My WW poured out a ton of details over the last week. It has been extremely difficult, mostly because she had been lying about them for the last ten months. She spent three days straight typing all the details that she could rememeber of the two month affair that is now a year old. I would read the details each night, ask questions, and she would try to fill in the blanks. She finished up on Friday. Saturday WW and I went to a church retreat which culminated in prayer. We were both very emotional, and I believe there is at least a glimmer of hope in reconcilliation.

So here is where I would like input/help. One of the details that she revealed was that she spent the night at his once while I was at home. The rest of the times I was traveling for work (I spent the first three months of 08' out of town except for an ocassional weekend at home). She had told me until last week that she stayed at a friends house that. She came clean last week and told me the truth. At the time, she told her friend that if I ever ask about it, that she lie for her and say that she stayed there. After I found out about the affair, I sent a text message to this friend from my wifes phone asking "what night did I stay at your house again?" Her friend essentially lied and replied "I don't remember" knowing that is was likely not my WW that sent her the text. I don't believe that this friend actually knew of the A, just agreed to lie on behalf of WW. At any rate, WW works with this woman. I believe that anyone willing to lie for my WW is no friend of the marriage. I told WW that I don't want her to talk to this friend outside of work, and that she be un-invited to a baby shower this upcoming weekend. WW thought this was unreasonalbe and it wasn't her friends fault. However, WW told me today that she uninvited this friends. So my question is, am I being unreasonable?

No. You are correct in that this friend is not a friend of the M.

Your W needs to protect your MARRIAGE first and foremost. She has not "gotten" that yet and is still trying to negotiate boundaries with you.

Hold firm on your boundaries and you will be ok.

You say the friend didn't know about the A. What did your W tell her to justify to her friend that the friend needed to lie for her? Is it possible your W lied to her friend and portrayed you very badly which made the friend want to protect your W?

No, the friend shouldn't lie.

But how do you know that the friend knew is was you? Your own quote is, "...knowing that is was likely not my WW that sent her the text."

And not remembering may not be a lie since it was a year ago that your W was supposedly staying with the friend.

But IF the friend KNEW it was you, IF the friend did know the exact day, IF the friend thought your W was in danger or who knows what (one or all conditions are possible here), I can understand why she might have been resistant to give details. Her relationship is with your W and not you so she may have been protective based on whatever your W chose to share with her.

I know your question wasn't about this, but I'm glad that among all the muck and pain, you are able to see a glimmer.

While your W saw this as unreasonable, she still did it for you. She put you first. A small step, but a step nonetheless.

It helps to acknowledge that I was an extremely selfish person for a long time. I never took her needs into consideration unless I wanted something from her, and that is still selfish. I know that I loved her deeply at one point, and my actions rarely showed her that. I think that if she can forgive me for the way I treated her for far to long, I can give my best effort to forgive her.

Get that toxic 'friend' out of your marriage.

And poly your wife for God's sake!!!!

She will continue to game you as long as you allow!

No doubt that I allowed her to game me for a long time. Somehow I thought that all her emotions and crying meant that she actually cared and was being honest. I don't doubt that she wants to save the marriage, just that she wants it on her terms. She wanted to ignore the advice of this board, the pastor, the counselor, and everyone else about honesty and rebuilding trust.

I beat myself up for a long time wondering "why can't I trust her?" No more. It's all up to her. If she can't come clean with me, then I can't continue being her husband.

Time to move on. She's still lying to you.

The baby is likely the OM's.

She is probably still seeing OM.

Don't waste a penny on the poly. Get a DNA test and be ready to move on.

She's still gaming you.

Wake up man!!!

You didn't make your first anniversary before your wife dropped her panties for another man!

I agree. You were not even married for 1 year and still in your honeymoon phase while she was screwing another man behind your back and putting you health at risk for STD's. She had continued to lie to you for months on end. I would certainly get a paternity test done. The fact is that the actions of your wife clearly showed that she has had no respect for you or your marriage and that she has continuously lied to your face time and time again.
Let me ask you this: If you knew then what you know now would you have still wanted to marry her? I doubt if the roles had been reversed that she would have been so forgiving and easily manipulatived as you have been. Why are you willing to settle for this in your life? Her actions indicate that she has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

No, if I knew she was going to have an affair nine months into our marriage I would not have married her. Nor would I have married her if I had known she would lie like she has, and manipulate me.

I should have been a little more skeptical of someone who is married and divorced at 25. I was pretty skeptical at the beginning, but after five years of dating I chalked it up to emotional immaturity.

I think lying is still a part of who she is.
And lets take this little test to see if she is "getting" it or not.

I think she is lying to you about uninviting this toxic friend to the baby shower.

Are you going to be at this baby shower?
Do you have any verifiable way to PROVE that your wife really did uninvite her?

If she is really telling the truth about uninviting her -- she MIGHT be starting to "get it".

I think she lied to get you off her back.

Here is what I am getting at:

If she lied to you about uninviting this friend to the baby shower -- it shows that she still has that entitlement/selfish attitude, and she will lie to you to get her way.

That anytime she thinks you are unreasonable, you won't get the truth. Its not a healthy foundation for a marriage. And if that is the case she is not ready for recovery.

She needs to "get it".

He will be at the baby shower and he will be able to see for himself that I did "uninvite" the friend. He told me to put his needs first so I talked to her first thing when I got to work and told her I thought it was best if she didn't come to the shower. I absolutely did not lie about "uninviting" her. Even if he wasn't planning on going to the shower, I would expect him to show up and check to make sure that I had done what I said I did.

Ok -- so I'm curious. Did you explain to her the reasons without making your husband the bad guy?

Do you understand that it is NOT unreasonable for him to ask that you not associate with those who assisted your affair?

I did explain to her why she is not welcome at the shower. She does not know about the affair so my H and I discussed a way that I could "uninvite" her without her knowing about the affair. I absolutely did not make him out to be the bad guy.

I'm still curious. You were pg when you had this affair, right?

I had trouble getting myself geared up for SF with my own husband for many of the months I was pg. I don't think I would have or could have taken up with George Clooney if he stripped down bare naked in my bedroom back then!

(and still wouldn't--though it would be nice scenery...)

I am not trying to be obtuse, but you appear to be lieing again. Just man up and tell the girl the real reason why she is not invited to the shower.

I could not agree more. And if you lose a friend...so be it.

Natural consequence. You need to learn to accept the consequences of adultery instead of trying to run from them.

No, I was not pregnant when I had this affair. I got pregnant 5 months after the affair ended.

In regards to the "friend" who was uninvited to the shower... I suggested to H that I should tell her what is going on and he thought that it was not necessary and that not everyone needs to know what is going on. So, I don't have a problem telling her but at this point, we will not be friends outside of work anymore.

I am going to give this thread back to my husband. I have hijacked it for long enough.