Hello everybody, I have decided to start a new thread. The title of the old thread is out of date.
This first post is a repost of my most recent post



It has been a while since I have written.
I could make all sorts of excusses, the long hot summer days, the fact that I have been sooooo busy at work (I haven't) and the rising cost of electricity making the computer to costly to run. ALL A LOAD OF RUBBISH, I have just been to slack!

Lil and I celebrated our 13th wedding Annv at the begining of January and we got each other nothing. This is normal, it falls so close after Christmas that we are all gifted out, we do not want to get anything else, we get gifts for each other on other days - days that have no special meaning. When I say we give each other nothing I mean nothing solid, nothing material (no I am not trying to hint at sex - we didn't partake this year). This year I gave Lil the words to a song (it's on the music thread) and she gave me an F as in FWH. It is a gift that I wish I had never needed, a gift that I am proud to have earned and a gift that I will treasure always as a reminder of how close I came to destroying my marriage and how lucky I am to have a wife who cares enough to fight to get me back and to fight to get our marriage back. I am one lucky man.
So how is it all going?
Lil and I drove past the OW house, which has been on the market for several months, she has not lived there in that time - if she had I would not have driven past it, it is on a main route so is a bit unavoidable, any way we saw that the house had sold and we were pleased that by the house being sold it would remove OW from our district, one less reason for her to come back here. It also stops that house being HER house, now it is someone elses house and that does not stop the memories but it does put some distance between the memories and the now. What I mean by memories is more of the "big picture" memories, I make a big effort to not revisit the details of what took place, that could be like an alchoholic thinking about how good it used to be to have a few drinks and then before they know it they have a drink in their hand.

So how is the recovery going? I reckon we have to be doing very well, we are making each other happy and spending time together and getting through some hard family times together and we know we can rely on each other to be there and hold each other up when the going gets hard.

We had the greatest time away the other week, camping and motorbiking and eating all the wrong food and drinking just a little more than we should, it was great. Not too long now untill the next adventure.............

It all sounds too possitive to be true dosen't it. Well there are still days when I do think about the OW, this has been fueled to some degree by a breach of NC, NOT BY ME OR LIL, a friend or aquaintance (I don't know who) of OW contacted Lil and said that OW has a new boyfriend, I thought about that a little bit for a few days and then realised that it was a good thing and it had nothing to do with me. It is a good thing because it puts me out of her mind (possibly) and that could strengthen NC and it has nothing to with me because she is in the past and it is a past that is not being preserved in a favourable way in my mind.
I wish Lil had not shared it with me but it was a breach of NC (sort of) and she had to tell me about it, that's the rules. Any way we are doing what we do best, we are moving on.

DD16 is being a real pain in the neck now, her latest comunications are just completely off the scale - the details are elsewhere on the MB forums so I will not repeat the tale - this is putting Lil and I under a lot of pressure and the good news is we are getting through it quite well together.
I did have one bad day when I completely lost my cool with DD16 and had a big ugly angry outbust at her, not the best way to handle things.

Well time is ticking on and I am getting sleepy so I am going to bed - good night.

Hello! I will be participating in the Scott Firefighter Stairclimb in Seattle on March 8th.
The stair climb is a fundraising event for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society.
It would be wonderful if you could support me with a donation. My efforts, and the efforts of my fellow fire fighters will help make a big difference in the fight against blood cancers.

I saw the OW

Lil and I were in the supermarket the otehr day, we needed to pick up a few things for dinner. We were walking up the isle past the energy drinks when I spotted a woman who looked like OW. I did not see her entire face but I saw enough of her to make me think that it was very likely to be her, a 90% possitive ID. The hair, the jaw line, the way she walked, her general appearance, they all fitted. I did not tell Lil that I had seen her, I just kept us moving away from OW, down to the end of the next isle and then we had to go back up the next isle. I hoped that OW would be gone from that part of the store by the time we got back there, but she was still at the end of the same isle. As we came out of the isle OW very swiftly went down the isle and away from us, it appeared as if she was keeping her face away from us to avoid being seen. I did not see her again. After the first sighting of her I asked Lil if there was anything else that we needed, "cat food" was the answer, so we headed back for the cat food, then she wanted to get beer. The beer is at the other end of the shop and I did not want to go down there for fear of seeing OW again, so I said we could get the beer from another shop, I made it clear to Lil that I wanted to get out of the shop without telling her why.
She got the message and we left swiftly. Once we were in the car I told Lil that I had spotted OW in the shop, Lil was a little bit pissed that I had not told her in the shop.
How did seeing her make me feel? The first thought in my head was "is that really her?" I even looked back to try and see if it was, at that point I felt the FOG coming over me and I knew it was time to get the hell out of there, I felt repulsed by the thought of being near OW and I wanted to protect Lil from an encounter with her.
I have not been to town with out Lil since then. I keep my eyes open for OW when we are in town now, just in case she is back in the area and so that I can stay away from her if she is in town at the same time as us. I know it would be too easy for me to break NC, I also know that it is not worth the damage.
I wish I could just erase her from my mind.

So did I do the right thing by not telling Lil I had seen OW while we were still in the shop, or was it OK that I waited until we were outside? I guess I should have told her straight away, but I was starting to feel insecure, like an anxiety attack was going to get a grip on me. I had so many anxiety attacks when I was having the A, it was bloody horrible, I don't want to have any more of them.

I think the best way to avoid having to ask the above question is to come up with hypothetical situations, in advance, together, on how to best handle such situations should they occur. Then you don't have to second guess yourselves or deal with hurt feelings. I think your handling of the situation was fine...but I'm not married to you so my opinion means nothing.

If OW is in your hometown shopping this could happen again. What will you do? What should you do...say, if you are alone and OW see's you first and approaches you?

There was one couple on MB way back when that had an OM that kept trying to come up and talk to the FWW. He wanted to check up on her or apologize or whatever. She just walked away quick. I suggested, for a short time, she literally wear a whistle, such that, the next time OM approached she could blow it loud in his face. He'd surely then never dare approach her again. I know it might sound ridiculous and that may be an approach if and when you feel OW is stalking you and trying to corner you, but it would work as an extra-ordinary precaution you and your wife could POJA out as part of the hypothetical's I mentioned above.

I'm soooo fortunate OM lives 750 miles away as I never had to deal with this.

Mr. Wondering

Flick,

I can certainly identify with the panic attacks with the prospect of seeing either of my xOM (there are 2). One lives 50 miles from us but he does come in to town every once in a while to go to the outlet mall with his son.

The most recent one lives very close to us and I literally feel paranoid sometimes. I had been having panic attacks on the weekends out of fear that he would come by and confront me and/or my H. I talked to our counselor about that and she said to come up with an agreeable plan between us, which we did. I am too early out of my NC day to even have a chance meeting like that. Thank God Lil with you.

Flick,


Time will change this. My FOM and his W lived around the corner from us and 95% of the A took place at their house because his W traveled and they did not have children. Once they moved and the new people moved in the memories started to fade. It's been almost 5 1/2 years since the A ended and close to 3 years since they moved and honestly I can literally walk by the place and have no memories pop up whatsoever. Last summer when I was out for a walk, I actually stopped and chatted with the new people when they were in the front yard and nothing about the A came to my mind at all. I drive by the place daily and never think of FOM or the A. Stay on the right track for recovery and you will get there, too.

LC

OMGosh

Did the cops or a good samaritan ever tackle him to the ground as he ran away???

That really is funny.

I think you did good, Flick, in telling Lil as soon as you were able to. Also, I thought it was good that you KNEW the foggy feeling when it started and got the hell away.

Kudos, Flick.

I like that idea about working through hypothetical situations, thanks for that.

I do not think that OW is a permanent feature of our town, she has strong ties to another town, she has some friends in our town so I guess she visits from time to time. So, what I'm saying is, the chances of running into her in town are slim, but not zero. So we still need to have a plan but we don't need to panic ourselves about it.

I loved the idea about the whistle too,

This is a question only Lil Doggie can answer.
What does she say?

Hello everybody,

Today is exactly seven months since I ended the A and came home.

7 months of recovery and things are looking fairly normal again.

Thank God I have a wife who thinks I'm worth fighting for.

Recovery is hard work sometimes but it is worth it.

Flick, you sound greatful and proud, and so you should be. For every one who has done what you have done and then come here, there are a thousand who would never have the courage. Congratulations you and lildoggie!

Flicks grandma had a massive stroke this morning and did not respond to family members who tried to wake her.

She has been sent home from the hospital with the doctors saying there is nothing to be done. It is not expected that she will live to tommorrow morning.

At this stage I am unsure if she has regained conciouness or not. Flick has gone to Auckland to be with his mother and Aunt. I cannot go yet as my boss is away and there is no-one available to care for the farm.

Prayers for Flick and the family will be much appreiciated.

I pray that all members of the family will have peace at this time.

You have mine, Lil

Hugs and prayers from us, Lil.

Just to say that Grandma passed away a couple of hours ago.

The family are sad, but know that she is with the Lord and with her beloved H who died 10 years ago.

Many thanks for your prayers.

The prayers continue, Lildoggie, for Flick and all of the family. Safe travels to and from the funeral.

Take care and God bless.

flick...please keep posting....

So sad to hear this. Prayers for Flick and your family.