Very well said, and I know this from experience.

Go for nuclear exposure as soon as you can.

MF, he would come home if I let him and he has said so. I think the A has probably been ongoing for a year or more. He's been gone 6 weeks and the only people that know are my close friends and my parents, no one connected to him.

here's the thing I'm most afraid of...if I call his boss (who is a friend of mine) I risk him getting fired - very very scary thing. If she gets moved to another area of the co. really what good will that do?? Do you all really believe the A is still going on after discovery and after all he's said to me about it being over?? I've told him, please be honest with me, if you still have feelings for her, let me go. Will he take the lies that far??

Then do major exposure...re-expose and/or expose to both of your families; to both of their bosses and possibly HR; to OWH.

Don't tell him you are going to do this. When he asks why, you tell him it's because you want to save your M but you need help guaranteeing that there is NC and you need other people's help since they are not strong enough nor trustworthy enough to stay in NC on their own.

Then you ask him what HIS PLAN for recovering your M is. Quitting his job MUST BE in his plan. That is non-negotiable.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! Liars lie...that is what they do!!

You wanna know what? I really need to post my story...my H dragged me through a 10 month long false recovery (FR), swearing up and down that the A was over, the he wanted nothing to do with her...that he never wanted a D and that he wanted to stay married.

My GUT told me that something was wrong but I didn't have "proof"...all the while he was telling HER that our M was horrible and that D was an option (IT NEVER WAS...he NEVER spoke to me about D!!!).

Everyone here was telling me to go to Plan B...I didn't.

I found out 10 months-of-h*ll later that it was all a LIE...the A continued the WHOLE TIME!

They are CAKE EATERS...they do not want to give up the cute little wife at home, but they LOVE the "admiration" and the fantasy of the A...and the addictive qualities.

So YES...he will keep lying.

LG, thanks for you input. It's good to hear a male perspective on this. My H and I have been disconnected for years so I understand the "why" of the A, but I also know it shouldn't have happened and I didn't deserve it. I'm so scared about the work exposure as it could mean loss of job, even his career! This is a HUGE risk! I'm so scared!

Thank you MF, it's hard to hear but I know you speak the truth. Thank you.

What if I just tell him he has to find another job or we are done? I've never told him that....should I start there?? I know I'm trying to buck the system...:)

Which scares you more? Divorce or him losing his job? Because your protection of his affair all this time is threatening your marriage. Because you have helped them hide it so well, it has become more and more entrenched. You have a much greater risk of DIVORCE right now because this has gone on so long. I assure you that your H is still in his affair and his being separated ADDS TO THAT freedom.


Are you kidding with this question? Your H is still in his affair. No one here is deluded about that except you. He sees her EVERY DAY. He is the alcoholic who has a drink EVERY DAY in the bar. The affair is ON.

The best strategy I see for you is a nuclear exposure, because that will kill the fantasy of the affair. Exposure is chemotherapy to cancer. Tell everyone. Do it on the SAME DAY so it will have a tsunami effect for the infidels. This will deal a lethal blow to the affair that will hasten its death. Your H and his ho will no longer be able to carry on their affair at work with everyone watching.

Once this is done, your H will be angry for a few days. When he gets over that, you can get on to the business of repairing your marriage so he has a soft place to land as his affair crumbles.

But exposure has to be the first move. Expose to his parents, THE OW HUSBAND, your family, friends, your DAUGHTER, everyone. Send a certified letter to the director of Human Resources with cc's to his boss, her boss, and a key VP. Make this all hit on the SAME DAY.

Another GREAT exposure target is the OW's parents if you can find them. Here is a template of a good letter you can send to Human Resources:

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS

Yes, tell him that ................... AFTER you expose. We will help you with the words.

Really, vst, your fearfulness is very inappropriate right now. Your marriage is on the rocks, your daughter needs you; you simply do not have the LUXURY to cater to your fears. You have work to do, Madam.

I suggest you listen to ML, she helped me tremendously with exposure and I am now in a recovering marriage.

As Dr. H states, exposure often marks the BEGINNING of recovery. It did for us.

Dr. Willard Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders:

"I'm in the process of rewriting "Surviving an Affair" to add information about plan B. Some of the main points are as follows:

Whether in plan A or B, the world should know about your husband's affair. All of your relatives, your friends, your children, and the licensing board for your husband's lover. In some states a licensing board will revoke a license if a counselor is having an affair with a married person, client or not. This is because it's well known that affairs hurt families, especially children. And counselors know better than to have an affair.

The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is.

<snip unrelated>

When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery."

Dr. Harley on telling the children:

The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight.

2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)

Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse).

Thank you ML, I know you're right. Here's where I am right now, in the raw, I have to decide which is more scary, him losing his job or a divorce. Unfortunately right now, I'm not sure...is there enough of a foundation left for our marriage to survive any of this? I don't know....Do I live a pretty good life because of his position? Yes. Do I want to risk that, even if it means without him in my life? I'm not sure...

I almost feel like I'd be "pulling the plug" on my life...God how screwed up am I??

Okay this is so frustrating when BS won't expose.

Yes, it's scary, I know. We have all been there .... and guess what .... we lived to tell about it.

And to top it off ... we now encourage it .... because it works!!!!

It's free ammo, use it now, the window is not open forever.

I had to grow a set, so I know how hard it is.

You will regret not doing this, I guarantee it.

VST...here is almost verbatim what I told our two oldest children, who were 10 and 8 at the time: (they were asking me why Daddy couldn't come home...I was in Plan B)

"You both know that when two people get married, God wants us to stay married forever, and to only love that other person. Well, right now Daddy is making very bad choices and there is another lady out there who he likes sort of the same way he likes me...like a "girlfriend". It's hurting my feelings very badly and I cannot be around him until he promises to never see or talk to her again. We need to pray for him to make the RIGHT choices, and this has NOTHING to do with any of you...he loves you just the same as he always has. We also need to pray for this other lady that she will leave Daddy alone...she wants to try to make him HER husband and HER children's Daddy and that is WRONG. She is not a nice lady at all and we need to pray for her."

<Our kids then began calling her "the bad lady"; I figured that was better than stupid-whorish-daddy-stealer, so I left it alone. >

I was scared to tell our kids but was so glad after I did. Now they see us trying very hard to "fix" our M and they are SO HAPPY to see us together.

OMG I know you all are right!! I'm shaking right now I'm so scared.

And that's okay to be scared, if it motivates you then use it. You should be scared of losing your M.

When I went to tell my WH's family, I was an absolute mess. Mascara everywhere, and it took awhile to get it all out.
I told them that I needed help to save my marriage, that this was not being done out of spite.

You are getting ready to lose BOTH. That is the path you are currently on. See, when he divorces you, he will only have to pay CHILD SUPPORT and perhaps some alimony for a short time. He does not have to support you for life. Keep that in mind. And after he is divorced from you, he will have to support his new family and new children.

If it is THAT much trouble I will call OWH.