I agree it sounds like he's in an affair.

Keep busting your tail to meet those ENs by admiring him, flirting with him, doing fun things and letting him know how much he would have enjoyed it (not a clingy "I wish you would have been there"), always look your best in case you run into him, keep the house nice in case he does come by.

Do NOT bring up relationship talk!!!

In the meantime snoop and find out about this affair so that you can expose it. Don't let him know you're planning on exposing though! Just Plan A your hiney off and become a star investigator.

And please forgive me for not offering my condolences. You have had one stress after another, almost too much for anyone. So sorry you have been going through all of this.

No wonder the marriage was suffering!

A pox on hubby for not supporting you through all of this.

yes, he was a good husband, and very attentive, and i believe he was faithful. but then things begin to turn.

You still suggest that I continue with Plan A. and find out about the affair. If he is having an affair, and when the affair does end, if it hasn't already. Then what. do you believe that he will attempt to return home.

I did call him today and ask about the hot tub piece, he said that he would bring it by. did not say when. I was pleasant, and short, I ask how he was doing, and said that doing ok, I told him I had to go and that I would talk with him later, and hungup the phone. ( How was that for no relationship talk and keeping it short and sweat)?

What does this hard attitude mean. Is it a protection to keep me moving forward. or is it to protect himself from engaging in conversation.

I just wonder about the amout of time that goes into investigation. Should I find out where he lives and go over there and have him turn me away, or just set outside and watch the movement going in and out. should i have my girlfriend do the work, so he want recognize my car

last night my husband came over and we talked. He is still angry at me he said for not meeting his needs. we talked about love deposits. He said the house looked nice, and I had something in oven, he walked upstairs with me and I gave him some pictures of his daugther and grandbaby for her 20th birthday. He said he missed being at home, but he was still mad, (I think at his self). He said that his friends told him he should not have ever left home. But he said that he was going through much hell here, he had to leave. He also said that he had a few words with the other woman, because she told him that I told her some things regarding our relationship, I told him that I never had a conversation with her regarding our marriage except to say that she needed to stop messing around with married men, anything, which is true.

He said that he has some work to do, and I gave him a key.

I believe he is working his way back home, just not sure how I will respond to things, after the affair, I told him that we would have to allow time to take care of things and that I understand the transition, and that we are not the same people, we have grown, and that the marriage would be stronger because we would not let this kind of stuff happen again, not meeting each others needs.

Am I on the right track?

I am looking for advice for the next step.

last night my husband came over and we talked. He is still angry at me he said for not meeting his needs. we talked about love deposits. He said the house looked nice, and I had something in oven, he walked upstairs with me and I gave him some pictures of his daugther and grandbaby for her 20th birthday. He said he missed being at home, but he was still mad, (I think at his self). He said that his friends told him he should not have ever left home. But he said that he was going through much hell here, he had to leave. He also said that he had a few words with the other woman, because she told him that I told her some things regarding our relationship, I told him that I never had a conversation with her regarding our marriage except to say that she needed to stop messing around with married men, anything, which is true.

He said that he has some work to do, and I gave him a key.

I believe he is working his way back home, just not sure how I will respond to things, after the affair, I told him that we would have to allow time to take care of things and that I understand the transition, and that we are not the same people, we have grown, and that the marriage would be stronger because we would not let this kind of stuff happen again, not meeting each others needs.

Am I on the right track?

It sounds like you have Plan A in place and have started to work on understanding each other's needs. The next thing would be understanding the love busters - click on most popular link (right of your screen).

GG

thank you, I have read through the LB's earlier and the concepts have helped me with the stratgies for conversation. I have not heard from him today, but I also need time to think. I believe he wants to come home, just trying to feel me out. If I am in the right mindset to deal with moving forward without drama. I am. however, I want him to be sure that he wants this marriage too. I think he does because he is inching his way back this way. slowly. He is seeking spiritual guidance and I think he will find it. He just does not want to hurt me anymore, not even with his presence. So, If I can manage to work through the process of what has happened, I believe he will return.

I am working on me and pursuing some personal goals, as well as working on my spiritual guidance. He projects a lot, and I try to here him, but I am not a therapist. I wish he would take upon him self to seek some individual counseling for now, and then bring me in to work on marriage issues. He is trying, it is just hard to forgive oneself for being foolish and dealing with the feelings shame and guilt. natural consequences.

I am being to understanding, He just seems so hurt and frustrated at himself, that's a good thing, he needs to feel and understand the hurt he has caused me and our family.

No punishmet, but life on lifes terms.

I have taken your advice, and have been pleasant, and continue to send emails, and text, sometimes he response and sometimes he doesn't. but for the most part, he still stay in communication of some sort. having him come over last evening was good. He is still guarded but he came. Look around said how nice the house was looking,and notice that I was cooking something in the oven, and as if I was cooking something. he noticed! the house, the smell, and me. and this time he took the key. If he was thinking of reconciliation he would not have taken the key.

Your thoughts!!!

correction: if he was not thinking of reconciliation he would not have taken the key!

While you are married, he is legally allowed to enter into the house. The theory is not to argue with him while in plan A.

If he is penniless right now, maybe he wants to use you to have access to the house belongings.

As for the comment about growing in maturity - I would keep off the subject of relations. What needs to happen is that he must demonstrate trustworthiness else he will be exposed.

Remember that Plan A is about the carrot and the stick.

I know he is legally allowed in the house. He does not come by or even help with the bills. Maybe thats why he feels that he should not move anything. I always turn the alarm on when I am gone and when I am here. So he would need the code to get in so the alarm would not go off.

I believe he is short on funds, but he has a good job that pays good money.

I don't argue with him, even if he raises his voice. He did say that maybe he should have been more stronger in his wishes instead of leaving.

He did admit that he holds grudges way to long, and he was quit upset when I changed the locks after he left. He wanted to get back in and get his things while I was away after a week of being gone, but since that time I have offered to him plenty of opportunities to get his things. He just doesn't get them. Even now when he was here the other evening he did not touch anything, he just looked around and said how nice things looked, and said that it looked like I have done more since he has been gone than when he was there.

I still have not heard back from him since Monday. He did take the pictures over to his daughter, his mother told me.

I made sure the house was inviting and warm, and that I looked well. I did bring up our marriage, he said that he believes that it would not be fair to me for him to return because he does not trust that I will work on the marriage. Now, he is the one who stepped outside of the marriage. I can't make any since out of that.

Even though he said that he has a lot of work to do. He has not included me in the work.

What does that mean.

Here's a link to carrot and stick for refresh...

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2224241&page=1



It's gobblyguk - that's what it means. It's his excuse to carryon with OW and keep you at bay. Stick to Carrot & Stick.

so what would be my next move?

should I tell him that I am getting a room mate to help with the expenses? It's been 8 months now, and I could use the help. It appears that he is not making any move to come back home. He is just wanting to see what is going on with me. Now why would he want to know what is going on with me, if he is happy in his fantasy world?

I text him to ask if his daughter like the pictures, he has not responded, it has been 3 hours.

If this is a way to ask his help. Go for it!

Your WH does seem to be a very surly sort. Why do you want him back?

by surly sort, he has his mind made up, and I am just the one holding on.

I want him back if he will come back, because I still have hope that our marriage can be repaired, and rebuilt.

Is just me or the Plan A right now is not working. or should I move on?

He is not responding the way I would like, not one bit! I feel like he is slowing moving away from me. making it so I will not want him. keeping his distance. and saying little.

I wanted my marriage to work, but that is just me. I believed we had what it took to work it out. I guess he feels different.

It sounds like you need to go to Plan B.

GG

are you saying that I should stop Plan A - I have 4 more weeks to go. I need to really work Plan A - Doesn't it say that I shouldn't pay attention to what the WS is saying, just work the plan A for at least weeks are until you can't work it anymore, and then move on to Plan B if need be.

I believe that I am in Plan A. He did come by, he did spend some time, he did take the key, when he could have said, I don't need it. And he could have not come at all. So is the advice on track, because different posters say different things, mostly stay with plan A. or are you hearing and seeing something that I don't see?