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Hmm. Food for thought, for sure.
I'm afraid. Simply, plainly afraid. Afraid that he may choose to walk away forever and also afraid that he may decide to try to work it out. Both are very scary ideas that carry weight.
It's ridiculous that sometimes I wish he would have found out and confronted me because then perhaps he would have done Plan A and there would be some kind of LoveBank deposits being made. As it is I feel myself becoming more and more independent (which hardly feels possible - we were the couple who were PROUD to say "I don't need you but I like you being around").
Me/WS 32
H 32
M 6 years, together 12
D-Day 3/8/09
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I'm afraid. Simply, plainly afraid. I know you are, RG. I know. And you will be right up until you tell him. Right up until the words pass from your lips, you will want to change your mind. You know you have that option and will be tempted to walk away. Don't. Stay strong and know this is the right thing to do, as hard as it is going to be. Afraid that he may choose to walk away forever and also afraid that he may decide to try to work it out. Both are very scary ideas that carry weight. Yes. But his decisions will be his based on truth and not manipulation. His decisions will be his and yours will be yours, and both will be made from places of solid honesty, not deception. It's ridiculous that sometimes I wish he would have found out and confronted me because then perhaps he would have done Plan A and there would be some kind of LoveBank deposits being made. I can understand why you think this. It may seem ridiculous, but I understand. As it is I feel myself becoming more and more independent (which hardly feels possible - we were the couple who were PROUD to say "I don't need you but I like you being around"). I hear your doubts about telling him. You telling your H does not mean you are committed to saving the M. Yes, the ideal is that it offers you both the opportunity to try to save your M based on openness and honesty. But you're not obligated to try to save it if it can't be saved. Do not worry about all of the "what ifs", RG. You can try to prepare for them, but you don't know what they'll end up being. My final advice is: * Do not drink or take any kind of "influencer" before -- you must be completely lucid. * Tell the truth -- the whole truth and nothing but the truth. * If you find yourself wanting to omit something, that's your gut tellng you it's something you should share. * It will hurt like he**. * Let your H know that you will answer every question he has and you want to help him heal however is necessary. * You will be make it through. * Believe in yourself. You can do this. You are in my prayers, RG. I'll be sending my good vibes your way. I'll be busy throughout much of Sunday, but I'll check in when I can. Please let me know if I can be of any support for you. God bless. -L4
Me (FWW): 45
BH: 46
M: 11/94
PA: 2/08 (4 mos)
Confessed: 10/08
DS10
DD8
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Hi Roo!! I smile when I say your screen name because that's our youngest son's nickname.  I've been quietly following your story and wanted to let you know that you have one of the best right by your side supporting you to do the right thing.....that's Looking4. I know how scared you feel right now, knowing that either way you go is going to cause the most incredible heartbreak you will ever know. But you can't live this way forever because it will literally eat you alive. Once you've confessed to him, that's when the healing can begin. And trust me, it's so much better to confess rather than to have him find out on his own. More than likely, he already knows that things aren't right. You can hide behind words, but you definitely can't hide behind vibes. Please honor your man and come clean with him. You have God on your side who will BLESS you for this! You're in my thoughts and prayers, sweetie. I'm right beside you. 
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L4 and MutedSparkle - thank you for your thoughts today.
I told him. It took 4+ hours to get up the courage but I finally did it. Holding his hand, his arm around me I whispered that I had an affair. "While we were together?" he asked. Yes, I said and began sobbing uncontrollably. I told him that I was sorry and that I was ashamed of myself. Emotion overcame me and I ran to the bathroom to dry-heave.
My H had no visible emotion. Said this is "par for the course" and when I asked what that meant he said that the last three women he's had a relationship with did this to him. I told him that he hadn't exchanged vows with them, though and began to cry again. He said that was true.
He wants to know NOTHING about it. Not who, when, why, where, NOTHING. I told him about this site and when I asked him if I could bookmark it on the computer he said sure. I would guess he'll read a bit but would be pretty shocked if he registered. He's not a "share my dirty laundry" kind of guy.
I don't have much hope right now. He stressed that he doesn't want my email and cell phone logins (had them with me) because he doesn't want a relationship that he has to constantly be wondering about. I did stress that I would answer any questions that he asks. He said "what good would that do?" and "I already know more than I want to."
I asked him if he wanted me to leave and he said that he didn't know so he let me stick around for about 3 hours after I told him. When he did tell me that I should probably leave I kissed him on the head and told him that I love him.
Don't know how this is going to go, folks.
Me/WS 32
H 32
M 6 years, together 12
D-Day 3/8/09
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I looked in not 10 minutes ago, RG. Was just about to close out when I didn't see your update, then at the last second saw it.
I'm proud of you. You've done the hardest thing I hope you'll ever have to do. But you did it. You don't know how this is going to go. You know how you can respond and what you can do, but yes, you do not know what your H wants to do. He may not know either. It's been a matter of only a few hours since things as he knew it have been changed.
This was the right thing to do. I will tell you that over and over and over again.
It may seem impossible right now, but try to rest. You may not sleep, but at least lie down, close your eyes, and again know that you did the right thing. We will deal with the fallout tomorrow and the vets will come on board to help. Right now it's late, you've done all that you can for tonight, and you need to lie down.
We will be here tomorrow.
You and your H are in my prayers.
Me (FWW): 45
BH: 46
M: 11/94
PA: 2/08 (4 mos)
Confessed: 10/08
DS10
DD8
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RG,
I've been following your thread and letting L4 encourage you do the right thing. I thought it would mean more coming from her being a FWW then from me a BS. You did the absolute right thing here Roo. Your H has to decide what he wants now but whatever he does decide you can start to rebuild your life based on honesty and integrity. Regardless of what H decides to do you are in an infinitely better place today then you were yesterday. Take a look at yourself in the mirror and know that you are no longer living a life of lies and deceit. The road ahead will be hard but you are strong and you can do it.
Mindshare
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You don't know how this is going to go. You know how you can respond and what you can do, but yes, you do not know what your H wants to do. He may not know either. It's been a matter of only a few hours since things as he knew it have been changed. This not knowing is almost as bad as holding the awful secret for as long as I did. I want to keep doing the right thing and it suddenly feels like I don't know what that is. I asked last night if I could call him and he told me to do what I want to do. I said, "then I'll call. And if you don't want to talk to me you wont answer." I haven't been a very patient person in life up to this point so I guess now I'll be learning it the difficult way. It's scary because we work opposite hours/days. He's on a rotating shift - 6 days on, 3 off, 2 until 10:30 pm. I work regular days/hours and go to school. The bright side is he'll be off work next MTW and I only have school T that week because of Spring Break. If he'll let me I want to make him dinner one night and maybe chill and watch a movie or play cards or something. I want to make it special and show him that I love him. Does that sound like I'm on the right train of thought?
Me/WS 32
H 32
M 6 years, together 12
D-Day 3/8/09
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RG,
I've been following your thread and letting L4 encourage you do the right thing. I thought it would mean more coming from her being a FWW then from me a BS. You did the absolute right thing here Roo. Your H has to decide what he wants now but whatever he does decide you can start to rebuild your life based on honesty and integrity. Regardless of what H decides to do you are in an infinitely better place today then you were yesterday. Take a look at yourself in the mirror and know that you are no longer living a life of lies and deceit. The road ahead will be hard but you are strong and you can do it.
Mindshare (underlining mine) Thank you for your support, Mindshare. I understand what you mean in the sentences I underlined. This website, the BS, WS and all of the reading available, has been a blessing to me in the last several months. I don't know that my H will come here to read but if he does I know he'll find support, too.
Me/WS 32
H 32
M 6 years, together 12
D-Day 3/8/09
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I am so proud of you, Roo and so is God!
Give your husband time because he's going to go through the whole gamut of emotions over and over again. Since he's been through this with other relationships, you may get residual emotions from that as well. Let him be angry, grieve, question, cry....whatever he needs to do.
I did just like you when it came to looking for help. Signed up here at MB and initiated counseling for myself and us as a couple. My husband wasn't real receptive to much at first, but he does go to counseling with me once a week. I signed him up here at MB but he isn't really interested in posting. That's ok because the help that you will gain here will still help you as a couple.
You're in my thoughts and prayers. Continue to post and know that you're in good hands here.
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I have another question.
Last night my H wanted to know who I had told about this and I told him. My question now is this: H does not want to know anything about the A. The people that I have talked to (close friends) know things, of course. Do I talk to them and tell them that I have confessed, that right now H doesn't want to know any details? Of course I cannot control my H - if he asks them about it, they have the right to answer. I would hope that they would default to me - if you have questions about the A, talk to RooGirl7.
What a freakin' mess I've made.
Me/WS 32
H 32
M 6 years, together 12
D-Day 3/8/09
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He may not want to know anything right now because he's already hurting. Any more info may send him over the edge (just my speculation). Give him time and the questions will come.
If he asks around than so be it. He will come to you to verify if it is true eventually.
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This not knowing is almost as bad as holding the awful secret for as long as I did. Because now you feel you're not in control. You can't control your H. And newsflash... You never could. When you're lying you feel like you're in control, but you're really not. Because you have to become another person to keep the lies "real" and leading a double life is not having control. It eventually takes its toll. Telling the truth is taking control where you can. And that can be empowering because it helps you restore your integrity. I want to keep doing the right thing... Then you will. and it suddenly feels like I don't know what that is. You do too. The right thing is to be open and honest in every way. Be open and honest with yourself as to why you chose to have an A. You need to see within yourself. Be open and honest about what you did that allowed the A to present itself and what you did that allowed it to develop. This will help you as you work on your EPs. Be open and honest with how much you're willing to help your H heal. If he can't tell you tomorrow if he's going to try to save the M, will you leave? Are you willing to put up with his indecision for 3 years? Are you willing to change things in your life (job, location, friends) if he requests as such to help him recover? It's scary because we work opposite hours/days. He's on a rotating shift - 6 days on, 3 off, 2 until 10:30 pm. I work regular days/hours and go to school. This is so tough. The two of you have to do everything you can to get all of your chores, errands, and other extra-curricular things tended to while the other is working so that during those few hours when you are available to each other, you are able to focus on each other. If you must go to the bank while he's at home, ask if he can go with you. You need to be around each other, in my opinion. The bright side is he'll be off work next MTW and I only have school T that week because of Spring Break. If he'll let me I want to make him dinner one night and maybe chill and watch a movie or play cards or something. I want to make it special and show him that I love him. Does that sound like I'm on the right train of thought? I don't know. What are his ENs? Is conversation one of his top ENs as far as you can tell? Because if yes, then having dinner and playing cards might be the thing. However, if RC is more to his liking, would he get more out of going bowling or taking a hike with you? You want to do things you know he wants to do. Don't force anything on him.
Me (FWW): 45
BH: 46
M: 11/94
PA: 2/08 (4 mos)
Confessed: 10/08
DS10
DD8
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Hey RooGirl
Well done for doing that. I hope you are able to maintain your patience and that your DH will be able to see your new found commitment.
I think it would be good to let those friends know that you have 'fessed up - All us waywards know that we have messed up and loathe what we have done but we still need the support of our friends - definitely let them know that you would like to give H the details when he's ready.
I hope this isn't made harder for you that it has happened to him before(not that any of us deserve an easy ride). His confidence must have bottomed out. And he will be questioning what it is that he keeps getting so wrong. When ever you get opportunity you must keep taking full responsibility for the A - it was your bad choice - he didin't make you have the A.
Most importantly at this time does H have male friends that he could share this with? - people that will listen and help him maintain a steady mood, restore his self confidence.
Thinking of you and hoping you can both work the best outcome
ST
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This not knowing is almost as bad as holding the awful secret for as long as I did. Because now you feel you're not in control. You can't control your H. And newsflash... You never could. When you're lying you feel like you're in control, but you're really not. Because you have to become another person to keep the lies "real" and leading a double life is not having control. It eventually takes its toll. Telling the truth is taking control where you can. And that can be empowering because it helps you restore your integrity. I'm working on this in my IC. I want to keep doing the right thing... Then you will. and it suddenly feels like I don't know what that is. You do too. The right thing is to be open and honest in every way. Be open and honest with yourself as to why you chose to have an A. You need to see within yourself. Be open and honest about what you did that allowed the A to present itself and what you did that allowed it to develop. This will help you as you work on your EPs. Be open and honest with how much you're willing to help your H heal. If he can't tell you tomorrow if he's going to try to save the M, will you leave? Are you willing to put up with his indecision for 3 years? Are you willing to change things in your life (job, location, friends) if he requests as such to help him recover? At this point I don't know if there will be a tomorrow. He didn't know what he wanted to do yesterday and of course it's too soon. I told him that I could call if I wanted to and if he doesn't want to talk to me he won't answer. This is going to be a long, hard road. It's scary because we work opposite hours/days. He's on a rotating shift - 6 days on, 3 off, 2 until 10:30 pm. I work regular days/hours and go to school. This is so tough. The two of you have to do everything you can to get all of your chores, errands, and other extra-curricular things tended to while the other is working so that during those few hours when you are available to each other, you are able to focus on each other. If you must go to the bank while he's at home, ask if he can go with you. You need to be around each other, in my opinion. If he lets me be there for him I will. We do not live together - I moved out of the house at the beginning of November. I wanted to talk about coming back home yesterday but it seemed like there was already enough on his mind. The bright side is he'll be off work next MTW and I only have school T that week because of Spring Break. If he'll let me I want to make him dinner one night and maybe chill and watch a movie or play cards or something. I want to make it special and show him that I love him. Does that sound like I'm on the right train of thought? I don't know. What are his ENs? Is conversation one of his top ENs as far as you can tell? Because if yes, then having dinner and playing cards might be the thing. However, if RC is more to his liking, would he get more out of going bowling or taking a hike with you? You want to do things you know he wants to do. Don't force anything on him.
Me/WS 32
H 32
M 6 years, together 12
D-Day 3/8/09
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Hey RooGirl
Well done for doing that. I hope you are able to maintain your patience and that your DH will be able to see your new found commitment.
I think it would be good to let those friends know that you have 'fessed up - All us waywards know that we have messed up and loathe what we have done but we still need the support of our friends - definitely let them know that you would like to give H the details when he's ready.
I hope this isn't made harder for you that it has happened to him before(not that any of us deserve an easy ride). His confidence must have bottomed out. And he will be questioning what it is that he keeps getting so wrong. When ever you get opportunity you must keep taking full responsibility for the A - it was your bad choice - he didin't make you have the A.
Most importantly at this time does H have male friends that he could share this with? - people that will listen and help him maintain a steady mood, restore his self confidence.
Thinking of you and hoping you can both work the best outcome
ST Hello stayingtogether. Thank you for stopping by. I think I will send a quick email this afternoon and let them know. Thank you. He does have friends to talk to - not sure if he'll confide in them, though. I hope he does reach out to someone.
Me/WS 32
H 32
M 6 years, together 12
D-Day 3/8/09
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(am I a broken record?)
My H said yesterday that I should do what I want to do re. calling/emailing/texting him. So, this morning when I woke up I sent a text saying that I was thinking of him and love him. Just now I called the house and left a message that I wondered what he was feeling and if I could help at all. Told him that if he wants to see me I am totally willing.
Patience....
Me/WS 32
H 32
M 6 years, together 12
D-Day 3/8/09
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Hi Roogirl,
I'm hoping you get a few good responses from some of the vets at this point.
For what it's worth here are my thoughts:
Do you think your contact will LB him?
I know when I have had a bust up before and have been very anxious about my Hs response and have texted and called and not had a response; he was annoyed because he felt that i hadn't given him any time - as far as he was concerned I was still there all the time.
As far as I was concerned I felt like he had disappeared from the face of the earth.
Find out whether he actually likes the contact. Send him a message asking him directly and if he doesn't reply then I suggest you back off for at least 48 hours if you can stand it. If you haven't heard anything after that then maybe contact with a practical housekeeping question that you really need his input with. You will then be able to get an idea of where he is at depending on how/whether he replies.
If he replies that he doesn't mind then I would carry on with the occasional message but make it something speific that you admire about him or that you miss about him. Or something about the way you are handling what has happened - how mortified you are what you are doing to correct yourself whether or not he decides that he still wants to be part of your life.
ST
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Hi Roogirl,
I'm hoping you get a few good responses from some of the vets at this point.
For what it's worth here are my thoughts:
Do you think your contact will LB him?
I know when I have had a bust up before and have been very anxious about my Hs response and have texted and called and not had a response; he was annoyed because he felt that i hadn't given him any time - as far as he was concerned I was still there all the time.
As far as I was concerned I felt like he had disappeared from the face of the earth.
Find out whether he actually likes the contact. Send him a message asking him directly and if he doesn't reply then I suggest you back off for at least 48 hours if you can stand it. If you haven't heard anything after that then maybe contact with a practical housekeeping question that you really need his input with. You will then be able to get an idea of where he is at depending on how/whether he replies.
If he replies that he doesn't mind then I would carry on with the occasional message but make it something speific that you admire about him or that you miss about him. Or something about the way you are handling what has happened - how mortified you are what you are doing to correct yourself whether or not he decides that he still wants to be part of your life.
ST Great ideas stayingtogether - thank you! I'll ask him today if me contacting him is bothering him and take it from there.
Me/WS 32
H 32
M 6 years, together 12
D-Day 3/8/09
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Anyone want to be an email buddy? I can email like a crazy person at work - it's tougher to get here and read/post. If you are up for that, PM the moderators and ask them for my email address. (I think it works that way?)
Me/WS 32
H 32
M 6 years, together 12
D-Day 3/8/09
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Find out whether he actually likes the contact. Send him a message asking him directly and if he doesn't reply then I suggest you back off for at least 48 hours if you can stand it. If you haven't heard anything after that then maybe contact with a practical housekeeping question that you really need his input with. You will then be able to get an idea of where he is at depending on how/whether he replies. I did this at noon today (asked him directly if he wanted me to stop texting/calling him) and so far haven't heard anything. I'll give it more time.
Me/WS 32
H 32
M 6 years, together 12
D-Day 3/8/09
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