Roo,

The waiting is tough. You just have to give him time and space to sort out his feelings. He hasn't told you not to contact him so I think it would be ok to send him a short message every couple of days (email or text) to just let him know you are thinking about him and are there to talk whenever he is ready.

Like I said before, you did the right thing. You can live a life without lies now. H has the choice of whether or not you will remain in his life. Sounds like he has had it really rough with past women cheating on him as well. It will be a tough uphill battle. If there is any way that you can get him to come here to talk it out with other's BS's it could really help him.

Hang in there and stay strong. You are still maintaining NC right? You are in a vulnerable state right now so do not allow yourself to slip back into contact. That would be a nail in the coffin at this point.



Mindshare

For now I think I'll lay low for a day or so. I can't imagine what he's going through right now. He's always been a very quiet man...and I have always been hoping that he would open up to me. I'm still hoping for that.

I think that would help, too. He did allow me to bookmark the site and the Infidelity ( ) forum so perhaps he's reading. That would be something.

I am and I have my sister holding me accountable. My H didn't want my email or cell phone logins so I gave them to her. Two weeks today.

I am sad for saying this but the biggest vulnerability I feel right now is that I want to hurt MORE over this. It's self-depricating (sp?) and pathetic but since my H didn't call me a s**t or a w**re on D-day I say those things to myself, in my mind because I certainly acted that way for a long time. And what does it mean that he didn't say those things? Does it mean that he doesn't belive it? Does it mean that he didn't want to waste a breath saying it? I'm having a hard time with the lack of emotion from him when I shouldn't be because he is not an emotional person. That will be amongst the hardest thing for me to accept.

Give him time to catch his breath.....it will come. And when it does, be prepared. Right now, he's on his back with the wind knocked out of him.

My husband called me a w*ore, a f'ing horrible wife and an assortment of other very hurtful things shortly after d-day. It didn't make me feel any better. In fact, it fueled me to pull further away from him which hindered our recovery.

I hope that you are wrong and fear that you are right.

I can learn!

I had to run to Target at lunch and found myself wandering past the greeting cards. My neice and nephews love getting mail so I picked up St. Patrick's Day cards for them. As I began looking at the other card options I picked out 4 that I could send to my H. They weren't the mushy, romantic ones. Rather they were "Thinking of You" type. I paid, got out to my Jeep and went DUH!!!!! H doesn't like cards. I like cards! I can't try to meet any of his emotional needs by doing the things that I like. My heart was in the right place, just not my mind.

Living apart is hard now... I wish I could be there to hold his hand or do whatever it is he wants. And I'm not. And it's my fault for moving out. I don't know what I can do for him right now.

Does he know you'd like to move back in?

ST

I don't think I've told him, no.

Feeling low - don't say you weren't warned.

A girl I knew forever ago friended me on Facebook today. She's maybe 3-4 years younger than I am and is getting married. I knew her because she dated my brother-in-law back then. She is getting married in a little less than a month and, while catching up, asked me for any adivice for marriage. Whoa. What a trip, seeing what I'm going through now.

I told her the two things that have really, really gotten through my head since reading this site:

#1 - do not be the source of your spouse's pain

My H and I did not put the other first...ever, really. For each our own reasons we have always been very independent, possibly to a fault. We have not considered each other in any aspect of our lives. I wrote to her that it's hard to go from being independednt to taking into account someone other than yourself but that it's IMPERITIVE to a healthy marriage.

#2 - do things for your spouse that makes them happy. Note: you are not trying to BE their happiness. You do things that they like because you want them to have happy feelings. To smile. You do things for them to build them up as people. I wrote to her that she should do these things because a happy husband wants to make his wife happy and then she wants to make him happy and it's a fantastic circle that hopefully never ends.

She wrote back that it was food for thought. It's a start, huh?

That said...folks, I don't know what I want. I don't know. And it is bugging me something furious. Indecisive hasn't often been used to describe me and it's the strangest feeling. It extends past my relationship with my H and into nearly everything I think of. The OPPOSITE of the Midas Touch, it's the RooGirl7 is a Loon Touch.

And of course I still haven't heard from my H after asking him directly if he wants me to stop contacting him. Another day another question mark.

I think the Advil PM is kicking in. Gotta finish my beer, brush my teeth and get to bed.

He is probably disoriented right now and just needs time to think. It is a big decision.

The M is tainted but hopefully because of the courage you have shown in this you guys can hopefully R and make the M better than it was before.

I like the advice you offered your friend, RooGirl. I know I wish I knew about MB philosophies and policies long ago.

I'm sorry you were feeling low today. I hope Thursday is better for you. I've been thinking about your posts...

You're struggling with your confusion -- so much confusion on so many levels mixed with so many emotions. I understand. Among your thoughts I'm also hearing that you aren't sure about staying with your M.

If I may butt in here for a moment... What probably isn't helping you is the fact that you and your H haven't spent much together time in quite a few months.

That's why I want you to go for what you know first, before going for the unknown. Commit to the M. You have it now. You had committed to it before. See if it can be recovered while it's still in front of you.

I think your H needs to know you want to live with him again. I sense you're not 100% sure you want this, but what do you have to lose by doing so? You can't tell your H to let you move back in. Selfish demands are never appropriate and especially after you've admitted to doing something terribly selfish. But I think you need to be very clear with him that you want to try to recover your M and you want to share a home with him so you two can really try to make it. Let him know you want to try to save your relationship and among the steps to help with that is spending time together. Being in the same house makes this much easier.

Your H has not told you to stop contacting him. Not knowing the BS perspective, I may not offer the best advice. I think you should keep contacting him, but mix up the way you go about it. One day send an email telling him you're sorry and hope he's okay. Another day send a simple text stating that you're thinking of him. Another day leave a vmail about something he recently talked about -- that he was going to talk with his boss, he had a doctor's appointment, it's his cousin's birthday... Something to show you've remembered something that is important to him.

As is the mantra around here, remember it's a marathon and not a sprint. I know it's soooooo hard not knowing what he's thinking and wanting. But you don't have a choice. Patience is mandatory.

God bless.

Roo,

Glad to hear you are keeping up NC. Great job!! Being accountable to your sister is really good. Keep it up!

I agree with L4 and I think you should tell your H that you want to move back home and work on the M together. You are at a crossroads now. You cannot stay in limbo forever and neither can he. If you want to give the M a shot then make that clear to him and ask him if you can move home. You cannot make any progress at all living completely separate lives. He may not want you to move back but until you ask him about it you will never know.

Mindshare

That is exactly what I was getting at with my question. Get on and ask him if you can move back in with him. Give it a go. You're maintaining NC let him know now how serious you are.

ST

A few things have come to mind...

Backing up just a bit, you may want to prepare for something.

There are probably other reasons as well, why H wants to know who knows.

You H is likely replaying interactions he may have had with these close friends over the last few months. Those interactions will be viewed through a different lense and he may see things differently. He may treat these close friends very differently going forward. And if he decides he wants to attempt recovery, he may ask you to end your friendships with them, defining them as unsupportive of your M since they didn't reveal to him about the A.

Your H may also be embarrassed or angry to know others knew before he did.

You need to try to see this from his point of view about others knowing when he didn't. Talk with him about it when you get a chance -- even if through email.

That being said, are there any opportunities you can create to see your H this weekend? Is he a fan of college hoops or NASCAR? Could you call and ask him if you can go over and watch a game or a race with him?

Does he like home-cooked meals? Can you drop off a hot dinner for him with a note at his work even if you don't get to see him?

Could you leave a meal or favorite food item along with a note on his doorstep for when he returns home from work late at night? Or a favorite DVD? Or a bottle of his favorite beer?

Is there a material item that you own or have access to that reminds you both of a great shared memory? Could you take a picture of it with your phone and send it to him with a simple text saying, "Just saw this and am reminded of that [fill in the blank]. Thinking of you."

My point is to do something that shows you're thinking of him (thus things HE likes) without making it look like you're stalking him. In essence, you need to carry out a WW form of Plan A. No LBs, identifying and fulfilling ENs, and making yourself available for all questions and required acts of healing.

Consider if you're not on anti-Ds, checking with your doctor to learn if they might be right for you. I dismissed them for a couple of weeks post D-day but finally gave in, saw my doc, and regained a modicum of sanity.

Your close friends know about this. Are you able to talk with them? An IC? Pastor? Trusted family member? MB is fantastic, but I believe a person IRL who can be supportive yet objective is also critical -- someone you can call anytime and talk with, especially when your H is being distant like now.

I'm praying for you, Roo.

Great idea!

And if you do go to meet him, for dinner, for a day of watching TV or just for coffee some night, look your BEST. You don't need to be in an evening gown or a see thru night gown, but look good, smell good and let him see what he can have back if he wants it...

Don't over do it, just remind him that he was once attracted to you and why.

Mark

How are you holding up Roo?

Mindshare

H and I spoke last night pretty late. I was tired but wanted to call just to touch base. To my surprise he answered the phone. He said that he'd been reading some of the site and that it all seems "extreme," citing no contact for life, and the possibility of having to move. I don't know about having to move. Our home is an hour from the OM. If H wanted that, though, I would do it.

I did mention wanting to see him and he did not address it at all. I told him that I would come out late Sunday when he got off work and I would sleep on the floor or the couch if he would let me. I have Monday off work for a dentist appointment so I could be with him all of the morning and could come back after. I don't recall if he commented on that at all.

I didn't say exactly this when I talked to him yesterday. I need another round of courage, it seems.

He hasn't talked about this at all. It's something I wonder about, though, for sure.


H works all weekend (that darned 6 days, rotating). I did mention to him last night that I would like to come out to the house on Sunday night. Whether he'll let me or not is another story...

Thank you for your thoughts, L4.

(bolding mine)

Hi Mark,

He's working all weekend. If you're reading the other replies you know that I'm hoping to go out there on Sunday night. Maybe he'll let me stay and I can make him a fried egg sandwich for breakfast on Monday. I'm trying so hard not to get my hopes up...

As for the bolding. :big sigh: He doesn't know if he wants me back. When we talked last night he said a few times, "how could I ever trust you again?" I told him that here at MB there's a plan that we could try and he didn't say much to that except that he'd read a bit and that it all seemed "extreme." H and I are not religious (though we both grew up in faith-based homes) and I think that aspect of the plan intimidates us both a little. I'd like to talk to him more about it, though.

Tonight's not good. I'm lonely. Really, really lonely. All day at work I was barely holding myself together and then after work I had to put on a good face to three of my girl friends when we met for dinner. I'm back at my apartment now, and in my jammies so I feel safe to fall apart here. I think I should call my sister tonight, too.

One thing that struck me yesterday... I got home from work and realized that I miss coming home to someone. And I miss someone coming home to me. Its scary to be contemplating recovery when that wouldn't change. H loves his job - has said many times - and it's highly unlikely that he would even be given the opportuninty for a day shift (still rotating 6 on and 3 off) until 2012. How could this work?

Sorry. I'm feeling pretty low tonight.