Hi, This is my first post. I need some support, feedback, advice or anything with my sitch.

My H and I have been married for 1 year and together for 4
years. We are both 50.

Sorry this is so long. I feel like I need to get all this out. This is my only support right now.

Background:

I was a widow with 2 married daughters when I met H and he was divorced with 2 teen sons. We fell madly in love, felt like teens, couldn't wait to see each other and couldn't stand to be apart at night. Neither one of us was ready to remarry so we decided to live together. I know, terrible mistake.

Right away I knew something was wrong but didn't know what. I knew that he was shy and I thought he would grow out of it as time went on. We got engaged DEC 06.

He did not initiate SF and acted like he could care less if we had SF or not. I felt undesired and was feeling deeply hurt especially when we would go to bed and he would turn his back on me. This is when our communication problems started. I confronted him with my feelings and he just sat there like a deer caught in headlights look and would not say anything. I waited for a response but he just stared at me. I said say something. He said what do you want me to say and he got up and started walking away from me. I got angry and went after him. He finally said that he loved me and desired me and that I shouldn't feel that way.

Things got better for awhile but it became a vicious cycle. I could not keep an emotional connection with him and I was frustrated.

I had a good relationship with his sons. I let S13 use my computer when he was here on the weekends and S16 (he lived with us) used it at times even though he had his own computer in the basement. I was shocked to discover porn on my computer and both of them said they didn't do it. When their dad got home from work I told him about my discovery and he said
that he didn't do it. Hmmmmmmm

I am anti-porn and I let H know that I was upset and did NOT want porn in the home and that one of them did it because I sure didn't. H went to talk to

the boys and S13 came to me and apologized for lying and said that he wouldn't do it again. I accepted his apology, hugged him and told him that I loved him. Our relationship has not been the same since.

H brought laptop home in Nov 07. He is a sports fanatic and would get on laptop from the time he got home from work until bedtime while watching sports, basically ignoring me. I would retreat to computer room to watch what I wanted on TV, read, or use computer. We had grown apart, no meaningful communication, no SF. No emotional connection, I was frustrated and felt alone. He seemed fine. No complaints from him.

While on laptop he was always playing solitaire or looking at boats when I would come in the room and just acted like he didn't want me around. He looked high.

One Saturday in December 07 he took laptop out to garage to look at pdf manual to fix something on his boat. He had been out there for hours and I decided to go visit my daughter. I stopped by the garage to tell him bye and he looked high. He does not drink or do drugs.

I got home and he had laptop back in living room watching sports on TV. He still looked high and didn't have anything to say. He just brushed me off when I tried talking to him. Back to computer room I went feeling frustrated, hurt and alone.

His sons had friends over that night to play WOW so I asked H if he would go get pizza. He said ok and got up and went right away. I decided to look at his laptop to see what was making him look so high. I knew it couldn't be solitaire or boats. He didn't log out so I went to history and was devastated
to find porn. I was in shock. I looked at some of the pics and left the last one that he looked at on the screen and went to throw up. I went back to computer room with my heart pounding, nauseous and just sat there in shock. That's how he found me when he returned with pizza. He said what's wrong? I could not speak. He knew that I knew and he walked back in living room.

I wanted to scream at him, I was so hurt and angry. I couldn't because there was 4 teens in the basement.

I don't think that it would have bothered me so much if we had been communicating and he had been meeting my SF need. We had not had SF in months.

I finally went to confront him calmly. I asked him if he had a problem with porn. He said no. I told him I thought that he did from what I saw on his laptop. He said oh that, they're just pictures.

I told him I felt devastated, very hurt, betrayed and deceived. I told him that I felt that he has been ignoring me, no SF and now I know why he didn't desire me. He said he was doing nothing wrong that all men looked at porn and that I shouldn't feel that way.

I told him that all men did not look at porn and that I felt very disrespected since he knew that I did not want porn in the home. He said oh I thought you just didn't want it on your computer and that I shouldn't feel that way. I told him that I was tired of him disregarding my feelings and that I wanted
him out of the house tomorrow and I came back to my desk and cried.

He came in here and just stared at me not saying a word. It gave me the creeps and I told him to leave me alone that I didn't even want him looking at me. I told him that I was angry and I didn't want to cause a scene with the boys here at midnight so it's best just to leave me alone. He did. He sat
up in the chair in the living room all night.

While he was getting the last of his belongings on that Monday we had AO. It wasn't pretty. There was LB's, DJ's flying all over the place. I was done.

He left. I guessed pw to his email act and discovered that he had signed up with several adult dating sites and he had them the entire time we'd been together. No contact other than winks and flirts. No paid memberships. No sign of A or meeting anyone.

I couldn't eat, was sick at my stomach, couldn't sleep, couldn't concentrate and was very emotional. On the 3rd day I went to Doc and got script for anti anxiety meds, packed a bag and left to go to my nieces for a week in another state. He called but I didn't answer. Guess I more or less Plan B'd
him. I didn't know about this site then.

After I returned home he showed up wanting to talk. Said he was worried about me, he loved me, he was very sorry he treated me the way he did, asked for my forgiveness and wanted me to give him another chance. He still wanted to marry me. I said NO. I told him the way I felt right now I didn't
think that I could ever have SF with him again or trust him.

He told me that he realized he was sinning and running from God. He repented, was very remorseful and told me he wanted to start going back to church. He said God is how we could make it work. He left a bible on my table and told me to think about it. Funny, because while I was gone I had asked for forgiveness for living together and was praying to God for comfort and guidance.

He did and said all the right things. I found it in my heart to forgive him. We joined to local church Jan 08 and have attended 3 times a week since. He made promises to me to always be open and honest, transparent, no secrets, and have meaningful communication. We got married Apr 08 in our
church and I was happy and full of joy looking forward to living a Christian life.

I was in for a rude awakening.

We started having problems 3 weeks after marriage after discovering SS18 viewing porn in the home. H and I made new rule to put filters on all our computers and no computers allowed in the home without a filter. SS18 kept breaking this rule and was disrespectful to me and he ended up
moving in with MIL because he couldn't get his way. Another relationship destroyed because of porn.

This past year I have been in emotional turmoil. H words and actions does not match. He says one thing to me and later I discover he has does the complete opposite. Lots of IB and no regard for my feelings.

We have been in a cycle of me confronting H with his lies and deception, him getting defensive and denying (even though I have proof) and telling me I'm crazy and turns everything around on me and threatens to leave if I don't shut up. Lots of AO, silent treatment, deer in the headlights look, and
stonewalling. He wants to sweep everything under the rug and not discuss for solution or admitting any wrong doing. I have felt frustrated to the max, emotionally abandoned and alone.

We'll get our emotional connection back and everything seems fine until I want to discuss anything regarding our relationship. Immediately he grabs his shoes and is ready to run and the frustration starts again. I do not understand him!

After confronting H in Feb with another mountain of lies and him getting defensive and denying yet again I told to leave on Feb 15. He kept contacting me by email trying to get me to go to church with him but I didn't want to talk to him or see him until I got an apology from him and him owning his behavior.

Two weeks ago he came over and we had a heart to heart talk and got everything out on the table. I told him that he was causing me a lot of pain and frustration, totaling disregarding my feelings and that I no longer
trusted him. I finally got an 'I'm sorry' and said he realized he was a conflict avoider. He quickly changed the subject (one of his tactics) but I got back to our discussion.

He said he missed me and wanted to come home. I told him I felt we needed professional help(I've suggested several times during our marriage and he blows me off) and he said he couldn't afford it. I told him that shows me how much me and our marriage means to him. (He can afford fishing tourneys,
golfing and dishing money out to disrespectful SS19 btw)

I told him he needs professional advice to earn my trust back because it sure wasn't working the way he does it. He started getting defensive and we had AO. He kept asking if I missed him and I told him a little but I didn't miss the lies and deception.

It ended with him getting in my face, pointing his finger at me saying the best thing for you to do is shut your mouth. (He has done that several times in our marriage) I told him he was a jerk and NO I do not miss him that I would rather be alone than live with his lies and deceit. I walked in my house and closed the door. He called 20 minutes later and said he was
sorry and I said OK then he hung up. I haven't heard from him since and he still has a lot of belongings here.

I feel so emotionally drained and my emotions are all over the place. I doubt myself. I feel like a fool for marrying him and believing in him. I can't think straight. I miss him. I don't miss him. Is he playing mind games with me trying to drive me crazy or is he a compulsive liar and will never change?

How can he attend church 3 times a week portraying himself as a Godly man and be so deceptive and lie all the time?(He not only lies to me but other people too)

Am I just overreacting and things are not as bad as they seem?
One minute I feel like doing Plan D and the next minute no maybe we can work this out.

It could be very possible that your husband is a sex addict.

Here's a list of resources that might help you:
Recoverynation.com
no-porn.net
COSA
S-Anon
A therapist who specializes in sex addiction
Reading anything by Patrick Carnes
Reading "Lonely All the Time" by Earle (I think that's the author.)
Reading the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend.

If your husband is an addict, there's nothing the two of you can fix together. He needs to fix himself. You work on yourself, then you work on the marriage.

This IS completely fixable. But your husband has to be serious about recovery.

Please consider divorcing him. He has shown absolutely no shred of actually meaning that he wants to, or will, change. He doesn't love you; he loves having a wife.

You can always get back together down the road. But he will never become the man you need if you let him back as is.

Telling you to shut up? How is that working for you? You deserve better than that.

If he truly loves you, he will find a good counselor, look into his addiction, make real, permanent changes to his life, and prove to you that he is a new man. But that will take at least a year or two. Sorry but true.

If he really loved you, he would care more about your happiness than his own.

Active using addicts are unable to put anyone else above their need to get high. Including themselves.

So, yes, cat, I would say if her husband was sober and in recovery, absolutely what you said. However all rationality goes out the window when you deal with addicts.

I'm sorry that your husband is in denial. There isn't much you can do, other than make some boundaries and stick to them if you choose to remain in the marriage, or simply leave the marriage.

Choose hope again, TM...of course you'll lose the feeling of hope when you focus on him.

He isn't the problem. His choices are.

So are yours.

A big part of your pain and anger comes from you betraying yourself repeatedly...and you see it in HIS betrayal, lies, deceit...broken promises.

You are doing the same thing. You promise yourself to act respectfully, then you AO...you call him names, you abuse him.

And he gaslights you...verbally abuses you.

You both are doing this to each other.

And if you'd really researched SA, you'd find your behaviors detailed...found out you're not alone...that there's a sick payoff going on which hurts you...not his choices. His choices are truly about him...and you making them about you is devastating.

You're doing a dance. I think you're doing it because you truly want the dance to end...not the marriage.

Because you really want to change your life.

SA's are attracted to spouses who are judgemental, mothering, smothering and have no boundaries. Many think they have them...an unenforced boundary isn't a boundary.

I believe we are brought together by God so we can grow, heal, change and learn to have healthy, intimate marriages...so we can be intimate in our relationship to God.

Take your belief that people who go to church three times a week are examples of something, holding themselves out as something...when it's your own judgment, prejudice, DJ at work. What if those same folks are seeking God fervently...no righteousness...needful and questing. Wrestling. In process, not a product.

God is with us...constantly. There is no desertion--we sure can feel all alone. There is no directing our lives--even though we can experience our life directed.

And love is what we're made of...and fear of not being loved can make our lives unmanageable.

We remain made from love, equal with each other in every way, fearfully and wonderfully made.

How we act, our choices, and what we make them from, well, that's up for grabs.



Ponder why you choose to cross the boundary of marital respect, where you first demand before you strive to understand...and if you make what isn't about you, about you, and then say "you hurt me so much."

These will help you...I believe even in your relationship with dear stepson19 (DSS19); he has no understanding of love without criticism, lies, judgement and earning love...he's rebelling. He's not bad or wrong. God may be leading his rebellion to help you...or you can take help from his message, anyway.

Either way, you mind your half, your reactions...and if you permit yourself to cross your boundaries, then you permit DH to cross them, as well. We get caught in this catch22 of respect...God designed us so that what we do to others, we will do to ourselves (if you reject a child, God's creation, you will reject yourself, as well); and what we do not allow ourselves to do to others, we won't do to ourselves.

My DH has been a recovering SA for four years. Yes, my sons are affected...like any addictive behaviors, we hand down the core issues, manifesting in different ways. Half of those were mine.

I did that dance...I was judgement...until I chose to know and act from love. Al-anon is a great resource btw. So is MB. And so is www.recoverynation.com.

You are not alone and you're not crazy. Read up on gaslighting...and verbal abuse...and recognize when you are doing them...because then (beauty of God's design), you will clear see when someone else attempts to do them to you...and it won't hurt. Because you realize, it's not about you.

Just like when you do it to them. It was about you...and you made it about them.

Which is the pattern...and we break it.

LA

I think that's oversimplying things. There are so many 'distractions' that can keep us from seeing things the way they really are. Addictions and depressions certainly can. Many of the people who come here have thought that they loved their spouse and are just now coming to the realization of just how far they missed the mark. They feel like they have done what it takes to make the other person happy, the other person just isn't happy for other reasons, or their is just something wrong with the S.

Though I think you are right on in the sense that good feelings/intentions can only get you so far. Lo

Very true! He cares more about his happiness than mine. He is a selfish person but he tells me that I am. I have done everything possible to make him happy. I always put him and his needs before mine or anyone else. I recently did the 30 day husband encouragement challenge and all I got was a pack of lies.

Have you read Harley's Giver and Taker on this website?

Over zealous givers end marriages, just like hardline Takers do.

Both act from fear, not love.

LA

No, he cares about getting high more so than anything. Even his own happiness. And your husband likely is not feeling happiness. He's likely feeling things like shame. And Addicts lie. It's what they do. It's part of the addiction. They lie to themselves. They lie to loved ones.

Please re-read what LA posted on the first page. My husband and I also did the dance she described. My husband has been sober for two years now. After being sober for about a year, my husband began to feel real happiness. After a year, he understood that he wasn't doing a good job of meeting my needs. (For that matter, I wasn't doing a good job of meeting his.)

I was oversimplifying because I see a person who is a Giver and doesn't seem to know how to shut it off to protect herself. IMO, the only way someone like her H will ever 'come around' is if he finally realizes he will lose her. Like I said, they can always remarry. He knows all he has to do is sweet talk her and she caves. He just seems like one of the ones who needs a huge wakeup call. And she needs to be away from him to get her self-esteem back intact.

[quote=inrecoverynow
I'm sorry that your husband is in denial. There isn't much you can do, other than make some boundaries and stick to them if you choose to remain in the marriage, or simply leave the marriage.
[/quote]

Thank you. Right now I'm leaning more on leaving the marriage.

No, he cares about getting high more so than anything. Even his own happiness. And your husband likely is not feeling happiness. He's likely feeling things like shame. And Addicts lie. It's what they do. It's part of the addiction. They lie to themselves. They lie to loved ones.

That is so sad that he cares about getting high more so than anything. I can't handle the lies anymore.

Please re-read what LA posted on the first page. My husband and I also did the dance she described. My husband has been sober for two years now. After being sober for about a year, my husband began to feel real happiness. After a year, he understood that he wasn't doing a good job of meeting my needs. (For that matter, I wasn't doing a good job of meeting his.)

Congrats on your H being sober for 2 years. Do you trust him? If so, how do you get the trust back? [/quote]

tm, you seem to be doing the right things, and I really think you can make your marriage work, but you have to do it from a position of strength. With his personality, you will have to be the strong one. Can you?

Have you read The Dance of Anger? It's a good, quick book on setting your boundaries. Doing so protects you, but it also helps the person you've been Giving too much to.

Truthmatters,

Listen carefully to what LA is saying to you.

I would like to make a few observations. You are focused on his porn use and your avowed boundary of keeping it out of your house.

I think what people are really trying to tell you, is that first such a decision must be POJA'd (please read about the policy of joint agreement, in Harley's articles). You cannot FORCE him to change. You cannot force your morals on him.

But, more interestingly on the things that REALLY COUNT and frankly the porn issue as stated here does not much, you fold. You have no boundaries, nor do you acheive any sort of agreement with him about how your lives together should be.

What are the REALLY IMPORTANT ISSUES? As stated by you, no SF, no intimacy, no communications, no feedback, no consideration, no....

Those are the important issues. You seem to think going to church defines people, some of the biggest sinners go church as well they should. It is a place for all of us sinners. What defines a person is how they live their life. How they treat those around them, how they respect those around them, and very importantly how they respect their own honesty.

I am NOT saying you should just change and decide to do a "happy dance" when confronted with porn. I am saying you are focusing on the wrong issue, and even if it was the right issue, you did not approach it correctly.

Please take the time to read Harley's articles. I would strongly recommend you read the articles on his "policies" those of Radical Honesty and of Joint Agreement. Then read the four rules for a good marriage.

Just those articles alone should give you a better glimpse of what a good marriage is supposed to be about. After that you can read about meeting needs. But, here is the point. You need to evaluate your marriage within the context of what you read here and then decide if you want to save it or not. You may not. Frankly as stated and given the relative youth of your marriage, I think leaving might be a good decision.

However, if you leave and not learn anything from this experience it will be wasted and you are likely to make similar decisions in your next relationship. You don't need to be married ever again, but going through life with a partner you love, respect and cherish is a really good way to go in my opinion.

Also as recommended by the other posters please read about the giver/taker in Harley's articles. An imbalance in your giver/taker always leads to resentment, no matter which way the scales are tipped. You have built up a lot of resentment and so has your H.

Please read the articles and come and ask lots of questions.

God Bless,

JL