Because he is still entangled with her.

vst, I am so glad you have gotten all of this help and now it isn't just ME telling you to expose...please let us know what the PI says, personally I think you should do it no matter what the cost is...what is your other option? You are not going to believe us no matter what; concrete proof is your only hope.

I'm not being negative . . . I think she should coordinate with the OW's H AND the PI as not to waste money . . . that was my point. You should coordinate the INTEL . . .afterall if she hires the PI and the OW is home with her H that night . . . what's the use? Re-read what I posted!

VST,

I know you are more than overwhelmed with what you are facing. But please, please, please listen to Melody. I was exactly where you are just two years ago next month. Melody walked me through the same conversations she is now having with you.

She was right, and I wasted time and emotional energy that I could not afford on the what if's.

These are some of the hardest things you will ever do in your life. But you CAN do this. Just keep focused on your goal...

fighting the affair and saving your family.

Here's the problem with the do-it-yourself approach.

I kept trying to hire a PI, and for one reason or the other, it kept falling through. All the while, I was collecting intel on my own. I followed him when he still lived at home, at drove by his condo when he had moved out. I followed his checking account online. My emotional strength took a huge hit every time I did this. Found a $300+ check written to OW, found her vehicle at his business after hours, found him at his condo in the middle of the business day, and on and on.

It would have been much easier to have hired someone and have them collect data and then I get it all at once. But instead, I had to face it day after day. It would have been well worth the money to just have it in my hands and not have to keep snooping.

Hire the PI and save your emotional strength for your Plan A. You're going to need it.

Just my .02

vst, please STOP procrastinating.

Your H is repeating the same wayward babble that flowed from my mouth and every other waywards mouth. You would think waywards could be more original......sigh.....

The advice on your thread to expose and follow a plan is right on. You can analyze it to death with, "what if's". But right now LACK of expose is your only enemy. After exposure there will be stomping around like a typical selfish two year old for a bit, but how is that worse than your H continuing to abuse you. And YES, you are experiencing a horrid form of abuse at the hands of the man you want to protect.

You want proof????? Your H has already had CONFIRMED sex with another person....... What are you protecting??? ....... Has he protected you??? .......

Come on vst, the worst possible reactions to exposure are mild compared to what you have already suffered through...... I mean what's he going to do?

Move out?
Have an affair?
Destroy his family?

HE ALREADY DID THESE!!!!

And your worried if he is going to lose his job or be be angry?

Do you see how illogical you are being by hesitating?

ok helpers, here's where things stand. I had already talked to a lawyer a while back and I know that I have him by the gonads right now. Financially I'll be fine, IF he doesn't lose his job. Now, for those for whom it was worth it to risk the job to save the marriage, I'm just not sure there is anything to save for us. I'm being totally honest here. Although I've gotten up to this point, I still have the nagging feeling that it still wouldn't be enough and I'd be shooting myself in the foot. However, because of where things stand right now, being in limbo isn't a good place for me. I saw the PI and I'm willing to put up the $1,000 to find out FOR SURE.

tst, My only worry is his losing his job. That's it. His anger is meaningless to me. Economic times are the pits right now, do you think he's going to look at me and suddendly decide he loves me after all when he loses the job he so so loves?? His job is his identity! I totally get what all of you are saying but the catch 22 is HUGE. Maybe I should just accept the fact that he does not love me, take my nice alimony check, stay in the town that I love and live me life. I'm going to take some time after all this information overload, and let my mind take it all in. I truly appreciate all of you, I do and I hope you'll still be here for me through this, whatever happens.

Plus, tst, if I expose, he'll just say to everyone, yes we did it, but it's over, everybody believes him and then nothing changes. What then?

I know you all want to strangle me right now......

VST, you certainly have the right to divorce if that is what you choose. But if you make that choice because you think your husband will never love you, I suggest you read Dr. H's articles here first.

Learn about the love bank and how deposits are made and withdrawn, emotional needs, love busters, how affairs begin.

Once you understand that information, you will be better equipped to make the best decision.

I believe the best case scenario in ALL families is for the mom and dad to stay married and to be in love. Dr. H shows how that can happen, even in the worst situations, if the MB program is implemented.

I've told my H all along that "loving feelings follow loving actions", ect. He is not buying it. He thinks it's either you're the "right" person for me or you're not. And because he's not feeling anything for me, and our marriage has been "dead" for so long now, how will he ever ever come to believe any of that??

Hire the PI then and let him get the proof...that way he cannot say "it's over" when you have physical proof.

But I wouldn't wait long...hire the PI today and tell him to get on it.

Be careful about who you tell that you are doing this...you do not want a WORD of it leaking out to WH.

OF COURSE he's not buying it. He's in an affair. He will never agree to any of that as long as he is in an affair and in the fog.

He doesn't see the devastation that this will cause your daughter. He doesn't see what it's doing to you. He doesn't even see the damage it's causing himself. He fees entitled and justified to destroy all of you.

Right now, he will say and do everything he can to protect his affair.

You really have to stop listening to anything he says. You are listening to an irrational person.

Waywards are insane, just remember that. It would work better to talk to a brick wall, that is how much you are getting through to him.

He is doing the ever-so-common "rewriting" of your marital history. You MUST ignore it. Do you know anything about reverse babble?

Also, we need to get you into a kick*ss Plan A ASAP. (this is to be done CONCURRENT with your snooping and exposure).

Do you have any idea what his ENs are? Admiration is often a high one for men...you should begin there.

Hi VST - Hope you are feeling better. Let everyone know what you decide. I felt like the ENEMY with my H too. Everything I said he argued with . . . to justify his actions. I knew why he was saying all of those hurtful things but they still hurt. Do you miss him?

Found this link for you, not sure if it's been linked for you or not...very good reading here, you need to get familiar with this:

Pep's Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Very important info on that link, SVT. Be sure to read it.

Thanks MF, OS, SMB, I have ordered the book SAA. I will start the PI on Monday and see what he comes up with. This is good timing for me and my H as of right now I've been pretty nice and haven't "gone off" about something for a little while. No one will know about the PI and we'll just wait and see. The PI told me that if he doesn't catch him doing somthing w/in 2 wks, he's not doing anything. This is just from his personal experience. But from what I described to him about the emotional conn. between them, he feels he'll have something in a couple of days. Kinda of sick to hope he does find something BUT I'll never have peace if he doesn't....

Here's what's causing my "what if's". I just sent him this email regarding him not wanting to come home yet, to stroke his ego and meet his EN: "I want to let you know that I appreciate your honesty here. I think it's noble of you to want to do the right thing. I understand that being alone right now to deal with your own issues is something you have to do. Just know that I recognize your efforts and I thank you for showing some integrity in dealing with this. Obviously I want our marriage to work out and become something great for my own personal gain but for Erin as well. Any child deserves to have her mommy and daddy together and in a loving relationship."

and here's his response: "Thank you… And your last sentence is really what is driving me to give this every chance possible… Not to say you aren’t important… It’s just that Erin is precious to me beyond words…"

If this is lying, HOW can he do it??