I think he sees me in control of myself and our M. I really do. He's being very nice and sweet and totally denying that it's still going on. He says he's just messed up and isn't sure if he wants to commit to our marriage when he doesn't know if he can be 100% faithful forever. That he can't stop something like this from happening again if he isn't totally sure and committed. I'm the one that has remained faithful to our M by trying to allow him to work things out with me. He's the one holding back. He says he's willing to be alone forever if he cannot commit to me. I'm so entirely confused....

Ok I guess I'm wondering, is he saying this because he truly isn't sure he wants to be married to me or is it solely because he's still entangled with her??

It's because he's still entangled with her and he wants to keep his options open.

Ok I know MF, and most others are telling me to expose the A. I hear that, I really do. I just have so many "what if's" that I'm paralyzed. What if it's really over and he really just doesn't know if he wants to be with me and I blow the whole world up for no reason??? I know you all are getting sick of my cowardness, but please bear with me...

You have an excellent chance of saving your marriage if you can end his affair.

Your marriage is doomed if they continue to work together.

Hun, if they work together the affair IS STILL GOING ON. That is your proof right there.

You CANNOT BELIEVE a word your husband says about this.

Thanks BK, do you agree with exposure with no concrete proof that the A is sill on?

I didn't see any JOKES - they were deadly serious.

ok I get it....should I let him know I don't believe him? or just start exposing with no warning?

He is telling you all this because he wants to keep his options open while he continues his affair. He is still fully in his affair.

If you have any doubt the affair is still ongoing, go stake out his apartment during lunch hour for a few days. go tomorrow.

Do you need proof that behind the clouds the sky is blue?

You don't need any proof. You have been told this 1000 times.

They work together=PROOF

What do you mean you have no concrete proof? They see each other every day at work, is that not enough??

But if you need to catch them in bed together, I would go stake out his apartment during his lunch hour tomorrow.

Good! Maybe he'll sit up and take notice.

Seriously, when you expose, do it without warning. NEVER let him know your plans and DO NOT threaten to expose if he doesn't quit his job or come home or whatever. He will immediately talk to his family, your family, the people at work.. anyone who will listen... about how bad your M has been for such a long time. How you are crazy jealous and controlling. How he wonders if you're insane because you imagine things. How you're so emotionally unstable he had to move out just to be able to think clearly about his own life. How you have gotten it into your mind that he's having an affair, which is the furthest possible thing from the truth, but there's no point in trying to reason with you, you won't listen, blah blah blah.

After speeches like that, how do you think your exposure will sound? So the moral of this story is NO WARNING. Just expose, to everyone, all at once. Go nuclear.

It's been said before in your thread but I wanted to emphasize: exposure is not done out of anger. It is not a spiteful or vindictive action. Let your anger and indignation help fuel you and give you energy and courage, sure - but the motivation for exposure is love for your H, your daughter, and a desire to build a new, strong, healthy M.

You were already given an example exposure letter/speech. The key things, IMO, are to be very clear, and to reinforce that you love your H and very much want your marriage. Your WH has probably told people that you're separated or even divorced. They need to hear from YOU that you are still very much interested in rebuilding the M and that you love your H.

Now, when you expose, he will go berserk. Expect this. It does NOT mean you've ruined your chances for recovering the M. It DOES mean you've thrown a bucket of cold water on the A and he will be madder than a wet hen. He will come at you with all sorts of accusations. He'll tell you he was about to move home but he could never live with such a spiteful, hateful, controlling person. He'll say the A had been over for a long time but you've driven him straight into OW's arms. He'll say (my personal favorite) that he can never trust you again after you did this.

EXPECT this reaction and know that it is good. It shows that you've hit the affair where it counts. He will be wanting to lash out and you will be his target. It won't last forever - just a few days.

When he comes at you with this stuff, don't argue, don't protest, don't try to get him to see logic. Look him square in the eye and say with a voice filled with determination "I am willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild our marriage." and then change the subject. Ask him if he'd like a potato chip (that's Mel's line and a darn good one!)

The affair will not end on its own. He will not end it. Why should he? He has forbidden fruit and you are waiting in the wings.

Nuclear exposure. You CAN do it.

OR tell ya what.

Go to his flat at lunch time and you can catch him in the act of banging OW.

Don't warn him before you expose.

Hon, you SAW the switchboard call.
You KNOW it was deleted.
You KNOW the A is ongoing.

You are frightened, and that is normal. Your world is crashing down and you feel like no matter what you do it will be the wrong thing. You want to just wait and hope it goes away... and THAT is the worst thing you can do (other than tip your hand regarding exposure).

You know there is an A.
It hurts. I'm sorry.

don't worry about the OWH, SHE IS NOT. And she knows him better than you.

Are you going to go stake out his apartment tomorrow? Why not drive over there right now and see what you can see?

hon, we are not trying to be mean, we are trying to help you wake up. You are believing what you want to believe rather than what is true. And that is a fatal mistake. If you continue to believe the words of a lying wayward spouse, you are going to end up very hurt.

Please wake up. you don't have to take our word for it. Go stake out his apartment for a few days if you don't believe us. We would all love to be proven wrong.

Sorry, but your WH is so full of [censored] and everyone on this thread knows that what he is saying and doing is typical wayward behavior.

My wife suffered from the abuse of my horrid words and lies, just as you are suffering now. I'm so very sorry for where you are.

You need to shut off the flow of crap spewing from his lips (ignore the babble) and trust the advice you have received so far.

No way you let WH back home until he commits to working on the marriage and going NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT! That means H leaves the job, you cannot control if OW leaves the job, so there is no other option for you or H to consider! Seems impossible, but it's really not!

YOU have not blown anything apart..... It's ALL on your H's shoulders.

Expose!

Expose!

It crushes the waywards fantasy about how everything will be all nice and comfy.
It gave me a huge dose of reality once it happened! Consequences Began To Happen QUICKLY!

You want WH to be uncomfortable.
You want WH to see that his bachelors life is sucking already!

You want WH to become as mad as I was...... I whined like the selfish two year old I had become!

My wife saved my life and saved our marriage by taking this one action..... The only mistake she made was not exposing deeper than she did!

YOU are not telling lies with exposure, you are bringing HIS lies into the light of day.....

Hang in there, your marriage is far from over.

ok last ditch effort here for the easy way out...:)

I'd like to first try putting pressure on him to leave his job or her to leave. I was too gullable before to believe they could stay there...

Or is exposure the ONLY way??

After this, I will stop asking I promise!!