Yeah, it does matter to me what I say in the email. In a way, that email is probably more for me than for him--a reinforcement of my determination to follow through on what I said. But I want to make sure the tone is right and by not DJing, then I'm also not mentally DJing.

I just wanted to expand upon what bbspdr posted about above. Compromise and give and take only works within the context of the POJA. In essence the problems I see with OH's M to date is that she has consistently agreed to accept things but that she was not really enthusiastic about much of what she agreed to. Therefore, bitterness and resentment have become her reality - and in some ways have clouded her ability to really share herself openly with her H and to maintain loving feelings toward him. This is always what occurs when we compromise by sacrificing what we want to get during the negotiation process in a vain attempt to satisfy our mate, or when we do not enthusiastically agree. The POJA does away with "tit for tat" or "give and take" type agreements where one spouse loses out while the other spouse gets what they want. I'm assuming bbspdr meant give and take as negotiation. I just want to clarify that give and take cannot mean one spouse getting what they want and one spouse losing out while potentially getting something they want at a later time as compensation for getting hurt now. The problem with this approach is that someone gets hurt - even if they may get something good later - they still get hurt now - and that results in love bank withdrawals now for the spouse who didn't really enthusiastically agree - they just agreed to get hurt in hopes that later they will get something they want. This is one of the hardest parts of the POJA to put into practice IME.

How about a tone of confidence? "I'm so excited about the changes I'm making! They have been really contagious, the whole house is running so smooth. I have found my respect for my H, too. I beleive in him, that was 'fearfully and wonderfully made,' that these tools we are working on will help us as they've helped countless others. I believe that we can find these new patterns more rewarding and enjoyable than those that we discarded. And if we have slips, we'll have a plan for that, too, to keep it from falling back into those old ruts."

OH, I agree, but it may change the context of his coming home. What I mean is that perhaps this could be a blessing in disguise. If it's going to take him moving across the country to become productive, for whatever reason, then perhaps that's what needs to occur. In some ways, as you said, this might work best. It helps you to enforce your boundary - that if he comes home and is not open to finding employment in the area then he'll have to make plans to leave again for the west coast within a few weeks - and prove to himself and to you that he's really willing to change. If after a few months he's found good employment and he's happy and holding down a job - then you two can evaluate how to move forward with respect to your M. Just thinking out loud here. My point here is to be creative. I realize you've drawn a line in the sand per se but at the same time you two could negotiate something that gives him the opportunity to pursue what he seems to think is going to create opportunities for him, while also meeting some of your boundary requirements. If he travels out west and engages in the same behavior and doesn't become productive after a period of time, then perhaps he can stay out there. While things are "stressful" for you alone back east, I think a lot of your stress has to do with the uncertainty factor - not so much having to handle everything yourself over the last three weeks. If you knew with certainty that you had to go it alone - you'd be in a better frame of mind perhaps.

Hmmm..interesting perspective--and probably not too far off the mark with where I may have subconsciously gone yesterday. I'm not stressed very much about the possibility of his going 'boots on the ground' out there (with the exception of a trust issue that's a holdover from his EA--and hopefully could be resolved before he left. I have to admit to doing some snooping around while he was gone--phone logs, etc.-- and have found nothing).

Then why am I still stressing out over this email that for some reason I feel I *must* write?

OH, my H has several times taken one or both of the kids somewhere over the summer, when they are out of school, while I worked remotely or took vacation from work part or most of the time. Would something like that fit your situation?

I would certainly consider it. My oldest will be out of the house this summer. He graduates in May, will be working at an overnight summer camp the entire summer, then leaves for college in the fall. ::sniff::

DS15 and DD9 attend the same camp as campers and are gone the first two weeks of July. The rest of their summer is pretty unstructured---the local town swim team, with its daily practices and a few park/rec programs are usually it. Last year, DS15 worked as a volunteer/swim lesson aide and this year he's been asked to help coach the swim team. He also participates in passing league (summer football captain's practices) from July on. And of course for him, school starts 2 weeks early as the football team is back and on the practice field by then. But as far as H being 'boots on the ground' and having them for the summer--if he had employment and his own place (not living with aunt/uncle), I'd be more than up for it.

I'm not opposed at all to returning to that part of the country. I never wanted to leave it in the first place. But my doubts and hesitation are tied up in the kids--having DS15 leave sophomore year--not ideal but do-able. And the job issue. Either I'd have to have assurance from my company I could work remotely or H would have to have steady employment--or both.

Interestingly, he was telling me that his answer to the question he was getting from a lot of family and friends: "how does your wife feel about you intensively looking for a job here?" was pretty much right on the money with regard to my feelings. He tied my reticence to the kids and having to uproot them.

Right after his EA, we were pretty intensely looking to relocate down to the NC area. Even though the A didn't happen here, we just felt that getting away from this place and all the bad memories--job wise, affair-wise, marriage-wise--could be good for us. But the two jobs I was offered were not attractive enough to justify the move and he wasn't able to generate an offer at all.

Going back to where we started has its appeal--but I'm not just going to willy-nilly up and move. LOTS of stuff has to be addressed--beyond what I'd outlined in my letter.

OurHouse, did you see this in Coho's GQII thread? Whenever I saw his name in the now-missing left bar, I click on it.


Would it be honest to start your email like that? "I want YOU in my life"

Well, that's the $64 million question I'm wrestling with these days, Ears. *DO* I want him in my life? I am positive I don't want the person he is today, the marriage we have today, in my life. Now of course, I own 50% of that so I can work on changing that part of it. But now the "what ifs" start.

What if I can't effect change to achieve the (only) goal I can accept--which is to be in love again?

That's the big 'what if' The smaller ones go like this:

What if I fail on following through on my accountability measures as outlined in my email.
What if I fail to enforce the boundaries as defined in my original letter?


I am really feeling the need to send him SOMETHING via email as that letter is just sitting out there like the elephant in the middle of the room.

I woke up this AM and honestly couldn't answer the question of whether or not I'd missed him. That was an eye-opener. I can't say I'm counting the minutes until his return....

What if I can't effect change to achieve the (only) goal I can accept--which is to be in love again?

That's the big 'what if' The smaller ones go like this:

What if I fail on following through on my accountability measures as outlined in my email.
What if I fail to enforce the boundaries as defined in my original letter?

What if you do fail OH? That would only make you a human who still has it in her to give it an honest try. NO ONE is perfect...mistakes will be made...hopefully you will be able to laugh at them and move on...(yes I do say laugh because quite a bit now my H and I will say or do something and point out the *old* way we would have handled it and try to have a good laugh over it...TOGETHER)


I am really feeling the need to send him SOMETHING via email as that letter is just sitting out there like the elephant in the middle of the room.

Then send a small yoooowhoooo...Imma waitin on some sorta feed back here honey...seriously...OH, there is nothing wrong with asking him whats on his mind since he read your letters...ok, he said he didn't like e-mail...address that...*honey, I know you don't really like e-mail and I can appreciate that...however since our discussion on the phone, I was hoping you might address...blah blah blah...if you don't want to e-mail me back what time can I expect your call?*

I said to leave him with his thoughts and you have...so now you want a little information...nothing wrong with that...and you might also take that time to address trying to have at least a FEW things in place so you would feel BETTER about welcoming him home...

I woke up this AM and honestly couldn't answer the question of whether or not I'd missed him. That was an eye-opener. I can't say I'm counting the minutes until his return....

You're not counting the minutes OH because nothing has been set in place...you feel that he has read the letters, he has had time to think...he knows whats in your mind and in your heart from your conversation after he read the letters...you feel he is NOW leaving you hanging...don't allow it...a sweet e-mail (staying in plan A so to speak,with no out for him...please respond or what time can I expect your call)

You won't know if you will miss him or not because even though he is gone you have had other things to think about...as a matter of fact...HE'S all you have thought about...thinking,thinking, rehashing and then thinking some more...if you had gone about your business and became so preoccupied that you all of a sudden looked up one day and said *oh s**t,H is still away and coming home soon...jeez I didn't even miss him...but I personally think when we go over and over something in our head and we rehash and rehash and come up with different scenarios and thoughts and ideas...we have to admit to ourselves...da**it, I love the lug and wish he would just get on board and stop being a lunkhead....

Your in the dark right now OH...kinda like how people feel when they think they might be getting D'd and living alone...the fear of being *alone*...the fear of being in the *dark*...same thing...uncertainty is always scary...SO ASK...


lovingly of course...


huggs...

I'm assuming bbspdr meant give and take as negotiation.


yes HH, that's exactly what I meant...sort of...:)


not just negotiating...but knowing where you are willing to bend a little for each other when enthusiasm just isn't possible...

So how's this?

(email)

Dear H:

I am looking forward to your coming home on Tuesday. We've all missed you.

I want to share with you how I am honestly feeling. I am afraid. I am afraid that I will fail at meeting the goals I have set for myself thus ultimately failing at attaining the goal most important to me--to be in love with you again.

I am also afraid that you will choose not to address the issues I brought up in my first letter, which are a cause of great pain and anxiety to me.

I hope you have a safe flight home. I am taking it one day at a time, baby steps. I have set great goals for myself, but am trying to refrain from falling prey to expectations.

Love,

OH

Actually, this might be better:

I hope you have a safe flight home. I am taking it one day at a time--baby steps. I have set great goals for myself that I hope will give us both great rewards. But I am trying to refrain from being a slave to expectations.

Heres one.

I hope you have a nice flight back home. I am eagerly looking forward to your getting a full time job when you get back. That way I can respect and love you again as helping to support our family. In this time in our world, both partners need to contribute financially to keep the household going. I am also ready to dig in to our other marriage problems to and work them out. I know with your full time job and us working together on our marriage, that we can have the best marriage ever possible! We will end up falling in love with each other again!

OH, I liked both letters. Except I didn't like the slave to expectations part. It like makes your point much less instead of more clear. Are you saying something like "I have a backup plan too"? I odn't know if that needs saying, but I do agree a backup plan is a great idea.

Oh and to your thing earlier, if you are ambivalent, wow, that's going to make it harder to live by your beliefs, if you don't decided what you believe. Maybe start from the assumption Steve had, that you do want to be with your H right now? I don't know what else to say, I'm hoping some other great folks you've had here will help.

Bubbles, I liked your letter even better. Confident and positive and clear.

hmmm, honestly? I'm not to keen on the fact you are setting this up to be *hey H, I missed you and look at how hard *I* am willing to work for this marriage and YOU...I have placed such high expectations on MYSELF that I am afraid *I* will fail YOU, and if *I* fail you then *I* will be further disappointed in myself for failing MY biggest goal which is to be in love with you again....

Maybe its me and I'm reading it wrong...

Wheres the reminder of what you need from him,in order for him to come home?

OH, not for nothing but if you sent those letters and outlined *conditions* so to speak....no wonder your a mess right now...he's coming home, nothing is in place and your promising HIM the moon to do all the work???

Am I missing something???

I can't decide which I like better. I agree that it should reflect a positive, confident attitude. You also want to make absolutely sure that you deal with any conditions... you really don't want to draw a line in the sand and then allow it to be ignored. That destroys your credibility.

To me this is very similar to a WS coming home after a PB, before they've obviously agreed to all the conditions set forth in the PBL. There are some examples of how people have dealt with that and letters they've used. Maybe you'd like to read some of those.

You have a point. I'm trying to strike the right balance. I have received my share of 2x4s here for not stepping up to the plate and taking responsibility for myself, and even Steve suggested I quantify my promises that were outlined in the letter.

What I really want to say:

Please re-read the letter I wrote you before you come home. The things I indicated in that letter that were important to me are still just as crucial. You need to have a plan about finding and maintaining employment. You need to cut way back on the alcohol. And we both need to be more courteous and considerate of each other.

Have people here actually posted what they wrote or said after plan B?

There are some on GQII. I'll see if I can find any.