6yrs & tst:

I told Spartan specifics on the things that I was feeling, even though they were hard to say but he handled it well.

We've been texting this morning and I told him that there is no comparison. I had 2 choices: Divorce to be with OM or divorce and be single. In my opinion, this wasn't a choice that was given to me but rather a blessing and that is that Spartan wanted to work things out with me.

I have not begun to read His Needs, Her Needs yet (almost finished with "The Explosive Child") but that is next on my list. I will also pick up "Surviving the Affair".

I was VERY hesitant to tell Spartan about the things that I "missed" about the OM because I didn't want him to compare himself to him. No worries there! He texted me and said, "There's no comparison there. I know what it's like to watch you give birth to our children and sleep next to you. Plus, I know you drool on your pillow at night."

L4.......words are not enough to express my gratitude for you being here with me.

Yes you do Sparkie.

Thanks for your kind words also.

Remember this silly quote of mine....

"I understand why we do the things we do....I just don't understand why we do the things we do."

As long as you keep God first in your and Spartan's life and remember the low places, you will most likely have a beautifully recovered marriage. It takes courage and lots of love....you seem to have both!!

Not just this morning. Every morning.

Funny you should say that! I'm a nationally recognized cross stitcher but haven't picked up a project in years. I showed a couple of patterns to Spartan and he really liked them. I think I've got a new project to start!

Either that or I'll paint our bedroom. It's dark.....it's dismal......it's the same color as OM's (by coincidence). Time to change.

I thought of this early this morning -- something that helped me choose the right path early on when I felt lost.

During my PA last spring I felt FOM was the only one who got me. When I was hurting, confused, lonely, mad, or whatever, the only person with whom I believed I could feel safe was FOM. What I came to understand is that I had to forget about the past conflicts with my H and let my H make me feel safe here IRL. So my mantra became and continues to remain, "H is my safe place."

Your H needs to be that place you can go to at any time for anything. And you need for him to be that for you too. From a simple smile to a warm shoulder to listening ears to supportive strong arms wrapped around you... It can be tough this early as you're both working on trust issues, but you need to commit to going all-in and try, Sparky.

Make your H your safe place.

My will has truly been put to the test today.......and I passed. As I was leaving for lunch today, the OM and I saw each other on the road. We made eye contact, he waved and I continued driving.

It immediately caused me to have a panic attack and so I called a girlfriend for support. She talked me down and told me to call Spartan to tell him what happened. I did exactly that after I hung up with her. He was proud of me and was grateful for my honesty.

I am back to work now and am so distracted by that whole ordeal that I cannot concentrate very well. I am going to take a Xanax.

It messed me up so badly that I could not find what I was looking for at the mall. I'm crazed with shoes and even that I couldn't find joy in looking at. Bought NOTHING which is highly unusual for me.

The Xanax isn't kicking in fast enough. I'm ready to fall apart!!! Breathe, breathe, breathe. STAY WITH ME, GOD!!!

Your H is your safe place. Your H is your safe place. Call him. Text him. Send an email. Take out a picture of him and stare at it.

Or pull out the random list of distractions and grab something from there. Ask a co-worker if she wants to go grab a coffee and talk about your kids or her landscaping project. Pull out that horrific monthly spreadsheet you hate doing the end of every month and get started on it now. Distract. Think of your many blessings including your H and your family that you're fighting to keep intact.

I am SOOOOO proud of you for calling Spartan!

You can do this, Sparkster. Recovering a badly damaged M is hard. You've chosen the most difficult path and I have faith you have the strength to follow it, as you've proven today.

I'm picturing the beautiful red roses that are waiting for me at home.

So many things we talk about here on MB are wrapped up in this simple paragraph it is hard to know where to begin...

Just seeing OM tested your resolve. I would bet it also tested your decision to give him up. The feelings came flooding back, the thoughts of things shared, all welled up inside...Am I close?

Then you made a choice to not follow your feelings but to find some other way to process your feelings instead of acting on them. You stumbled but caught yourself before you fell back into those old ways of thinking.

You then made another choice to follow advice given to you by a trusted friend. And that led you to test Spartan to see if what HE says would be real. You called him and reported what you knew would be upsetting to him, not knowing how he would react.

He was grateful for your honesty and so you BOTH passed the test. You passed by being honest and in so doing helped provide Spartan with the proof that his trust is not misplaced.

And he passed because he was supportive and thanked you when you were afraid of what he might do in response to this. Several steps forward all at once without a slide backward. It gets you closer to recovery than any amount of talking or solving problems.

It brought you closer together than you were.

A couple more years of this and you might just recover and be better than new...

Well done to both of you...

Mark

You know it really does take a special person to put up with you pineing for OM. I would have loved a shot at recovery at the time but looking back now I realise I could never have put up with this!

You should count yourself very very lucky

I am far from lucky. I am truly blessed.

Spartan did a lot of reading on the MB site last night after I went to bed. He e-mailed me the link on how affairs should end and presented the question to me, "what did you get from the OM that I wasn't giving to you?"

I honestly answered him as difficult as it was. We both agreed on one thing and that was that sex between us had become dull and boring. That is something that we have needed to work on for a very long time. We bought toys together but I got rid of them because it made him feel indequate and put out. He wants me to tell him the things that I like and want which I am willing to do. That's going to be a hard task because I don't want sex between us to be mechanical or scripted.

This weekend, I think it would be good for us to fill out all of the questionnaires together and read them. We can work on one conflict at a time until we get the whole thing right.

I have passed a crucial milestone and didn't even realize it until I looked at the calendar.

I had a pattern of mentally (and sometimes physically) checking out of our marriage every 3 months or so. It has now been 4 months since the last time that I left home.

The kids are so much more stable and less "testing" than they were and I can see the joy returning to their faces because they can feel that I am not going anywhere again. In fact, our oldest son's next counseling appointment isn't for 3wks! He has been going once a week for the last 4 years.

Tonight is date night for Spartan and I and I think we're gonna hit Taco Bell and go see Watchman.

We're also going to pick out colors for our bedroom......I'm thinking of a warm cinammon color.

Big weekend for Spartan and I.

I have a very trusted FWS that throught the help of MB has become my mentor and confidant. My husband and I both have her number and have been in pretty lengthy contact with her.

Last night, the three of us talked and she had asked Spartan to start setting up boundaries for me that would make him feel more comfortable. Oddly enough, I was in the process of working one thing on my own but hadn't yet brought it up to him.

There are two really big issues that we will set in place. I will cancel my gym membership and we will find a used Bowflex and treadmill to put in the garage for a home gym. We looked on Craigslist together and found out about how much we will need to save.

Secondly, I will show Spartan where the OM lives. Not knowing has been bothering him. I also explained to him what he looks like (I do not have any pictures and he doesn't do any social networking sites). He wants to be able to recognize him should he show up at our door or we run into him by chance.

I offered up several things last night while we were out and it seems to have put him more at ease.

We got to talking about SF and I had asked him what his MOW gave him that I didn't. Not 30 minutes later, he received a text from her saying, "just wondering how you're doing. I truly wish you and your family well". Both of our mouths hit the floor! I has been MONTHS since we heard from her. She just got married in Sept.

I'm sure everyone's experience is different, but I have had much better results doing my weightlifting at home than in a gym. At least at the gym I joined, the weightlifting seemed to be very "dumbed down" to appeal to a larger audience. [with a personal trainer, that is]

Anyhoo, my home gym contains an elliptical from Sams [that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE] and about 200 weight lifting DVDS, barbells, dumbbells, steps and all else. I use Cathe Friedrich and The Firm specifically, and have stayed in good shape for years doing rotations using those workouts.

I did use a SMITH MACHINE for my squats and lunges for several years but my chiro has banned squats so I sold the machine.

Have you ever tried Cathe Friedrich? What kind of routine are you doing?

I'm rather looking forward to training at home, actually. I do bodybuilding (have competed and got into magazines and am on some websites). You would never know it when I'm off season though!

I like LL Cool J's Platinum Workout book at lot. Yes, the scenery is quite nice, but he and his trainer REALLY have a great thing going on. I also work off of "the lifter's bible" from Arnie.

I took Spartan to the gym one night and trained legs with him. He was so sore that he couldn't walk for DAYS!!

When will this withdrawal stop?! I'm really burned out on feeling like I'm living in a void.

Today, we went to church and that helped. Our church is so small that we all know each other's struggles pretty intimately. Our pastor, my sponsor and some other close friends of ours there came up and asked us how we've been. I told them that I saw the xOM on the road on Thurs. and how much of a setback it was for Spartan and I. I feel like we're starting all over again....very frustrating. I'll be going back to recovery group on Mon. nights after work and will be leaning on my sponsor more. Since we cannot afford an MB weekend or even a phone consult, we're doing the next best thing and going to a Family Life weekend this April. We can only pay half and our church will sponsor the rest.

One thing that our pastor said to us today that really got me to pay attention was this. He said, "I'll give ANYONE here today a check for $100 bucks if they can tell me that what the've given up was better than Jesus. What did you give up, drinking? Sleeping around? Ooooo, that's better than Jesus. No takers??!" He's absolutely right.

We're at my parents' house tonight for dinner and some Margaritas. Haven't done that in a very long time so this is nice.

Still haven't had time to read SAA or HNHN or FILSIL?

MS, nobody would have taken my words seriously if I had not invested some effort in learning the MB program by at least reading the books written by Dr. Harley. Especially my spouse!

Won't cost a dime if checked out from the library.

Why are you finding time for so many other things, but not time to read the books that may prevent you from repeating your adultery?

My obvious point would be ...... how many hours in the past 4 weeks have you given to working out, searching for workout equiptment, researching workout techniques, reading or writing on web sights that are devoted to the subject?

- VS -

How many hours have you spent reading MB books that could lead to a marriage worth having in the future?

I believe the ratio of hrs is likely 100:1

Your H should just