I'm 2 months out post discovery. My husband had an affair with a coworker. It seemed to be a deep love affair according to the letters I found from her. I found them, things blew up, her husband knows, they are supposedly restoring their marriage. They still work together. With the ecomony as it is, other choices are pretty dismal. I sent my husband packing after 1 week at home as I couldn't take it...He says he feels numb toward me, no feelings, so cannot show remorse. Says "it" is over and they no longer talk or email at work (although they work in same dept). However, he is in a self-discovery place and wants to try to work things out with me but still feels no love for me. He's hoping for a spark of some sort to set things in motion again. we still spend some family time together per his request. Our marriage was years of disconnection so I understand the "not in love with you feeling" but I know that I love him and I don't want to end my marriage. My problem now is the trust issue. with them still working together, I have no trust especially with his state of mind where it is. Our counselor told us to be separated while he figures things out. that he needs to hit rock bottom and realize he could lose his family. well, 6 weeks and no rock bottom. now I'm reading what this forum says about how we should be living together to work things out. how do I live with someone who A. doesn't love me B. shows no remorse or emotion about his acts C. I still don't trust? Please help I'm starting to lose hope.

Hello - I'm not the best one to answer what you should do . . but my husband did the same thing to me. If you read up on the boards and advice it suggests some things you can do. You are not alone! So many go through this. Read the letter in the Forum for Just found out. The emotional state of your husband is very typical. He is confused and in a fog about what has happened. My H was very sad when the OW chose her H over him. You really need to read up and get a plan going for yourself. Exposure to his family and yours is very important. Also he is probably going through withdrawl from the fantasy of the relationship. MB recommends that he never has any contact with the OW again. Since he sees her everyday at work that is a real deal-breaker in reconcilliation. Read up on the plans and suggestions they are very sensible. Do you have children? How long was his A? I hope you are doing ok and don't ever lose HOPE!

Your counselor is giving you very bad advice. You need to be living together, and one of the affairees needs to find another job. As long as there is contact, your husband won't have feelings for you.

VST,

I could have written your post. Take it from me, as long as they work together, they will have contact.Even if they don't e-mail or see each other, the A is still alive by them just looking for each other's car in the lot. Like you, the economy is hard, for me my WH working with the OW was worse. While I believe their company was onto them, I also had called the HR and needless to say, they both were terminated. So, we're financially strapped but able to end the A completely, which now allows us to recovery, the marathon way!

I can't control whether she gets another job. My H getting another job means life crashing down for our 9yr old D. Honestly don't see that happening. Do you really think he is incapable of getting over her if he still see her everyday? Especially considering there is no strong love base between us?

We would become homeless and lose everything. At least if he still has his job, he can support me and our child. The company does not know of this.

He has to end all C in order for you to get into recovery; if they are still working together you are just spinning your wheels because he is cake-eating.

I'd get into a kick-*ss Plan A while you are prepping for Plan B...if he doesn't quit his job, you are going to need it.

I'm sorry you are here, but the ball is in your court right now. In order for your M to even have a CHANCE at recovery, he MUST QUIT HIS JOB.

Yes, the economy is bad but it's either that or the end of your M.

We moved out of state and my H found a BETTER job...we are now buying an incredible house here; we have been seriously blessed because he was serious enough to move us all away...and it's been the best thing for us. It CAN happen.

You need to expose to HR, his boss, any friends. That will end this A in a hurry and that is what you need.

Read up on EXPOSURE and you will see what I mean. It's your best chance at killing this A.

My H's affair ended the DAY I exposed. Exposure is a beautiful thing.

VST,
While not yet losing the house (but darn close too) I also have 3 girls in our household to care for but I'll tell you, I'm happier with the current situation than him continuing to work with that piece of garbage! (who was married with 2 little girls too)... All contact must end, all! Like MF said, without ending all C, there can be no withdrawal or recovery.

This is so hard for you and I am so sorry. Do you have anyone to help you out emotionally? Have you exposed the A? Would it be possible for you to work? I went to MC also and both times the counselor didn't really have any plan for us. We were floundering too. Have you read about plan A/B?

I hear what you're saying and I know I'm just making excuses and I'm scared on top of that. If he loses his job, things will be much worse overall. I cannot put my D thru such a terrible disruption in her life. I am a stay-home-M and have lost skills for a good job over the years. I'm sooooo scared!! I'm so very happy in this town! I'm going to be scary honest here, I don't think he has the feelings for me to keep us afloat even if he loses he job....dare I take that risk? or move on...

Which book do I need to read about Plans a/b, etc?

My H was "numb" when I first found out about the A as well...that changed quickly and he is more in love with now than he has even been (his words).

The A MUST end before he will acknowledge his feelings for you. He MUST numb himself in order to do the horrific things he has done...once the A ends and he goes through withdrawal, his feeling for you will come back.

They are dormant, not gone.

You don't need the books, you can read up on it on this site. I'll look for the links and post them...

In the meantime, order SAA from this site.

Here is a good link to start with:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...t&Number=1659680&nt=2&page=1

Also...is the OW married? Find out and put him on your exposure list.

VSD, I am so sorry you are here. But when you are facing infidelity, there is no better place to be. Dr. H has come up with the best plan to survive and possibly recover your marriage. But it's up to you to work the plans properly.

You CAN survive this.

You need the book Surviving an Affair immediately. The plans are discussed in there. You can also find articles about them on this website.




A divorce means life crashing down for your daughter.

There is NOTHING she needs more than her mommy and daddy married and in love.

The first step to making that happen is a CAREFULLY PLANNED EXPOSURE. Start with a list of people of influence in WH's life at work, clubs, family, friends, etc. DO NOT TELL WH that you are planning to tell anyone anything, or he will get to them first and twist the truth and make you look like a lunatic.

Make your list and post it here (do not use names):

WH's parents
WH's siblings
your parents
your siblings
YOUR DAUGHTER (yes, this IS VERY IMPORTANT)
his boss
human resources dept.
her boss
her BH
her parents

Then consider who else he respects.

Make the list, post it here, plan the day and expose all at once.

And yes, he can fall in love with you again...but not until he has absolutely NO CONTACT with OW. His love doesn't come first, no contact does.

I've been a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom for 19 years. I know how scared you are. You CAN do this.

All this time I'm being told that it is over and there is no C. I still look at his phone when I get the chance and I found a long call from the "switchboard". I know she doesn't use her cell anymore as her H is probably checking the recs. I am EXTREMELY intuitive and suspected that they might be still talking thru co. phones. I had another chance to look at his phone and that call was no longer in the history. I verified with the phone carrier that calls drop off in order by age and if the call is gone, it was deleted. I asked him about this and he calmly denied knowing about a call and assured me that all C is stopped. I just can't take the chance of being duped again. This is really the 2nd time around as I discovered the emotional part of the A this summer. I was promised it would end but turned into a PA which I discovered also. The lies during this time were so extreme. He was "working" on us he said. He just said all the right things during this time but deep down, I really new. And now, deep down, I still know.....this is very hard. I've given him the impression up until now, that I'm willing to work on our M. But all this distrust has been stirring in me and not allowing me to rest. I just don't think I can continue with this and I'm thinking I need to tell him that I can't until either he or she leaves the co. He'll still try to say nothing is going on, I'm sure. But I know that I will never trust as long as they are working together and he has no feelings for me. Why am I here??? Why is this happening??

As sick as this sounds, I feel a little guilty about exposing him to his family and friends now after I've said I'm willing to work on this with him......then I read about how skipping Plan A and moving on to Plan B (which is basically what I'm doing) rarely works! I've never been this scared before. I am absolutely terrified!

Ok . . . take a deep breath and know that you are not alone! When I was in your shoes I called my Dr. She talked to me and made some medical suggestions. Please read up on this site. Your H. is still in the A. if he is working in the same office. So what you need to do is start exposing and take care of yourself. Stop talking to him about the A. for a little bit. You are only going to get alien talk and lies. Also does the OW's H know that your H. has moved out? Perhaps she is visiting him at his new place. Remember that affairs thrive in the dark. Bring it to the light. You CAN do this.

To answer your question MF, she is married with 2 teens. Her husband found out when I did and they are keeping things together. He is a very controlling man and I know he has her under his thumb so I cannot think this is a great situation for her. And I know this because my H and this OW had our families spending time together! It's been the worst year of my life to say the least. Her H wants to keep it private and I know they've told no one.