|
|
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 498
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 498 |
bump to see if any news...
Me: 32 BS DDay: 9/14/08
Slowly coming to the realization that I
am one of those who can't get past it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,880
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,880 |
No, no news, really. Divorce discussions are ongoing. Things might be slow-going with her being a stay-at-home mom right now, and the economy in the tank.
I'm considering going ahead and filing, and working out the other stuff later. I won't throw her out on the street, but I do want the legal stuff finished as quickly and painlessly as possible.
Divorced
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,880
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,880 |
I finally had the "real" divorce discussion Friday. Next to walking in on her, it was the most difficult thing I've ever done.
Fortunately, it still looks to be an amicable split. We're not going to file right away, but I'm looking for an apartment starting today, since she's a stay-at-home mom with no income. I will continue to help her financially as much as I can.
Divorced
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 614
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 614 |
Krazy, Sorry to hear this news. Hang in there man.   Want2Stay
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,880
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,880 |
I keep getting berated.
I "couldn't possibly be leaving just because she cheated. Either I'm cheating, or I just can't handle being around the kids full-time. I should be over it by now...people get past this all the time!"
Still, after all this time, after having a front row seat to my agony for 2.5 years, she doesn't realize what she did to me that day.
I've been such an idiot.
Divorced
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 498
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 498 |
I "couldn't possibly be leaving just because she cheated. Either I'm cheating, or I just can't handle being around the kids full-time. I should be over it by now...people get past this all the time!" Some do...but many do not. Many do not even give an opportunity and immediatley file for D. I would expect after 2.5 years that if you are not "over it", something was missing during recovery. Like true remorse for the pain inflicted. The comment above shows that she never comprehended the full extent of her actions, so how could she have possibly been able to expect a full recovery? You gave it your best shot, and if you still do not feel you have gotten anywhere, you should feel good about the time you put in.
Me: 32 BS DDay: 9/14/08
Slowly coming to the realization that I
am one of those who can't get past it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 2,621
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 2,621 |
I wish I could give you a magic word or two that would open her ears. But I don’t have any magic left.
I will be going through this. Within maybe two years. I appreciate your heads up on what to expect.
Perhaps simply repeat over and over it is indeed because of her adultery and no, you are not getting over it. But tell her mostly you will not get past her total lack of empathy.
Stay strong. Get primary custody if you can.
"Never forget that your pain means nothing to a WS." ~Mulan
"An ethical man knows it is wrong to cheat on his wife. A moral man will not actually do it." ~ Ducky
WS: They are who they are.
When an eel lunges out
And it bites off your snout
Thats a moray ~DS
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,772
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,772 |
I keep getting berated.
I "couldn't possibly be leaving just because she cheated. Either I'm cheating, or I just can't handle being around the kids full-time. I should be over it by now...people get past this all the time!"
Still, after all this time, after having a front row seat to my agony for 2.5 years, she doesn't realize what she did to me that day.
I've been such an idiot. Krazy: You too? I get this all the time. Along with "you're going to hold this over my head for the rest of my life". "Haven't I paid for this 1000 times over already?" "Why do you ALWAYS bring this up?" Gee, ya think it's because it's the most devasting thing he could have done to me? Yet it's my problem because I can't get over it. And yup...it's going to be the ultimate reason I wind up divorced. I just can't get past it and everytime he tries to dump the guilt back on my shoulders, the LB balance goes way down. Good luck. I'm just in the beginning stages of looking for a mediator or a lawyer.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 558
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 558 |
I would expect after 2.5 years that if you are not "over it", something was missing during recovery. Like true remorse for the pain inflicted. The comment above shows that she never comprehended the full extent of her actions, so how could she have possibly been able to expect a full recovery? I agree HURTandSHOCKED. Without true remorse....the WS feeling the pain, the best they can without actually being betrayed, that they (the WS) have inflicted on the BS, there will never be recovery. No matter how long you try. IMHO, a true way to know that your WS is remorsefull is to see your pain mirrored in their eyes.
Me46
FWH42
Married 19 yrs
EA 4/07 - 4/08
(Confirmed by polygraph that it had not gone PA)
Dday1 4/13/08
Dday2 8/8/08
S26
S16
D10
Trying to Recover
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 981
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 981 |
I would expect after 2.5 years that if you are not "over it", something was missing during recovery. Like true remorse for the pain inflicted. The comment above shows that she never comprehended the full extent of her actions, so how could she have possibly been able to expect a full recovery? I agree HURTandSHOCKED. Without true remorse....the WS feeling the pain, the best they can without actually being betrayed, that they (the WS) have inflicted on the BS, there will never be recovery. No matter how long you try. IMHO, a true way to know that your WS is remorsefull is to see your pain mirrored in their eyes. I KNOW IT WASN'T RIGHT TO DO IT, I REGRET THE PAIN IT CAUSED HER CUZ I KNOW HOW IT FEELS, BUT THAT IS WHY I WENT RA. It allowed her to feel the same thing I was feeling. Actually, I have gotten over the A, but I haven't gotten over the fWxW. I can positively say that RA, then plan D was the only way I could be where I am now. Actually, seriously considering dating her and starting the WHOLE relationship over. If you look at it as I do, for a guy, she gave me the cover to go out and have a ball for a year. Yeah, who wants to be like that long term, but man, it was a h of a party. She is the one who sits alone on the weekends, not me. But, I'm inclined to go back and mend some fences and thats where I am headed..DUDE
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305 |
I keep getting berated.
I "couldn't possibly be leaving just because she cheated. Either I'm cheating, or I just can't handle being around the kids full-time. I should be over it by now...people get past this all the time!"
Still, after all this time, after having a front row seat to my agony for 2.5 years, she doesn't realize what she did to me that day.
I've been such an idiot. Krazy i am sorry you are having to go through this on top of everything else you have already been through. I just want to say one thing though, do you think she is thinking that way because you did NOT let her know all this time HOW MUCH IT STILL DID BOTHER YOU? I know that you always posted that you were different around her than your posts made you sound. Just a thought.......
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,880
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,880 |
Yeah, I think that's a lot of it. I wasn't honest with her. I've told her that.
I tried to swallow the pain, and I can't take any more.
Divorced
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305 |
I feel you and i did not have to "see" anything. Recovery is a hard pill to swallow. I think most BSs on here probably said "if my spouse ever cheats on me i am outta here" but here we are on a marriage building website trying to save our marriages  ! I am sure you have thought this through about a thousand different ways and this is the best conclusion for you so i am by no means trying to change your mind. But.... Do you think that IF she knows i mean TRULY KNOWS by you being OPEN and HONEST with her that you would reconsider?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 558
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 558 |
I would expect after 2.5 years that if you are not "over it", something was missing during recovery. Like true remorse for the pain inflicted. The comment above shows that she never comprehended the full extent of her actions, so how could she have possibly been able to expect a full recovery? I agree HURTandSHOCKED. Without true remorse....the WS feeling the pain, the best they can without actually being betrayed, that they (the WS) have inflicted on the BS, there will never be recovery. No matter how long you try. IMHO, a true way to know that your WS is remorsefull is to see your pain mirrored in their eyes. I KNOW IT WASN'T RIGHT TO DO IT, I REGRET THE PAIN IT CAUSED HER CUZ I KNOW HOW IT FEELS, BUT THAT IS WHY I WENT RA. It allowed her to feel the same thing I was feeling. Actually, I have gotten over the A, but I haven't gotten over the fWxW. I can positively say that RA, then plan D was the only way I could be where I am now. Actually, seriously considering dating her and starting the WHOLE relationship over. If you look at it as I do, for a guy, she gave me the cover to go out and have a ball for a year. Yeah, who wants to be like that long term, but man, it was a h of a party. She is the one who sits alone on the weekends, not me. But, I'm inclined to go back and mend some fences and thats where I am headed..DUDE No RA for me....I saw the pain without it. I couldn't see myself having a RA even if I hadn't seen what I needed to in him. It's just not me... JoJo
Me46
FWH42
Married 19 yrs
EA 4/07 - 4/08
(Confirmed by polygraph that it had not gone PA)
Dday1 4/13/08
Dday2 8/8/08
S26
S16
D10
Trying to Recover
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 843
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 843 |
Krazy, I think you're one of the strongest men I've seen. Putting up with that for years. After walking in on them and finding out they had been doing it for 3 1/2 years. You have nothing to troubled about. You take what you can take. Its not that your less for not being able to get over it. Its the fact you stayed so long when you couldn't get over it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 8,344
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 8,344 |
>I should be over it by now...people get past this all the time!"
How dare ANYONE give you a timeline to heal from your pain!
How DARE she!
I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,880
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,880 |
>I should be over it by now...people get past this all the time!"
How dare ANYONE give you a timeline to heal from your pain!
How DARE she! I know...but at the time she was very upset. This is crushing her. When I feel weak, all I have to do is think back 2.5 years, and I don't shed a single tear.
Divorced
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 8,344
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 8,344 |
I understand. But the Wookie and I are a goodly ways out in our recovery, and he STILL doesn't begrudge me the hurt and niggling aches I still get now and then.
If he said any of the above, I think I'd have to beat him with my chankla (flip flop)....and I don't think a jury in the world would judge me guilty for the beating.
Not advocatin' a whoopin'...just sayin'.
I understand the "crushing" her part, also. She's new to this hurting stuff...I know, I know...she's got her share of pains in the past...but this WAS a potential outcome of her actions, and that she didn't consider it at the time is no fault of YOURS.
Both of you be good to your littles. The best thing you both can do for them right now is to love them and be there for them.
I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305 |
I feel you and i did not have to "see" anything. Recovery is a hard pill to swallow. I think most BSs on here probably said "if my spouse ever cheats on me i am outta here" but here we are on a marriage building website trying to save our marriages ! I am sure you have thought this through about a thousand different ways and this is the best conclusion for you so i am by no means trying to change your mind. But.... Do you think that IF she knows i mean TRULY KNOWS by you being OPEN and HONEST with her that you would reconsider? No response....... Believe me when i say that i still have trouble with recovery and if i should have even tried to recover my M and i am not trying to be on your FWWs side or give you any more grief really i am not. However i do believe that you never even tried to recover your marriage because you hid your pain from your wife. She did not get a chance to try to "make amends" for what she did because you never told her you needed it. You would think that she would know it without you having to tell her but we have all already established that waywards don't think clearly sometimes. Again just a thought........
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,880
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,880 |
I feel you and i did not have to "see" anything. Recovery is a hard pill to swallow. I think most BSs on here probably said "if my spouse ever cheats on me i am outta here" but here we are on a marriage building website trying to save our marriages ! I am sure you have thought this through about a thousand different ways and this is the best conclusion for you so i am by no means trying to change your mind. But.... Do you think that IF she knows i mean TRULY KNOWS by you being OPEN and HONEST with her that you would reconsider? No response....... Believe me when i say that i still have trouble with recovery and if i should have even tried to recover my M and i am not trying to be on your FWWs side or give you any more grief really i am not. However i do believe that you never even tried to recover your marriage because you hid your pain from your wife. She did not get a chance to try to "make amends" for what she did because you never told her you needed it. You would think that she would know it without you having to tell her but we have all already established that waywards don't think clearly sometimes. Again just a thought........ I can't say she was unaware of my pain...she saw it up close and personal for a long, long time.
Divorced
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
556
guests, and
65
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,623
Posts2,323,511
Members72,002
| |
Most Online3,224
May 9th, 2025
|
|
|
|
