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Need opinions on whether or not to ask for a polygraph early in recovery. Recovery is fragile. Is a polygraph a good idea or will it make the FWS feel more scrutinized and punished? I would like some assurance that I have the truth finally but don't want it at the expense of my tentative recovery. Need advice.
Over it.
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Here is your stated purpose: I would like some assurance that I have the truth finally Here is your concern: but don't want it at the expense of my tentative recovery If your recovery falls apart because you require microscopic scrutiny of the truth, then it was a lousy recovery to begin with. How is everything going otherwise?
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I will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to make my marriage whole again.You will know when you are in recovery with an excellent chance of making it all the way when your WS makes the above declaration .... AND backs it up with action.
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I would like some assurance that I have the truth finally but don't want it at the expense of my tentative recovery. Need advice. Your recovery will be LESS TENTATIVE if you are assured of having the truth. His willingness to do what is right will also make your recovery LESS TENTATIVE. This is his chance to demonstrate his willingness to assure you and to clear his name. That is good for both of you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I would like some assurance that I have the truth finally What if you wrote it this way: I require assurance that I finally have the truth Can you see the different state of mind that changing one word makes?
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"I would like" = wishful thinking
"I require" = part of a plan & a boundary
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Thank you for your responses. We had a rough weekend. Both of us have been irritable but are doing well otherwise. What is the best non LB way to approach a polygraph? I don't really think that I can believe anything he says without some kind of proof but I know that he will be hurt by that fact. I don't want to hurt him but I really need to know if he is telling the truth. Should I wait until things are a little better?
Over it.
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His biggest complaint about me is that I am controlling and leading him around by the nose. If I try to require anything he will bristle. I don't want to sound like I am making selfish demands. When he gets mad, he says everything is controlled by me. How can I be firm and still word this in a non-demanding way?
Over it.
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When you say to the wayward spouse:
"I would like you to take a poly."
There will be a discussion where your motives will be questioned. YOUR MOTIVES !!! You will put yourself in the position of having to defend YOUR motives.
When you say to the wayward spouse:
"I require a poly before we go any further."
There is no discussion. No argument. No exploring or examination of your motives. The wayward either says "OK" or tries to talk you out of it. If there is a discussion about it - walk away. That is what a boundary is all about. There either is or is not compliance with a boundary. There is no "try" and there is no "why".
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I'm not advocating whether or not you should or should not require a poly in your situation. That is up to you 100%.
I am trying to open your mind up to the realization that asking for something you think shopuld be a requirement in your situation is foolish.
Either the poly is a requirement, or it is not.
Which is it?
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If I try to require anything he will bristle. Au contraire HE is now controlling you. How do you like those shoes? How do you like tip-toe-ing on eggshells?
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His biggest complaint about me is that I am controlling and leading him around by the nose. If I try to require anything he will bristle.
I will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to make my marriage whole again.Which attitude looks more like it has the potential for a successful recovery? Hint:
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When you say to the wayward spouse:
"I would like you to take a poly."
There will be a discussion where your motives will be questioned. YOUR MOTIVES !!! You will put yourself in the position of having to defend YOUR motives.
When you say to the wayward spouse:
"I require a poly before we go any further."
There is no discussion. No argument. No exploring or examination of your motives. The wayward either says "OK" or tries to talk you out of it. If there is a discussion about it - walk away. That is what a boundary is all about. There either is or is not compliance with a boundary. There is no "try" and there is no "why".
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I'm not advocating whether or not you should or should not require a poly in your situation. That is up to you 100%.
I am trying to open your mind up to the realization that asking for something you think shopuld be a requirement in your situation is foolish.
Either the poly is a requirement, or it is not.
Which is it? I understand what you are saying. I don't know the answer. I do need the truth. I don't believe my husbands words anymore. I wish I did but I don't. He lied for too long. I do want to recover. I believe that most of the time he does too. I don't want to drive him away so early in recovery. I am not convinced that his head is fog free yet. I think at some point, I will have to ask for a polygraph from him. I am afraid that if I ask now, it will withdraw too much from his lovebank and we will be worse off. Our lovebanks are very low right now and my gut tells me that he is not ready. I really appreciate the advice.
Over it.
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I don't really think that I can believe anything he says without some kind of proof but I know that he will be hurt by that fact. My opinion SS2? A bonafide FWS will jump at any opportunity to demonstrate his truthfulness to you... Mrs. W, FWS
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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[quote=Pepperband
I will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to make my marriage whole again.
[/quote]
When he is in a good mood, he has said exactly that. His moods swing pretty quickly though.
Over it.
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I don't want to drive him away so early in recovery. Recovery is UNcomfortable for BOTH spouses. In case you did not know. BOTH of you will be required to DO THINGS that make you uncomfortable.
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I don't want to drive him away so early in recovery. I am not convinced that his head is fog free yet. I think at some point, I will have to ask for a polygraph from him. I am afraid that if I ask now, it will withdraw too much from his lovebank and we will be worse off. You won't drive him away if he is sincere about recovery. You will only drive him away if he IS NOT. And if he is not sincere, then there is no hope anyway. keeping him on these kind of terms is a big mistake, ss.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am not a huge fan of the polygraph.
I can appreciate it's value for others.
It's just not my style.
Having said that, if YOU require a poly then you REQUIRE one.
I think you are still wishy-washy on the idea of making ANY requirements .... and I know 100% that lack of requirements is a mistake. A big bad mistake.
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Have you read Joseph's Letter to your H yet?
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I don't want to drive him away so early in recovery. I am not convinced that his head is fog free yet. I think at some point, I will have to ask for a polygraph from him. I am afraid that if I ask now, it will withdraw too much from his lovebank and we will be worse off. You won't drive him away if he is sincere about recovery. You will only drive him away if he IS NOT. And if he is not sincere, then there is no hope anyway. keeping him on these kind of terms is a big mistake, ss. I know that you are right. It scares me because I DON'T know if he is sincere because I can't believe a word he says. I am doing the same things that I did when he lied to me for 14+ months. I am taking his word on things and trying to not rock the boat because I don't want him to leave. That got me a cheating lying husband. I guess I know what I have to do. I need a polygraph. I can't just wait until he feels better. I need the truth, not pretty lies. Thank you for the reality check.
Over it.
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Have you read Joseph's Letter to your H yet? No, where is this?
Over it.
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