time to go our separate ways. And other than financial and emotional support of the children, you would have no other obligations towards our marriage. You would be free to pursue an independent, single lifestyle.

I love you and I hope that we can use the strong foundation we built when we first came together to save our marriage and make it even better and stronger than it ever was.

Has your H had a PA or an EA? How long ago, what are the current circumstances? I apologize for not knowing more about your current circumstances OH.


With regard to the uncertainty surrounding whether or not you love him, that is more than understandable. Most folks that come here are on the ropes emotionally so to speak. If your love bank balance has bottomed out, or worse yet, is in the red then you have literally fallen out of love with your spouse. In times like this, we have to intellectually decide that we're going to actively love our spouse despite how we feel. Remember, feelings/emotions are fickle, they come and they go, they ebb and they flow, even day to day, even in good M's, let alone bad M's. Especially when times are tough, we need to see love as a verb, an active choice and not a feeling. When we make relationship decisions based solely upon how we feel, my personal experience is that life becomes a constant roller coaster ride. In your circumstances, you have to make a decision to love and then initiate a plan in hopes that the feelings that we associate with being head over heels in love will return over time. That's how the love bank concept works.

I know this will be a tough weekend emotionally OH so hang in there, we're all here to help as much as we can!

Thanks again HH. He went out with a friend tonight---a college buddy who lives across the country but was in town on business. I've decided I'm going to try to entice him for some good SF when he gets home--though he's been a bit unenthusiastic lately. Even in the darkest times up 'til now, he was always up for that. Then again, maybe I'm making too much of it--he and I are recovering from severe bronchitis--actually walking pneumonia. He's actually using an asthma inhaler because he's wheezing so badly--and he doesn't have asthma!

Anyway, on to the affair. It was an EA with an old girlfriend. I've posted about it before but here we go.... He went to a HS reunion in 2005. I bought him the airline ticket because he was so down and out over his career, our relationship, living here, etc. (gee, sounds about where he is now and he's set to fly back to the same place...). Old gf finds out he's in town, rearranges her own HS reunion (same town, different HS) to the same weekend and flies into town to accidentally run into him while crashing his HS reunion. He insists nothing physical happened. I'm still not 100% convinced he's being truthful. When he returned here, he had her cell phone number and email. They were on the phone hours each day. They exchanged lots of emails. I found one that looked just a bit too personal for my taste. He always told me she was just a HS friend. I never cared for her because she never seemed to have a whole lot of respect for the institution of marriage. Hers or ours. She got married a few years before us but would come into town fairly often (we were still living near his hometown back then) while we were dating, call him up and ask him to come down and (private) party. The week before we got married (I'd already moved to another city to start a new job), she blew into town and invited him out for a drink. He took along a friend for safety's sake but she still managed to get him alone and drape herself all over him, tell him she made the biggest mistake of her life in getting married and asked him to call off his wedding so she could dump her husband and run away with him.

After the email, H and I had a long discussion about his correspondence with her. I didn't like the direction it was heading and with her being unhappily married and us being in a tough spot, it just spelled trouble. I asked him to cut contact with her and he said he would. Remember at this time, I still thought she was just a HS friend. H and I had a long talk about our relationship and a lot of open and honest feelings came out that day and beyond and we did some fence mending. He told me he had told her that they were not to talk or email anymore. A few weeks later H and I went away for the weekend. I needed to use his cell phone and when I hung up the call log popped up and there was a 45 min phone call to her just the night before. I got very upset. We were headed out to dinner and he asked "is this going to spoil our dinner plans?" And I said "not if you tell me EXACTLY what's going on. So over dinner he told me that they had in fact dated--once for a short time in college and once about 7 years later as they were both coming out of relationships. That one lasted a bit longer and he said it was more serious but that she up and decided to move to Hawaii one day to find a Navy boy to marry. I asked H how he felt about getting dumped like that and he shrugged and said it stung for a short time but he was not in love with her.

A few months later, things had gone downhill between us again (again coinciding with a period of unemployment) H went for some counseling which is when he was diagnosed with ADD. The psychiatrist did a report and H didn't want me to read it. He had to fill out a long questionnaire in conjunction with the report--about his mental state at that moment in time. Also about that time, I wanted to start marriage counseling. This tester also did counseling but insisted on honesty between couples and wouldn't see us until H showed me that report. We went back and forth on it for a few weeks and finally he said "fine--here go read it" So I did and it was eye opening. Some things I'd expected--he thinks I'm very cold emotionally and he's got big issues with his mother. But other things--statements like "I'm in love with a woman who is not my wife" and "One of the biggest regrets I have in life is letting go of someone I loved" threw me for a loop. I still had no idea that he had deep feelings for this old girlfriend so I figured it was his college girlfriend and at the time I could see how someone would wonder what life had been like if things had turned out differently between them. So we talked about the report and when it came time to discuss those sentences, I said "so this is K, right?" And he said, "no, it's J".

I lost it about then and broke a lot of dishes, lamps, chairs, you name it. Told him to get the f--- out of the house. He got very upset. This went on for a few days. He kept claiming that he never had closure in the relationship and that she still had a piece of his heart. I called BS on that and told him his marriage to me was a sham, took everything he'd ever bought me and threw it out on the front lawn and told him to put her in the past where she belonged or forget about me. He told me he wasn't sure he could do that. I told him again to get the f--- out. He then said he'd "try" and I relented and let him back in. And demanded no contact.

We had a great honeymoon period that lasted about 5 or 6 months. We started counseling. We seemed to be doing well and every so often, I'd ask him if they were in touch and he said "no". But sometimes some stuff just didn't quite sit right. About 7 or 8 months after the blowup, I was suspicious and hacked into his computer, got his passwords and discovered email, chats, IMs, cybersex, you name it. I didn't tell him I had hacked in and had evidence but I told him that I was convinced there were 3 people in our marriage. I kept pushing him to confess. He kept denying. We still went to counseling. Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore and I wrote him a heartfelt letter which I read in counseling one day that begged him to please tell me the truth. He denied it. Later that day I got fed up and threw all the evidence in his face. He instantly became remorseful and said "she's got some kind of hold on me but I'm so sorry. I was wrong. I felt so guilty. I've been trying to end it." and so on. He did all the right things after that. Wrote her and told her they were not to see/speak to each other again. Promised me to put her in the past. But can you blame me for not quite believing him? And now here we are in a very similar position as we were before he went to this reunion.

Shameless bump again. I know it's the weekend but I think at some point, I'm going to remove the letter so it's not up here for all eternity! I'd be most appreciative of any other comments before I do that. I think it's pretty much there though--I could edit it forever and not get it perfect. I just want it to the point where it's very clear where I'm at and what I hope we can accomplish together and it doesn't DJ.

Just took out the flowery stuff, which will drag down his reading.

Just a slightly different slant. I love Cat's deletions.

Dear

This is a very difficult letter for me to write. You are on your way now and I am happy that you are getting the chance to reconnect with family and friends and have the time alone to think about where you are headed. At the same time, I am nervous about what might come to pass, as our marriage has hit new lows.

I am so sad that our marriage has come to this state. It's not a healthy place to be--for you, me or the kids. I fully understand my part in how things got to where they are. I have not been the best wife I could be. I have ignored you physically and emotionally, I've often been angry and demanding, I did not do a good job of listening without judging. Realizing these things is only half the battle and I have made a commitment to myself that I will strive to eliminate these negative attributes in order to become a better person. Part of the reason I am this way is that the burden of working two jobs is driving me insane. I cannot bear the huge and impossible financial burdon and still be a loving and happy wife to you.

The good thing about myself is that for _______years I have accepted and taken on the responsiblitiy of supporting our family. Few women would ever do this. I am one of a kind. Yet this now is killing me.

I can no longer remain in this marriage in the state it currently exists. I miss the way we used to be and I miss the feeling of being head over heels in love with you. I remember the long telephone conversations we had when we were dating. My epic trip back to XYZ from ABC and you being there at the airport to meet me -- with flowers—because I had told you once that no one had ever met me at the airport with flowers. Our trip to Hawaii. Our wedding in Hawaii. The movie theater up on 23rd where we saw horror movies and made out on the couch. Living in San Francisco and taking the dogs to Tiburon, the funny little movie theater, Santa Fe Marys and all the good times of that tough first year there. I pray it's not too late to reestablish that connection with you in a richer way because we have that much more history. This is why I started my own journey of self improvement. Part of that process comes in respecting not only you but myself and learning how to set and enforce boundaries for myself so I don’t get sucked into a pool of ugly feelings, which brings me back to this letter. Self improvement notwithstanding, it’s only fair for me to tell you that I can't remain your wife if some changes don't take place on your part. It would be completely unfair for me to give you a laundry list; I am so far from perfect and I have no right to ask that you be either. However, the things I am asking for in order to remain married are things I feel are very important to the health and well being of you, me, our marriage, and the kids.

--I feel so overwhelmed and terrified with the state of our finances. I would feel so much safer if we shared the responsibility fully. It’s terrifying to take it all on myself. I understand your desire to get your career back on track and I do sympathize with you. I can't honestly imagine how I would feel if I were in your shoes; certainly very low and depressed. But my salary does not cover our expenses, as you can see by the banking fiascos we have had. (something else I've resolved to improve upon but cannot without your financial help). The stress of a second job and all the extra pet sitting jobs, plus the kids and the house is starting to be too much for me. In fact, it is KILLING me and ruining my health. No human being can do what I am doing for long periods of time and survive with thier health intact.

We need two full time incomes if we are ever to get back on our feet, save money for retirement and college and meet our expenses. It is totally fair for me to ask that you get a full time job within 30 days of your return. Take ANY job, for now, to support our family and get us financially solvent again. Even if you take a job which is not the exact job you want, which is hard to find in this economy, you will eventually find the one you do want and you can make the career jump then.

--I worry about your health. You know I worry about and the amount of alcohol you drink. I find myself wondering what it’s doing to you physically and I feel as though we bear the brunt of what it’s doing to you mentally. But I feel very strongly that what you do drink is too much to maintain optimum health and in fact, might even be contributing to some of your sleep problems and other ongoing health issues. Alcohol is liquid sugar and raises your blood sugar level causing sleeping issues and damaging your body over time. It can lead to depression. It hurts me to see you damaging your body every single day. One main reason I would seek separation is so that I would no longer have to watch you destroying your beautiful body with alcohol on a daily basis.

-- I need for us to be open, honest, and kind with each other instead of sinking into angry outbursts and hurtful words. Let me be open and honest now and tell you that I'm continuing to struggle daily with the emotional effects of your affair. I was really hurt and I'm still really hurting today. I need healing to take place and the only way that I can foresee any opportunity to heal is for us to be completely open and honest with each other about what happened. I need the whole truth, however painful it may be for me to hear it, and for you to say it and I would like for you to be remorseful about it. This will lead to recovery for me and for the marriage.

Please think carefully about our marriage while you are away. I hope that you will take these words to heart and decide to make the commitment to work with me on rebuilding our marriage. If so, I will welcome you home with open arms and share with you, if you so desire, what I've learned about building strong marriages and the paths I've discovered on how to get there.

These are specific things I need from you:

I need you to agree to get a job within 30 days of returning and take on 50% of the financial burden of our family.
I need you to be honest with me about your affair
I need you to discuss things with me with kindness and no anger
I need you to treat the children with gentleness and caring.
I need you to cut the drinking down to one drink a night or less.


If you feel you can't reach this agreement with me, and you will not do these most important 5 items, then I think it's time to go our separate ways. And other than financial and emotional support of the children, you would have no other obligations towards our marriage. You would be free to pursue an independent, single lifestyle.

I love you and I hope that we can use the strong foundation we built when we first came together to save our marriage and make it even better and stronger than it ever was.

Dear

This letter is a very difficult to write. I am happy that you are reconnecting with family and friends and have the time alone to think. I feel nervous about the future, and feel stress managing the family alone.

I miss feeling head over heels in love with you. I remember the long telephone conversations we had when we were dating. My epic trip back to XYZ from ABC and you being there at the airport to meet me -- with flowers—because I had told you once that no one had ever met me at the airport with flowers. Our trip to Hawaii. Our wedding in Hawaii. The movie theater up on 23rd where we saw horror movies and made out on the couch. Living in San Francisco and taking the dogs to Tiburon, the funny little movie theater, Santa Fe Marys and all the good times of that tough first year there.

I also feel sad. I have made mistakes. I have often ignored you physically and emotionally, I've often been angry and demanding, I've often been judgemental without listening to you. I am sorry for my flaws. Over time, my actions have caused our relationship to change.

These losses are why I started my own journey of self improvement. Part of that process comes in respecting myself and learning how to set and enforce boundaries for myself so I don’t get sucked into a pool of ugly feelings. I have reached a point where I can't remain your wife in our current manner of relating. The behaviors I am asking for are very important to the health of our family.

--Our current financial condition terrifies me. I would feel safe if I shared financial responsibility with you. My salary does not cover our current monthly expenses. The stress of a second job and all the extra pet sitting jobs, plus the kids and the house are overwhelming me. I can't save money for retirement and meet the monthly expenses. I do support your attempts at getting your career back on track. I can't honestly imagine how you feel: certainly very low and depressed.

--I worry about your health. You know I worry about the amount of alcohol you drink. The family feels imposed upon by drunken behavior. I suspect that drinking is contributing to some of your sleep problems and other ongoing health issues.

-- I need open and honest conversation without sinking into angry outbursts and hurtful words. I am still really hurt about the affair and I'm still really hurting today. My healing requires openness and honesty with each other about what happened. I need the whole truth, however painful it may be for me to hear it, and for you to say it.

I need you to agree to get a job within 30 days of returning and take on 50% of the financial burden of our family.
I need you to be honest with me about your affair
I need you to discuss things with me with kindness
I need you to treat the children with gentleness and caring.
I need you to cut the drinking down to one drink a night or less.


If you can't agree to pursue these actions, then I will have to go my separate way. Other than financial and emotional support of the children, I want no other obligations towards me.

I hope your trip will be good. I will welcome you home with open arms and share with you, if you so desire, what I've learned about myself. I love you and I hope that we can use the strong foundation we built when we first came together to rebuild that relationship.

the first attempts are way to long. . . his attention span will be lost. . .

wiftty

Firstly, I don't think a letter will do much to motivate your H to change. He's already said he wants talk, not letters.

I think he'll put far more weight on what you've been saying and doing lately, and the way you did it.

That said, I'll get the red pen out...

Dear

This is a very difficult letter for me to write. You are on your way to and I am happy that you are getting the chance to go, the chance to reconnect with family and friends and have the time alone to think about where you are headed. At the same time, I am nervous about what might come to pass, as our marriage has hit new lows, and the stress of being here on my own.

I am so sad that Our marriage has come to this state. It's is not a healthy place to be--for you, me or the kids. I fully understand my part in how things got to where they are.
I have not been the best wife I could be. I have ignored you physically and emotionally, I've often been angry and demanding, I did not do a good job of listening without judging.

I'm sorry, and I promise to
Realizing these things is only half the battle and I have made a commitment to myself that I will strive to eliminate these negative attributes in order to become a better person do my best to change. I've been trying these past few weeks.

I miss the way we used to be and I miss the feeling of being head over heels in love with you. I remember the long telephone conversations we had when we were dating. My epic trip back to XYZ from ABC and you being there at the airport to meet me -- with flowers—because I had told you once that no one had ever met me at the airport with flowers. Our trip to Hawaii. Our wedding in Hawaii. The movie theater up on 23rd where we saw horror movies and made out on the couch. Living in San Francisco and taking the dogs to Tiburon, the funny little movie theater, Santa Fe Marys and all the good times of that tough first year there.

I pray it's not too late to get that back. reestablish that connection with you in a richer way because we have that much more history.

At the same time, I can no longer remain in this marriage in the state way it currently exists is.

--I feel so overwhelmed and terrified with the state of our finances.

This is why I started my own journey of self improvement. Part of that process comes in respecting not only you but myself and learning how to set and enforce boundaries for myself so I don’t get sucked into a pool of ugly feelings, which brings me back to this letter. Self improvement notwithstanding, it’s only fair for me to tell you that I can't remain your wife if some changes don't take place on your part. It would be completely unfair for me to give you a laundry list; I am so far from perfect and I have no right to ask that you be either. However, the things I am asking for in order to remain married are things I feel are very important to the health and well being of you, me and the kids. A good starting point.

I would feel so much safer if we shared the responsibility fully. It’s terrifying to take it all on myself. I understand your desire to get your career back on track and I do sympathize with you. I can't honestly imagine how I would feel if I were in your shoes; certainly very low and depressed. But

My salary does not cover our expenses. as you can see by the banking fiascos we have had. (something else I've resolved to improve upon). And the stress of a second job and all the extra pet sitting jobs, plus the kids and the house is starting to be too much for me.

We need two full time incomes if we are ever to get back on our feet, save money for retirement and meet our expenses. I think it's not unfair for me to ask that you have something full time within 90 days of your return. I hope that, if it's not the job you want, that you will soon find the one you want and you make the career jump then. Darling [do you have a term of endearment for H?] , I want you to get a job. Any job. We need the money and I need to know you care about supporting us.
--I worry about your health. You know I worry about the amount of alcohol you drink. I find myself wondering what it’s doing to you physically and I feel as though we bear the brunt of what it’s doing to you mentally.

I am not an expert and as such, have no right to claim you have an issue with alcohol. But I feel very strongly that what you do drink is too much to maintain optimum health and in fact, might even be contributing to some of your sleep problems and other ongoing health issues. A driving part of the reason I would seek separation is not to suffer the pain of seeing this on a daily basis.

-- I want you to talk to me respectfully need for us to be as open and honest with each other and without anger sinking into angry outbursts and hurtful words so we can have a chance of resolving our issues. I know I need to do the same and I am trying.

-- I'm really struggling daily with the emotional effects of your affair. I was It really hurt and I'm still really hurting today. I need healing. to take place and the only way that I can foresee any opportunity to heal is for us to be completely open and honest with each other about what happened I need the whole truth from you. , however painful it may be for me to hear it, and for you to say it.

I hope this time in will be good for you. And I hope that you will take these words to heart and decide to make the commitment to work with me on rebuilding our marriage, I will welcome you home with open arms and share with you, if you so desire, what I've learned about building strong marriages and the paths I've discovered on how to get there.

If you feel you can't reach this agreement with me, then I think it's time to go our separate ways. And other than financial and emotional support of the children, you would have no other obligations towards our marriage. You would be free to pursue an independent, single lifestyle.

I love you and I want hope that we can use the strong foundation we built when we first came together to save to be happily married to you.
our marriage and make it even better and stronger than it ever was.

Love, OH

A fifth the size and nothing lost IMO. BTW, I find myself wondering what the flip side of ADD is - overtransmission?!

Regarding alcohol OH, I don't see that you've stated a boundary. If you decide this is a leave-the-marriage issue, and it sounds like you do, suggest stating BRIEFLY(!) what he does when drunk that leads to you feeling bad, state how you feel, and state your boundary (e.g. no more drinking, no more than 15 units a week, OR (my recommendation!)that he agree to assessment by a doctor to determine if he has a drinking problem, early liver damage etc.

Change of plans.

I'm done. Decided last night. He refused to engage in a conversation about it.

The letter will now refer to us as past tense. I have to rework it.