My wife had an affair with her best friend whom she has worked with for 18 years. She still wants to work there and keep him as a friend. For us to move on, I can't let her keep seeing him everyday. How do I get my wife to see that this is not possible?

Does his wife know about the affair?

I would let your wife know that your marriage can recover if she leaves the job and ends all contact for life with the OM. It cannot recover any other way. Let her know you are willing to stay and work on the marriage under those conditions. For her to continue contact with her adultery partner is cruel to you.

If she will not leave the job, you would want to eventually go into Plan B, because her continued abuse [and this is abuse!] will cause you emotional and physical problems.

What will not ever happen is the recovery of your marriage. Rather, you will die a death of a thousand cuts every day she goes to work with him. She will stay in a state of perpetual withdrawal, resulting in on again, off again affair for years. That is what you are facing. And it is a life of pure, unmitigated hell.

Just let her know that recovery is impossible this way.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through he11. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

You tell her that if one of them doesn't quit, you will notify their bosses and the company's HQ HR division, who will solve it for them.

For exposure to be effective you never warn or threaten to tell.
Your gut is right they must have NC and not work for the same company. As Melody said NC is needed to end and keep this affair dead.

You do not warn your WW that you are going to expose. This will only give your WW time to talk first and tell people her lies. Usually who is heard first is believed. So don't do anything to get your WW talking.

Expose OWH, WW's parents and her siblings, then work. Send email to CEO, and CC Human Resources director, and Board of Directors.

He does not have a wife. Never has. Her work is aware of the situation and trying to transfer him to another building. I still don't know if I can be alright with that. I would never know if they needed him to work in her building for some reason. If I go to upper management I'm afraid it will cause more problems for us.

This was an emotional affair that grew thru the years. There was only one act of infidelity. She thinks it can go back to just friends. I know this is not possible for both. It may be over for her, but I know it's not over for him.

If no wife then look for a GF to expose.

Have you exposed these? WW's parents and her siblings, then work. Send email to CEO, and CC Human Resources director, and Board of Directors.

I have read here for years you need to make an offical complaint at work. They are draging their feet.

Your WW and OM must not be allowed to work together. I've seen too many times on MB where the affair retarted because and or recovery stalled because allowing the affair partners to have contact instead of NC.

More problems than an affair? The affair will lead you to divorce. Do you see exposing the affair at work to be more problematic than that?

Just know that recovery is not possible if still work at the same place. They would still see each other in the hall, at meetings, in the parking lot, cafeteria, etc.

Frankly, I think you have nothing to lose and much to gain from exposing.



I highly doubt it is over for her. Just like an alcoholic, she will soon forget the sting of her last drunk and will be drinking again soon. Not to mention that she can't ever withdraw this way.

You can not stop profuse bleeding with a bandaid. Being in the next building means nothing. It's not over for either of them. Don't buy your WW's bs that she can just be friends.

And anyway, how do you know their work knows of it? Because she says so?

Or have YOU talked to her work?

WW has met with her boss twice. I do not know if the general manager knows. I think her boss is being selfish by putting me down so she will come back to work.

There is no one to expose on his side. He has a child who adores my wife and a mother who knows the whole story, I am told.

My wife doesn't want to give up 25 years at her job. I would give mine up in a heartbeat, and I have a great job. She knows why she has to quit, but she doesn't think she can.

I think I'm fighting a losing battle.

What fight? I'm not seeing the fight.

How long has she been married to you? How long did the affair last? When did you find out? Just trying to understand how work can be more important than marriage? Can she not get employment anywhere else? Really?

"I think I'm fighting a losing battle."

What battle? You mean like the French army in WWII? You want to buy a French army rifle, never been fired, only dropped once?

You refuse to do exposure. You refuse to follow proven advice.

We have been married almost 14 years. There are very difficult circumstances regarding my wife. She does not drive. She rides with another lady to work. Here at the end he was bringing her home because the other lady always worked overtime.

So getting another job is very difficult. She has a car, but panic problems keep her from driving.

There is no one to expose him to other than work. No family that I know of. I know WW has met with her boss, because I took her there both times. I know I need to meet with them.

What do I do if she refuses to quit. I don't want to make her because she will resent me even more. I'm trying to sugar coat it for some damn reason hoping she will see my side, and I know that's not the right thing to do.

I just finished "Surviving An Affair" and it has scared me. The two ways for an affair to end, I know I'm probably looking at the more difficult one where she will lead a secret second life.

I want our marriage to work more than anything. She knows that and I know deep down in her heart she wants that also. She just needs the time to love me again.

It sounds like you're afraid. You're afraid that your wife won't do what is necessary to heal your marriage. You're afraid of rocking the boat because you don't want to make your wife angry with you. Unfortunately, working from fear is the worst thing that you can do for the survival of your marriage- even if it is your natural instinct. You must set your fear aside and do the hard things necessary to save your marriage. You can't trust your wife right now. She has to earn that back one honest step at a time. You can't trust that she will tell you the truth or protect you. She has proven that by committing adultery and lying to you. She must quit her job for your marriage to recover. This is not negotiable. She can't ever see this person again or she won't be able to come back to you. It may make her mad initially but remember she did this to herself. This is a consequence of her actions - not yours. You can't make her quit. You can only set up your own boundaries. It would be too hurtful for you to know that she can see him everyday. If this makes her mad, don't trust her. It is a bad sign.

If you would go to her work - without her - and talk to their HR department, their legal department, and anyone else at that level who makes decisions, I'm pretty sure you can get HIM fired, and solve your problem.

Stop worrying about upsetting your wife. If you'll read other threads in GQ II, it is ALWAYS the man who is afraid to upset his wife who ends up losing her. It is ALWAYS the man who takes charge, gets mad, takes action, and tells her how it will be from now on, who keeps his wife. I don't think I've seen a single case otherwise.

Women are hardwired to need their man to be strong. It's in our DNA from caveman days. If you act weak, she will hate you and WANT to walk all over you. We can't help it.

Go talk to her work.

ETA: When you go there, tell them that you are considering legal actions against him, and that, working there, it may end up that they get dragged into the mess, having been the place where the affair was allowed to happen. Most companies will jump through hoops to avoid litigation; he'll be gone in a day.

Also, have you actually talked to him yet?

First of all, I would like to thank each of you that are taking your time to help me. You all have been great.

My biggest dilemna, what if my wife will not quit her job? What stance do I take? Do I go thru plan A and tell her to leave and be on her own or what? By doing this, do I tell her no financial support from me and she has to pay her own bills(credit card, Car, insurance).

She has to know that she can't work there, but I do not believe she will give it up. Thanks.

I am a newbie but I would not suggest kicking your wife out. It is much easier to work on the marriage if she is still home. You may want to do Plan A as though she is still in the affair because I believe if she doesn't quit her job, the affair will continue. Plan A is not forever though. Maybe some of the veterans could give some more advice.