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How do I approach this? What do I say?
Over it.
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Have you read Joseph's Letter to your H yet? No, where is this?
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I think you are still wishy-washy on the idea of making ANY requirements .... and I know 100% that lack of requirements is a mistake. A big bad mistake. I absolutely am gun shy about making requirements because he is constantly calling me a control freak whenever he gets mad. I have even overheard him telling his family that I am unbelievably controlling and that is the biggest problem that he has with me. I don't agree but I think that he believes it.
Over it.
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I know that you are right. It scares me because I DON'T know if he is sincere because I can't believe a word he says. You will know if he is sincere when you tell him you need him to take a polygraph. I think you are scared of the answer, but aren't you more scared of living his lies in a false recovery? I don't know of anything more devastating than a false recovery. A false recovery is much worse than first go around of an affair, IMO. You would be better off finding out NOW if he is insincere and dishonest than to go along for months wondering and being torn to shreds a little more each day. Save yourself a future life of hell by settling the matter sooner rather than later.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thank you for the truth. And thank you for Joseph's letter. I am afraid. Very afraid. I don't want a false recovery or anymore lies though.
Over it.
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I absolutely am gun shy about making requirements because he is constantly calling me a control freak whenever he gets mad. Abusive people accuse their victims of being "controlling" in order to scare them into silence. Your H is an abuser and this is just another tactic to manipulate you into being the BAD GUY when you attempt to protect yourself. If protecting your best interests is "controlling" then so be it. Are you going to sacrifice your mental health on a false recovery for FEAR that your abuser will call you "controlling?' C'mon, SS, that is foolish.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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May I suggest ....
Make a copy of Joseph's letter.
Print it out.
Read it aloud to your H.
Then tell your H that you will discuss the letter with him over a coffee date the next day.
Then be loving warm and pleasant until your coffee date.
When you discuss Joseph's letter the following day - tell your H the truth.
Tell your H:
"I am going to be honest with you.
I cannot trust that I have all the puzzle pieces.
I need all the puzzle pieces.
I require all the puzzle pieces in order to stay married to you.
Right now, I will require that you put any missing puzzle pieces on the table.
This is for the sake of our marriage.
Here are my remaining questions"
.... then ask the questions you would ask on a poly.
Then let us know how it went. His attitude is paramount.
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Thank you for the truth. And thank you for Joseph's letter. I am afraid. Very afraid. I don't want a false recovery or anymore lies though. The WORST THING that can happen is that you endure a false recovery because you had no requirements for recovery. That is to damn yourself to a life of hell. You would be 100X better off if he LEFT than go through a FR. Go check out some of the people who are in Plan B. They are not living in a hell of false recovery, wondering if their WS is lying to them every waking moment. They live in peace.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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May I suggest ....
Make a copy of Joseph's letter.
Print it out.
Read it aloud to your H.
Then tell your H that you will discuss the letter with him over a coffee date the next day.
Then be loving warm and pleasant until your coffee date.
When you discuss Joseph's letter the following day - tell your H the truth.
Tell your H:
"I am going to be honest with you.
I cannot trust that I have all the puzzle pieces.
I need all the puzzle pieces.
I require all the puzzle pieces in order to stay married to you.
Right now, I will require that you put any missing puzzle pieces on the table.
This is for the sake of our marriage.
Here are my remaining questions"
.... then ask the questions you would ask on a poly.
Then let us know how it went. His attitude is paramount. Too late. I copied Joseph's letter and added that I need a polygraph test and emailed him before I lost my nerve. I will wait a couple of days until he brings it up and be nice in the meantime.
Last edited by stillstanding2; 03/16/09 09:39 AM.
Over it.
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Too late. I copied Joseph's letter and added that I need a polygraph test and emailed him before I lost my nerve. I will wait a couple of days until he brings it up and be nice in the meantime. LOL  Well, at least that's a PLAN with some muscle in it. Good job.
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[]
Too late. I copied Joseph's letter and added that I need a polygraph test and emailed him before I lost my nerve. I will wait a couple of days until he brings it up and be nice in the meantime. BRAVO!! He is the one who has something to be nervous about, not you. You have done nothing wrong, SS. It is a crying shame he has put you in this position. You are worth much more than CRUMBS. You just raised your PRICE TAG. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thank you for helping me have the courage to ask for what I need. I am terrified of what I will find but need the truth.
Over it.
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Thank you for helping me have the courage to ask for what I need. I am terrified of what I will find but need the truth. When you discuss this with your H , use the words "I require all the pieces of the puzzle" ... less inflammatory.
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Recovery is in the toilet again. I have all the details on my thread "he says all the right things"
Over it.
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