OK, he just left. Came to get his things but realized that there was too much for him to get without getting a trailer. Said he would be back in a couple of hours.

I greeted him at the door by saying "It's really good to see you" He then hugged me and said the same. Came in an made coffee and sat down to talk.

He was really nice and when I told him that I intend to fix up and sell the house, but that I would have a hard time doing it myself, he said that part of his plan was for us and our son to work on it together - said it would be fun. Said the work needed to be done regardless what happened.

I was very sweet to him. Made a couple of remarks about that he was taking so much stuff that it was probably going to be a long term plan. He kept responding that "Look, its only been 48 hours. Just give me some time. I don't know what will happen."

Also took some of your advice and said that it was probably a good thing because maybe I too needed some time away from him to sort things out. But I also said that I knew that he had forgiven me 10 years ago when I had the affair and that I wanted him to know that in time I could probably offer him that same forgiveness. He said, " Yes, I've thought a lot about that"

He is coming back in a couple of hours. How did I do? I even joked around a little about making him take the dog who is a real pain.

RN:

Not bad an interaction. Some Plan A in there.

He wants to move stuff out. Don't make it easy for him.

Move some of the stuff thats worth something to your secret location. He will just keeping taking stuff until there is nothing left, and then he can claim that you owe him even more.

Tell him that everything else STAYS HERE. He can go. But the rest stays. Tell him there is a process for starting that out. And if he wants to start that process he can. But HE doesn't make the decision of what goes or stays.

Start videotaping WHAT is there. Use your cell phone if needed. Send emails to your self.

Don't ask him if he is having an A. He IS. He might not have boinked her yet, but he will be soon. Maybe as soon as he has your marriage bed in his condo.

LG

RN, just because your H's car was not at OW house, does not mean he was not there.

My H actually drops his car off at another location and drives the OW's 2nd vehicle (an old van) that he parks outside the house. I used to drive by and never knew H was there. I no longer drive by.

H is hiding A. He wants to make you believe it is not happening.
Protect yourself. He is in fog babble. Do not look to him for answers on anything.

Wish I had this site right when this started for me.

He just left from coming back to pick up some things. I think I really blew it. I made several comments about the relationship which probably sounded needy. For one thing, I said that since our son is not doing well, I should probably call his grandmother who he is really close to (my H's mother) and then made the statement that it was really sad to me that I would probably never see her again ( she lives in another town pretty far away)

First he kind of changed the subject so I said "You know everytime I say something important you just change the subject" He said I'm sorry - I'm really tired as I haven't been sleeping well and my back really hurts" I did't mean to ignore you but why does everything from you have to be such gloom and doom. I've only been gone 48 hours.

I said because you don't ever give me anything to hold on to. I don't know whether to try to start a new life without you or what.He said again its only been 48 hours since I left and you are falling apart.

I said, "Yes I am depressed and can't sleep and have lost 15 pounds in 3 weeks. I'm diabetic and can't even eat.

He said well I thought things were going better after today. Can't you just wait and see what happens and try to take care of yourself? (health) He said "I'm depressed too and can't sleep"

I tried to lighten things up a bit at that point. I apologized for what I had said. Then I said kiddingly "You know I'm a great wife and someone is going to snatch me up if you wait too long." He said, "Yes you are a wonderful wife and yes I've thought about that"

Then he said he was just too tired to move everything tonight and would come back tomorrow with some guys to help him move the big things like the large safe in our closet. I told him that I did not want a bunch of strangers in my home without me being here and that I planned on changing the locks so he needed to call before he came over.

He acted surprised that I would change the locks so I said, OK I'll tell you what. You give me a key to your condo and I won't change the locks and he said OK I'll do that"

He then left, hugged my goodbye and said he would be back at 10:00 in the morning if that was an OK time with me. I told him that was fine and then he left. Wasn't here more than 45 minutes to an hour.

During this time, I also told him that I don't think our son is doing very well and he agreed. Our son has had some anxiety problems in the past and has seen a psychiatrist and is on medication. Since getting on the meds, he has totally turned his life around, went from an average student to making all A's his first semester in college. Says he wants to be a doctor. Now he seems to be hanging out with thugs again and is skipping classes like he dosen't even care anymore.

At least my H agreed that son not doing very well. Surly he is having some guilt about his causing such turmoil in my son's life.

RN, please read the books as soon as possible.

Guilt will not work, Relationship talk will make him run for the hills. He is not the H you knew. It will feel like an alien replaced your H.

Confirm this A, expose them at work, expose to your family, friends, OW family. Take away the excitement of all of this.

When my H left, he took his clothes. Moved into furnished apt. Not sure what he still wants. It is like he took up with the OW and never looked back. He rented an apt on 10/1. From about january on he stays with OW every night.

You need to stop worrying about your H's reactions to you and protect yourself. REad the books.

Yup

Sounds 'oh poor me'

It may be important to you, but right now it is not important to him. You lost 2 pts.

He's not really sorry, he feels like you are nagging him. Awesome that his back hurts . Overall he thinks you are whining.

Again, 'oh poor me'. RN, it is SO important to take care of yourself while under all this stress. You have to come first and you know darn well that this is the same thing you would tell a pt.

WH is thinkin' it's freakin' hard looking after 2 women.

Choose your words carefully so as not to feel like you need to apologize. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Not a good idea to pressure him right now, he has ALOT on his mind.

This is confusing. The advice from posters has been to not allow WH to remove anything other than personals from the marital home. This is to protect you and make it difficult for him to start a new life.

Actually, you were advised to change the locks, not negotiate it. That was good thinking about the condo key, you should have one anyway.


WH is not concerned with the turmoil he is causing in anyone's life. He is in a selfish state of mind.

As you educate yourself with this MB plan, you will get better at executing it. Keep reading, there is much to learn.

It is important that you convey an independent, and non-apathetic demeanor. This will be more attractive to your WH than groveling.

Everyone here really does understand how hard it is to be strong. Hang in there, and follow all the advice that is given. This isn't a plan that you can pick and choose which pieces of advice you want to follow, that will only have you spinning like a top.

Take care

P.S. RN, if I am not on the right page with my perceptions, I guarantee you they will be corrected by others. That's the beauty of this forum.

I can't believe I did so well with him earlier and completely blew this evening when he came back...I just feel completely stupid and defeated. Wish I hadn't said the things I said but now I can't take them back.

Feel so bad now...Hope I can restain myself tomorrow. Afraid I won't get many more chances to show good side of me.

I know I need to order the books and read them. How much dammage do the rest of you think I did tonight and do I stil have chance to undo dammage?

Think I'll sign off and try to get sleep. Will check back in the morning to see if anyone has any sugesstions before I see him tomorrow. Thanks for input....

I have been reading on and off on this post, since it's late and there aren't a lot of posters, I would have to concur with Vittoria.

You sound needy. Girl put the boundaries down, be firm. Get the locks changed and protect your assets.

I know it seems harsh by doing these things...like your being mean and are driving him right into the OW arms... but OMG you are practically putting him in the car, picking her up, and dropping them off at their hook up location.... STOP... STOP being needy

conversation that is not related to relationship- is not how great of a spouse you'd make someone... it's did you see the news- what Obama did today or Rush said... or look at the flowers we planted last spring.... STOP the other stuff... go see a funny movie just to be able to bring it up in conversation (and NOT He's just not into you- it wouldn't help)

havingfaith

All you can do, is try harder tomorrow. learn from any mistakes. Tomorrow will be a better day. You will do better tomorrow. I have faith in you.


havingfaith

Oh my gosh RN, this is all part of this horrid package. I think it was believer who said that this is just the beginning, and she is so right. Be aware that if you do not follow the advice here and in the literature, like immediately, the road to recovery will be much, much harder. While you are waiting for the books, there are many articles on this site that are taken from the books.

It's so hard to think straight right now. Have you put salt in your coffee yet, mistaking it for sugar ... for the 5th time? Or put the milk in the cupboard only to find it warm the next am.? You aren't grounded, heck I'm still not grounded.

This forum is here to guide you. Everyone is on your side. You won't know your mistakes if they are not pointed out. You can do this, yes you can.
Buck up or **** up take your pick, but I strongly suggest the first one. lol

Me too, it's like 0404h, shouldn't have had that last coffee. I'm getting goofy.

So you all basically agree that I blew it yesterday. Can I undo dammage now? Hope he shows up today so that I can.

I have not given up on all of the advice you have given me. I have tried to protect financially, and have not given up on finding OW and exposure but it may take some time to get info I need.

Tell me how to act today to undo yesterday's dammaging remarks. What should I say? How should I act? Please help....

RN,

Please read Broken61's thread (about 1/2 way down page 1 rigth now) and pay particular attention to the posts regarding her 'neediness'. Pep has given her some great advice. You need to follow that same advice. In particular, NO RELATIONSHIP TALK at all right now!!!

Mindshare

Here is a tip.

NEVER disclose what your plans are to your enemy.

And right now, WH is YOUR ENEMY.
He is NOT your husband. He is an alien with fruit-loops for brains.

The WH alien cannot be trusted.
You cannot rely on WH to do the right thing .... currently you are in the land of the lost with the (all too common) mindset that:

"IF I just do/say the absolute right thing, and if I stop making errors, WH will realize what a huge mistake he's making and come to his senses."

Ahhh, if only this were true. All of us assure you, this is NOT true. It is not true for any affair addicted fruit loop alien spouse. Basically, they are idiots.

So, how do you recover from your error?
1. Don't repeat it.
2. Let it go.

It is not that important. What is important is that YOU change YOUR mindset and stop trying to play the good girl hoping that this will change your WH's mindset.

It won't.

NEVER announce "I'm going to change the locks."

JUST do it.

If WH gives you a hard time when he discovers he cannot just come and go from your home as he pleases - say:

"I need to feel safe. I need new locks." ..... and LEAVE it at that.

Never explain yourself to a WS. Give the fruit-loop mind as little information as possible, with no added detail. Your reasons will be wrong to the WH, no matter how sound and well thought they are.

Remember - it's like arguing with a sullen teenager - no matter what your reasoning is - there will be a flaw in your reasoning - so don't go there.

Your biggest error right now is that you think you are still dealing with your husband. This is not the case.

Found out girlfriends real address last night and discovered on tracker that he has been going there. Confronted him and he got very angry. Continued to deny affair but was afraid I would go to HR (I let that slip out before I found out on this site that I shouldn't tell.)

He kept on with all the psycho babble and how it was all my fault and how I had now declared war against him. I told him, "You are the one who declared war when you bought a condo behind my back and lied to me everyday." He just kept saying that what he did was not declaring war but me taking his guns and calling HR was declaring war.

He has been trying to drop hints to my son and I lately that he might come back home. But he has taken so much stuff that I never bought it but my poor son did.

Because I felt like he would eventually screw me over and didn't really love me (although he tells our son he does), I compiled a list of all the bad things about him that could help me not want him back in case the choice is not mine. I told him about this list and he asked to hear it so I read it to him on the phone. I will put it in next post as I keep getting bumped off after I type it all.....

Here is the list I read to him:
1. You not only look old but you feel old. You complain all of the time but never show any sympathy when any one else is hurting.You didn't even care that I've been sick for a long time and just recently got it fixed and feel a lot better.

2. You are selfish in bed. Only care about your own satisfaction.

3. You are a hypchondriac. You always think something is wrong with you but your symptoms don't make any sense. Then you use this for your own advantage when you don't want to do something.

4. You never keep promises to my son and I. Something can be a hugh deal one day and then never mentioned again.

5. Never want to do things with the family. Only pursue your own interests,

6. You spend hours in front of the mirror grooming. You think you are better looking than you are.

7. Constant monologues come out of your mouth. You want to talk for hours about your own concerns but have very little interest about anyone elses concerns or problems. It takes a saint to listen to you babble about yourself for hours.

Will continue next post

8. You lie and exagerate to everyone. You are always stirring up controversy but then try to act like the great suportive guy when it happens.

9. You care nothing about our home. You never repair anything unless it directly affects you.

10. You never say anything positive to me such as "You look nice tonight" You are too busy looking at yourself.

11. You are so self centered that even when you were coaching our son's baseball team, I always felt like it was more for your glory than for him.

12. You lie to yourself and never take responsibility for anything you do wrong. You convince yourself that it is someone elses fault. Even this hurt our son is going through you don't take any resposibility for and have convinced yourself that he will be "OK"

STOP!

No no no no no no no no. No confrontations right now. No threats! No revealing your secrets to the enemy.


WS lie and lie and lie and lie. Don't listen to what they say. Watch what they DO!


STOP!

No no no no no no no no. No confrontations right now. No threats! No revealing your secrets to the enemy.

You're still trying to convince, persuade or "guilt" him into doing the right thing. No more conversations like this.

You REALLY need to get Surviving an Affair.

Now that you have more intel about OW, are you ready to start exposing?

DON'T THREATEN HIM WITH HR-- JUST DO IT! But there is a right way to do it and a wrong way. Don't do it for revenge. You do it to expose the affair to the light of day. Do they work together.

So sorry you're here.

STOP!

Yikes! Have you read the articles on here about AOs (angry outbursts), LB (love busters) and DJs (disrespectful judgments)?

I'm not sure what you should do now, but this was a BAD mistake.

If you'll read up on Plan A, a list like this should NEVER be written, much less shared.

Hopefully, some of the more seasoned and knowledgeable vets will come along and help you fix this.

13. You seem to have turned your back on God with no repentence or remorse for anything.

14. I believe that you are like a person we know who has no ability to really love anyone else but is in love with the rush of infatuation and thrill of "new love" She changes partners like others change hairstyles.

15. You have selective memory. You only want to remember the bad things about me and our marriage in order to justify what you are doing. It gives you excuses when you try to tell people why you walked out on your family after 20 years. That way you don't look bad but you don't mind making me look bad.

16. You complain that you worked 2 jobs for 20 years and got nothing for it. You don't remember how little of it went to the family and how much of it was spent on your own selfish toys and activities.

17. You fail to recognize that I too worked my [censored] off and spent all of my money for our family. I now own very little of value. Everything valuable we own is yours.

18. You resent the fact that a lot of the money I did have control over went to give our son a good education so that he could one day go to college and make something of himself.

19. You think you are a genius with money but you wasted all your money on things like baseball cards, vehicles, and boats which all depreciate in value. You spend ridiculous amounts of money on male hobbies while we have no savings or security.

20. I don't want any fool who would chase a 31 year old woman and convince himself that hey could make a lasting couple. You are too much a fool to realize how ridiculous you look together and that she will dump you one day.