Learn to take your own inventory with brutal honesty - which is not "beating yourself up".

There is a difference.

GM, I would like you to e-mail me.

I have a discussion I want to take up with you off of the boards.

If you are interested, just click the notify Mods button on this post and send them a note that it's OK to exchange e-mails.

I think you might have missed my point. That is, that you should try to answer Stellakat's questions, or at least the gist of them:

Why should sss bother with you any more? I understand why you want her to, but why should she?

GM,

I get some of the stories on MB mixed, so to save me from re-reading your entire thread...... help refresh my memory if you would please.

Did you attend SA, or NA, or AA meetings in person or online at any time in the past? ...If so, what and for how long?

Do you attend church alone or with sss? ...If so what denomination and how often?

I'm not 100% sure, but I t h i n k this was his response...

I found it interesting that you said you "were" an SA. You ARE an SA, for life. It's like a diabetic saying, "I manage my diabetes with diet/exercise, so I don't need to take insulin." It's not like suddenly the person is no longer a diabetic because they manage their disease well. Cripes, I'll always have the tendency to be codependent for my whole life. Sure, I'm learning how to manage my behaviors, but it doesn't make it go away.

My husband is a recovering SA. Thankfully, we are young and his addiction did not escalate to the level of yours.

Have you read anything by Patrick Carnes? You can get a start on that..and your dr recommended you see someone who specializes in sex addiction, right? Other counselors may not work, because they aren't trained in addiction, let alone sex addiction.

And, the only thing that helped our marriage was getting our personal demons dealt with. My husband has alot of "great" qualities as well..but all of that gets trumped when I begin to think about him where he was a sober addict, but hadn't moved to recovery yet.

LOL. Good question. She can best answer that in her thread. Apparently, she thinks I am still worth a shot. I guess there are some things she still loves.

Before going any further, my little post about looking in the mirror and seeing some good things besides the bad things has stirred things up. Life is complicated, I guess, and no one is all good or bad. But I probably should have left that out. I am working to be a good worthy and faithful husband to SSS. I know it will take years, and there is a world of injury to SSS to heal, but I am determined.

I see what you are saying, and I understand. It is like addiction for certain people. I used to go to NA meetings in the 80's when my chemical addiction was active, and that answers one other question on a post here, but yes, I still must consider myself an addict forever. I always will be. I get that. I am still not sure that I am SA from that kind of dynamic. At least it does not feel like that to me. Just not sure. I am putting my extraordinary measures in place. I haven't read Carne's book. But I will, if you recommend it. I didn't understand what was meant by SA when I first read that. I thought it meant "serial adulterer". I now assume that it means "sex addict". My answer to that is that I doubt it, but I can't rule it out.

Nope. Those things were just self-observations, not reasons why SSS should bother with me. She has her own reasons, and I am sure it can be found in her thread. I don't read that, for obvious reasons.

I attended NA meetings in the late 80's for about three years, until my chemical dependency was inactive for a long time.

I have been to church with SSS. She doesn't care for it, but I feel like I need it. She has assured me that she will go with me more often. It is non-denominational and, best of all, non-judgmental. It is just a basic Christian church of no denomination that was founded based on the equality of all human beings. I liked it there and felt comfortable. As for SA, I misunderstood in an earlier post. I thought that meant serial adulterer, not an actual compulsive behavioral disorder.

I would like that. I need to change my forum prefs and also change my notifications to a different email address that I would prefer to use for this. But SSS and I need to drive to Kansas City today for something and won't be back till late. Once I am back and set that up, I will email you. Thanks, TST.

NO, NO, NO!!! Wrong answer, to the question that I did not ask!!

Green Mile, I know you get what I'm asking you, and I think you're giving what you hope looks like an answer but isn't, so that the question will disappear.

Last try: What reasons can you give sss for building a new marriage with you?

If you don't want to answer that's okay. This is none of my business anyway! It's no problem for me to disappear!

Thanks, Pepperband. I understand. I have been taking that inventory, believe me. It is honest. And the brutality of it is as you might expect. Very brutal.

I am not used to taking antidepressant meds. I was started when I went to the hospital some weeks ago and must continue for about six months. It certainly takes the edge off, but it also makes me wonder if it might blunt the emotional process of self examination and self-improvement, and the brutality of that, that is optimal. For a person who has always tended to objectify and rationalize, which has been part of my problem, maybe those meds are not such a good idea. I just don't know.

It's you, not the meds.

Oh. I see. Well, because
1) I am capable of, and fully intend to be, the person she always wanted...faithful, loving, honest, supporting, and a full partner
2) I adore her
3) I want to re-claim our history (the good parts) for her and help her re-claim her life for her and restore meaning to it and heal her pain
4) We never tire of each other's company. We truly like being with each other
5) Because it will set an example for our grown sons
6) Because I am remorseful beyond description and seek redemption
7) Because we are still hot for each other LOL
8) Because the person who did those terrible things to her is gone.
9) Because we can have true romantic love for each other, if we work for it
10) Because she can be safe with me

Not necessarily in that order. Are those wrong reasons?

I know there are more.

With all due respect to religious preference...

This speaks volumes to me.

With all the heinous stuff you were doing outside your marriage you should have felt SOMETHING if that church was doing its job.

This is the type of church that continuing sinners want to attend.

Your history indicates the need for a church that WOULD judge you...and hold your feet to the fire.

JMHO
committed

GM...

If I may, let me offer you something that may shine light on why the list of "good GM" stuff doesn't really matter...A different perspective for you to try on so to speak...

"Hi, growing up I was a good student at Woodrow Wilson High School in Tacoma, WA. I was very active in the Methodist church there. I was a member in good standing of the Boy Scouts of America. I volunteered with the suicide hotline in Seattle, WA. I was an honors student in college and eventually graduated with my degree in psychology. I'm very handsome and charming. There is much more, but this is all I have time for now. Oh yes, I forgot to mention, my name is Ted Bundy."

I realize you will see that as an extreme example...I do hope, however, that it will help to give you some perspective...

Mrs. W

GM, you would still be with the latest prostitute if your wife had not found out about it. And had the strength now, to NOT put up with it and to confront you, strength she did not have before since you kept her self esteem very low.

Why keep your (very damaged by you) wife and family? Why not stay with the prostitute who loves you. That is more your caliber. She is more on your level. She loves you regardless of how you are.

Stick with the prostitute and leave the wife to be free of you.

Buy a home for you and the prostitute to live in, pay for her food, clothing, and crack. Make sure she has enough meth to be happy. You will have a simple life and will not need to make any changes in yourself.

This option would probably be best for everyone.

OK, were you going to this church prior to recovery?
Give me a rough time line of your church history...


As far as sss not caring for the church?? Is that because she doesn't like church or doesn't like THIS church?