Updates wanted. Lousy pay, great hours. Apply now.

LA

After much effort, I just think I am at the end of my rope. Everytime I try and be open with her, she accuses me of laying a guilt trip on her. Accuses me of just wanting sex, even though we don't have sex. She has disrepected my needs for so long that I just don't care anymore. After great struggles to met her needs, she doesn't met mine. I am considering a future again on my own. I just don't think it's going to work. Thanks for all the great advince. Unfortunately I think my wife had made up her mind about us long before she was open with the symptoms. I have not been happy since all this started and just want to feel good about life again.

{{{fb}}} I'm so sorry. You do deserve better. Best of luck.

I am very sorry too. I believe my wife is a special person....almost a gift to the world. Unfortunately I don't think she would ever say the same about me. I had been talking with my family about our problems....mostly my mother and father. They wanted me to cut it off a long time ago. During the Thanksgiving holidays I spilled my guts to my brother....somebody I respect and hold in the highest regards. I was shocked to find out that he had the same opinion as my parents. Sometimes vision is clouded so much that you can't see the truth. My wife told me tonight that she pleasures herself at least 1/month. This rather hurt me since 1/month would actually be a step forward sexual wise for us. That she would not come to me for sexual pleasure is very hurtful (because she knows that i am ready anytime). I would not mind if she was overly sexual. That she reserves a special feeling for herself when she knows that i am willing is just about devastating. I feel that I am always compromising, negotiating and manipulating sex out of her. I have had it. I don't deserve this. I will no longer stand for it.

After several months of jumping through hoops nothing had changed. I had a talk with her and she states that she still had no passion for me. She told me that she would frequently go to bed early or occupy herself with other activities because she was afraid that I would ask for sex. I told her that I walk on eggshells most of the time as I knew that she had these feelings. I knew neither how to approach her with this situation or how to process this information on a personal level. She would give me no cues. Expect me to mindread. Her repeatedly telling me she had no passion for me is basically saying that she has no passion for my essence or who I am. Primalistic to the male ego without question (unfortunate), powerful and with unavoidable consequences nonetheless. Wether she realized this when she said it has little importance now. It shamed, hurt and made me feel like the lowest possible creature. Her feelings are real, I gave her a chance to try and work her issues with my support but she failed to follow through. I told her I would not ask her for sex or physical effection until she became serious about seeking help and working on what was the true root of her problem. I told her that I was tired of begging, pleading and manipulating her for sex. She looked coldly at the wall and did not make mention that she would make any efforts. 2 days later I told her that I was filing for divorce. She suggested separating for now. I told her that state law required us to go through a 61-day "cool down" period, so it was essentially a separation before the divorce. She immediately started to hug me, comfort me and offer me a back rub???!!! (OMG) Thing is...if she would have been doing these things in the first place.. was what i always wanted everything would have been grand. I told her not to touch me, but if she needed me for something I would be there for her during this process. She has displayed these traits over and over...never comforting me until I was at my lowest crying and whining like a child that is denied candy. She asked me why I was acting this way and I told her that it was necessary for me. Her comforting my this way only gives me hope...then I try like hell to met her needs. The routine repeats. That her touching me and comforting only set in motion the cycle that has occured no less than 30 times in the last 3 years. Then I realized...worst case scenario...i start over with new vigor and happiness. Not to fear, not to control it. Embrace it. Not a indicator of my worthiness, but a challenge of who I am. About me, for me. Not her. I became happy and it showed. She asked me why I was so happy. I told her that although I have periods where I spontaneously cry (and i was still sad), the only thing that keeps me level is the possibity of a fruitful future for myself. She said that she was jealous and started sobbing uncontrollably. I told her that I feel her pain (I've lived it thorough) but: i have begged, pleaded, tried to become the best person I can, tried to work on us as a whole and done everything in MY power to make us work. After all of this, what I needed was some reassurance and support that an indicator that what I was doing what was needed and making progress. There was none. I acknowledged this and told her after all the effort, she would turn her back on me when I needed her the most. She said she wished that she had known this. My first thought was to comfort her and tell her that we were going to be OK. But I always do this and the cycle resumes. Instead I told her I would be their for her during these hard times, but not as her husband but as a friend. Now she says I should just move out as I don't physically comfort her and it is awkward to live with me. Wow...speechless, confusion, frustration, ....(enter anything here at will)....Is it possible that some women don't become physically attracted to a male unless the male displays choice? I did everyting that she wanted only to get it thrown back into my face when she would deny me sex. I'm not talking occasional sex...I'm talking I beg, plead and whine until she lays still and takes it. Never initated by her, never seems to enjoy it. I feel like I'm raping her, althoug she says it's enjoyable to her some of the time. Says she likes sexual pleasure, but repeats that she has no desire for me. This relationship is toxic. And I refuse to be part of it anymore. Should have accepted it a long time ago, however I refused to believe it. Love will do that.

One additional thing. My wife and I had a big argument about love and passion. I told her that I believe that love comes from the mind (our brain). We happen to be victims of biology, no matter how much we try to spiritualize it. She argued that love comes from the heart and you can't change it. I said you have to work at loving someone, because we all have flaws. You have to find in yourself if a person's attributes overcome their flaws and love them for what is good in them. I told her that I could love anyone...i just had to see more good and less bad. She cursed at me and said my point-of-view was bogus. I went to bed after that. I didn't sleep good, but had a sense of harmony. I'm sleeping better day by day.

I'm so sorry. But I'm glad you are moving on from this toxicalyy defective woman. Let some other poor soul get stuck with her. You deserve better than that. A LOT better. I'm not trying to trash her, but she infuriates me, what she does to you.

And then to say that YOU should move out? Excuse me? Which one of you is UNWILLING to try to care for the other person?!

gag me!

Phew! Sorry about that. I just mad when people I like are walked all over by selfish manipulative people.

Anyway, I'm glad you filed. You DID file, right?

I will probably file tomorrow. I want to go work out today and do something else for myself today. My normal routine would be to see my wife and how beautiful she is.... and feel guilt and shame over what has happened. Now I just see a cold person. Someone who is willing to drag me through hell with no regards how all this is effecting me on any level. The harder I try is the faster my vehicle builds velocity to hit the concrete wall that is her rejection.

This time I hit the accelerator, dodge the wall, and leave her behind it.

My wife hadn't told her parents that we were getting a divorce and said that she did not plan to do so for awhile. I didn't understand this decision, but I accepted it. Her mother called yesterday while I was in the room. My wife tells her we are getting a divorce, while sobbing uncontrollably. Then hangs up. Her father calls and she does the same thing...while I am in the room. Her parents didn't want to talk to me. I had a hard time processing what was going on. To hang my hand in shame would have been my reaction 6 months ago. To get on my hands and knees and ask for forgiveness certainly. To talk to her parents personally and tell them I was sorry for failing the marriage....that I was going to make everything all right and that if she didn't take me back it was my fault. 6 months ago if this happened I might have even grabbed the phone out of her hand and spouted all my sins into the phone like a confessional. If nothing else I would have ran out of the room covering my head. Instead I sat in the room. When my wife hung up I asked what they had told her. She didn't give me an answer. I told her if they wanted to talk to me they could call me. I told her to tell them that I love them.

So enters the next phase were I'm supposed to feel shame and the other party gets angry at me. Problem is I don't feel shame. And her pulling this tactic last night is a perfect example of how she tries to manipulate me by emotion. She knows that I love her parents and that they love me. I might never speak or see them again in my life. She knew this would effect me...but had little disregard by giving the appearance of the victim in front of me. Problem is I know what she really is now. Blinded like a fool in love I was. She is a chameleon. She will bend and change for a sitution to met her needs. Never to stand up for what is right, but what she wants to be right. Never to stand up for us, but to portray to our peers what she hopes people will see. That is our main difference. And I was still willing to overlook it because I did still see good in her.

It's really hard. But getting easier.

Why? Um...what did YOU do?

If I were you, I would write your in-laws a letter and mail it to them, tell them the truth, and say you hope you'll still be able to keep in touch (or whatever it is you want). They'll be able to tell who is who.

But I'm glad you're finally moving on. The sad thing is, once you finally have had enough is when you start looking attractive to her, usually. It's my hope that she'll spend the rest of her life sad for what she let go.

Eh, some part of me wants her to be sad. Like the thrill you get from watching a really good revenge movie. Fact is, I don't want her to be sad. I never did. I wanted her to be happy with me but she couldn't. I wanted to be happy with her but she wouldn't allow it. I'm not a spiteful person. I just want to love and when it isn't returned I feel hurt. Simple as that. I put my trust into someone completely. When I discovered that she could not return the favor it ripped at my very soul. I knew things might start turning dark if I allowed myself to believe that life is just a big betrayal game played by everyone. She might have just stopped loving me, hurtful but basic enough. She should have at the very minimal told me the truth and moved on. At the most hurtful she kept tugging at my heart strings until I feared for my sanity. I tried to be fun and she made me feel childish. I tried to be romantic and she made me feel sappy. I tried to be firm and she made me feel shelfish. I wanted to feel special, the way she utterly did when we first met. Like it didn't matter what issues I was having, she still had my back. I desperately tried to seek this from her again and that is where I failed myself. I can't go on seeking other people's affrimation of my self-worth. Doing that is 2nd guessing myself to the point of being trivial. I am what I am. A human being.

To answer your question...what did I do? I felt nothing. It was weird. I've never done that before. I just didn't care. I am exhausted and need time to reset.

I don't really want to write her parents. She is their daughter and nothing will change that. Writing them to tell them whatever seems manipulative to me. Seems like the only purpose it would serve would be to put myself at ease about the whole situation. I believe they know I would do anything to keep her if it was possible. That is enough for me. They can call me and most likely will. I asked her father permission to marry her, but I don't need it to divorce her. It pains me to see others in pain, but I need to pull it together for myself. She stopped wearing her wedding ring 1 year into the marriage. It was my grandmothers ring that was given to her by my mother. Does that give an indication of the kind of disrepect and unappreciation I was willing to overlook? It's peace out for her now.

Packing up my stuff and getting ready to move out. She becomes more distant with every minute. I'm ready to file for divorce shortly. Everytime I try to explain the pain and regret she gets angry with me. It still boggles my mind how a life-long friend and partner for 17 years can be so cold. She says she wants to be "friends" after the divorce. Guess me losing my first love and best friend is not enough...she needs to tell me about the new stud she is dating and how she is giving him what she never would give me. That or she wants to keep an emotional leash on me, so when things don't work out she can call me from the bullpen. She says things like "I just want to be happy". Now I just want to get away from her. Everytime I see her I just think about how much I love her and she is unable/unwilling to return my love. It hurts me so much. She admitted to me the other day that she doesn't love me anymore. When I get too deep with my thoughts she states that I make her sick and she thinks she doesn't ever want to see me again. Almost like a threat"be a good boy and get the hell out and I MIGHT call you someday". I told her to stop using this threat because it holds no weight anymore. I don't care if she doesn't contact me, because frankly, I don't want to know how "great" her life is without me. She admitted that she was using the threat to shut me up. Essentially hurt me enough to where I would be scared to say anything that might be upsetting to her. Think I'll just try to remain cool until I can get out. It's rahter tough though as I have to live under the same roof right now.

I'm so sorry. Do you have other things you can do outside the house til you move?

Working out. Think I'll start scheduling my work-outs at about the time she comes home. I still need to communicate with her due to packing and filling out the divorce papers. She is still unwilling/unable to tell me why she made her decisions. I could never get her to open up anymore. I'm not even going to try now. She is not the same person. The person I married would never be doing this. I just need to treat her as just another person now. It's just so painful to me.

I just decided to be nice as nothing is getting accomplished being angry. We hugged alot and held hands. I let her give me a backrub as she has been wanting to do this for awhile. Sitting there watching TV I gave her a kiss on the lips. I don't know what I was thinking I just knew I wanted to do it...so I did. She looked at me funny and then looked kind of awkward. I don't care. No implications...I just saw her in that instance and felt like kissing her. I know she can never probably do the same for me, but I don't care. I still have feelings for her and probably always will. I just want to get through this and move on. I know in the long run she will not be there for me. But I would like for her to look back on this and think that I was at least a decent man.

Been separated for 1 month now. I just packed up some bare minimals and moved in with my parents. She started saying that she has fallen out of love with me and doesn't find me attractive anymore. That was the last straw and I moved out. I also filed for divorce but state law requires a 60-day "cool-down" period. I called her back to tell her I was coming for the rest of my stuff. She says that she misses me and feels insecure in an empty house by herself. I miss her too, but I can't go back to the way she has been treating me. I had some bad depression for about 3 weeks where I wouldn't eat anything. I'm back to normal appetite wise, but she consumes my thoughts. I know I can't go back to the disrepect that she put me through, but I get the feeling that she is testing the waters for interest still. How can someone say such mean things and then miss me? I work out and read constantly. Mentally and intellectually I feel like I'm bettering myself. Anyone have any tips for getting over this funk?

Nice to hear from you. Sorry about your situation.

I think she just wants a warm body, unfortunately. Still all about her.

So, what have you done to change your day to day? Did you find something to volunteer in? That's my #1 suggestion. More than anything else, it brings you out of a funk. Psychologists recommend it all the time. You change your pattern, you spend time with something you're passionate about, you meet people who share your interests, make new friends and maybe a woman, you see that there are other people (or things) in worse shape than you so you get some perspective, and best - you make the world a better place.

Here is a great place to go to find what you're interested in, and get started.

Doesn't want kids.
Needs a career to be fulfilled.
Angry and disrespectful.
Beautiful.
Intelligent.
Pleases and pleasures herself.
Kind, fun, and caring - to others.
Indifferent to your needs.
So Sex and the City.

I wonder how many like women there are like this out there? Poisoned by the excesses of feminism? There's no *need* to meet a man's needs. In fact it's undignified to do so. So fifties. Being the little wifie. Men are laughable.

My W was like that. So it seemed to me. We'd have separated if we hadn't had kids. Our M is OK now, and I'd be happy to tell you what worked for me. It involves a lot of standing up for yourself. See how she responded when you were about to leave?

But you're young, with no kids, and divorcing, and I can't say I disagree with your choice.

Good luck. Ever considered a non-western woman?

Yes, I hear you. Her friends watch the show. Unfortunately she will tell me how metally unstable her best friend is, then take her advice regarding relationships. I got tried being 2nd tier compared to her friends and really didn't think I needed to be anyway. I believe that her friends had infulence on her decisions too. My wife dry heaved and sobbed uncontrollablly when I gave her the divorce papers. She told me this weekend "I just don't think we are going to work". So what part of my actions indicate that this is a drama-fest which is trying to get her affection? What is her reality regarding I don't want unhealthy people in my life? Part of my believes that her friends are telling her how much better she is without me (because they aren't really happy themselves and enyoy watching others suffer) and the other knows that she is making a severe mistake. And the drama is so "Sex and the City". How romantic, Hollywood, and Jane Austin. Unfortanely the trauma for me is unbearable...and I would never put her through something like this. It's simply not what spouses would do to each other. I can be romantic..but cruel? I don't think that is an option for me.

Oh and tell me your advice too. Went to pick up my stuff and we had the most passionate sex in 6 years. I know that the "I'm not attracted to you" and "I'm not in love with you anymore" is just a ploy for other symptoms. I actually had a rock-star attitude...teased and flirting with her relentlessly. By the end of the night she was putty. Apparently what she possesses is not attractive to her. And the tension of me being gone, unavailable and ready to move on made her desire me again. It's just confusing to me. Apparently I'm not marriage material.