Aw..... *sniff* that's beautiful!!!!!

H returns on Tuesday. It's all well and good to say that the distance has forged some positive things (at least on my end) and that I realize that I own 50% of the marriage so therefore, am capable of improving 50% of it.

However......(which is just a fancy term for "but"). H is coming back and now the devil is in the details. I wrote him a letter that clearly outlined some boundaries and limits and while we've addressed the fact that he GOT the letter and READ it, we have not discussed what was IN it.

So..stress factor #1.

Then there are other things--mostly categorized as LBs. But how do I approach him with things such as:

1) it's been so pleasant having the TV *off* for the most part since he's been gone. I can run the dishwasher after dinner and he doesn't complain about the noise spilling over into the family room. The kids are interacting with each other instead of just mindlessly sitting with him watching another episode of NCIS (which I have to then chase DD9 from the room because I think it's inappropriate for her). We used to have a 'no TV rule' during the week but over the past few years, it's eroded because H won't help me out here.

2. I'm pre-stressing (yes, I've coined a new term) over his computer time as well. A typical day is H on the computer almost all day, breaking for lunch (in front of the TV) and breaking for the gym. Nothing (repair wise) gets done around the house during the week--possibly on weekends, but not likely. Yes, we're renting since we had to sell our house and I agree I don't have the same drive that ownership gives you, but there are still things to do, yard to keep up, rooms we want painted, etc.

3. I'm pre-stressing the alcohol issue.

4. I'm pre-stressing the job issue.


I am thinking: ok, I'm going to continue to be aware of my LBs and eject them from my life. No manipulations which are really SDs in disguise. No overriding or getting around decisions re: the kids. Follow through on the things I noted for accountability and quantified. Financial honesty. Emotional honesty. Etc.

I'm going to just take the bull by the horns about the 15 hours of couple time a week. Harley recommends working up to this if it's fallen this far by the wayside and I will have to do that. I'm also going to just start planning stuff w/ the kids too. So that should also address some RC.

Admiration: check
SF: check

Advice? Help? Please?

Have you talked to Steve about this?

I've got to tell you, OH, that when I got to that point last, we were in MC, so I had a calm place to be O&H with him. I wans't enthusiastic about going home with him anymore. I dreaded driving home. A lot like SW, I avoided the house when he was home. I had a great time with my H just the two of us, and we had a great time the four of us, but our house had turned into a place I dreaded, because that's where the AOs were waiting lurking for me. Now I know that sounds irrational, and I was working on that. I was on ADs again and my IC said I wasn't even depressed. And going to my support group faithfully, working an online support porgram with jayne, and exercising a lot, almost everything that I knew how to do to improve my attitude. Everything except the total 100% consistency with boundaries.

My H was in MC with me finally, and my need to have him there so we could grow together became more important to me than upholding the boundaries. We were getting very emotionally intimate in the exercises we did in MC, and so I thought maybe I didn't need to enforce boundaries with him, because he was saying in the MC office that he got it that the AOs were hurting me. But still he justified them. "If I just stopped pushing his buttons" he said.

I told him in the safety of the MC office that I am no longer willing to work on this from within the home under hostile conditions. I know that counseling opens up raw emotions, and I'd made a commitment at the beginning of the sessions to see it through, and I would, but I could not keep forcing myself to drive home every day to that. The boundary enforcement I did do had me leaving the house several night a week already. To be willing to go back home, I needed a commitment from him that he would protect me from his hostility. I remember now I'm repeating myself; that I shared this with you already. Sorry.

I think this is very much the same thing that you were sying. The old pattern is dead. Being together in the home is a privilege, not a part of the vows I took. I believe sometimes "love honor and cherish" means to do that outside the home. It is not love repsect honor and cherishing to allow someone to mistreat you.

Thanks Ears. In my case, it's not so much the house per se. It's...our dynamic and how it's evolved. I have a fear that I will slip back into my old patterns. I hope that he will come back with a resolve to see things differently but the reality is that I'm the one here on MB, I'm the one who called Steve, I'm the one who has had the ephiphanys and I'm the one who wrote the letter with the boundaries.

I think I am feeling the weight of responsibility on my shoulders.

I would love to call Steve again but money is an issue. His aunt/uncle have helped us out several times over the past several years and I don't want to take more money from them. But they offered to front me airfare when I was bouncing around the idea of flying out there for his last few days and flying home with him. I ultimately decided that was not a good idea but I would be lying if I said I hadn't considered calling them up and asking them to front me the $$$ to pre-pay for 5 counseling sessions (qualify for that discount per session). It would be a relief to know I had those five sessions to fall back upon.

OH, to be honest with you, I think that's a valid concern to address. Who could you line up with to support you as you take this on? Does your job have an EAP? Do you have an IRL mentor who you would want to meet regularly face to face if professional counseling isn't an option? Do you have someone at the church like a lay minister or something who would meet with you regularly and you could call for extra support for you in your efforts?

The board is great, but it takes along time to type what you can say in two minutes.

I do have an EAP but that only covers---2 visits? And it wouldn't cover the Harleys right? I also have medical insurance and could certainly find a counselor who takes my insurance (one of the reasons I discontinued w/ our other MC and my IC--besides the fact I felt neither was healthy for me or our marriage). But the daunting task of finding a counselor/coach and screening him/her to see if he/she is a believer in MB principles--well, it's more time than I'd like to spend right now.

How about asking someone non-professional to fill in temporarily until you get a professional lined up? Do you know someone who's made it through the trial by fire and made it through together to the other side? Maybe you want to call out to LA or one of the other vets? I don't know if she does that or not.

I think ideal would be someone at church or in the neighborhood who knows your family, and you can trust to keep it confidential. I've found the long time married folks I've met do follow MB concepts without exception, even though they've never heard of MB.

I think I will post here to start--H isn't coming home until Tuesday evening. Hopefully some of the helpful vets who have been dispensing advice all along will stop by this thread. I am trying to figure out a graceful way to call aunt/uncle to see if they might help me out w/ the $$$ for the Harleys. H has said he is done with counselors, has no interest in "self help" (his words) books or websites, so while I'm not calling that issue with him "dead", for now it is. That means it will be just me on the next phone call to Steve--and potentially beyond. I recognize the 50% rule--it's a weighty responsibility that has me on edge and I'm doubting my own ability to follow through in a constructive manner.

Now, see, the way I look at it, you basically gave him a Plan B letter. You told him what you can accept in this marriage going forward. You told him basically not to come back if he's not willing to accept what you have to have.

If he comes back and ignores said things, you have the obligation to help him pack up. I'm sorry, but it's true. He may love you, miss you, even mean well. But if you don't stick to your boundaries - which have been very clearly stated in 2 letters - he will NEVER try again. He will subconsciously just take over and stay the person he has become.

IIWY, I would take your conditions, put each one in big bold letters on a piece of paper, and print them all out. Then tape them up to the kitchen cabinets or bathroom mirrors, so that HE knows that YOU know that HE knows he has a long list of improvements to make.

If he has an issue with you doing that, then he never intended to change in the first place. Time to move out.

JMHO. This is your ONE shot left at getting it right.

I think that knowing H is coming home next week and this is where the rubber meets the road, plus other stuff I'm letting get to me has contributed to this gray cloud I have hanging over my head. ::

I am absorbing some of the stress/guilt that DS15 feels over breaking up with girlfriend. DS18 got waitlisted by his first choice school. He was rejected by his 2nd choice and accepted by all the others--so far--he's still waiting to hear from 1 more. Choice #1 and 3 (and the one he's still waiting on) are all in NC and he wants to go down there for a spring open house at the school where he was accepted and hopefully re-visit the others too. But to complicate matters, he got an extremely generous financial aid package from a west coast school --one which he hasn't personally seen yet (it's just not possible for the kids to see every school--this one had an combination business/environmental engineering program that he was interested in). And it's not like it would be unheard of to accept/enroll without seeing the school but best case scenario would have us being able to afford a trip out there during our April vacation week. Given that I'm not even sure we can afford the drip (even driving!) to North Carolina--and all the other money woes.

Ugh.

I'm just venting.

I vented via email to H this AM. Was very careful not to DJ, SD or whine. But no response. That contributed to the gray cloud too. I told him in the email that I didn't need a solution but I would love for a virtual hug or even a pat on the shoulder and a "there-there".

Yup, Cat you are right. And his (so far) lack of a response to this morning's email has been a nice wake-up slap to the face.

STILL NO EDIT FUNCTION!!!!!!!!

Meant to add---I can only buy his "I don't want to converse via email" stand for so much. How terrible or awful would it be to send back an email that says "sorry you're having a tough day".?

Here's what I wrote:

I'm headed into the shower in about 5 min. Just got home from the gym. Decided to take 1/2 day vacation today (told them earlier this week) as I'd previously committed to working in DD9's classroom and need to be there @ 2PM.


I'm having a very "down" day. I know I'm needlessly absorbing some of the stress DS15 is feeling about (gf) and projecting that. You don't have to comment if you think it's silly. It probably is but there's nothing I can do about the way I'm feeling. DS18's waitlist added to that. The job was just a drag this AM---had 3 appts cancel out on me---and of course I've yet to score a commission and I keep thinking about how much money that would have been at (prev job) and am regretting that decision.

Nothing is making me very happy today. I'm going to spare you the laundry list because everything just spills over into everything else and it's all one big gray, depressing blob.

I'd like to see you be able to recover and deal with having a bad day without his lack of response contributing to it. I think this is important OH.

OH, are you sure he's gotten to read his email and respond yet? Also, you didn't ask him to respond and comfort you, you're just expecting that he knows that's what you want. We it be bad to add "I could really using a comforting word from you right now." Not only would he then know exactly what you want, but he'd probably feel pretty good that you asked him too, that you consider his comfort as a help.

And I think Seabird's right too. It sounds like you are somewhat using this bad day to test him. It would be better to consider his response, or lack there of, as either a plus or a neutral.

That's what I was thinking, too - you have no idea if he's even read it, and you should never base your happiness on what he does in response.

I had meant to add in my post that if you did put up those requirements on the wall, be sure to put yours, too - the things you have promised to work on.

OH, this is just a moment in time. You have a long term plan already, right? Do you remember it?


BAck away, OH, this isn't yours. You make the thoughtful request, and then up to him to decide. You haven't even made the request yet. "How would you feel about replying to me in a way that you're comfortable this morning?"

Do you think you have a touch of the blues? Would it be a lifestyle issue thing? How's your self-care? How much exercise are you getting?

Yes, everyone, you are right. I am making a bigger deal of this than necessary. It's probably partially hormonally driven and partially situationally driven. When my kids have stress and disappointment, I really tend to internalize that and take it on myself and I shouldn't.

I came back from volunteering in DD9's classroom and there was in fact an email from him. I wish it had said more but as you have all correctly pointed out, I didn't specifically ask for anything. And his response is basically what I would expect--and I dont' mean that in a bad way. He's 3000 miles away and I'm dumping on him via email!

So he said "sorry you're having a bad day. Hopefully going in as classroom Mom in DD9's class lifted your spirits a bit. Is there anything I can do to help?"

So I did answer and I made a thoughtful request--I asked him to just let me vent, to just listen and be there.

I'm still feeling blue but I'm not feeling like I want to pull a Thelma and Louise anymore.

OH - Have you considered getting a consult with a physician? I mean a real MD with the authority to prescribe meds?

Honestly, I see his response as very positive and supportive. Even if things were perfect between you two, that kind of reply over email is pretty good IMO. I gather from your reaction that it registers with you as barely adequate. He acknowledged your unhappiness, shared his hope that you're feeling better, and offered whatever assistance he can given his proximity.

The way you describe taking on everyone else's unhappiness, and then the veiled reference to suicide, serious or not, suggests to me that there's more going on than dissatisfaction with your marriage.

I'm not trying to be derisive. I'm just asking you not to rule out the possibility that there might be something physiological at play here.