What is you DS getting the detentions for?

Not getting a form signed for band. He's a pretty well-behaved kid, but this has been rough on him.
Not having WH around just makes simple things more complicated.

Okay, that was what I was going to warn you about. Hubby being gone is hard on him. But I thought maybe he was doing something bad at school, and was going to advise you to come down hard on him.

Sounds like he is a typical boy.

So hard to keep all the other balls in the air when you're busy reconstructing yourself from the inside out. Reminds me a line from "Gift From The Sea." (by Ann Morrow Lindbergh, who also dealt not only with her famous husband's infidelity, but a real booger of a WH also had a whole 'nother secret family with another woman in Europe!)

The line:
"What circus acts we women perform each day of our lives!"

Yeah.

DS11 will be ok. Because you handed his responsibility back to him. He can handle that. I know you're there for him, and your other kids too, to help deal with the senseless loss of their dad, too.

What more could you possibly do?

Lord knows you've earned the peace of knowing that.

Had a great dinner out with a girlfriend last night and it was so beautiful out!! Spring is really invigorating to me!

As much as I felt "blue" yesterday, it is helpful to just feel those feelings and move on. After WH picked up DS11 and DD4, I just sat outside and cried -- but only for a few minutes. It would have been much longer before. So, I took a deep breath, hugged my pug and got ready for my dinner out.

Today I received a message from WH from IM about numerous things, including him wanting DS11 and DD13 to fly out alone to Vegas to see his dad since WH will be out there for business. I simply said that I did not want them to. I don't feel comfortable with it for a lot of reasons. He wanted to let DD12 go last year and I said I was uncomfortable and he set it up anyway until his brother and mom stepped in (WH dad is a little odd and the kids don't really know him). I don't care if he gets mad about it -- I simply don't want my kids to fly 5 hours on their own.

The other part of his message was him offering to help with the yard, etc, and even though I could use the help I responded with "as soon as he ends contact/affair with OW" he is welcome to come home and help us with whatever he'd like. I can take care of everything on my own or with help from friends and family, and as much as part of me would like him around, I don't want him around while he chooses to have her in his life. Its simply too hurtful to me and I am trying to take care of myself -- not him.

His response was he doesn't understand why I would be concerned, but if so how about the kids miss two days of school, fly out with him and spend the days he is at the conference with his dad, whom they have only met about 10 times in their lives. I'm really struggling why this is an issue for me. I think part of it is the realization that he does not care what I think or feel -- that what he wants is what he wants to do. He said multiple times, these are just "ideas", but they sound more like plans that he wants me to rubber stamp. This is not a new pattern, but I'm more aware of it.

"The other part of his message was him offering to help with the yard, etc, and even though I could use the help I responded with "as soon as he ends contact/affair with OW" he is welcome to come home and help us with whatever he'd like. I can take care of everything on my own or with help from friends and family, and as much as part of me would like him around, I don't want him around while he chooses to have her in his life. Its simply too hurtful to me and I am trying to take care of myself -- not him." He did not respond to this part of the message at all.

On another note, DS11 and I went to the counseling appointment last night and it was really wonderful. He's even looking forward to going back! The counselor said something that I have hung on to all day -- that we as a family (me and the kids) have a lot of love for each other -- even when we have conflict. That was really validating! to me!

BF,

I think that if your WH is now offering to fly with the kids then you really should not stand in the way. You have every right to be concerned about the kids flying alone but your WH is offering an alternative to address that concern. I don't know anything about your WH's father but if he is not abusive or a bad influence on the kids lives then they should have the opportunity to see him. I think I would leave the decision up to the children. Ask them if it is something that they want to do. Otherwise, if you just make the decision then you are going to start looking like the controlling x. And, sooner or later that might come back to bite you when your children start asking how you come you kept them from their grandfather. Take some time and think this one through. No need to make a quick decision. But, I really think you should leave it up to the children to decide.

Just my .02 cents.....

Mindshare

Thanks, mindshare, I think that is where I am leaning. Their grandfather is a little odd, but I think with the two of them together, I think they'll be fine.
I'll present it to them tonight.

Oh, bf, you're doing SO good! Just "feeling those feelings and moving on." That's the goal that we all struggle with, whether we're working toward marital recovery or personal recovery. That is a triumph, girl, and you've worked long and hard for it. Relish it.

But even bigger is your conviction that you "don't want him around while he chooses to have her in his life," even when he tempts you.

Same message you've been giving him for months now! Can't blame him for trying, I guess. He's wanted BOTH of you in his life all along, but I applaud your insistence that there is room for only ONE WOMAN in his life as long as he's married to you, and if you will not negotiate that. Nope.

Your absolute refusal to let him cake eat, from a position of conviction and strength and godly righteousness, is inspiring. What healthy self-esteem!

You go, girl!

RHW

PS: FWIW, I agree with mindshare on the kids going to Vegas on the same plane as Dad. Presumably, they will return on the same flight he does? Grandpa may be "odd," but it would still be good for them to at least know who he is. You know, part of their family history that may matter a lot to them once they're grown.

So, it is still "cake-eating" when he says he's "just talking to her" and doesn't try to see me, just "help out around the house?"

He still insists that he is going to divorce me and its not about her (per last conversation 2/14 -- I don't talk to him.) and I think I just believe him on some level since he doesn't seem repentent at all.

IDK, some of this gets easier, but then the longer this goes on the more I get confused about what to do. When that happens, I just try to get through the day. I used to be a planner, but I don't do that anymore (except in the garden), so this living in the moment stuff is hard!!!

Posts from others mean so much to me, even if I don't have a big-deal issue on the table. It is awfully quiet here in B!

BTW, I did forward a message to him that I was comfortable as long as one of us flew with them (in this case, him) and that I would share the second option with the kids tonight and have them contact him. His dad is a little more than "odd," tho and he wanted just DD13 to come last year and my alarms went off all over the place. WH still scheduled the trip (against my request) and did not cancel it until his brother stepped in and was like, "dude, she doesn't know him, there are some issues there -- don't send your daughter out there alone." With WH there and DS11 I'm more comfortable, but not completely.

What are you planning in your garden? We've already got the wildflowers going all over town, my favorite time of year. Do you have designated wildflower areas where you live?

Oohh, garden talk!!

I have two raised beds that I have numerous herbs in -- some I have to replant every year and some are perennials. I plant lots of veggies and rotate the crops -- I'll be putting in spinach very soon.
The rest of my gardening are lots of perinnial beds around the house -- sort of a cottage garden feel. I fill in the "blank" spaces with hardy flowers from seeds (nasturtiums, cosmos, etc) to accomodate the various growth rates of my perennials. I don't like to water unless its dire, so my plants are pretty hardy.

I've only had snow-drops come up so far, but it won't be long before the rest are popping out!

Do you garden as well?

Yeah.

I so wish we could do bulbs. The only ones that really do any good this far south are day lilies.

I just do landscape gardening. I've been moving a lot of things around this year, to consolidate certain types in areas, for more of an impact.

I have the cottage look too, but it's because I was so broke when I moved here that the only way I could afford plants was to get the castoffs at Lowes in the fall. They'd sell an entire rolling cart (5 levels tall) full of miscellaneous plants for $5. So I've got quite a mishmash.

I bought some wildflower and cilantro seeds, but that's about the extent of the seeds. I think I did buy some cosmo seeds - I love those! They don't grow that well here, but I still love them.

Yeah, sometimes we can't grow what we'd like, but I'm jealous that you are in the south! Here in the midwest, we get spring early enough and then winter whacks us on the fanny!!

So trying to take care of financial issues and it triggered for me one of the longest crying jags I've had in awhile.

Every communication re: these issues from WH seems to reinforce that he is seperating what is his from what is mine (not in a lop-sided, screw-you over kind of way) just in terms of we are no longer married.

I feel certain that when he cashes out his 401K (to pay off debt and taxes) that he will use some of it to file D papers on me -- just to finally prove to me that he means it.

It just makes me so sad to be here, to have lost my best friend, to realize how little he cared about me all those years, to think about him protecting that woman and her feelings while he systematically destroys me and the kids.

Yesterday, my 4 year old was upset that her 6 year old friend did not want to be her friend and she said, "it's like my heart is broke in two" and "its like I'm all alone in the jungle." My heart just broke for her. I'm proud that she can describe her feelings, but it kills me that she feels things so intensely.

There are days I just hate him for what he did, what he does and how he justifies it and how he's 'moved on' when there are days I feel like I can't breathe. Why should he get to heal faster than I? Do I need to be divorced before I can heal at all?

Cashing out his 401K is a big mistake, but you probably already know that.

Sounds like your daughter is very smart.

A mistake for him or me or both? I feel like I'm in the dark here!

BF,

Cashing out the 401k is a big mistake for both of you. It should only be an absolutely last resort. You will pay penalties for early withdrawal and on top of that you are stealing from your retirement! That 401k is half yours too! I don't know about you but I'm not counting on Uncle Sam to have much left in the Social Security funds by the time I retire. We are all best to plan for our own retirement as if we will get nothing from the government because that just might be what happens. Never....NEVER cash out a 401k early unless it is an absolute emergency and you have no other way.

Mindshare

Thanks, mindshare! We are not in a great financial situation, but I don't know if it's an emergency. Also, with being in plan B it's hard to know what I can do. My retirement is through an educators retirement so it's a little different.
I have no lawyer, yet, nor any legal separation papers. Any suggestions?

I've spent the last 6 months trying to understand infidelity-- I don't think I spent enough time understanding divorce.

Any advice would be appreciated since that seems to be where I'm headed.

Spend the weekend looking up lawyers in your area, reading online reviews of them, and choosing your top 3 choices. Monday morning, call all 3 of them and arrange appointments for this week.