Yes.

What are his top ENs and how are you meeting them?

I see lots of references to texting him but unless conversation is his top EN (unlikely) then you're wasting your time.

I don't think you should consider plan B at all. You don't have a good plan A behind you yet. You haven't been meeting his ENs (unless you've been doing it w/o posting about it here, possible, but unlikely) and you've been talking non-stop about the relationship with him.

I can't remember - is he still in the A?
Did you expose the A (I don't mean does anyone else know about it, I mean did YOU tell anyone about it)?

I confronted him the day before he left, and the day after he left. I did expose the affair, I talked with the other woman on the phone, I called the number on our cell bill. she answered, I ask her if she was involved with my husband, she said that they were friends. I called another time and a relative got on the phone, I said " you need to tell your relative to stop messing with married men" My husband then called me and said that he was a marked man. Don't know what that meant, I have talked with his mother and she knows that I believe that he is in an affair. so, yes, the affair has been exposed. He has a friend that lives down the street, I have not talked with him. would that be a good idea?

I know I haven't been meeting his ENs. I can't seem to connect for some reason, he seems to be so angry at me. I believe for exposing the affair. I do believe that there is trouble in paradise. yes, it is as you all say "fog babble" says all the hurtful things that I am not to take personally. I am not sure how to re-connect.

I left a message on cell phone today "ask if he was doing ok" no response. and said that a relative bought a house and would be moving in soon. no response.

It seems that he has shut himself off for now. no conversation since last Tuesday.

I am trying to figure what his ENs are? he is so stubborn.

I met his ENs before, I am at a lost.

When we met we talked and talked, shared same interest, he want let me close to him, in any way. did I miss my chance?

Is one week a long time not to communicate?

He want pick up his phone or return any text.

Your texts are a continual reminder to him that you care, whether he reads them or not.

Once you have met the 6 week level you need to have worked out a Plan B love letter. You need an intermediary to intercept all his messages. You need to have worked out a path for his return.

Text us copies of what you think would be appropriate.

I would continue the phone calls and text, and try to meet him at least once a week. You are slowly moving to Plan B and this last push of Plan A should not be a decline into Plan B...but a full out Plan A.

Show him how good things are and what he would be missing if he gave up the M.

Eventually it appears you will need to move to Plan B, but make it a shock...devote time and attention, and when you move to Plan b...make it a definite change in your actions.

This slowly having less and less contact with him will get you to Plan D...

If Admiration is a top EN, this is a simple and free way you can fulfill his LB...send texts that are honest and specific compliments. I know, it may be hard right now, but think of things in the past...like..."I never thanked you enough for taking out the trash...Thank You!' OK that seems really simple, but I'm sure you can think of more. Send him one a day, and if he replies, reply with another one...he will eat it up.

If he is with an OW, believe she is fauning all over him.

After a few days of this make plans to meet him...keep that admiration coming. Make sure it is heartfelt and honest...don't say anything you don't believe, he will see through it. And DON'T follow it with a "But..."

Imagine yourself as a young maid just gushing all over the place..."My, what big, strong muscles you have..." the fan flip and fanning yourself is optional...

You are making yourself look like prime rib, and the OW like chopped liver.

How long can you keep this up? Who knows, only you can tell...perhaps a few weeks, until it becomes too hurtful and you feel your love slipping away. Maybe longer, maybe shorter...be prepared for Plan B. But move to Plan B in ONE FELL SWOOP...not this sort of, kind of getting there but not really...it does not serve you...

Text:

My son just signed on his house and will be moving in soon

how are you doing?

remember Teresa - role play - you took lots of pictures and then.........

blasta butter popcorn - inside joke - he knows i like a lot of butter on my popcorn


these are the last text since the phone bill text:

I have been texting every few days, maybe 3-5 days apart

your thoughts!

Sorry Sun,

I meant post us some scripts of a Plan B letter. This must be a love letter of NC with a bar that he has to jump to reconnect with you.

Plan A is a stop the affair and shows him the best of you. Plan B is the consequence when he does not respond. Plan B is a time for you to recover yourself while the effect of Plan A works on WH.

This is the first week of plan A. I have 5 more to go.

I will post the letter in about 3 weeks.

Hello,

I am confused, should I continue with Plan A - for the next 5 weeks or move to Plan B? I am not getting any responses from him since last week. The last time we talked he sounded depressed. He ask why he can't seem to find happiness? But he said that he was content in the marriage. That sounds like a good sign. I think he would rather have contentment than the mess he is in right now. but how do I gentely get connected again.

Trying to get back to the beginning when we were dating type approach. but with the distance, and resistance I am not sure what to do at this point, I am continuing with trying to work Plan A. phone calls, and emails and text. yet no response.

I know you guys said don't expect anything, just continue to take care of myself and work Plan A to let him know that I am moving forward, and taking care of myself at the same time, no matter what happens. Sometimes this is hard, and consuming, I have other men wanting to be with me or spend time with me. And I am not really interested in dating. that would be cheating since I am still in love and married to my husband.

Do I just need to set still for a minute to regroup. I don't want to miss what to do in Plan A, which I have not really worked before 3/2/09.

Don't worry about his non response. Your text post are having an effect and they are Plan A.

Post him a letter as well, complete with pics and news.

Imagine, thank you so much, this post works, I feel like I am moving outside of my so called box. When I don't here from him, I come here, just being engaged in constructive conversation with like minds, helps! thanks!!!!!

Just need some assurance that I am on the right track.

I will move forward with all that you mentioned.

I promise that I will not be needy or talk about relationship stuff.

I will keep you posted,

I sent him text asking him to go to a spring celebration with some friends, no response. called an ask about a piece that he has for the hot tub. no response. he phone does ring. indicates that he is not with any one. from pass experience at times he would turn his phone off, not very often, on occassion.

I did text him a text saying that I need some loving so bad, and that I rented a video, like he likes to do.

he mother ask me to go to church with her this morning. getting ready to meet her.

this is how it has been so for in the past week and half. no responses.

Do I just keep this up detach, short, and distant.

You don't have to expect a response. Drop a joke, news from home or abroad, joking adverts.

All of these things gets into his mind, until boom -Plan B letter, then nothing and even more nothing unless he meets your demands.

Be prepared for a nothing response. He will get the same later.

Obviously, do not tell him about this site, or it spoils the plan.

Definitely do Plan A. And I wouldn't set any timeline on how long to do it either. Make six weeks a goal, sure, and if you still feel strong after six weeks then continue your Plan A some more. Or if you feel yourself not loving your H any more, go to Plan B sooner, to protect your love for him. Plan B is NOT intended to get your H back. It is intended to save that last tiny glimmer of love you have for him. Save Plan B until you have no other options.

I think this is a good, small start.
You say you have no idea what his ENs are. Most men place conversation very low on their list of ENs, so when you do text him you have to make sure it's meeting some EN that is high on his list, and that you're not texting or calling just for the sake of talking to him.

Most men have Recreational Companionship, Sex, and Admiration high on their list of ENs. Many put Domestic Support and Attractive Spouse high.

So the text about going to the Spring celebration was a great idea. Go, have a blast, take a couple of pics - and then afterward share it with him in a short, very upbeat email with a couple of the best photos attached. Don't say anything about missing him, just say how great it was and that he would have had a great time there.

What you're doing is showing him what a fun companion you can be.

The next time you ask about the hot tub piece, throw in some admiration about how he always keeps parts so organized or knows what part to use or where to find it, or how you're really noticing how much work he put into keeping things running smoothly (like the hot tub) and that you should have thanked him a lot more for it. Really play up the admiration here.

I'm not sure how you're accustomed to flirting with your H but "I need some loving so bad" might come across as needy and you begging him to get back into the relationship. It might be more effective if you tell him how studly and hot he is. The point is to be fun and exciting, not to be needy.

Be sure to tell him about a scene in the video that reminded you of him, that he really would have enjoyed seeing. Remember, you're communicating with him to fill ENs (here it would be recreational companionship).

Your job is to be FUN and attract him back into the marriage. Be everything he ever wanted in a mate, buddy, and companion, have a blast doing it, and look great doing it.

Today my mother in law invited me her church. she was glad to seem me and me her. The service was good. I do believe she is trying to do things for me that her son will not do.I called him and told him that I realize how hard it was to take care of the hot tub and things around the house and that I appreciated him for all that he has done, and wish that I had said it more often. no response, this is getting hard. This has been the longest time I have gone without hereing from him, and it is difficult.

I need more encouragement!!!!

Sometimes I want to move on, but I am still married and want my marriage to work, but I can't do it by myself. I feel like I am doing it by myself.

How can someone whom you were with for 7 years, just vanish out of site as if this marriage never existed. He wants me to go away. Then all his problems will be solved. He want have to face others regarding his adultrey, It would be as if I did not exist and he can tell everyone what he wants them to here. all lies.

I am trying not to be emotional, but it hurts. It is so beautifule outside today, and he will not answer his phone, I want to hang out with my husband!!!!

He left me with the house, and all the memories, along with the repairs. he does not help finanically, how can I get him to help me with things around the house. maintanance in the yard, just things a husband would do. He does not care. His actions says he does not care.

Do I really want to continue with the plans, I am so discouraged. and he is not making things any better.

we have no children between, and it has been 8 months since we have made love. when we had dinner a few weeks ago, he acted like we could work on things, now he has disappeared.

Neither can afford a divorce, I don't really want one, but this is not moving along in a timely manner. I need some effection and attention. And I don't want to step outside of the marriage.

Some how I still have hope. Hope he will just show up at the door saying I want to come home. And then we can start there, but I have nothing to work with. He has not said he was sorry, or even apologized for any discomfort.

I need something to work with.

Sunshine - You have been married 7 years, and your kids are out of the home, correct?

Tell me more about the whole story. How you met, how the marriage was before the affair, your hubby's history before he met you, his work, your work, etc.

together 7 years and married going on 5 years. Let's see, I taught dance class to community kids, and his daughter was in one of my classes. He also would take drums class while his daughter was taking her dance class along with his mother, niece and a couple of other family members.

We had mutual friends, who was having a birthday party and invited both of us. We stated talking more at the party. and I invited him to a middleastern performance I was in with other dancers. He came, and was really impressed of the performance. He said goodnight, and me and other friends hunggout, he came back to give me a business card, he was a photographer. plus he had a motorcycle. so after a couple of days I called him an ask him if we could ride sometime, of course he said yes. he would pick me up and we would ride. we started going to dinner, plays, outings, with friends, and I finally met his family. His mother remembered me from dance class and was excited about us seeing each other. he had sole custody of his daughter, daugher's mother was dealing with a drug issue. He has raised his daughter since age 3. I met his daughter when she was about 8 years old in community dance class. He was never married. he is a recovering addict. was in the military and was kicked out for smoking marj. but has been on his current job for 22 years. facory worker.

I had been married with two sons, My husband had cancer and passed away in 90. so I was a single mother with 2 sons, I decided to go back to school, well I now have my masters. and work in the counseling field.

My current husband and I started dating during near my last year of my masters program. we married at the end of year 2004 after graduation. we dated about 1 1/2 years.

We moved into our house with his daughter, his daughter was good with all of this, then her mother came back into the picture. My husband was in school full time and working full time. I was with his daughter more and more. at the same time her mother came out from under a rock.

Things were fine for a while until his daughter wanted to move in with her mother. her mother was living with another family, no job, no transportation, and not really willing to take daughter,her daughter just wanted to be with her mother.

that was a battle back and forth. his daughter began to be disrespectful, which he did not allow.

to make a long story short. my husband begin to hang out with his old buddies, if you know what I mean. and things begin to change in our relationship. he wasn't home as much, he always had something to do, going to school, taking pictures, or just hanging out with friends, He made time for me but seem to have to stay in touch with his friends.

My mother got sick, sister was diagnosed with cancer, and he began to say that I was not paying him any attention. my sister passed in July 28, My husband left July 4th You can imagine the rest. he has been gone 8 months, and it does not appear that he is coming back. no matter how hard I try.

He blames me for the breakdown of the marriage, and says that he has resentments toward me. I am confused. but I guess he has to say something in his defense. Between all that has happened, I have been put on anti-depressants, I am doing a lot better, I just believe that the break up of my marriage made it much difficult. He would say that he wanted to work on marriage, but no real effort. I pay all the bills, I received nothing from him not even, how are you doing. we tried dinner a couples times, and would talk on the phone several times a week until these past two week. That why I believe we had some hope.

Now, what do you know about the OW? Do you know her name, where she works, any of her relatives, where she lives?

By the way, hubby isn't back with his daughter's mother is he?

no, he is not back with the mother, they never really had a relationship.

The only thing I knew about the ow is that she goes to his school,and I know her name, if he is still with the same one.

his mother says she believes that he is not with anyone, but who knows? I don't know anything else. the last conversation I had with him was a couple weeks ago, when he said the he does not know why he is not happy. which said to me that he has tried everything and everyone and is still not happy. his mother says he plays the martor role. I believe that when he sees me he sees all his mistakes, I don't bring anything up, could it be his guilt?

Do you believe that he is still with ow, because if he wanted to work something out with me, or is he in morning? he would at least put some effort out there. nothing in the last 2 weeks. It's all about him, he is selfish, no that his feelings are hurt, he feels some pain, only for himself. nothing to give to anyone that matters, he has a history of leaving relationships, his mother told me, but she believed that he really put a lot of energy and invested money and time in this marriage. and I am his wife, not some girlfriend that he can walk away from.

I dont't believe that there is nothing we can't work on, however, his thinking is, I just guessing, is that, I would not be with anyone who treated me like that, so why would she want to be with me. Unless he has done some things that he himself can't talk about. what kind of person would not allow another an opportunity to give feedback, he is very guarded and only answers when he wants and the way he wants, no real truth. just one sided conversations. sounds like he has a lot to hide.

Sounds like he is having an affair.

Somehow you need to do some checking while doing your Plan A. Don't ask or accuse him, because they all lie.

Was he a good husband before the affair?