Is your XW angry with you?

Does she blame you for how her life has turned out?

Just curious, but does she believe that she tried for years to get you to change, but finally gave up?

I don't know how to argue with the "WS gets to decide." I mean of course they do. Then again they don't. I'm not sure if there is a technical definition for these scenarios, but it reminds me of the two man missile silos. Both have to agree to have a launch, but only one is required to not have a launch. So I don't know how you define who decides the launch/no launch decision.


I guess it is when it doesn't "work".

I don't mean that to sound cruel, but that's the way it works out. That is the way I felt after my last false recovery. And after that I quit following any MB plans. But I didn't mind following the plans up until then. I didn't think it was a waste of time. In my mind, it had to be done. Aside from all the self improvement things you can get from the plans, in the end, its the only way to verify is the problem the M or is the problem the WS.

So aside from feeling degraded and humilated, I also felt releived and like something had been accomplished. It was clear that the M or my actions were not the problem. This is not to say it meant I was the ideal husband. I wasn't. It means that my WW was not leaving because of my shortcomings, she was leaving because of hers.

I guess for some, there is no comfort in that, but it worked for me.

And just to remind you MMF -- there are probably many things your XW are feeling were things YOU did that she had no control over.

The job loss. The financial problems. She probably felt victimized by those things, just as you do now.

Nothing could be more healing to me right now than hearing your words. A righteous man indeed you are. Your children are so blessed to have you as their moral compass.

MMF

I have had to forgive myself for allowing myself to be a choice Squid my FWS could take. That still irks me.

However....I set the context in which she made that decision very formidably.

I exposed their affair, most effectively to OMs long term GF.
Through plan A I demonstrated what she'd be chucking up.
I researched the bottom feeder that was OM, and gathered enough evidence against him to help keep him dark and distant ( so much for " true love ").

I decided that if the marriage was going to end it would NOT be because of an affair with a reptile like OM. I vowed to end that mess so that we could make a decision regarding our marriage in a fog-free situation.

So I DID get to choose a lot of stuff. But can we MAKE our WS stay home ? NO. Would you WANT your marriage if you had to do that to keep her at home ? I wouldn't.

Lexxy,

I am responsible for the financial issues we had. Is that enough of a reason to have an A?...I guess so.

Did my XW try and get me to change?
answer: I needed to CHANGE by making more money.

Why?
answer: My XW was adamant that I was the "man" so I should be the "provider" and she the SAHM.

So I AM guilty of financial failure.

MMF

MMF --

I am in NO WAY saying that an affair is justified.

I just have a "sense" that your X-wife and I are on the same wavelength. So maybe I could help you understand how she might be feeling.

When my H and I got married, I felt confident that we were both on the same page with our objectives for our family. I felt that there was a progression that should happen -- and I thought he was on board with it.

I agreed to buy our first house -- always knowing that it was our FIRST house....not our ONLY house. However somewhere along the line, he became complacent. When I wanted to move to accomodate our growing family and growing careers/income -- he was most certainly NOT on board.

I felt extremely "cheated" because the deal got changed somewhere along the way.

And it wasn't just the house. It was on the number of kids, the jobs, it seemed like everything was becoming a struggle -- when we had agreed on all of this to begin with. I started feeling "tricked" into the marriage. The ol' bait and switch!

I thought I had committed to someone with the same goals and objectives that I had, and now I was in a marriage where I wasn't getting what I wanted.

I had a HUGE amount of underlying anger at my husband. After a few years of constant conflict, I went into a silent withdrawal. He didn't notice. I was a bundle of unmet needs, simmering frustration, and unsatisfied goals. Enter OM.

Anything sound familiar??

Lexxy,

My XW's idea of a "perfect life" was 3 children. I never had an issue with that and we would have had 3 already but unfortunately she miscarried at 24 weeks. It was that we didn't try again right away so she could have 3 by the age of 40.

Also, we did have many of the same goals and I never wanted to have such financial problems(who does). I didn't change what we set out to do but we struggled as we became a one income household. My XW refused to go back to work after leaving a well paying job with full benefits.

I was always trying to please her by doing expensive projects we really couldn't afford. The pressure was mounting and we became very distant. SF was almost non-existent because I didn't initiate because I was embarrassed and ashamed over not being the provider I needed to be.

MMF

If your WW made you feel like this then be glad she's out of your life. Take back your power and focus on becoming who you want to be. Your kids want a happy, confident dad. By hanging on to the past and your WW's decisions is going to hold you back from moving forward. Your anger is the chain that is keeping you attached to her - break the chain and set yourself free - you'll be so much happier.