For me, thanks for the bump N2F
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A boundary is not defined as "something I don't like."

A boundary is defined as "something I will defend no matter what."

A very common question is, "How do I enforce a boundary? How do I make my spouse stop lying, how do I make my spouse stop dating OP, how do I make my spouse start taking care of our family instead of someone else's?"

The answer is: You don't.

Trying to "make" people do the things listed above is not enforcing a boundary. It's control, it's manipulation, it's laying down demands, etc. etc. etc.

And none of it works.

The answer to the question, "How Do I Enforce A Boundary?" is virtually always the same:

You remove yourself from the situation. You stop allowing the boundary trespasser to have any access to you at all.

This is what's meant by, "You can't control others. You can only control yourself."

You can't "make" your spouse stop lying to you - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

You can't "make" your spouse stop dating OP - - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

You can't "make" your spouse take care of your family instead of someone else's - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

Get the idea now?

Boundaries are for *you*. They are to protect you from people who would do you harm. They are NOT about "making" others do anything. They are about protecting *YOU*.

Castle walls don't make the invaders stop their cruel and destructive attitudes - but they do protect you from their intrusion.

Boundaries are castle walls.

And as far as anger goes, you will find that good boundaries will make much of it go away. Good boundaries really do make RAGE dissipate, because anger + fear = rage. Good boundaries keep you safe, and when you are safe, fear goes away. You will certainly have some righteous anger left, sure, but the RAGE will fade away because there is no longer the fear hanging around to fuel it.
_________________________
Lil 35, Flick 39
DD's 17,12
Recovery 21/7/08
lildoggie@ymail.com

Have people here actually posted what they wrote or said after plan B?

10 june 2008
Dear WH
Today is the 3 month date of when you walked out of my life. It comes after 3 of the hardest months of my life. And now your back. I know you don’t really have any feeling for me yet & that you miss her. I understand and yet it still saddens me,
When you sent me those txt last Wednesday I was so blown away and happy and full of hope as I was so close to telling you it was over.
I cherish the things you have done this last week. Making more contact with me, a txt with xxx in it, buying my pic on FB, taking ‘sexy eyes’ off her pic, resisting looking at her house last night, changing the cell tone, possibly deleting her numbers from your phone.
WH please look at my list. Please talk about it with me. Give me your own requests. These will make me feel you are serious about making this work.
Right now I still feel very insecure about all this. To be honest a large part of me thinks that really you are just biding your time, waiting for her to wake up, make contact and declare undying love and fidelity to you. Until then, you here because it means you get your meals cooked, your clothes cleaned and sex, and it’s better than stating on your own at FIL’s.
I never want to feel like I did when you told me it was over, ever again. I couldn’t bear it, it nearly killed me. Something I have learnt over this time is that while my life without feels incomplete, I can survive without you.
As long as I don’t feel you want to work on our marriage, I am going to hold back a part of my heart so that if you leave, it doesn’t hurt so much.
You probably wont like this letter, I didn’t like writing it. I am sorry I haven’t been the wife you want. Help me to be her
Love LD

Dear Flick,
This is the most difficult letter that I’ve ever written in my life.

I have been doing a lot of thinking in the 3 weeks since you ‘came home’. I have finally come to some conclusions.
I still have feelings for you that range from great affection to love. This surprises me considering the amount of hurt I have felt during the last 6 months. I guess this proves to me that I did have a large love balance with you. It is because of these feelings that I still have that I have come to realise some things.
I would like to retain these good feelings and memories of you, I do not wish to grow to hate you.
So despite the fact that really I do not want to do this, the sensible part of me dictates that I have let you come home too early, too easily, and have not stood up for myself. I have allowed you to cross boundaries I shouldn’t have. I have a strong commitment to my marriage, but not at the expense of my self worth. I want to stay a joyful person.

I want you to know that I am truly sorry for my part in creating the environment that helped to make this affair possible. I pursued my career without understanding my primary responsibility as your wife. I deeply regret that I did not give you the time, attention, and affection that you desired to be happy. I hope that one day you will forgive me so we can create a new future together.

Over these last few months, I have been learning what a marriage should be and I’ve tried to show you this during the times that we’re together and I have learnt alot. It’s like a light bulb came on for me and I think I know what’s needed to make our marriage a happy, loving and supportive place to be. I have made so many changes. I believe I have shown to you that I can and am willing to make these changes. But the biggest thing I have learned is that there isn’t anybody or anything as important to me as you are. I truly believe you are the man I asked God for, and that He sent you to me. However, every time I see you or talk to you now, my heart breaks because I want so much for things to be different. I want more than you are willing to give to me right now.

I am confident that we can overcome our problems and that we can start a new life together meeting each other’s needs so that we can both be happy. Even if it involves moving away from dairying so that we can spend more time with each other, and enjoying our two wonderful girls, spending time doing new things together and with friends, making memories.

I’ve tried so hard to stay connected to you even under extremely difficult circumstances & I treasure every contact that we have. However, this situation has become too excruciating for me to endure. Knowing that you want someone else is tearing me to pieces. This is unbearable. Also I know you are still seriously grieving Fred. I want to help you with that, and be supportive; it was a very sad time for me too. I regret that we both couldn't have been of more comfort to each other

So I’m asking you to please understand that I need to protect my feelings for you so that if you decide to give our marriage a real chance, I will still love you and want to try again. The only way I can think of to do this is to end all contact with you until the PQ is no longer a part of our marriage and you are truly willing to work on it. This kills me because this is not what I want. I haven’t made this decision to punish you; it’s to protect my feelings for you and our chances at a real reconciliation. If I carry on like this, there will be nothing left. I almost sent you a letter similar to this after Rarotonga, but you said you wanted to come home. I should have done it anyway. These last 3 weeks have been very bittersweet.

Please do not call, e-mail, or text unless you have permanently separated from The PQ and have decided that you want to work on rebuilding our marriage with me. I don’t want your relationship with the girls to suffer more so I will be as flexible as possible with visitation of them, however you can’t have contact with me during pick up and drop off times. I would also like any of the regular communications between us to be handled through a mutual friend or relative of your choice, such as your mum, Nikki or Vikki D

It is not that I don't want you in my life, I want this more than anything, but I want all of you… and I want you all to myself. Sharing you is just too painful. I hope that one day you will decide to come back so we can begin again. I want to grow old with you.

Love Lil

I've been thinking about writing that email and I have decided not to do it.

You need to have a plan about finding and maintaining employment. You needto cut way back on the alcohol. And we both need to be more courteous and considerate of each other.

Dear H:

I am looking forward to your coming home on Tuesday. We've all I missed you.

I want to share with you how I am honestly feeling. I am afraid. [repetition for dramatic effect. Not necessary. Less drama's better.] I am afraid that I will fail at meeting the goals I have set for myself thus ultimately failing at attaining the goal most important to me--to be in love with you again.

I am also afraid that you will choose not to address [His stuff! Not OK.] tThe issues I brought up in my first letter, which are still a cause of great pain and anxiety to me. [Your stuff. OK.]

I hope you have a safe flight home. I am taking it one day at a time, baby steps. I have set great goals for myself, but am trying to refrain from falling prey to expectations. [I'm not sure what the second part of that means, but I don't like the sound of it. Expectations of him, maybe? Which again, is his stuff]

Love,

OH [Good!]

Just as well...
[quote]You need to have a plan about finding and maintaining employment. You needto cut way back on the alcohol. And we both need to be more courteous and considerate of each other.

I said that's what I really wanted to say. I didn't say I was going to say that. Ok, you can 2x4 me for the mental DJ but it is what it is.

It's moot anyway since I'm not sending it.

I'm still planning on sitting down with him soon after his return and asking him about his plans.