Then you would have your answer.

OH, that would tell you that he's not enthusiastic, right? You said that you're working not to SD him. He's not going to be enthusiastic about everything. That's not your problem to solve, remember? You have a plan for that.

From here, that doesn't sound like abuse to me, but like a starting point. Maybe you would be willing to make a thoughtful request, or ask him what would make him enthusiastic.

Seventeen pages and how many months into this thread now, and seeking clarity in an open manner still seems so elusive. It's not nagging or abusive to merely ask, "Did you get the letter I left in your suitcase? Do you have any thoughts about it that you'd like to share?".

That's it. Two questions. No judgments. It will tell you far more than you seem to know now.

But my answer to what? The letter itself? The marriage in total? My method of delivery?

I guess I would have to make a thoughtful request at that time and just ask him if he would share with me what's on his mind. If he says "no" then I guess I have some decisions to make.

I did try to be very consistent with the boundaries I outlined in the first letter. I think I even said that "I expected no less than for us to be in love with each other" when I outlined a mutual goal. I don't think that is a selfish demand at all. In fact, I used Steve's wording almost verbatim!

Weird... I can't edit my own post. I guess there are still some bugs after the outage. Anyway OH, I meant to say, "Seventeen pages and how many months into your situation?...".

LOL. Leave it to a guy to just cut to the chase and through all this female second-guessing crap!

But it's not that simple Seabird. I really drew my line in the sand with the first letter. My marriage as it was when he got on that plane is dead to me. I won't go back to it. So the question becomes--will he work with me on a new marriage, one that is healthy, with mutual respect, romantic love, enthusiastic agreement, etc.

Yup, we're all discovering each other's deepest darkest secrets about spelling inabilities and typing deficiencies.

How is what I'm suggesting a violation of that personal boundary? You're not helping him by asking those two questions. The point is merely a request for information so that you can make your plans and move forward.

Just got an email from him---it was one of those mass forward things of a funny video. But what it means is that he's somewhere where he's got internet access. Where he is staying, he does not have internet access so if we miss each other by phone--(and I've not called him other than to return his calls), email is the only other way we've been communicating.

So back to wait and see mode for a bit. Seabird you have a point but I'm at work right now so a phone call is not the right timing. The 3 hour time difference presents a bit of a challenge too.

Second guessing is not a female only trait. Not by a longshot. But anyway, I think you can make it easier on yourself by preparing for the answer he may give to you. If he says no or refuses to answer the question, your answer is no, so how are you going to respond? If he says yes, how are you going to know that he is sincere and not just trying to string you along?

I know you've already address these questions, but restating them in your head may help. I think it's best to make this as unemotional as possible for yourself. Much easier said then done, but don't let your emotions change the decision you know is that right answer.

No, OH, I didn't mean that there were SDs in your letter. I mean, that he may not respond to the letter, and you said that you were done trying to get him to do things your way. Like responding in one specific way to the letter.

If he says no, that he doesn't want to share his thoughts on the letter, that in itself doesn't mean that he doesn't plan to take the action steps that you outlined in the letter. Wouldn't you want to clarify that instead of assuming?

Second email just came through--he was actually at a friend's house last night (with internet access--though that doesn't mean he was on the computer),not at his uncle's house. But the email addressed some housekeeping stuff I sent this AM---about the kids, etc.--the one where I just mentioned I was hoping to talk to him last night. We only talked briefly yesterday afternoon when (against my better judgement as I've already said), I mentioned the possible ticking time bomb of a health issue and we agreed we'd talk later. But we never connected by phone. So his final couple of sentences outlined what he was planning to do today and then said he'd try to call at 4PM his time (7PM my time). I doubt he wants to even discuss the letter or email. It's going to be about the health issue.

So that leaves the ball back in my court--just where I do NOT want it right now. That was the purpose of the friggin' letter in the first place! Then I took Steve's advice and quantified my promises to change for the better. It was an addendum to the letter. I don't think it should be incumbent upon me to bring it up. Again.

I have no clue Ears. He's been claiming he's tired of talking to me because I throw his words in his face or just don't listen. I'm hesitant to talk to him because it's like trying to wrestle a bulldozer out of the way. Written communication is easier and more comfortable for me. I've mentioned that to him several times with a polite request that he try to work with me on this one since face to face was too uncomfortable for me. He wouldn't budge. At first he would say he did NOT want to converse by email/letter. Then he just started to ignore everything I sent to him. If I asked him about it, he would go right back to "but I told you I don't want these emails flying back and forth anymore".

This is his freaking marriage too. If he wants to run away and pretend it's not falling apart, this his choice. I don't think you are at all at fault to just tell him in email or on the phone that you will assume he has no interest in safing his marriage if he won't even address you.

He doesn't hold any cards here, you do. He either makes a move or forfeits his marraige. Be fair and let him know that's the choice he has to make, but don't take that choice away from him....IMO.

I hear you, OurHouse, that you're not enthusiastic about asking him the two questions Seabird posed. Maybe if you think on it today and tomorrow, some other options will come to you.

I hope you understand that those two questions are for -your- piece of mind and edification. Not his!

Here's the takeaway I get from the post I quoted above. The letter was a test to gage his seriousness and interest. You'd prefer that he would take the initiative to respond -somehow-. He hasn't, and now you're in limbo and frustrated.

Do you see how your state of mind is tied, not just to his actions, but his inactions as well. You're still waiting for him to do something before you are satisfied or content. So you get mad because he doesn't acknowledge the letter. You get mad that he doesn't call.

I think that you still have expectations and you're still trying to put your own happiness in his hands.

I think that you will continue to be dissatisfied as long as you wait on him (or anyone else for that matter) to act.

Seabird, dkd, you're both right. My expectations are coloring my actions and perceptions but yes, it is his marriage too. If he wants to stay married, he's going to have to assume some of the workload. I can't/won't do it all myself.

I started another reply that began with "I'm this freakin' close to just saying the hell with it" but I realize that I can't do that--yet. I need to determine two things. 1) how much of the load I'm going to have to carry and 2) am I willing to carry that weight?

I really don't have the answers to either. I do know I'm not going to carry the whole load. In a perfect world, I'd only have to carry 50%. Initially I might have to carry more than that and I'm willing to do that if there's a light at the end of the tunnel. But without input from him, I have no way of answering these questions.

I don't understand why you need to have that question answered first. I get the feeling you are trying to buy yourself some more time.


I know that's extremely hard to do, and 100 times easier to say.

You are missing another question that you need to answer for yourself: how long am I willing to wait for answers to those questions before I assume the worst and make decisions on that basis? Some people would tell you that your husband's silence indicates you should assume you are going to have to carry 100% of the load. If that is the case, are you willing to carry 100%? If not, how long are you going to wait for your husband to DISprove the 100% assumption? If you say "as long as I have to", then please revisit your answer as to whether you are willing to bear 100% of the load. Seems you are, even if you don't like it.

Not judging you. I carried 100% of the load for a long time. Then I dropped my end of the rope. I am more at peace. My wife is much less content. But neither of us has chosen to divorce. We may remain in this "limbo" for several more years. Trying to carry 100% of the load drove me nuts. Dropping the load has proven much less stressful, even if our marriage has not improved at all.

I thought you already answered it all. I thought you said that if he doesn't step up and do something, you will assume your marriage is over, cos you won't accept what you have now?