I did it, details to follow. Went well

Finally confronted her just simply told her I knew, and she wanted to know how much. She admits to EA. After that it went really well. We talked for about 2 1/2 hours, smoked two pack of cigarettes (yeah I know get off my case) but we talked. About us , about what got us to this point. She agreed to end the messaging, w/ supervision, I did not ask her to quit her job. She offered but we would need other options. Lots of tears, not alot of yelling. She was baffled as to why I didn't come to her sooner. Yeah me too. The marriage counselor is out the door. We will find another, and she wants to go. Alot of what is going on is related to some self esteem issues on her side. All in all it went really well. I will continue to post. Everyone out there continue to do what you do.

DO NOT FALL INTO THAT TRAP!

Take her up on the quitting the job thing, and FIND other options afterwards.

IF SHE STAYS IN CONTACT WITH THE OM, THE A WILL CONTINUE - END OF STORY!

BTW - she's likely lying to you about the extent of the A. It is WAY too early to trust what she says.

Ditto, Ditto, Ditto, Ditto

BHFF, now that the easy (yeah that's right) part is out of the way, the hard work begins......

Look you don't lose weight and become emotionally unstable by having an EA. She asked why you didn't confront her earlier? Tell her that you will be scheduling a polygraph. Tell her that you are sure she wouldn't mind, and that it will help you get past the affair. You just want to be sure she is telling you the truth about the EA not going PA.

YOU ARE A FIREMAN THAT IS GONE NIGHTS AND SOMETIMES A COUPLE OF DAYS IN A ROW. YOU NEED TO WAKE UP TO THE POSSIBILITY OF HER SCREWING THIS GUY.

Now if we were right about you confronting your wife. Then it just makes sense to listen to us regarding the PA and the polygraph. There are two points to consider.

1. If she agrees, you can relax, move forward and work on your marriage.

2. If she won't take it. You can rest assured that she screwed him.

She obviously wants to stay married. So there is no reason not to press your advantage. If you don't find out. The worrying about it will poison your marriage.

one last thought. Marriage cannot thrive without honesty. If you don not find out everything about the affair. YOU ARE DECIDING THAT YOU DON'T WANT YOUR MARRIAGE TO BE BETTER. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS THE RESPONSIBLE FOR HOLDING HER FEET TO THE FIRE REGARDING WHAT SHE DID. IF YOU DO NOT EXPOSE IT ALL, YOU ARE TELLING HER THAT A LYING, DECEITFUL MARRIAGE IS WHAT YOU WANT.

CAPICE?

[quote]
Finally confronted her just simply told her I knew,
Finally confronted her just simply told her I knew, and she wanted to know how much. quote]

Well of course she wanted to know how much. If you had told her her you know ALL, she would have confessed to PA as well.
but you let her off the hook, once again, because you really didn't want to believe it was more than EA.

Recall what I said to you last reply, "What would you do, what would you insist on, if your weren't afraid?"

I know you're frightened BHFF, to hear anymore, but you will not R witout the whole and unabashed truth of exactly how deep this betrayal went.

Insist that she get tested for STD's and that you see the written results. You'll be surprized at the reaction that will get from her, and you may get the truth without a poly. She'll call you crazy, at which point you will reply, "people with nothing to hide, hide nothing." It's a condition(one of many) that she will need to comply with in order for you to forgive and trust again.

If she refuses, simular to poly, you will know that she is in panic mode, and never once gave a thought to an STD. My FWW didn't either, and I paid the price for it.

Finish the job BHFF, you're suited up in your armor, but don't give up the fight for the truth yet. If there is more, and I suspect there is, you will die the death of a thousand cuts, and regret your insufficient effort in all of this.

Drizle truth from your WW will seriously harm you. It will make R extremely hard and very looong. Just ask me.

All Blessings,
Jerry

[b]


Well of course she wanted to know how much. If you had told her her you know ALL, she would have confessed to PA as well.
but you let her off the hook, once again, because you really didn't want to believe it was more than EA.

Recall what I said to you last reply, "What would you do, what would you insist on, if your weren't afraid?"

I know you're frightened BHFF, to hear anymore, but you will not R witout the whole and unabashed truth of exactly how deep this betrayal went.

Insist that she get tested for STD's and that you see the written results. You'll be surprized at the reaction that will get from her, and you may get the truth without a poly. She'll call you crazy, at which point you will reply, "people with nothing to hide, hide nothing." It's a condition(one of many) that she will need to comply with in order for you to forgive and trust again.

If she refuses, simular to poly, you will know that she is in panic mode, and never once gave a thought to an STD. My FWW didn't either, and I paid the price for it.

Finish the job BHFF, you're suited up in your armor, but don't give up the fight for the truth yet. If there is more, and I suspect there is, you will die the death of a thousand cuts, and regret your insufficient effort in all of this.

Drizle truth from your WW will seriously harm you. It will make R extremely hard and very looong. Just ask me.

All Blessings,
Jerry

[/quote]

Thank you shinethrough,
I am not as stupid as I had been. The keyloggers are in place, phone access is in place. I do know my wife and now that my eyes are opened I see things much more clearly and interpret her actions better. The pain is still there and I struggle with it. The signs were there and I wasn't paying attention. But isn't that a part of the overall problem in most marriages? (I am not condoning, forgiving, supporting or empathizing with the A) Distractions and loss of focus on the partner and stopping searching for what the other person wants and needs like you do when you are dating? We both know that we had stopped going to each other for emotional support and had stopped communicating. But now the ball is back in her court. She knows the conditons. She asked me to not confront him or his spouse. On the condition that all contact (except for work and that will have to be tolerated for a short while, sorry ouchthathurt) be stopped I will not go to his spouse. However I have the name address, phone number and email address and will not hesitate to contact. She also knows that I will contact their boss and inform them of the A. There has been a swing and I think it is withdrawal. Along with being more angry with me she has been more communicative of me. We talked again last night and that was painful because she was asking for space to straighten out her emotions dealing with the loss of the EA and the support it provided her while she was dealing with her own emotional problems. She knows I dont trust her right now and may not for a long while. I got a kiss before she left for work and it has been a LONG time since that happened. She also wore her wedding band to work, a change. So I know I am about to be pounded on but here are my thoughts-

This sucks.
What stress can do to someone.
Every man should go home and hug his wife and give her his full attention without distraction
Wives-see above.
What hurts worse not knowing or knowing?
I still love my wife and will be a better husband father and friend then I was.
Dont go to the first marriage counselor you find with out some investigation.
Why is happiness so hard to find for some people?

"I am not as stupid as I had been."

Yes you are.

"She asked me to not confront him or his spouse. On the condition that all contact (except for work and that will have to be tolerated "

You refuse to expose OMW, refuse to expose Human Resources at work, allow contact to continue instead.

BTW she asked me to come visit her at work. That is also a change. Pound away, it keeps me vigilant.

Contact the OMW as soon as possible.

In my situation, I contacted OWH the same day I found out. He thanked me for telling him and also told me that in his wife's (my H's OW) previous A, the OW and OM had both begged him not to tell. So he didn't and regretted it for many months, right on up to the point where she set her sights on my H and ended up bedding him for seven months. What a lot of grief could have been avoided by all.

DO it.

AM

BHFF,

You have no idea what you are dealing with.
If you want any chance at saving your M, you must put some trust in this board.
That, and and grow and pair real quick.

WW is not angry, she's actually been pretty sweet, you've seen some positive changes.
Why isn't she angry???

BECAUSE SHE HAS YOU WRAPPED AROUND HER LITTLE FINGER.

WW knows that her secret is safe with you. Why in the world would she be worried ?
This A will not end, it will just go further underground.

WW is not in withdrawl, way too quick, she knows that she will be able to see him again, and that is why she is not angry.

You don't make deals about exposure.

You just EXPOSE, no warning, just BAM.

You tell OMW, she has a right to know that some other woman is touching, feeling romantic with, and boinking her H.

Your WW will continue to touch, talk intimate with, and boink the other man.

NO OTHER MAN HAS A RIGHT TO SEXUALLY TOUCH YOUR WIFE. SHE IS YOUR WIFE, THAT YOU PROMISED TO PROTECT.

You also expose to her workplace, her family, your family. How old are your kids?

EXPOSURE is the cheapest ammo and most effective way of squashing an A.

This is my first post on this board even though I have been reading here since around 2003. This situation is similar to what I went through 15 years ago with my wife.

We were married 5 years at the time and I knew something was wrong. One night I confronted here and after 3 hours of arguing she admitted she had feelings for a coworker. We hugged and decided to work on our marriage, spend more time etc..and from that moment on we did. We had 3 children at the time and she continued to work with OM for 3 more years. She said it was an EA (more obsessed by him due to the attention) and that she stopped having coffee with him. She did have lunch with him the year before while 9 months pregnant with our 3rd, but she called first to ask if it was alright with me then. At all times I could always reach her and she never went anywhere after work other then picking up kids (before so too) then home. At all company functions, before and after our talk, I was always present or she didn’t go. I originally told here that she had to quite that night which she agreed to, but I said nevermind a few days later. We seemed to be closer for at least the next 5 or more years.

Keep in mind we are till today considered the posterboy for the perfect couple by everyone that knows us (we also dated for 5 years before getting married). So why am I posting here under your thread? Because to this day a lot about that time doesn’t make sense to me. I wonder how much I really know about those days, and I wonder what else. There was no MB and no friends or family to talk to. There were no cell phone to trace either. We have grown closer than ever over the last 3 years, mostly because I stopped bringing up the past and spending more intimate time together (non-sexual). Our SF has always been great and frequent. We have since had more children and both just passed into our 40’s. There is much more, but let me stop to explain why I put this, my first post, here.

If there is anything that I leaned on this site it’s that there is indeed a fog around any WW. More so, however, there is a fog that clouds the judgement of some BS’s. You will to easily WANT to believe everything your WW says. Since she must also be petrified about opening up more to you, it becomes too easy for people to slip back into their comfort zones and use denial and avoidance in dealing with the A. Your reluctance to confront her shows this might be a bad characteristic of yours, which is completely understanding during this time. But now you know.

If it’s not completely honest, as in the kind of honesty taught on this site, it will never remain in the back round. What these other posters are telling you is that YOU CANNOT TRUST YOUR WIFE RIGHT NOW, regardless of what she says to you or how she acts. There is a great probability that her intentions are not as noble as you think. She asked you why you didn’t approach her earlier? Why didn’t she? She knew about the problem in greater detail then you, she avoided it then and chances are she is avoiding it now.

The worst sentence I can see from your last post is that she needs space. All that you have achieved is what Vittoria writes….your WW knows her secret is safe with you. Unless you want to have this come back to you another day, and believe me you don’t, Blow this up immediately. I wish I still had that opportunity, and you will lose it more with each day.

BHff, it's good to see you have confronted, but also sad to see that you took off your armor and laid it down, cause you are not nearly done here yet. However that's really up to you in terms of whether you want to save your M or not.

Your forgiveness and excusing your WW is way to premature and I hate to be the one to tell you, that you haven't even really scratched the surface yet.

There is much more to this A then you realize, and that is EXACTLY why your WW does not want you you to expose to OMW. If that happens, heaven forbid, the REAL truth of their involvement may come to the surface.

So I would suggest to you that you have laid down your sword way to early. The OMW needs to be told immediately, as in yesterday!! BHff, you cannot simply put blinders on and expect this to all go away. Ain't going to happen.

So once again, losing the fear to do the next best thing, what do you feel compelled to do?

If OMW knew everyting, would you not wish her to reveal the same to you?

Your wife cammot continue to work with OM. How disrespectful is that to you, the BS.

Here, from Dr Harley, sound familiar??



BHFF, thank you for the sevice you provide to your community and thusly, all of us. It's not easy being you.

Please be forewarned, this is not nearly the total truth yet.

Your WW should cease and desist her current job and continued contact with her lover. I used the word lover on purpose.

What will you do to save this M?

All Blessings,
Jerry

BHFF,
As an aside, what you are doing is your best to "CONTAIN" the truth of your WW's and Om's affair.

Only truth and honesty is the solution to an A. Anything else is poison.

Pick your poison or save your M, Your choice.

All Blessings,
Jerry

BHFF, I cannot believe that you have so little respect......for someone else's marriage. You are basically throwing the OMs spouse under the bus. You refuse to pursue whether they slept together. You will not tell her. FIRST OFF YOU HAVE TO TELL HER TO CONTROL HER HUSBAND.

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE CONFRONTED HER, IF IT WERE NOT FOR THE BETRAYED SPOUSES ON THIS BOARD. I HAVE REALLY LOST A LOT OF RESPECT FOR YOU.

WHAT IF THIS BAS**** HAS ANOTHER WOMAN. WHAT IF HE INFECTS HIS WIFE WITH AN STD. DO THEY HAVE KIDS? HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF SHE CAUGHT A LIFE THREATENING DISEASE. AND IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE AIDES. DO YOU KNOW THAT CHLAMIDIA CAN CAUSE CERVICAL CANCER. MY DAUGHTER HAD 3 BAD PAP SMEARS BECAUSE OF IT AND HAS TO TESTED EVERY 6 MONTHS FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE. YOU'RE SUPPOSE TO BE A LIFE SAVER. I AM SO PI**ED AT YOU RIGHT NOW. I SINCERELY HOPE YOU ARE NOT A FIREMAN ANYWHERE CLOSE TO WHERE I LIVE.

Let me take a deep breath and cool down. (Breath)in (Breath) out.

LET ME PUT IT IN SELFISH TERMS SINCE YOU APPARENTLY DON'T CARE ABOUT THE HEALTH OF A STRANGER. WHAT HAPPENS THE NEXT TIME YOUR WIFE GOES IN FOR A PAP SMEAR AND SHE COMES BACK POSITIVE FOR PRECANCEROUS CELLS? WOULD YOU CARE THEN? BECAUSE IF SHE DIDN'T USE A CONDOM AND WON'T CONFESS TO YOU ABOUT SLEEPING WITH THE OTHER MAN. WHICH SHE DEFINITELY DID. NO WOMAN JUMPS FROM AN EA TO WEARING HER RINGS AND KISSING YOU GOODBYE *BAM* WITHOUT SOME MAJOR GUILT AND NOT BECAUSE OF AN EA.



HEY BHFF. DID YOU EVER FOR A MINUTE THINK THAT THE OMS WIFE KNOWS IF THEY HAVE HAD SEX? MAYBE SHE SAYS "THAT WAS THE UNKNOWN HOTEL BILL ON HIS CARD" OR WHAT IF SHE SHARES THAT HER HUSBAND BANGS EVERY GIRL HE CAN. AND YOUR WIFE IT JUST ONE IN A STRING. "OH, YOU HAD BETTER GET YOUR WIFE TO GET CHECKED IMMEDIATELY. HE GAVE ME CHLAMIDIA, THAT'S WHY WE HAVEN'T HAD ANYMORE KIDS. THEY HAD TO TAKE OUT MY WOMAN PARTS. I WOULD HAVE LEFT HIM. BUT I NEED THE INSURANCE.

WAKE UP

Ouch,

calm down, shouting doesnt do any good.

BHFF, welcome to MB. A firefighter huh? So is my DH.

Since it seems this thread is about infidelity, it might be a good idea, for BHFF to click on 'notify' under his first post and ask the mods to move it to GQ2 where it will get more traffic, and the vets who can help most.