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That's all well and good, Guys, but did y'all get the whole story? Or at least what's been posted so far?
SIHW and I and some others have been trying to get BE to protect herself from this man. She was/is(?) on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
She desperately NEEDS to stay in Plan B and have NO CONTACT!!
As well as protect herself financially.
I am very worried about her.
Charlotte
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*sigh*
I am freaking done.
and surprisingly it's not what I thought would makes me fed up that makes me done.
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Well I didn't really do a plan A because when I found out he was leaving he left, no looking back.
He hasn't wanted to talk nice to me, I asked for counceling either together or for him to get help and he said no.
I tried very hard in the beginning to convince him to come home and try, that I could forgive and we could be better than ever.
He told me he will always love me, but needed to be alone.
Than I found out about the girlfriend and called him on it, he didn't admit it and I checked his cell records more called the number and confronted him.
I told him he was having a ea and I would forgive him, to please tell me what he wanted or needed from me and he was mean and stated fog babble.
I have lost weight and look alot better, but the only other thing he says was that I don't like to golf or hike, and that has never been a problem before.
I have been working on not only myself, but my relationships with all the people in my life and I have made it very clear to him that I love him and would do anything to help him.
I am in plan b because every time I talk to him he says such mean things and hurts me more than I thought possible.
I filed for divorce on advise from people here who said he isn't coming back anyway so get on with your life.
I don't want to live without him, but I don't have a choice and I have to try and get over it.
I wuld do anything to get him to come home, but he isn't going to.
He went golfing with one son today and told him he misses our life, but he hasn't tried to contact me at all, what am I supposed to do?
Filing was a step to getting support and moving forward.
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So what should I do now try and talk to him ro wait and hope he tried to talk to me?
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Joined: Nov 2008
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BE please please. Listen to everyone giving you advice. I know you love your WH and it can make you act irrationally. I feel for you. I was a mess before i found mb. Crying to him , begging. I love my husband, I am not ready to date, I would love the chance to save my marriage.
PLan b, Plan b. Please if you dont want a divorce, why are you filing? Plan B will protect you from all the mean things waywards say. believe me ive heard it and it hurts.
so if you want to save your marriage please PLAN B. to save your sanity. I dont even know if my marriage will be saved but being in plan b has helped me be strong and my WH hasnt filed for divorce. Let WH do the dirty work if he wants a divorce. Why the rush.
Are you really ready to move on? I know I am using this time to work on myself and am glad i didnt rush into divorce because I want to give my marriage every chance that I can give it and if it doesnt work at least I used the time to work on myself and know that I waited as long as i could.
Plan B was a life saver for me. Literally. Hang in there I feel you pain. It will get a little better over time.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. 
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even if your marriage isnt saved. you will at least be able to look back and know that you didnt give up too soon. that you tried the best you could.
Thats what is helping me.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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Well I didn't really do a plan A because when I found out he was leaving he left, no looking back. They all do this -- this is NOT a unique situation
He hasn't wanted to talk nice to me, I asked for counceling either together or for him to get help and he said no.Talking R will do you no good -- he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him only you --fog babble.
I tried very hard in the beginning to convince him to come home and try, that I could forgive and we could be better than ever. YOu are doing all the begging, pleading whining -- opposite what MB tells you -- Have you read the WHOLE book.
He told me he will always love me, but needed to be alone.
Than I found out about the girlfriend and called him on it, he didn't admit it and I checked his cell records more called the number and confronted him. And why do you expect him to tell you the truth. He is an alien - they lie.
I told him he was having a ea and I would forgive him, to please tell me what he wanted or needed from me and he was mean and stated fog babble.
I have lost weight and look alot better, but the only other thing he says was that I don't like to golf or hike, and that has never been a problem before. fog babble, any excuse
I have been working on not only myself, but my relationships with all the people in my life and I have made it very clear to him that I love him and would do anything to help him. again no R talk. He does not want your help. He thinks you are the problem.
I am in plan b because every time I talk to him he says such mean things and hurts me more than I thought possible.
I filed for divorce on advise from people here who said he isn't coming back anyway so get on with your life.
I don't want to live without him, but I don't have a choice and I have to try and get over it. You do have a choice -- we decide how we control OUR own actions.
I wuld do anything to get him to come home, but he isn't going to. You need to be positive
He went golfing with one son today and told him he misses our life, but he hasn't tried to contact me at all, what am I supposed to do? Make a plan and follow it. What is your goal???
Filing was a step to getting support and moving forward.
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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Who exactly told you he was gone and told you to file for divorce?
I don't remember saying that?
sorry i would have posted sooner but I just got back from urgent care. Nice trying to find a doc in the box on a sunday so you don't have to go to the waaaay over priced hospital.
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I don't remember who told me to file does it matter I did it, and now I don't know what to do.
He doesn't want to talk to me or he would call, he saw one son today and said he misses family dinners and having people to watch tv with ect..., but he didn't say he misses me
He told his best friend that ow got a boyfriend and changed her plans , but that I don't belive him, how the hell would he know that?
Maybe this has nothing to do with ow and he just doen't want to be with me anymore I don't know, but I need a plan, do I call him, or just wait and see what happens?
Last edited by stillbrowneyes; 03/29/09 11:14 PM.
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Stop and listen to your self....your turning hysterical.....he doesn't love ME....he doesn't ask about ME......does he miss ME
Waywards only think about themselves and rarely about their family.....thus why they make STUPID decisions.....every wayward involved in a situation on this board is the SAME WAY.
Unless you calm down and think rationally....you are gonna make things worse....most waywards pull away when they see or hear about a clingy spouse....You need to start work ON you and start portraying a stronger woman.
Stop and uses your brain....God gave you one for a reason.
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I don't remember who told me to file does it matter I did it, and now I don't know what to do. Call the lawyer and see if H responds -- do nothing.
He doesn't want to talk to me or he would call, he saw one son today and said he misses family dinners and having people to watch tv with ect..., but he didn't say he misses me He is a WAYWARD -- stop waiting for him, to call, to stop by, to say he loves you..this sometimes can be a long process.
He told his best friend that ow got a boyfriend and changed her plans , but that I don't belive him, how the hell would he know that? If you are in Plan B NO ONE should be giving you this info.
Maybe this has nothing to do with ow and he just doen't want to be with me anymore I don't know, but I need a plan, do I call him, or just wait and see what happens? All you are doing is second guessing yourself. DO NOT call him, give him space, give yourself space, think of what YOU want -- not reacting off of him. You are making yourself crazy worrying about him. Work on yourself. stay focused and stop asking about him.
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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Hi everyone,
Just stopped in to update. It has been 10 weeks since I have seen him and over 2 weeks since we have talked.
I am still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that my marriage is over, and trying to find a way to understand how he could walk away from 25 years, a house, retirement, 3 kids and a great life to live in an apartment and be broke.
\ I understand that there must have been somethings in out marriage that made him unhappy, but why after all that time together didn't he tell me so we could work on it?
I have been taking an attidepressent, but so far it isn't working and I still cry everyday.
I feel a little stronger, but I still wait for the day he tries to come home, and yet I know I will never get that chance.
I love him so much and I know we could work alll this out, but he is not the least bit interested in our life together and wants to try life on his own.
I wonder how someone chooses to pay so much money and give up everything they have worked for rather than try.
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So have you started using the intermediary we talked about?
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Yes My sister called him this week ans asked if he filed our taxes and he said not yet thinking of filing an extention, but he text me on the 15th and said taxes filed and paid.
I didn't respond.
While he talked to my sister he asked about Easter and what we did and he asked how I was, she said I worked on Easter and then we had a party, and I was doing great.
He called my boys yesterday and asked if they wanted to see the A's game with him tonight and they agreed, first time in 3 moinths, only to find out they are in Toronto, He hasn't called back them back yet.
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Ok first thing....you need to STOP over analyzing things....I know you are depressed but searching and over thinking every bit will get you no where....it's like when doctors say don't self diagnose.
After reading about your sisters interactions with him I have a suggestion and something positive to say.
The suggestion first....have your sister reitterate to him....she is the intermediary and he needs to only go through her...she is your filter. He does not call you I repeat....HE DOES NOT CALL YOU. Did you ever write a plan b letter? If not you should and outline that she is your intermediary.....there are some great posts on here that outline fabulous plan b letters.
Secondly.....I know you think he doesn't care.....but if he didn't why would he be asking other people about you? He sounds like he's got guilt on his shoulders......he's reaching out to the boys....do they mind that....if it bothers them maybe he should go through the intermediary about making plans with them....but it has to be their decision.
My email in on my profile. Feel free to email me any time.
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Like SIHW says, you are over analyzing things--trying to understand something that is not understandable. You need to move forward with your life Browneyes and stop waiting for your H to come back. Maybe in time he will but after the way he has treated you why would you even want him? There are so many great guys in the world who would appreciate you and not treat you with such disregard.
I know it is hard because of all the years you have invested in the relationship but, grief is a process to get through--not a state in which to linger. You are very needy and I'm not saying that to try to hurt you but just to open your eyes to that. That COULD be part of the reason H was not happy--I don't know but it is a possibility.
You need to show that you are a stong person and you have made good progress. But, show H that you don't need him because really, you don't.
Keep your chin up--you are doing well and the intermediary will help a great deal.
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SBE,
Ok, call me an unsympathetic male, but you said "the marriage is over." Yet it is YOU that is ending this marriage. It is YOU that did not do anything to address the issues in the marriage except to say you "love him". It is you that is committing DJ's, disrespectful judgements. It is you that has given up.
All of this is YOUR call. Your H's behavior is his to own, but he is not the one that filed for divorce. You have not had to force him to support you or the kids. He says he needs time, I am sure he could have handle many things better including not having an EA.
But, it you that has not taken ANY actions other than to file for divorce while claiming you love him and want the marriage. Even to a fogged out WS mind, this does not make sense.
You are not to blame for his decision to have the affair and move out. But, you have not done much to save this marriage and now you are the one that is ending it, which makes me wonder if your lack of response to this issue reflects how you have responded to other issues in your marriage. You need to really think about this and then if it is true you do want to be married to your H, you need to change how you have been handling things.
Please think about this all very carefully and stop the "woe is me" responses.
God Bless,
JL
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+1
The one who ends the marriage is the one who files for divorce. Let's be honest about who owns what in a marriage and the end of the marriage.
The marriage is not over until someone files for divorce and pursues that action to it's final approval by a judge.
Affairs don't cause divorce, filing cases does.
So let's be intellectually honest about what ends marriages, and it's choosing divorce.
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okay look, he is the best man I know when he is not foggy, but since this seperation 3 months ago he hasn't said one nice thing and so I was advised to plan b I did.
I would love to save this marriage but in my book he moved out 3 months ago, we haven't seen each other in 10 weeks, he has made no effort to see or talk to me what aM I supposed to do.
I am a strong women, I am just bowled over by the change in him, we talked about everything and yes I got depressed when I lost my job and going through menopause didn't help, but I am not needy and weak just desdtoyed by the change in his attitude towards me.
We didn't have issues in our marriage that we couldn't talk about until he decided to talk to her instead of me, this is what happeded last time, but then the kids were small so he came home to try.
Now he says he shouldn't have come home then so I filed.
I am not getting support even though he said he would and how do you go on with your life if you are waiting forever.
What do you think I should do, call him and listen to more of his fog babble or stand strong and leave.
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also although it is not the right way I was hoping he might realize what he is about to loose and shake him up enough to at least talk. I do love him and I know he loved me.
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