Hi Gabzz, just been thinking about the above, and I have some reservations after.... "and the break would do you good". I think if you say the rest, he will see it as you trying to manipulate and control him, and he will see the ending as sarcastic. I may be wrong here, and obviously you know him best, but I would be very careful, because you may undo some of the good work you have done.

I would say... I know you are heading off to Spain on the 28th and I want to apologise for my reaction to the news of your going on this trip. I had no right to say the things I did. I know how hard you work for our family and I know the break with your friends will do you good. To put it simply, it is painful for me to contemplate you living a life separate to me, even for only 5 days. In recent months I have come to see how much I have neglected "us" and you, and I have come to see how much I need and want you in my life. Please believe me when I say that you go on this holiday with my blessing because I want you to be happy. Laugh lots on your trip, and know that me and the children will be home thinking of you and missing you.....

The vets on the board may be able to come up with something much better, but I do believe that the ending of your talk to him needs work.

Enjoy your walk tomorrow. Lots of love,,,,

Good Morning Sere,

Im so glad you are back, i was hoping there was nothing wrong.

I do have a weight watchers pedometer and i wear it all the time, as well as telling me the steps i have taken it also gives you bonus points when you have reached your healthy amount of steps for the day.

I think if i left him notes or anything in his luggage it would look to him as if i was trying to control him or something. maybe im wrong but thats how i feel he would perceive it.

Maybe i will put something funny into the case, i dont know what yet, i will have a think about it. I dont want to give him the impression that i think its fine for him to be going because i dont.
the weight loss and excercise programme is going great, thanks so much for your support and encouragement.

Its great to have you back, i missed our chats.

Love Gabrielle

Hi Sere,

just read your second post, you are right it does sound controlling, i havnt said anything to him yet, i like the way you have worded it. maybe if i say something like this:

I know you are heading to spain on 28th and i just want to tell you that i am sorry for the way i reacted to the news, i had no right to say the things i did. I know how hard you work for our family and i know the break will do you good. To put it simply, i find it painful that you are going away for 5 days to another country without me, its never happened before in our marriage.

After this point i am not sure what to say, remember he has told me that he didnt want to work on the marriage and that he was only staying until our d is 18, i dont want him to think i am clingy or needy so im not sure about the bit from in recent months onwards?

Morning Hope,

I am not writing him a letter, i was going to say it to him. I do want to apologise to him for saying what i did to him without it sounding controlling or needy.

I cant ask him if he wants me to get anything for him in the store for his trip, it would make me what to my good nature does not extend that far

I played right into his hands with the LB, there was no need at all for him to say that to me, he was being an assxxxx and he just got my back up! I wouldnt mind the only reason i went into that pharmacy was to pick up something for him and i told him this.

He wont be living with 16 smelly guys, they have booked 4 apartments, 4 in each so i dont think he will be pining for home somehow!

you and I have a lot in common pity we live so far away from each other


The weight watching is going well, i didnt go for a walk last night, i took a break and had 3 vodkas and diet tonic instead and a packet of crisps My weekly treat!

Watched some TV with H and chatted a bit, we got on well and i didnt commit any LBs, threw in a couple of compliments during the evening too

Hey Gabzz,
Even though they will be in 4 apts, somebody will be throwing up, somebody will be farting, somebody will be smelly so it will not be all fun and games. Men like to act like caveman and luckily when they travel in packs women run the other way!

I went to gym today and did Yoga and I am really cutting down on what I eat at night. Don't want to steal your sitch, but check my thread out because I had some interactions with H today and broke NC.

Tomorrow night I am going to start walking-semi-running and try to get some exercise at night also. Glad you are doing so well with your walks. Do you always walk alone?

Your next goal is a way to get back in your bedroom. It is time. one baby step at a time. You have an advantage he is still in the house.

Your right we have much in common. I am only a short ride on a wide pond! I have been to Scotland/England many times. Did I mention my H is a scotsman?

You have some serious issues in your marriage - no sex for 2 years?

The independent behaviour of both of you is destroying your marriage. Have you considered attending a Marriage Builders weekend?

No way my wife would be going on a holiday without me.

If he wants to live a life that does not include you I would consider Plan B and that is NOT controlling at ALL!!

Morning Hope,

I find that if i stick to my ww points for the day and dont eat after 6pm that it helps me lose weight the most. If i go to bed feeling a little hungry it seems to work better for me.

I read your sitch, its impossible not to blow up now and again, its a terrible situation you are in and after all you are only human and you have been hurt so much by your H.

I always walk alone, it suits me better like that, it means i can go at whatever time i want too without depending on anyone else besides i have lots of music downloaded onto my phone so i enjoy that as i am walking.

I dont know how i am going to get myself back into the bedroom, the atmosphere is not right for this, if i suggested it i am sure i would be told i am not welcome and i am not prepared to be put down by him.

Yes you did mention that your H is from scotland, they say the Irish and the Scots are similar in personality????? Dont know any scotsmen so i cannot compare. The Irish are a very laid back easy going people and that definately describes me

Walking went well yesterday, had a pleasant evening with H yesterday, we watched a film and H was in really good form for a change, he is mostly always grumpy! kept to the weight watcher plan too.

I would like some help with what i will say to H regarding his trip to Spain on 28th of this month with 16 men on a golf trip. As you can see by my thread, communication is not great between us, i want to let him know that i am sorry for the way i reacted to the news that he had planned to go on this trip but i am aslo very upset that he is going.

What would be the best way to handle this without causing Lbs??????

Gabzz, there is NO way to say you are upset without MAJOR lovebusting. What you need to keep in mind is your long term goal not your short term hurt.

Think about it...first you want to apologize for how you reacted (why???) it is water under the bridge and then get him all mad again to say that you are upset.

He KNOWS you are upset that is why he is saying nothing. Everytime you want to bring it up, put up the volume of your ipod and dance around the house instead. More healthy for you.

Your H is going on this trip. It is reserved and paid for. Stop trying to change it.

You need to keep yourself focused on your own health, learning to be your own Goddess, and goal of getting back into the marital bed. By not mentioning this trip you are working towards those other goals.

We are your cheer squad. Keep up the good work.


I am also working on eating less at night. That's great you are done eating at 6. I had read about all the good benefits of apple cider vinegar. It helps break up the fats in your body and slows blood sugar which keeps you fuller. It will help you lose weight faster without pills. I try to have at least 5 tablespoons of it before lunch and dinner.

My H is 1/2 Irish even though he had never been there. I think the family was from black rocK?

Hiya Hope,

I am resigned to the fact that he is going but i also know i shouldnt have told him to get a solicitor if he intended going, by me not saying anything about it, is that not telling him that i am ok with it, which means he will prob go again next time and its just brushing the whole thing under the carpet like everything else in our marriage?



We own a holiday apt in the same area he is going to and i had to ring him earlier because the rental company needed details of our holiday arrangements for july and august and he said to me.
"Dont worry about that, i will sort all that out in three weeks when i go over there" I just went really quiet, i didnt say anything, i couldnt anyway cos i was in my office at work at the time

Do i just pretend i dont know he is going and just let him head off without saying a thing?

Im off to the store to stock up on Apple Vinegar

Blackrock is in County Dublin which is only 20 minutes away from me on the motorway.

Hi Gabzz,

still doing really well I see... Keep up the good work with the diet and exercise. As Hope says, keep in mind you have long term goals here, body, mind and soul. Just as there are no quick fixes for your situation, equally you need to weigh up the benefits of some short term pain against your plan for yourself and your marriage in the long term. Sometimes you just have to suck it up knowing that you are doing the right thing for your long term future.

Quit trying to control him, you will not affect his behaviour by telling him you are upset that he is going. He knows that, and he is still going. He probably feels quite entitled to go given that he told you quite a while ago that he had checked out of the marriage. Whatever you do, you must not LB and you must not sarcastically wish him a happy holiday. No, no, no.

If I can only give you one piece of advice it is that you must never avoid communicating about an issue just because it is difficult to discuss. You are signing the death certificate for your marriage if you do that. However difficult this is for you, you are going to have to find a way to open up a positive channel of communication about this trip.

If you don't think you can manage a face to face discussion about this with LB'ing, then write him a letter. If you do not discuss this with him in a positive way, then you are telling him that you don't care, and we know that you do. Please please remember that you cannot be execting him to be buying back into the marriage at this early stage. It's way too early for him to trust any changes in your behaviour.

I know how hard this is. You are carrying all this, doing all the work, getting nothing back and he is getting a holiday. We all understand how hard this is, believe me, but you need to keep your focus.

You're getting good advice. If it doesn't exactly fit for you and your H, then adapt it slightly, but you have to come out of the comfort zone here. Focus on the person you will be in 12 months - slim, fit, gorgeous, warm and funny. Your H would be a fool not to want you. Remember that to help you through these short term hurdles.

Me and H are away for a weekend in the Lakes this weekend so I'll check in on you on Monday.

Love to you and have a great weekend.

We have a house in Spain too, but we are on the Costa de la Luz which is known as the Spanish Algarve, and is on the same coast as the Portuguese Algarve.

I've only ever been to Ireland once. We have friends who live near Cork and we flew into Dublin and drove down into County Cork. I loved it. The funny thing was we got lost twice on the way and stopped to ask for directions. Both times the people we asked insisted we go into their homes for a drink and something to eat. Lovely, warm friendly people. I'd love to go back one day.

Sere,

Thanks for the great advice, i know you are right, my emotions just get in the way now and then and i panic panic panic.

I will chat to you on monday, hope you have a lovely time at the lakes.

Love

Gabrielle

Afternoon Hope,

Can you believe i met my friend Frank here again after 10 years! I couldnt believe to see his user name, he was a great help to me when i came here back then when i first found out about the affair, we are now in touch again via email and i am so delighted to be chatting to him again.

I am doing ok at the moment, didnt see H yesterday at all, he was working a 24 hour shift.

Frank is an avid golfer and has put my mind at ease as to what a golf trip entails time wise so i feel less anxious about it.

Walking is going well, just off to the beach for my walk now.

Weighed myself this morning and i have lost 3 and a half pounds this week so i am really happy with that.


Total loss to date is 22lbs Yipee!!!!!!!

Gabzz
3 1.2 pounds. Keep it up one day at a time. 22 lbs total! fantastic. Be proud.

It is tough work but you will keep it up. You are doing well. One foot in front of each other. We are in a fight for our M. It is a war. Anything we can do to win each battle we need to try. At least we can say we gave it our all!

Glad you got in touch with your old friend from here. Was he able to save his M? Good you talked to him about golf weekends and all the time on the course. Might ease your mind a bit.

take care.

Hope,

Thanks for the encouragement, it is great to see the weight going down and the jeans getting looser by the day

Yes Frank was able to save his marriage, he really is an inspiration, he is so wise i would love for him to help you out too.

We went out for our weekly night out last night and it was an ok night, threw in a few compliments over the course of the night but they didnt seem to have any effect, patience is a virtue!

H invited me to go to see his parents today, had a good day and on the way home i told him he was an excellent driver, he said "why do you say that"? I told him i always thought it i just never said it before, he seemed quite pleased

No walking today, im having a rest after my late night :crosseyedcrazy:

Hi Gabzz,

Took a little break on posting. Glad that your H took you out and also took you to parents. I remember you posted before that he was not taking you to his parents. Do you get along with them? Next time he takes you why don't you make them some sort of treat that they like. H will see you are making an effort with his family.

Have you had any love busting? It sounds good so far. I think that you should make a positive when H goes away. Take all the stuff out of the spare bedroom and have it painted, BUT do not finish all the work so you will have to move back in your bedroom. Then take a few extra days and tell your H that you feel so much more comfortable in your marriage bed that you never want to leave.

Small steps...

Hi Hope,

You are off on your travels on friday, i hope you have a great time, God knows you more that deserve it! How long are you going for?

H has been better lately at asking me if i want to come along and visit his parents, i told him before christmas that i was really upset that he went there without me and since then he has asked me along so that is good progress. I get on really well with them. I love them both especially his mam, we have a great relationship and everytime i go visit i always bring them something either flowers, chocolates or something nice and they always appreciate it.

No love busting at all these days but i do find it hard to compliment him etc (his no 1 is admiration and appreciation)its not that i dont want to its just that i dont think be believes any of it. in saying that, a few weeks ago i was really complimenting him on his physique, looks, personality, how good a dad he is, provider, and he was in great form all that weekend joking and laughing with me and it was great. Then he went back to being stand offish again At the time i was saying to myself is this just a flash in the pan or could giving him compliments really give these amazing results?

My friend Frank suggested that i buy him some little thing to do with golf to give him for his trip like a divot tool which is used for marking the grass or something like that, so i have ordered one and i will give it to him before he goes or maybe i will put it into his bag, what do you think? it has the manchester united crest on it, he just loves that team so much!

I did go into the room the other morning and while he was still in the bed and i lay on the other side just for a chat and he didnt tell me to get out or anything so i might move back in while he is away even for the few days and see what happens.

Weight watching going really well.

Walked 40 mins yesterday too!

Take care xxx

Gabzz, you are turning into a master MBer here.

Don't expect huge results in the beginning, also expect some backlash or setbacks once in awhile. Try not to read too much into his actions. Be consistent with him and try not to lose your temper (I know that is a tough one for myself ). You are seeing some of the positive signs that they talk about on this board.

This situation did not happen overnight. It takes time for his heart to soften to you again. Like the idea of you hanging out in bed. Start to do it more often. Find excuses to go in there to chat. When you have a night out, before you go to bed go in there for a chat, complain you are too tired to move and see how he reacts.

I know you are scared of being rejected...take it slow -- you might get some rejection-- that is normal but you are doing great.

Like the idea Frank had about divot tool. No words just positive actions. And just think when he is away he will think of you every time he uses it. It might bring a smile to his face.

Right now I am struggling. Trying to keep silent and dark. My D28 said H is working out and watching his weight now. It makes me angry that he wants to look good for the slag. But I vent on these boards and say nothing. I still pray for my M to be restored no matter how hopeless it seems at times.

We will be away for a week. Really need this vacation. Looking forward to meeting others on this board. take care.