Good points for me to remember, LG.

This marathon is the toughest one I've ever run. There are times where I feel like I'm looking back over my shoulder and seeing my husband just standing there. I'm not sure that he will start his own thread or not. He just isn't that enthused about it but that's ok. As long as he continues to read with me and go to MC.

I've been putting "check points" in place for him so that he knows where I am and who I am with at all times. Same thing with the cell phone. I don't constantly offer it to him, but rather leave the option there for him if he wants to check. I still save receipts and always have a girlfriend with me when I go on business lunches. Otherwise, he or the kids are with me or I stay in contact with him. Thurs. & Fri. I took off last week to paint the kitchen and was home alone all day. He doesn't work far and could drop in on me at any time. He has mixed feelings about me being that transparent with him. It makes him angry with me when I offer when I sense that he's feeling insecure.

I printed out all of the questionnaires for us to fill out (our printer at home is broken so I did it at work). I see that they're the same as at the end of the book. Not sure if we should fill them out now or wait until after we've finished reading.

I have only heard from L4 a couple of times and it seems like she is "ok". As her friend and out of respect for her and her marriage, I have stepped back and only check in to make sure she's doing well. I am far too early in this process and don't want to complicate things on her end with my drama. She's been a wealth of help to Spartan and I, but it is more important for me to see that her marriage succeeds. She's a pretty awesome person.

It's official......he lost the wedding ring I bought him last year. He had been asking for a new one because the other one was too small and he didn't really like it. I got him one that was made out of tungsten steel with a carbon fiber inlay. I picked these materials because he uses them in his line of work (he's an auto tech) and I knew he would love it.

He did and now it's gone.

Sparky...

You have mail...At both addresses...wasn't sure which one to use at this time, so I just sent the same message to both accounts...

Mrs. W

Just saying hi. I'm sorry for the loss of the ring and your kitty. Remember to lean on Spartan, especially when things are hard.

Thank you for your kindness and respect. You're a pretty awesome person too.

You and your family continue to be in my prayers. Take care.

We found Spartan's ring under the computer tower so that was a relief. Forgot to post that on Monday!

Things are up and down at home. The loss of Cairo really hit us hard. We pull close and then I pull away. Grief does funny things to you.

I got tickets for all of us to see Monsters vs. Aliens tonight. We're actually looking forward to it. It will get us away from the house for a bit and focused on a little necessary nonsense.

The book has been a slow read for us but now that the weekend is here, I think we'll get more done. Supposed to be gorgeous out so it might be beach time with the book and Boogie boards.

For all the prayer warriors here, we're requesting them to help us in our fight to become a solid "one". It's gonna be a steep haul to reach the summit, but I think we're both becoming emotionally "athletic".

This has been a pretty ugly week for The Double S team between the loss of our cat and then a major deal last night.

To make a long story short, I had a coworker/girlfriend over last night for dinner and we were all just trying to relax, having Margaritas and keeping things light. My girlfriend drank waaaaay too much and started saying some very sideways remarks. One of which was, "You know, your a$$ is getting pretty big, girlfriend. You need to watch it." She said this in all seriousness as I was washing dishes with Spartan standing right there. Neither one of us could believe she said it!

This hit an EXTREMELY raw nerve with me because I HAVE gained weight and have canceled my gym membership because Spartan wasn't comfortable with me in that environment. We're waiting for our tax return to get some used equipment to put in the garage, however in the meantime I have been eating to fill my depression. Back to what I was saying. I felt so much hurt and anger welling up inside of me and I lashed out at Spartan saying something extremely hurtful to him. That was a TOTAL LB and I regretted saying it as soon as it left my lips. I did apologize to him that evening and he accepted my apology. All of that anger had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me because I am having huge self esteem issues. It was completely cruel and inappropriate for me to have taken it out on him or for even blaming him for not being able to go to the gym any longer. It's my fault for all of that. I am ABUSING myself and letting MYSELF go dysfunctionally justifying it by saying, "he didn't like the shape I was in when I lifted because it made him feel insecure, so now I'll just let myself go so no one looks at me."

This morning, we filled out our EN's questionnaire's and naturally found that we're on two completely opposite sides of the spectrum.

His top 5 EN's are:

1. Affection
2. Sexual Fulfillment
3. Conversation
4. Honesty & Openness
5. An Attractive Spouse

My top 5 EN's are:

1. Family Commitment
2. Conversation
3. Recreational Companionship
4. Affection
5. Sexual Fulfillment

Now that those are out on the table, we have something to work with. Wherease before, we would just issue blanket statements about what we needed.

He and I talked for quite a bit today about this list and I asked him if he was willing as my husband to put my needs before his. He said that he thought he already had. And then I asked him more specifically if he were willing to put my top 5 EN's ahead of his and I would do the same. So affection isn't my thing, but if it's profoundly important to him, I need to do everything I can to meet that need. If I'm not doing it the way that he likes it, I will ask him what he likes.

This change is going to be both foreign to us but paramount to the success of our marriage. We haven't truly loved each other for the majority of our marriage. Since we are new Christians, the adversary has been throwing as much as he can in our way to stop us, and regretfully we've fallen into many of those traps.

The best part of our marriage was the first two years.....the rest has been completely unfulfilling for both of us.

We need as much help and advice as we can get. We don't have the money to go to an MB weekend so we're reading the books, going to MC and I come here to post. He doesn't post but does read.

I have stopped taking my Lexapro on my own accord in hopes that my sex drive improves. I know my OCD behaviors and intrusive images will return but I want to do all I can to fulfill his top needs.

I could have done without this week in my life.

My girlfriend did call me today to apologize and I accepted her apology. I just don't think I'll be spending much time outside of work with her though.

I'm glad you are working with the EN questionaire.

I would challenge you and your H to read HNHN all the way through to get a better understanding of each EN.

I would expect Admiration to be either your #1 or #2 top EN. Especially when you evaluate how hurt you were over last nights comments from your girlfriend. Also taking into account conversations you've had with Mrs. W. on this thread.

tst....I was hoping you would reply. I think that you and SMB might be a wealth of help for us since our situations are similar.

We're still in the process of reading the book.

I understand why I didn't place admiration on my list of top EN's. The reason why is that when he does provide admiration, it isn't done the way that I like it and so I gave up trying to show him. Just as I kept showing him affection by offering him a wonderfully clean house to come home to. That is something that I would have appreciated....not him.

We've never truly known what each other's EN's are. Both of us have independent behaviors that enabled us to grow apart and lose the marriage.

I wonder if we really even know who each other is? We know certain intimacies about each other but not enough to have that sacred connection that you see in some couples. I've always admired them....longed for what they had but had absolutely no clue on how to get it.

MB is not about him putting your needs ahead of his or vice versa. That's called sacrificing, and Dr. Harley says neither spouse should sacrifice or consider the other's needs more important than their own. The goal is to meet each other's needs and to dedicate at least 15 scheduled hours per week to do so.

Whether he met this need as you like or not is irrelevant. You are suppose to fill out the EN questionnaire based soley on what your TOP EMOTIONAL NEEDS are. After this is done, you two will learn HOW to meet your spouse's top ENs in the way that HE or SHE likes them met. But if you are not open and honest now about what your top ENs are, you cannot expect your H to ever be able to meet your top needs and you are right back to where you were when your affair began.

Maybe I told you this already, but you should read the book first then go back and answer the questions.

That's where the learning curve comes in. We've either gone all or nothing. During the pre-A days, I did everything for him, the kids and the house and absolutely nothing for myself. I was thin, gaunt and complacent to be there because at that time, I was taught that that's what marriage was about; serving your man. After 13 years of it, I went the other direction and COMPLETELY did everything for my own enjoyment and fulfillment no matter what the cost. I justified it by telling myself that I had given him the best years of my life and that now it was MY turn. Very very grave, selfish, cruel mistake. Not just to him, but also to the kids. I withheld SF as a punishment because after spending all day working, cooking, cleaning, caring for the kids, cleaning house on my days off etc. I didn't want to give any more of myself. Domestic support has never been one of my husband's priorities. I missed that one when I wrote the list this morning. If I could amend my needs, DS would be #2 and SF would drop off of the list.

That is so true.

I can feel myself headed down to a very deep depression. Very difficult to get out of bed in the mornings, I don't want to eat any more and I feel like crying for no apparent reason. I should probably call my Dr. but at the same time, I'm tired of taking drugs to make myself happy. That's partially why I stopped taking the Lexapro.

Read through a few chapters of HNHN's and also brought it to work with me. I'm going to read more at lunch if I don't go to the animal shelter. I don't know what I'm doing actually.

Don't have much, but have a hug for you:

(((Sparkle)))

Keep an eye out on closeouts for your gym equipment.

I got a KILLER tread machine that was the floor model and paid less than half for it.

Working out will help with the depression - and make sure you're getting all your vitamins. Not taking vitamins or taking less than a daily allowance of your vits will bring you down, down.

If you are taking your vits, make sure it's the full daily allowance. Many of the suppliments are only a fraction of what you need a day.

Much love to you!

...thank you for your kind words. I can't even make eye contact with any one without crying. I'm in such a bad way right now. We're going to get a used treadmill and Bowflex with some of our tax return but right now I think I'm beyond training to even help. I just feel like crying and listening to music and being alone. I REALLY need God right now.

Okay.

Picture what you believe God looks like...

See His ginormous hands?

One by one "give" your whole self to fit in one of Those ginormous hands.

I did that a lot when I was hurting. It helped tons.

Let me know if you need commentary...

Mark

(((Mark))

I may be going through withdrawals from Lexapro I just don't know. I've been on it for 3 years and stopped cold a couple of weeks ago. I just don't want to take it anymore. Tired of taking drugs.

Hey, Sweetie. I'm no doctor, but I'm on Lexapro too, having been moved to it from Celexa. What my doctor told me... Do not ever stop taking my anti-Ds without first checking with him. It can have severe effects. I'm changing my meds again and it's being done under doctor supervision and very slowly, otherwise, as has happened in some cases, I may experience extreme moods and even (though very unlikely) psychotic reactions. My H is on alert to watch for any big changes from me. (Which might be hard since I am an emotional riot anyway.)

My mother and my sister are both clinically depressed and have been on drugs for years/decades. Two of my best friends have been on anti-Ds for years. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Yes, they are drugs, but they are not addictive and they are to help you live a better life, not a worse one.

My point being... I think you stopping the Lexapro cold turke may be a huge factor in why you're feeling like you can't control your sadness and depression. I read you're not seeing your doc until Friday, but please do me a favor and call his/her office a.s.a.p. to see if you should resume taking it until you can get into the doctor's office. Please do not be experimenting with your emotional health right now if you can help it.