Actually there IS a black and white Plan A and Plan B. It's just that many people don't follow them.

chitchat,

You seem glued on your own plan tactics, at least will you please expose WH and OW A to his boss, his sister and his dad.

These are people who have influence over him. WH will feel the shame and humiliation, this is good to ending his relationship with OW.

WH's boss ... if she can get him the heck out of there, then that is what you want, right? That is a must !

Actually, OW should be fired if this is not her first indiscretion in the workplace. ( I would get the mould out of the soup if I was the boss )

You don't need any more proof than what you have, he has admitted it for crying out loud.

Everyone here can only help you so much, and not at all if you don't follow the advice given.

You don't sound like you are falling apart, which is good. Look after yourself.

Like Believer said, WH needs to get tested for STD's before any SF.

chitchat, you are making strategic mistakes that are harming your marriage and helping the affair. Your best thinking has got you into this mess and your plan will not get you out.

Moving out to "punish" him to try and make an already detached person "miss you" is not a strategic move. He is already detached enough to have an affair, so this just gives him an opportunity to pursue his affair and become closer to his lover. It does nothing to help alleviate the detachment, but rather, ADDS TO IT by giving him the chance the pursue the OW freely. And I bet the OW is not "punishing" him and giving him the silent treatment, so this just makes her look MORE attractive.

Secondly, keeping his affair a SECRET helps the affair thrive. If you exposed at work they would likely fire the OW since she has done this before. Her affairs puts them at legal risk and most companies don't want to fool with that.

What you are doing is not Plan B, not even close. Plan B is not about punishment and it is not a one week plan to give the WS the silent treatment. Not even close. While you are away punishing him, the OW is being nice to him and getting closer and closer. You have handed her a gift actually.

But it is your life. If you feel your own plan will help you, then more power to you. There is nothing saying you have to use Marriage Builders or listen to folks who have saved their marriages using Plan A and Plan B.

okay thanks.

Here is an update: I came back on Monday instead of Tuesday. WH was relieved that I didn't want to leave him (which confused me b/c my email was so clear). I explained all the conditions:
NC letter, inform his boss, job transfer, transparency, and he might want some anti-depressants.

So he wrote the letter and I approved, he sent it, it was in the form of email. Is this okay? We don't know her home address.
The next step is confronting his boss. I am allowed to follow up by contacting her on Thursday to see if he told the truth.

Our new counselor seems AWESOME. He hadn't heard of Dr. Harvey but he emphatically supported the plan to cut off contact, etc.
We are going to have to analyze and rehash the affair; I already learned some painful truth that I hadn't known before. He could be lying, but it sounded like when he would cut it off, she would come back every time and press to start up again.

Now I am waiting on egg shells about the job transfer, PLUS he has to see her at work this week in the meantime....Thanks for all of your support! I know what I did was risky but each case is different.

Try not to rehash the affair too much. This is a serious lovebuster. Over-rehashing has been my biggest mistake with my WS. It really makes them withdraw. You need to re-build the love first. I am glad to see that he is willing to try to work things out with you. Work really hard on meeting his emotional needs. You must build up the love bank to keep him around.

That is GREAT news!! You made the right call.

I have been wondering how you are doing--I haven't been around too much for days.

We're pullin' fer ya'!!

Charlotte

I am reluctant to post to you, chitchat, since you have your own agenda, but it would be best FOR YOU to notify Human Resources and his boss of the affair in writing. It should be done in the form of a letter that is sent certified to the director of HR, ccing your H's boss, the OW's boss and a key VP. The reason for this is many supervisors will sweep it under the rug to protect an employee. This way, it cannot be swept under the rug.

And I am not sure why you would trust your H to tell the whole truth. That is pretty unrealistic.

A good letter that we have used is this:

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

SS, I agree with your point about RE-HASHING, but she does have to know all the details about the affair before recovery can take place. It might be uncomfortable for the WS to divulge all the details but that is not a lovebusters. Rather, neglecting to get it all out will make it impossible to build trust.

Chitchat

I emailed the letter Mel put up for you to 4 people at WWs work. 3 were the "names" of the company and 1 was the HR director.

I agree that she needs to know all the details but overdoing the grilling is what I am warning against. Most WS don't give up all the details initially out of fear and fog. You are much more of an expert in this department than I am and I respect your opinion very much. This is just my point of view, based on my experiences. I also think that building the lovebank has to come first since they are just now reunited. I don't want to see them seperated again. It makes plan A and recovery so much harder.

SS, here is the thing. The recovery doesn't start until she gets the full truth. They are much more likely to separate and have a failed recovery if she DOESN'T get the full truth.

Here is an excerpt from Requirements for Recovery:

"The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy." entire article here

And sure, she shouldn't grill or make demands, but she should persist until she is satisfied she has the full truth. That is the only way to recover. It is very traumatic to a BS to not get the full story and completely hinders recovery, not to mention the added emotional trauma that comes from withholding the truth.

bumping for gabby

MelodyLane,
I agree with what you have said completely. My husband is the withholding type. He has always been the type to avoid conflict and clam up when faced with difficult topics. I still wonder if I have the whole story from him. He has told me that I know everything but I have my doubts because he has volunteered so little information. He "can't remember" a lot of details. It seems that the safer he feels, the more he does share with me. Most of the truth I had to discover for myself and confront him. I hate the dribble truth but that seems to be the way he is going to proceed. I know that in the past, I have reacted poorly to the truth when it was unpleasant. I now know that this made it harder for him to be honest with me. That is why I recommended building up the lovebank and stopping the lovebusters. Do you have any other suggestions to get the WS to open up and feel safe enough to share the truth with the BS? I have had a lot of trouble with this and would appreciate your advise. I would love to stop the dribbling and get it all out there once and for all.