Well, H has now gone off to work and I think having read my post and your posts he will do it.

He didn't want to do it because he is concerned we don't have any eveidence. We have now found 1 email that I didn't destroy - our phone records show me phoning and messaging OM, but he is on a pay as you go deal so has no bill. I used to make calls to him when I was available and he would ring me back to save running up my phone bill. OM does have his home bill though which if he gets it itemised will show plenty of evidence - she never looks at the phone bill ( never ever ever.)

My H is concerned at OMs anger at us telling her and that OM will of course blame me, he wants to protect us from that; but also knows that OMW needs to know

My H's hurt is becoming more and more real to me with this process. This is making me sad. I just can't believe that I was so so stupid and selfish and blind!! Every time I think of OM I just shake my head, no sadness or grief for losing that relationship anymore.

ST

ST, you have the BEST evidence possible: your admission. So don't even worry about that.

And yes, the OM will be angry and he will probably blame you. That is an expectation. But that is ok.

You are doing great, st, and your heart is in the right place. Will your H work on recovery with you? How is he doing?

Dear ML

HE's brill.

We had a bad day a few days ago but we have ironed that out and talked about it.

I have asked him how he feels and I have said that I expected more emotion from him. And although hurt he seems relieved that I have fessed up as he always knew and had been angry about it for so long anyway.

He is very keen to keep us going - it seems a little like a honeymoon period at the mo and I am slightly worried that it is all too good to be true.

Just as he was going tonight - I told him that the A had been slightly physical - he knew we had kissed, but I told him the rest - that we had touched and that our emails were more than flirty. He just smiled ( a real smile )and said he knew. We had a huge hug before he left and we seemed totally together. He has since sent me a sweet email telling me that he will phone me and OMW about 8pm. He is taking it all mighty well, he was frustratedby me trying to push him to thinking of us exclusively but I have stopped that and I have looked at myself and just concerning myself with his needs.
Although of course he has every reason not to be cool and calm and happy (i'm quite sure he would say he is happy) but I am still sort of awaiting an explosion - I'm not scared anymore though.

How do you think he is doing?


ST

eeeeeekkkk

As I type H is at work phoning OMW. Please let her answer, please let her listen

AAAAGGHHHHHHHHH

H just tried OMW but OM recognised H's voice. OM now keeps ringing me - I'm not picking up.

What do we do??

I wouldn't advise driving to OM's house, as OM knows something is up and might become violent towards your BH if your BH shows up.

Can your H call OMW when OM is at work? It sounds like OM works short hours, but it's worth a chance.

Does OMW work? Could he phone her there and request a face-to-face meeting in a public place (so she'll feel safe)? Maybe meet at lunch and if she needs to she can take the afternoon off sick from "something she ate".

You could see if it's possible to send a written letter to OMW where she *personally* has to sign for it, but honestly I think that a spouse's signature is acceptable for this so it may not work. Worth checking on, though.

Did your H ask to speak to OMW when he phoned and OM answered? Sometimes the simplest approach is the best.

Good job on not picking up - remember to tell your H that OM kept ringing and ringing. Your H needs to know you're not afraid to talk to him about attempted contact. It will make him feel TONS better that you come to HIM with this info. And kudos to your H for getting up the nerve to inform OMW about this.

I'm pretty certain OM is there when the postie gets there - and he will try tomake sure of it now he's on the look out for H.

H did ask for OMW - he tried phoning twice and just asked very simply both times to talk to her - first time he just got a lot of who is this to which he replied "a friend of hers" ( we have been to their house for parties). The second time OM just hung up.

OM continued to ring me and sent about 5 sms asking what was going on - I was on the phone to H for most of them and told him about them as they came in.

H then sent om an sms saying "I think your W should know about yours and my W's affair. Have you told her? My w will not respond to any communication from you." OM stopped after that.

OMW works many many hours more than OM. She is never alone at home apart from the odd 10 min dog walk at the weekend. We are debating whether it is fair to ring her at work - thinking of leaving it 'til near the end of her working day????? I'm not sure H will go for the lunch thing

Thank you

ST

Pity. OM is likely going to spin a fantastic story to OMW about these two "crazy people" that are trying to taint his name and destroy his family with lies. It's also possible that he might give the OMW a watered-down version of the A, to mislead her about what really happened.

Call her at work - the less time OM has to concoct a story, the better.

Hang tough, ST! Bravo to your H for texting the OM. What a scum the OM is! I agree with MIM that time is of the essence. The OM will try hard to spin the story now.

H tried to ring her at work earlier than she usually leaves but she had already gone. Have another plan underway. Let's hope it does the job

Thanks everyone
ST

Well, we did it. Sent a letter to OMW at work. DH got a slightly heated phone call from OM that afternoon, trying to tell him things that he thought might cause a problem ( of course I had been totally honest and so nothing came as a surprise to DH). OM has since tried being very nice to my sis - displaying sorrow and humour at the situation - I think he still thinks I'll be back !!! Wow, is he so wrong!!!! I see him totally differently now. Sis is never going to enter into conversation about him with me again.

Have heard nothing form OMW despite DH offering contact -hope she is ok.

We are moving on and it feels good to have that paragraph closed - I say paragraph I'm hoping it is the whole chapter and that we don't hear anymore unless OMW needs to discuss anything.


Thank you all

ST and DH

Ok,

So we heard nothing form OMW after she was informed.


My sis is in a concert with FOM at the end of the month (which I should have been in too). Because our mum will be recovering from surgery then she will not be able to support my sis or babysit so that her H can go.

My sis tells me of all occasions when FOM is a jerk and repeatedly asks "what on earth were you doing?" - it's all good therapy.

FOM asked my sis this week whether I was going to the concert, he wanted her to know that I shouldn't cos FOMW would be there. She didn't reply. (knowing that I wouldn't, despite my guilt for letting her down and because I knew she wouldn't have any family there.)

DD has always come to our concerts and wants to go to this one, DH would like to take her and support his SIL.

FOM hates me for persuading DH to contact OMW and telling her. THis week he gave my sis some put downs and then sent her text to apologise and build her up (so manipulative - exactly how he got under my skin). Of course she has learnt form my mistakes.

Would it be wrong for DH to go to concert? He would not in any way disrupt anything, just mind his own business, taking DD out (bond with her on a special late night), whilst providing support for me and mum by supporting sis.

ST

Why is sis and OM not able to have NC? If she knows he's a man of low morals.

They'll lose a whole section of the band!

She avoids contact but does the minimum to be polite.


Do you think DH should go?

ST

Hi st,

I'm a bit surprised that FOM is still participating in this activity. I should have thought that his wife would want it to stop. His stopping would, of course, make it much easier for you to support your sister.

I suppose that his wife really got the letter? I know it seems hard to see how her H could have intercepted it at her workplace, but it seems odd that you hear from him (via your sister) and yet your H never heard from her.

On DH going: I wouldn't have wanted to go, as the BS, but I'm not sure that you should tell your H not to go. However, his going does keep a form of contact alive.

Since the goal is to put FOM out of your mind and thoughts altogether over time, I cannot see this being done while the link through the band remains.

You're doing so well, rapidly seeing him as the immoral man that he still seems to be. I'm glad your feelings of missing him seem to have vanished as daylight is shed. It would be a shame for you to be stuck with this quasi-contact because he is still in the band.

Yep, we know his wife got the letter. OM phoned DH the day she received it.

Actually, now you've got me thinking. DH posted it to her at work, double enveloped it with a brief note on the outside along the lines of:

"please read this when you are alone, pref away form work", and signed it so that she knew who it was from.

If she hadn't opened the second envelope but passed it to OM first, she might not be aware of the contents.

I should think that that is unlikely though, wouldn't you? Mind you my sis thinks he is exceptionally controlling. We are both concerned about her.

Unfortunately I can not stop him from playing in the band. With the major LBing that has been going on here this last week; I can't deny that OMs company hasn't crossed my mind - but there is not a chance I would ever go looking for it. I can safely say that I will never go back there and actually whilst the quasi contact is there it makes me put more in to my M and helps me with those boundaries and EPs that I need to apply all over the place now.

ST

ST, I would ask your sister to never speak of him to you again. There should be no discussions about the OM if you are to withdraw and move on. What happens in the OM's family has nothing to do with you and should NEVER come up again. All of this talk of him is dangerous and just keeps you triggered.

It is up to YOU to stop her from - or anyone else - from yapping about him. I would tell her that you don't want to hear about him ever again.

Staying focused on good things, such as your marriage and its recovery, is the way to recovery.

AGREE!!!

ST, I read you say that you feel hearing negative things about OM helps you, but IT DOES NOT...Hearing that stuff is still nothing more than a FIX of the affair drug...It will keep you stuck in it...

Mrs. W

If the sister has to have some contact with the OM and he is concerned about your husband being there, then have her say yes they both will be there and DH wants to make sure his wife got the letter and see if she has any questions. This is only to rattle his cage. Why should he be able to go on with his life and have his family go to his concerts but not yours??? Just my opinion!!!

Yes, but that's my point, st. You only have HIS word that she received it.

Sending a letter carries the risk that the addressee does not receive it. I sent an email, having found OM's address on a web page he created for a hobby group he belonged to. I also had a workplace email address (from Google) that I did not want to use in case his colleagues could access his account (my H's colleagues were authorised to access his account when he was abroad, so I knew that this was possible in some occupations).

He did not trust that I was who I said I was at first, which made me wonder about whether the person replying to my emails was actually him, but we clarified enough between us to realise that no-one was pretending.

I'm just suspicious that she did not want to ask even one thing of your H. It could be because her H told her not to speak to him, of course, but...I'm suspicious.