Well, my day got better, mostly because I had an excellent appointment with my IC, who has really helped me process the feelings associated with this betrayal.

So, my day got better; had a wonderful day with my kids. A lazy day, but a wonderful day.

Still processing what I'm feeling. My IC wants me to look at better connecting with anger over all of his actions -- not act on them in an unhealthy or destructive way, just get in touch with them.

I wish I had something more exciting to report, but hopefully it will be sufficient for all reading here, that today, at least, I am recognizing that I am better off than he; better than his ho lover and in the long run will have a better life because of my choices and my willingness to feel all of these sh*tty feelings now.

All hail, the mighty rollercoaster.....

BF --
Please, please keep posting about your sessions with IC. It seems to really help you validate your feelings and it has a "second hand" effect on me. Thank you so much for sharing!!

I will keep posting, holyheart, but I wonder do you have an IC yet? It is hugely helpful in ways that the boards, friends and family cannot. Many of my friends are even therapists and are great help as friends, but they cannot fill the same role as my fab IC!
Take care!!!!

I've been considering calling back the one I went to last year. But she wasn't as insightful as the one you have. Or perhaps I was just TOO focused on WH (new name "[censored]") and the A and not enough on me.

Your IC seems to really know her stuff. Maybe I need to shop around to find one like yours.

Kind of like Dancing Machine and her Shiny attorney.

BF,

Sorry if my last post upset you. I'm just calling it like I see it. I certainly could be wrong. But, it doesn't do you any good at all to be in denial about what he is doing either. Remember, you are going to be proactive now and not reactive...right? You must protect your interests as well as the childrens. Don't just blindly follow his lead through the D process. I still think the 401k thing was a HUGE mistake.

Glad to hear that you had a good IC appointment. You are still going to have many ups and downs. Keep hanging in there.

Mindshare

1. He IS wayward.
2. He DID love you.
3. He IS foggy.
4. He ONLY knows what he THINKS is best for HIM.
5. You will NEVER see the GOOD of ALL of this. It's wrong.
6. You are closer to reality than he is by a mile.

This is STINKIN THINKIN. Stop that. Your WH is no different from the 100s that have been described on MB. He is a selfish, entitled, self-absorbed wayward who thinks of no one but himself.

That is why it is so IMPORTANT that you get an attorney who TRULY looks out for your's and the family's best interest. I'm so glad you have an IC that is helping. I see you getting stronger.

If your WH came to his senses tomorrow, he would probably be APPALLED at his actions. But I sense that it would be too late because YOU are moving on and getting over him. Your LB is approaching the RedZone.

Your post upset me, mindshare, because it was something I hadn't let myself recognize and feel - not because it was hurtful on your part. Once I processed those feelings and gave myself permission to be sad, I could move forward. Thank you for your posts-- I truly appreciate the range of support I get here!!!

Yes. I know you can't fathom how someone who once loved you can behave this way but BELIEVE ME they can and do behave this way.

While in my foggiest state -- I truly believed I could manipulate my BH into a friendly divorce. We could use a mediator to save costs.
I planned that nobody would know about OM until I had "safely" divorced for a few months. Then I would introduce him as a new relationship. (I really thought I could pull this off)
I had to manage BOTH my BH and my OM...and it was quite a tightrope.
Exposure blows away this fantasy! Thats why it is SO important that everyone know EXACTLY who and what that OW is!

I also thought that everyone would calm down and be happy for me. Maybe not BH, but I thought we would be friends and friendly co-parents. But I did think my family, friends, and children would accept OM.

I truly SHUDDER to think what my life would be like if my plan had worked! UUUUUUWWWWWWW.

Anyways BF -- this is why some elements of the MB plan are SO IMPORTANT! You need to chip away at the fantasy! He really needs to understand that you won't cooperate with a friendly divorce, that you won't be his FRIEND or even cordial after divorce, and that bringing OW into his world is going to FAIL.

Thank you, also, princessmeggy! Because this process seems to be barreling toward D, I sometimes forget that he is a mess and I not. I'm grieving, but I'm not a mess!

I'm in an unusual B now. We still use the IM, but not in all cases. I feel strong enough to break B on my terms as I need to help me with the kids or house so that I can move forward.

I don't feel like I'm doing it to get a "fix" -- I feel like I am doing it because it's what I need and want. I am also able to do it with spectacular plan b emotionalessness!!!
Yesterday I texted him a very matter of fact statement about some of what I was feeling (as my ic had encouraged) and it felt great to give feedback to him without anger without tears and without any expectation of him getting it. Sharing what I shared was just for me.
I am shifting to where what is best for me and the kids is the only driving force.
I'll post more later because I am supposed to see him some today to take care of the car title, and I'm in the middle of a pedicure!!!

BF,

Whatever his reasoning, it's faulty. Period.

He wants to "pretend" the M isn't ending because of anything HE did, or is responsible for...

He will "pretend" to bring OW out of the wings as a brand new relationship and everyone will believe him...

He will "pretend" life will be hunky dory once he gets his precious D and life with OW will be sublime...

Until NONE of those things work out like he's fantasizing.

Game over.

Except for BF and her kids, who will still be holding their heads up high...

Just hadda stop in and let you know you've got my admiration and my .

RHW

I think that this is very good advice. I am not a veteran but the day that I found out about my husband's affair he said that he wanted a divorce because he didn't think that I would ever get over it and forgive him. I had called the OW and threatened her with full exposure to her husband. I told her that I had all the evidence that her husband needed to get a real nice divorce. We live in a fault state. She immediately texted my husband to never contact her again and asked him to tell me to leave her alone-like I was going to listen to him at this point lol. No contact was established that night. I did end up exposing her to her husband as well. No reason she should get away with what she had done. I told him the next day that if he wanted a divorce, he would have to file and I would fight him with everything that I could think of. I promised him the ugliest, messiest divorce he has ever imagined. I told him that I would file BK (this would ruin his security clearance). I told him that I wanted to stay married and if he wanted a divorce he was in for the fight of his life. He looked at me with amazement. We haven't really discussed divorce since. I am one of the fortunate ones. My husband stayed and has been working on our marriage with me. I think he is genuine. I don't think that he stayed out of fear. In the beginning it may have been a little of the reason. I didn't care because I wanted a chance to restore our marriage. We still have our rough days but they are becoming fewer and farther apart. He has since told me that I saved our marriage because I wouldn't give up. He said that he was spiralling out of control and saw no solution. He never thought that I would fight for him like that and it has helped us.

Just a quick update, everyone. So much is going on, I'm not sure when I'll have time to post it all.

Well, I met with a lawyer awhile ago and now have her retained. WH signed his up the week after and now it feels like things are moving very quickly. We both have paperwork to fill out about assets and debts and our history. I have a very hard time completing any of the paperwork (I just cry), but I'm supposed to get it down by early next week for my lawyer.

We have our first 'collaborative' meeting on the 30th. My lawyer has 2 rooms reserved so if I am not comfortable seeing him, I won't have to.

But, here's the other news: We were having a little more direct contact because I am trying to buy a van, because the lovely car he bought me this summer("oh, you are so sweet, WH! I get the new car??!!") is way too small for me and the kids. So, he met me at one dealership, but I just focused on the job at hand. We didn't make a car deal, so we have been going back and forth via email and even some direct conversations.

After that, he came over to help with yard work (my kids were over the moon to hang out with their dad like that, btw)and he stayed for dinner. Next day, one of our best mutual friends was over from out of state, he saw him there and WH stayed again for dinner. Of course he asked me in the most pitiful way and I said yes, feeling like, I am strong enough to deal with him.
We had a LB'ing argument later about the kids, so anything good was lost. I did have contact with him the next day and set some limits on how he talked to me and he was all apologetic.

Did anyone else have that experience with a WS -- my WH has sworn at me and even said 'f u' in some of our worst arguments since he's moved out -- something he NEVER did earlier in our marriage. It is totally like he is angry at me for wanting the marriage, for not accepting his version of reality about our lives and the kids.

So where we are is still pretty much limited to no contact, except for quick exchanges about the kids, house or finances. I am trying to stay strong and if I happen to have contact, no relationship talk, keep it light, but also no EN getting met there. We go to look at a van tonight and I am hoping to be done. Then we have the kids' sporting events and some doctor appointments that we both attend.

I guess I am still in B, but the contact over certain issues is now just more direct. He said he'd use the IM if I wanted and I said I was fine for now, but if I felt uncomfortable I would initiate using her or another again.

I don't know what is the best for others, but I feel like I am doing what's best for me at this point because I need his help some with the yard, and kids and to finalize this car purchase.

I can easily drift back into no contact and I definitely think he can't be getting many needs met by me. I just am being a little pragmatic right now and feel strong enough to handle this level.

IDK, it doesn't seem to matter since we are barreling to D and the only ones who seem to care are me and the kids. There are days I just want it over. There is a part of me that feels like he has to justify his affair by having a D, because that will mean he was 'right.' I think what he is thinking also is that I will be his best friend and coparent. What he doesn't understand is that although, I need a little help right now and have him around some, but if he completes the D, we will not be friends, we will not hang out -- I will need to go so dark to protect myself from the pain he might never see me again.

Is there someone else you could have help you with yard work and looking at vans? He may think you'll still be friends because that's the impression you've left him with...
He definitely should not be swearing at you, any contact should be done with respect and limitations, esp. with kids around! Keep note of this for the attorney.

Yes, I do need to have others help and will do so. I believe that Plan B is for the BS and it helped me tremendously to have the distance and space from him.
However, we are headed to D and the only reason I am taking part in the process is to protect myself, my kids and my financial future. In this state, nothing is gained by stating that one does not desire a divorce and put everything on the WS. It would just end up costing me a boatload of money.
I have continued to reiterate that I do not desire a divorce, but after this weekend and a few brief, non-relationship conversations, it struck me how self-absorbed he still is.
I can now have direct contact to discuss the things I said I would (kids, house, finances) but otherwise have little to do with him.
He is not my 'pal' he is my husband and he has been hurting me for months now. I firmly believe that I have the right to change my mind and adjust my boundaries as needed. I have already let him know that direct contact is fine as long as it is fine for me. I will change it as needed and I think what I need right now is re-limit the time he is around me or at the house. He doesn't need to be there and I don't need to see him.

I don't know if my actions constitute a plan as others define it, but it has been the best I could do at any particular time.

I thought a lot last night about whether or not I was "strong" enough to have direct contact with WH. I think what I cannot handle is having him around the house, behaving as though nothing has changed or worse, that I am ok with what he's doing by having him in the house.

I decided that I need to move him back out of my life. He is still foggy and even if we are headed to D, I need to stay focused on me and the kids. When he's around, it seems to be all about him and I'm tired of that.

If I see him, I am ok, like at kids' events, but I don't need to hang out with him by any means.

Here's the question: should I just ease back into no direct contact or should I be more formal? I would really appreciate feedback, especially from veterans.

Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself because I feel like I have no plan. My friends want me to go to plan F U, but I don't feel like I'm there, either! AARRRGHHH. Does this ever get easier or clearer?

Do it formally. In fact, I would send a certified, return-receipt letter to prove that you told him to stay away.

DO NOT STOP BEING MAD! I see you slipping back into feeling bad for him. For HIM!

Protect yourself.

BF,

I agree with Cat. We have had this discussion before. You should only be doing what is best for BF and the kids. Do not feel sorry for him and I know it's tough by try not feeling sorry for yourself either!

Why would you want him around your house at all right now? After what he has done to you (and is continuing to still do)? You are stronger then that! I've seen the strength that you have. You are wavering right now but time to straighten that back up again and march forward.

Mindshare

You guys are right that I am waivering. Sometimes I feel sorry for him, but I also think its a control thing for me: if I invite him around, he won't be with her. They say they are not together, but, hey, if I've learned anything its that waywards lie.
Also, trying to control others is not a healthy behavior for me. I am trying to recover from this affair and while the pain not as acute as its been, the affair and the fallout still is a huge focus of my life.

I'll think about a formal letter and I'll think about other options for letting him know that its not healthy for me to be around him as he is now. I wish somedays I could just know that I don't want to see him at all and be done with his wayward b&tt.
For those who got to plan FU -- how did you get there? I feel so out of control of my life and I am tired of it!!!

Hello, I'm new here. Survived two A's already with H. I found out both times starting with my intuition, about three and a half years ago. I'm starting to have the same feeling I had the other two times...this time it will not work...so for his sake I hope not. Any advice. H is really trying to be extra careful this time..

My advice, Godspice, is that you start your own thread. You'll get far more feedback from veterans than adding a question to mine.
Take care!!!