I have not told her husband that my H has moved out. I'm afraid he'll go off! He is a loose cannon.....but I guess it might light a fire under him to get her out of there.

I feeling the need to let my H know that I've changed plans....that I'm not going to be nice about it anymore. Not to tell him what I'm doing but to let him know that I don't believe the A has really ended, although I have no concrete proof...

Can you tell I'm losing it??

But maybe it's not the OW's and H's choice to make for you? You can still call your circle and expose right? Some of your relatives could lend support to you at this most difficult time? Don't be paralyzed with fear. You have value!!!!!! You didn't do anything wrong.

They're still in C, they have just taken it further underground (BTDT)...it happens all the time.

YOU MUST EXPOSE. We really can't help you until you do that...you will get NOWHERE FAST until this A ends.

Exposure is your FRIEND when it comes to killing affairs.

Make up that list of people to expose to. All you are going to do is tell them that your H is having an A, that you still love him and want to do whatever is necessary to save your M, and the first step is asking for their ASSISTANCE in putting pressure on them to quit this adulterous relationship and do the RIGHT THING.

I totally agree with believer. You should be living together. You say you love him and want to stay in the marriage, right ? Then you need to live together and you need to be on Plan A immediately.

He wont be remorseful and understand the pain he caused you and your family until you show him how much he has hurt you. You do it by talking to him on daily basis. He is under major wayward fog that could take months to clear. He will have to come clean about the A and committ to a complete NC.

Has he given any indication that he wants to works things out ?

VST,
You're right, you can't control whether the SOW (skanky other woman) gets another job. But you can control whether your WH does. I understand what your are saying about your D but don't you see that if they continue to work together you will NEVER recover your M and your D's life will come crashing down on her because of divorce.

There is NO WAY for your WH to start getting over the A and out of the FOG until they do not see each other. That includes working together.

BTDT....totally NO CONTACT is the ONLY WAY. If you don't see that now, you will months down the road when your WH continues the A and lies to you about it. Then what?

You are thinking rationally now. Good. I don't think you should tell you WS anything because your silence will scare him if he is sneaking around seeing her. Let the OW's H know that he moved out. If he confronts him then so be it. I was too protective of my H and he could have used some fear for his actions. I was able to put together pieces of my puzzle by communicating with the OW's H and he called my H and threatened him to stay away from his wife! PS- My H's brothers and mine called him too . . . saying "what are you doing to your family stupid~!"

DO NOT TELL YOU ARE GOING TO EXPOSE!!!

There is both the "carrot" and "stick" of Plan A...the stick includes EXPOSURE.

You ARE still going to be nice...helping him end his A IS nice. He is an addict who needs INTERVENTION.

Call OWH and tell him you believe the A to be continuing...ask him to snoop on his end, and you do the same on your end.

Yes, you are losing it because a spouse's A is crazy-making...it DOES make you crazy. But you have to pull it together if you want to save your M.

Thanks to all of you for your advice! I'm so glad I found this site. I can tell that each of you care and it's comforting.

I really don't have solid proof at this point that the A is still on. Just the phone call rec I mentioned before and my intuition. I do understand that the probability of it is close to 100%....If I call her H should I share anything about my gut feelings or just that he has moved out and I thought he should know?

If they still work together, THERE IS C, pure and simple.

Ask him to write a NC letter...his response will tell you alot.

I always kept it factual and unemotional (as possible). He has called me since to check up on suspicions. I think you will feel better after you do. Then start calling the family . . .that's what they are there for. You can do this!

MF, I had him write that NC letter shortly after Dday. She wrote back with ramblings on about finding Jesus and focusing on her family etc. Really, no worth to it.

{{{{VST}}}}
I'm sorry that you're going through this he!!. It's something that none of us should have to go through. Know that you're in good hands here, there are a lot of Vets here with years of helping people. PLEASE follow their advice

Can I suggest that you ask your WH to submit to a polygragh. Do you think that he would??

My F?WH is taking one next week to prove that he is NOT in continued CONTACT with the SOW and also so I know the extent of the infidility.

JoJo

He still WORKS WITH the OW...of course there is C!!!

oceanspray, thanks for your replies. Are you currently living with your H? Where do things stand for you? I'm really scared of the fallout from making the call to the OWH....but I am going to do it.

You know, my H is asking all sweet like he really wants to work on this with me. But when I pin him down with a question like "do you want to reconnect with me?" he avoids it.

Is this a "here's your sign" thing?

JoJo, I've thought about a polygraph. Could I avoid all this other stuff by just going straight to that process? If he declines, then it's over??

Well . . . in the beginning I believed him that there was no contact and he was so remorseful and crying. BUT . . .at that time I wasn't set up for snooping and just believed him. SO . . . once I got the "vibe" again (don't disregard female intuition it's very powerful)and logged into his computer . . .there was the absolute proof and identity of her and how far it had gone. The "babe" and "honey" stuff just made me feel sick with rejection and worry. I didn't know about MB but I called his family and said that he was going through a mid-life crisis because that's what he blamed it on to get me to calm down. He re-focused the issue on his past and childhood disappointments . . . bla bla bla. What was helpful is that the people I exposed to would check on me frequently and I would ramble and cry. They were my voices of reason because they were in our lives and knew what a crock of BS he was feeding me. It was only after the Ow was exposed to her H and their kids that things began to crumble. My sitch is a long-distance one. So he can't run out for milk and see her. Currently I am called a "fence-sitter" according to MC concepts. But my husbands fog is almost lifted and we are communicating once again. I can fill you in on that later. . . back to you. Can you see how this all can work for you and your H. Mine was telling me he loved me more than anything in the world . . . after the first exposure . . . then he started the "i don't love you's" "we were never. . . etc etc etc. Deep down I always knew that there was love for me. But finding it was impossible when he had contact with the OW. The feelings just conflict. False recovery is really NO FUN! Had I know about MB's I wouldn't have done that so many times.

Thanks oceanspray, and I know you and all the others here are right. I'm in my comfort zone here, by myself during the day until my daughter gets home. I can sit here and remain hopeful all day long but living in hiding won't help anyone. And I know I'm making this too much about me. I know for a fact that she tells him ALL the things he wants to hear, and I feel that his self-esteem is pretty low, so hearing that is like a drug. I haven't told him these things in a very long time because, well I've lived with him for 12 years.....he isn't ALL THAT I will be doing some exposing in the very near future....

Oceanspray, are you living with your H? also, the difference with us is I'm not so sure about there being any love deep down....:(

Now you're talking! I am at home too and when things were horrible I would cry all day. But when the bus came with the kids I was totally present with them asking about their day, making dinner and just loving them up! They saw tears a lot and I just explained that Dad and I were having some problems. But none of that was about them, not their fault and it was up to us to work it out. I know they are still worried but hopefully they understand that it's not something for them to worry about. We both love them!

Yes I am living with my H. I wanted to kick him to the curb many times but it just didn't happen. We were in a "dead zone" in our marriage and I was pretty aloof. Working a stressful job and taking care of the kids, house so he could travel. Believe me he wasn't "all that" either . . .but a little attention for the OW and he was "all in". I admit my part of the division but not the affair!