The Plan B Letter is on hold . My children dont wish visitation or communication .My WW still needs to see them . I cant leave them alone in my home to fend off her advances by themselves.I'm snookered. I have to put the needs of my boys ahead of my own . Until that isnt the case Plan B cannot work. I told her I need boundaries and limited contact with her but that is as far as I can go with that right now. She appeared firmly entrenched in this relationship with the OM . I dont see much hope. It may be time to give up .

Your children come first..but having her at your house is very difficult for you. It may be confusing and upsetting to the children as well since they may take it as a sign that Mommy is coming back.
These WS are so self centered they don't realize what they are doing to their families.
I hope you take some action legally in order to stop the confusion..if not for you but for the sake of your children. They have to feel secure and solid and you are doing that for them. The courts may have a professional speak with your children and may assist in coming up with visition that will be agreeable to yourself and your WW.
I know..I have been there.
Be strong..have faith in yourself..you have done nothing wrong.

Is there any kind of legal thing you can do? I don't know anything about that stuff, but I read here where people will file for this or that, which kind of simplifies things, or sets rules. Anyone else know of anything?

In Canada it appears there is little I or the courts can do. From what I have read I wish I lived in the States at this time .There appears to be more court action available.

Rod,

There was another poster from Ontario on these boards that was able to use the MB principles. His name is Hopethisworks. Have a look see to find out if there any ideas you can glean from.

Last I heard - Plan B brought WW to her senses and eventually was his choice whether to R or D.

It was hilarious on Monday .My WW after A)hearing that I had spoken briefy to my first exwife B)Knowing that I went up north for a weekend C) Not being able to find out who I went away with ---Is convinced that I am in relationship with my first wife . I thought that was really funny as I went away with my Separated and Divorced support group .

It is not uncommon for the WS to project their poor choices onto the BS. How are you kids doing? If you can't leave the house when your WW comes to see the kids, can you be completely out of sight to keep up your plan B?

I have not given her the letter yet .If I am to do so i need to reword some of it .I have only voiced my need for boundaries and rules for visitation and vis. schedules. IT IS SO HARD HAVING ANY HOPE THAT THIS CAN WORK WHEN YOU SEE THIS PERSON FULLY ENTRENCHED IN THEIR NEW LIFE. IT APPEARS THAT ONLY THIS SIDE OF THE FENCE IS HURTING WHEN I HAVE TO BELIEVE THERE IS PAIN ON THE DARK SIDE AS WELL . ANY REASSURANCE YOU CAN GIVE ME AT THIS POINT WOULD GO A LONG WAY!!!!!!!!!!!

My boys appear fine .I have contaced the school counsellor .She feels I am doing al the right things for them . I have to try and be out of sight on her next visit.

I too am from Ontario...But my kids are grown now so maybe things have changed in the 15-20 years since they were small. I had a counsellor on the courts advice come and talk to the kids to see where they were at with my H and even myself at the time. When you are trying to work on plan B, it is almost impossible to do so with her around, so even if it is very difficult, you need to remove yourself from the vicinity until she is gone. I do feel for you. I know that the WS's seem to be doing so well and here the BS is an emotional wreck trying to keep it all together.
You sound like an awesome dad...keep up the good work and it will pay off one day.

My abridged Plan B Letter :


Spouse , it is with a heavy heart that I write this letter to you. It is truly sad to see what has happened to us and to our marriage ,our children and our families . The decision I now make is out of a necessity to spare what I can of the love I have for you.

I have made many mistakes in the past and cannot change those mistakes or take them back. I failed to listen to your needs when I should .I being human do not fully understand all things in our or any relationship that I failed in but am willing to learn . I am truly sorry for helping to create and sustain an environment that has made your affair possible and allowed it to continue. I too had a responsibility to meet your most important needs; and by lacking the right judgment, I did little to aid efforts in building and growing our love for each other. Now I know I am more than able to not just meet those needs, but to be lovingly enthusiastic in meeting them .I am willing to forgive mistakes you have made just as you should forgive those made by me.

I have had a most difficult time in the last 4 months . The pain and hurt has been generated in this time knowing you are with someone else .In these troubled times I have spent learning to mend my own failings. The pain and hurt, even though causing me great anguish, has let me realize the inner strength I really possess. The dual nature of hurt and strength makes a conflict that now leads me to an inescapable conclusion. This conclusion, I will hold firm to, as I have learned my strength will only be in my resolve.

Spouse ,this decision I make, I do not make lightly. It is not meant as a measure to punish you. It is simply meant as a way to no longer drain the immense love I have for you, even the kind of love I had for you during the time of the affair.The continued pain has become an unhealthy part of my learning to be the best possible husband and father for the ones I love.

The path home is a simple one .When you are ready to choose to recover the marriage and family as one just leave OM, never contact him again, and call me to let me know your affair is over. , I will be willing to discuss our future together as a whole and healthy family unit without judgement or anger .

Until then, I will not be able to communicate with you on anything other than the health and safety of our children .I will avoid seeing you or speaking to you . I will avoid all communications in any form?On matters needing my attention you can contact me through Friend. He will be my liason .Friend will forward anything important to me." I will leave visitation arrangements communications to a mere minimum using Friend or the children to communicate whenever possible .

I want US, not ME alone and not YOU alone, but US to rebuild our marriage. We need to build a new lifestyle including everything that can be done to make us All happy. I know it is possible for our marriage to flourish, and have no more separations in body or spirit. I want to be your best friend and a husband and father that any woman would be proud to have as a spouse.

Spouse ,I want to grow old with you.When I said ?I DO,? I made a promise in front of God, you, our families and friends for life. I want to be your husband, your friend, and your lover.I loved you more that life itself while we were together and I continue to do so as I write this. I want us together to watch our children grow and flourish as a happy united loving family .

Your loving spouse, and best friend Me

Friend-905-**********/cell-289-*********/ work cell 905-********

If that letter does not pull at her heartstrings than she has no heart.
That is beautiful. How people can just leave a marriage, personal history, is beyond me. I have been divorced 2 times before this marriage..we tried to work things out, but it just came down to no compatability..Thank God my second H and myself had no children together. But at least we made an effort, but the love just was not there..that strong bond.
We all have to go inside ourselves to see why we make the decisions we do, good or bad.
You sound like an amazing man and a great father..my thoughts and prayers are with you.

It's nice, but way too long. She won't hear most of it. Stick to the facts.

For the first time today I am REALLY REALLY MAD !!!!!!! No real reason ,nothing happened but I am so angry . I know this is a natural progression but I dont like the way I am feeling .I have to find a way to vent this . I'll have to be careful around my sons .I dont want to vent on them for no reason .I can't believe the turn my life has taken and I am now so so pissed about it ! How the -ell did they(WW/OM) do this to me and my kids .I cant believe it!

Rod, those thoughts and feelings are normal and just prove you need to be in plan B!

Plan B Letter -Last Draft


WW , it is with a heavy heart that I write this letter to you.Please read it ,every word, and truly understand its meaning.It is truly sad to see what has happened to us and to our marriage ,our children and our families . The decision I now make is out of a necessity to spare what I can of the love I have for you.

I have made many mistakes in the past and cannot change those mistakes or take them back. I failed in many ways to pay proper attention to your needs. I being human do not fully understand all things in our or any relationship that I failed in but am willing to learn . I am truly sorry for helping to create and sustain an environment that has made your affair possible and allowed it to continue. I did little to aid efforts in building and growing our love for each other. Now I know I am more than able to meet and address those needs.I am willing to forgive your mistakes just as you should forgive those made by me.

I have had a most incredibly difficult time in the last 4 months .There is immense pain and hurt that has been generated in this time knowing you turned to someone else .In these troubled times I have spent many hours learning to mend my own failings and mistakes. The pain and hurt, even though causing me great anguish, has opened me eyes to the inner strength I really possess. Through this strength I have reached a conclusion that I will hold firm to, as I have learned my strength will only be in my resolve.

My conclusion is this -I will no longer be able to communicate with you on anything other than the health and safety of our children .I will avoid seeing you or speaking to you whenever I can . I will avoid all communications in any form?On matters needing my attention you can contact me through my liason,Friend.Friend will forward anything important between you and I . I will leave visitation arrangements communications to a mere minimum using the children or Friend to communicate whenever possible .

WW ,this decision I make, I do not make lightly. Do not take its intent incorrectly. It is not meant as a measure to punish you in any way ,shape or form . It is simply meant as a way to no longer drain the immense love I have for you, even the kind of love I had for you during the time of this affair.The continued pain has become an unhealthy part of my life.I am trying to learn to be the best possible husband and father for the ones I love or will love.

I want US, not ME alone and not YOU alone, but US to rebuild our marriage. I want US to build a new lifestyle including everything that can be done to make us All happy. I know it is possible for our marriage to flourish having no more separations in body ,mind or spirit. I want to be your best friend and a husband and father that any woman would be proud to have as a spouse. I want us to be complete happy family once again . I am willing to work at this .

WW ,for you the path home is a simple one .When you are truly ready to choose to recover the marriage and family as one just leave OM, never contact him again, and call me to let me know your affair is over. , I will be willing to discuss our future together as a whole and healthy family unit without judgement or anger .

WW ,I want to grow old with you.When I said I DO, I made a promise in front of God, you, our families and friends for Life. I loved you more that life itself while we were together and I continue to do so as I write this. I want us together to watch our children grow and flourish as a happy united loving family .I want to travel off into the sunset together.


Your loving Husband and best friend Me

Friend.-905-******/cell-*******/ work cell ********

Way too flowery, too much to digest. Facts. 'k?

Why the _ell does giving her this scare the crap out of me ????
She destroyed my life .She stabbed me and then gutted me in front of our children .She flaunted her new life in front of us repeatedly.She continues to be in this "the world is wonderful _ull_hit place .Yet I am still petrified to go this next step .

WHY????????

Rod, your anger, your fears...they are normal. Plan A and B are counter intuitive but they work quite often and even if you don't save your marriage, plan B will preserve your sanity. Dealing with a wayward is damaging for the BS. Please set aside your fears and give her the letter. I am praying for you.

Because it's human nature to feel...less than someone else who denies you. But it's a false feeling, a 'fear' feeling that you are strong enough to see for what it is - manipulation - and laugh it away and hand her the letter with pride in yourself for doing the right thing for both of you.

Someone's got to.

As my boys are here all the time right now I am going to have to stick with Plan A that leans towards (Attempted limited contact)Plan B . to quote "If I can't stick to the NC than there is no point .Right now I can't as the boys are with me and she is trying to contact and reach them . I am happy with that for now .