Seriously, try the blowdryer. Turn it on on cool setting, set it down, and watch as she falls asleep. The noise will cover up any of your noise as you move away.

IT WORKS!

have you looked into attachment parenting or Dr. Sears? SCAP is a great yahoo group - slightly crunchy attachment parenting....they can help you. I've been a member for a very long time. I'm inactive on yahoo but still chat with ladies via facebook. I highly recommend getting a parenting support group online some where - anywhere. some can be a bit, um, militant like with any forum, but they're there to help.

Hope you will post some pictures on the MB album.

I was wondering if there was a place to post pics. I would like to post one...have to get H to send me the one of me and Shelby.

Here's a link. Password is the last name of the owners of this site. First letter capitalized.

MB photo album by Faith1

Faith has a thread on here on how to contact her to get your pic uploaded. I'll look for it.

Here's the thread with contact info.

MB photo album thread

Things are getting easier. I took your advice and tried to find some white noise to sooth her. Found out running water works, but in an effort to not waste water im forgoing that idea. Instead I found that running the hood on my stove works just as good.

Another piece of good news, today must have been my lucky day. I found 2 4-leaf and 2 5-leaf clovers in my front yard. Just looked down and there they were. At my dr apt today, my incision is looking good and the infection is all cleared up. AND H gave me a compliment today. Something he hasnt done in a long time.

Im not looking at this all like things are going to work out, but at least I had a really good day.

What about getting one of those small water fountains, find the loudest one and run it when you need to. I think it just recycles it's own water.

I'm glad you had so much luck today. Things happen in 3's.

How are you and babe doing? MIL still helping out?

We are doing fine. H has been sick and staying away so she doesnt get what he has. MIL has the same thing so im kinda by myself, but im still sane

H and I had a texting conversation last night and it seems he may be coming to his senses. About 2 weeks before the baby was born he decided he wanted a D. Now he is telling me he has been dreaming about me every night since she was born and is confused. Said he's not sure what will happen.

I know not to take this and think everything is better already, but he is starting to come back to his senses. He apologized for being so distant with me. He told me he does want us to be a family and wants to feel the love for me again like he used to.
Im not 100% sure but it seems contact with his "friend" hasnt been as much lately.

I am going to continue doing what im doing. I had decided to give this a few weeks after the birth to see how he acted. Things are much better than I thought they were going to be. I just keep taking this one day at a time and enjoying being a mom.

psc_77, try a fan of some sort- we have a stand fan in our ds's room and have had since birth (he's not quite 1). A plus, it is supposed to decrease the chance of SIDS by about 75% because it circulates the air. The white noise is excellent!!! Plus, it's movable, unlike the fan on your stove, lol.

PSC,

Just keep on keepin on. Plan A.

Make home a pleasant place. Be the best mom you can be. Seeing you dealing well with Shelby probably impresses him and fills a need he didn't even know he had. So keep calm and keep it together. You really are doing good!!!

So H and I had another good talk about things he wants. He said again he wants to come home and be a family and have the love for me he once had. He said "I just want to do right by Shelby and honestly I want us to be a family...But I dont know if I can do it".

I told him about the things I have read here and the books I ordered. I also told him that if he wants all that it is possible if we BOTH work on our M.

His response was "Honestly if I knew you'd never do it again I could try right now". He wants to try but is scared of what might happen down the road. I feel like he might be doing all this b/c of the "what if" factor. I know the future is what you make of it and nothing is set in stone until it is done. I have tried to tell him that, but he is a bit too scared I think.

Another thing he is worried about is that he thinks I have "moved on" or I am in the process of it. Funny thing is that is what he wanted me to do in the first place. He hated it when I was crying or emotional and now he is upset that im not. I am so confused right now as to what to do.

How should I approach things with him? I have SAA that I read and think it would offer alot of good info for him. Im just not sure he will read it yet. The offer is there for him to read it if he wants. Is there anything I can do to help him? I am not changing what I am doing...im still acting the same, showing him that I still care and love him and that I am O&H.

Any advice on the next step for us would be appreciated.

pcs,

This sounds great, WH misses you and Shelby. His morals sound like they are feathering through.

Have him come home asap. You can't fill his lovebank if he is not at home.

Ignore what he says about not being sure, blah blah, blah.

Do the best Plan A possible. Keep telling him that both you and Shelby need him in your lives, and that having a great M and family is possible with work.

What is the situation with NC/C?

I'm falling asleep, sorry, this is all I have to offer right now.

I have told him he is welcome home at any time. He does stay here but still sleeps on the couch. As far as NC goes, he wont admit to anything going on so he sees nothing wrong with what is happening. I do want to address this issue though. He said to me that I cant have any guy friends if we do get back together, and this doesnt bother me. I want to have him agree to the same thing (with females though, lol). Something for us to discuss.

I am still doing what I can to make our home an inviting place. My time is limited though with the baby, but I am doing the best I can.

psc,

It's a good thing that he sees you strong and "moving on". You should keep doing exactly what you are doing. This is the new you. Keep the good changes coming.



This is where MB policies come into play(protection, joint agreement). Read up on those if you haven't in awhile. They are critical in a good M.

You two can have friends but friends together, not alone. Meaning there's no private conversations with members of the opposite sex and you should never be alone with members of the opposite sex. You have friends of the M. You both have showed weakness and a vulnerablilty, so protect that vulnerability.

Some on this site have created a list of Extraordinary Precautions to protect their S form their poor behavior and boundaries. If you haven't seen the thread or read about EPs before, read up on them and make your own list that you could actually hand over to your WH. If you need an example, you could read the EPs that TST(a FWH) wrote up. If you need a link I'm sure I could get it.

Keep plan Aing him. No LBs.

You are strong and you can make it on your own if you have to. Know that.

Good job.

So my daughter hasnt been gaining weight like she should be. We have gone to the dr 3 times in the past week and a half checking her weight and have another apt the end of this week. I saw a lactation nurse last week to try to see if there was anything else I could do since im trying to breastfeed. The plan we came up with was to feed her, then feed her a bottle of pumped milk. I feel like a human bottle atm and she still isnt gaining weight.

At her apt today the dr could tell im exhausted and need some time to myself. She suggested formula in the bottle and still breastfeed first. She suggested H feed her the bottle when possible and asked if we had family in the area to relieve me for a few hours during the day. I could tell H got upset b/c he knows he isnt helping me a whole lot.

When we got home I started crying and he asked me what was wrong. I told him I was stressed out. He said he knows it hard right now, but really didnt offer much advice or input. He said he comes over when he can, I said i need more than just 2 hrs a day. He didnt like that. Before he left he made a snide comment about how long he was here today (actually spent the night).

Now i just got a text message about how much he loves her and how cute it was when she took a nap next to him. He was all happy like nothing happened.

We have had a few text message discussions about us and he has been giving me a hug/kiss whenever he comes to the house. And he has said "I love you" a few times lately too. I know he is confused right now, but im getting stressed out more and more. I try not to let it show too much, but sometimes I cant help it. I hope after today that he realizes what is going on.

I want to make him feel welcome here at the house, I dont want to push him away. I have told him he is welcome back at anytime. He actually thanked me for that. I guess I just feel like there is hope, but its not fast enough. I know I can only do so much and its not going to be a quick comeback, but I can hope.

You are doing a good job. So don't worry about that. Hubby knows he can come home, and most likely will, because most do.

I'm a big believer in breast feeding. I nursed both of my sons for 3 years. Be sure you are drinking a lot of water, milk and juice. Sometimes that makes a difference.

However I wasn't going through what you are now, so best advice is breastfeeding, and then pumped milk or formula. As long as she is getting some breastfeeding, it is very good for her. If you decide to give her formula, then she may get off the breast. But whatever makes her gain weight is the best choice.

So sorry you are going through all this. This should be a time where you relax and enjoy your baby girl.

H and I had another talk today. He still isnt sure he wants to stay in the M. he isnt sure working on it will change his feelings. He says he feels nothing inside, that he is empty of all emotions. I have SAA and showed him that it can help him to understand what happened and bring some insight to what we can do to recover, but he is still unwilling to take any help. He feels like his feelings have to come back first then we can think about working on our M.

After we had this talk he went by his parents house and he and his mom had a big blow out. He says she all but accused him of having an affair. He said his parents and his relationship is over now b/c they dont approve of what he is doing and dont want to listen to him. He called me yelling about it and said he was done.

He told me he wasnt thinking about if our M would be ok, but that if he wanted to try to work on us. Now he says he doesnt think we can ever work it out and that it will never be right.

I know he is just angry right now, but it hurts so bad. I feel like all this mess is my fault b/c of what I did in my A and that we wouldnt be where we are right now if I hadnt have done it. I told him that and that I feel guilty about what I did every day, especially when I look at my daughter. I see what we could have had and know that it might not happen.

He always tells me I have no idea how bad I have hurt him, I do know though. I see how he was and know how I feel now about what happened. I may not know exactly the same emotions he felt, but I know how bad it was. I dont think he understands how badly I feel about what I did and how hurt I am now knowing I caused us to split.

H said he is moving out completely from his parents house and that he cant stay here either. That contradicts what he told me earlier this week. I just dont know what to think. He also told me that after this weekend he will be spending alot more time here with his daughter. I just really am confused.

He told me not to wait on him and to start getting on with my life. I want him though and cant imagine being with anyone else. I want to think that him being here more will help, but I see him back and forth so much I have no idea.

Do I still have any hope left for my M to recover or does it sound like H is completely done?

psc,

May I make a few recommendations? Thank you. One, put your baby on formula. If you can breast feed some do it, but formula is where your baby needs to be. Let me tell you why.

Let your H be the one to feed the child, let him hold the child, feed and burp, clean up. It will help you get some rest, it will also start to bond him to the child. Men don't bond to children until they are born and the more they hold them, feed them, and spend time with them the more the bond is built. Changing diapers is NOT A BONDING EXPERIENCE. Feeding a child is especially as an infant.

You cannot educate your H, but leave SAA out. Tell him he doesn't have to seek counseling, he can learn what he needs in books, but it is up to him.

You are right he is messed up, confused, and more than anything not sure of himself and what he means to anyone. Hence other women, hence the blow ups, hence not being sure of you. He cannot be sure of you until he is sure of himself. What might ground him??? Why your child of course. It is not the childs job to keep your family together or functioning. But, feeding a baby is an experience that strikes people on many levels and lets you know that if nothing else you are useful for something.

Let your H help with the baby. In the long run all will be better.

God Bless,

JL

((((((psc))))))

I know this is hard. This is the drama I mentioned early on. It's not good for you or for Shelby. It's going to cause you great stress on a daily basis and you've got enough on your plate right now. Can you see it? Every day he says something different and every day you react to it. You can't help but to react, but do you see the harm it causes you?

All you can do is continue in Plan A until you decide to go to Plan B. You can't change his mind no matter what you say so you have to continue on. That makes sense, right? Try not to react to his indecision on a daily basis. That's the WS script. He's following it pretty well. Right now he's angry and he's lashing out at you. You can't take it to heart. You've seen first hand how quickly his mood changes. It's going to change again so continue what you're doing.

And please...start to think about plan B. Your sanity is at risk.