My husband of 25 years bought a motorcycle THEN told me. He did it 2 years ago, and it almost ended up with divorce. It caused 2 rounds with a marriage counselor and it really tore me up. Plus, his buying habits without communication is causing me to continuously do without to support him. We pretty much bring home the same income, but, I feel so betrayed. I can't trust him. He is a habitual lier, and I'm so frustrated. I'm hurt. Do I have a right to be hurt?

I thought this quote to starstruck from cwmi was so spot on I wanted to pass it on...

Thanks. I read that article a couple of years ago when it caused me to lose 20 lbs, get another couple involved in our marriage and set up marriage counseling.....which was with a man who tried to stay on neutral ground, but, husband just couldn't get it. I bought the Harley books, gave them to him to read and he could have cared less. I am just so over it. I am financially independant, but, he threatens me when I want to leave with paying bills he has run up. I feel emotionally abused, but, in Virginia, that is not grounds for divorce. I have talked to attorney and read alot. But, one thing I don't ever see is outcomes or considerations when both spouses work and one tries to stay within means while the other keeps spending spending and spending and keeps the other spouse from ever filling their wants list. I'm unhappy. He will not change, no one can get through to him. He constantly gets our daugher (21) in the middle. I feel I've done everything I can. Any suggestions to get through to a hard head?

Fiftygal, my ex committed financial betrayal, just like yours is doing. Financial betrayal has less of a gut punch than sexual betrayal, yet the erosion of trust is the same. When someone betrays you financially, they are stealing your time, your life. Look at Bernie Madoff.

If your vote doesn't count, you have a major marriage crisis. If your husband repeatedly refuses to take your wishes into consideration, and he refuses to grow up, you need to protect yourself. In my book, no one has the right to make a major purchase like that without 100% agreement from his spouse. And since on another board, I've run into a lot of people who were widowed via motorcycles, even if your husband was Bill Gates, he shouldn't buy the bike unless you were 100% on board with it.

Talk to an attorney, but instead of asking about grounds for divorce, ask how to protect your assets starting now. Also, ask how you can protect yoursefl against his mounting debts. My guess is you'll need to file for divorce, but there may be other ways.

Good luck.

I can relate. I think you do need to figure out how to protect any assets you have. I was married to a man that sounds just like your husband.

He had everything spent before I even got my check. He bought our first car without my permission. We had gone to look at cars, and afterwards, he went back and bought one without consulting me.

I still have the car (now that we are divorced), and it has been an okay car, but not what I would have chosen. And it cost me half of the $500. monthly payment for 8 years.

My ex also bought a 2003 Anniversary year Harley that I had agreed to buy. I was working overtime to help get the downpayment and while I was working OT, he found another woman.

Only rode once on the Harley before he rode off into the sunset with the OW.

I'd like to add that I know this is a "Marriage Building" site. However, your so-called partner has demonstrated over and again a disregard for your well-being. When that happens, and the spouse is unwilling to change, you need to protect yourself and you future. There's too much at stake. All the information here will tell you it is cheaper to fix your marriage than get a divorce. That is true, supposing you actually fix the problem. In a situation like yours and my first marriage, I was far better off financially getting the divorce. Do you know I actually have a savings account now? I'm out of work and widowed, and I'm not paniced because I have a savings account. Had I stuck it out with my ex and my ex had died, I'd have been up a creek because there'd be no savings and no life insurance. The old Situation X would mean I'd never see any of my ex's estate. I'd be destitute. I'd also have been terribly miserable and never have met my wonderful late husband Mike.

Ask him to return the bike or sell it
Then, develop a savings/spending plan you both agree on

If he wont do this, get a post nup and then maybe a divorce.

No one can live like this.

Fiftygal, I'm another who has had to deal with financial betrayal. With us, it was cars. The first three years of our marriage, my husband bought six cars. Nevermind that I was pregnant all three years, and even if I had to work, getting a job was darn near impossible with a swollen belly.

"Yes, I'd like to work for the next three months, then take the follow three months off, but after that, I'll be the best employee!"

"Uh, why don't you just try back in six months?" lol

The catalyst, for me, was when he traded in a perfectly good SUV for a MONSTER SUV. This thing was huge, you'd need a stepladder to climb into it, and it came with a honkin' huge payment. See, we had three cars at the time; my paid-for Taurus, a Maxima with a payment that I'd been driving (his car from when we met) and his smaller SUV (which was car #4 for him already since giving me the Max). I told him I'd like to sell the Maxima to eliminate that payment, and I'd just go back to driving the Taurus, which he thought was a good idea. Next thing I knew, he traded in both the Max and SUV for this monster that the payment was only $100 less than BOTH of the other cars. I was pregnant and not working, and I knew we couldn't afford it. I was so mad, he said, "You drive the new car, I'll drive your Taurus."

I dared him to let me drive it. I told him it was going to end up repossessed anyway, so the first time I got in it, I was going to total it so insurance would pay it off and we could get out of it.

He turned around and took it back, came home with a leased compact instead, with a tiny little payment. Some hard-headed guys needs to have the crap scared out of them before they do different. In my experience, anyway.

What are the laws in your state about division of debts in case of divorce? You can call a lawyer for a free consultation to make sure, but in my state, individual debts remain individual. Credit cards, car loans, motorcycle loans, they all stay with the party who entered into them.

And what are the laws re: community property? Can you sell the motorcycle? Would you be able to store it (in an undisclosed storage warehouse) until the time that he is willing to reach a financial agreement with you? I don't want you to do anything illegal, but maybe it's time to do something bold.

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Yes indeed, you DO sound like you could be my husband! It is really such a shame when guys don't get it. Us women aren't that hard to please, but, women who have careers and earn their half don't deserve to be walked over and their feelings do need to be considered. This hurts me so bad. I feel so disrespected that I can never trust him again. I wish you good luck. But, I know I never forget when someone has hurt me this bad.

Even women who stay home to raise the children and don't earn squat in the way of actual cash deserve to have a say in the financial matters of the household.

I'm sure you didn't mean to imply that only the women with careers should have a say in the matter.

You are absolutely correct in that women who stay home should have the SAME rights. It is just that a career is very stressful, and, when your own earned money has to buy what HE says, I have to realize that I would be better on my own. He only has good credit because of me. But, he is about to blow that to.

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Sadly, I think you are right. I am making arrangements. I'm leaving.

I'm sure many SAHM feel that thier career is stressful, and that since thier own time is spent on H, they'd be better off on thier own.

Your H does sound like a jerk, and it makes a lot of sense to leave him. And even if you have no intention of reconciling, I think it would serve you well to learn what you can from this place, and figure out what you could have done better in the marriage.

Yes....folks. I do need support. I just can't take it anymore. My sanity and well being just can't deal with it anymore. After marriage counseling twice, this man just will not admit or change anything. I have all the problems. He has none. This is so hard. But, I just can't take him enjoying my hurt anymore. It is though he enjoys seeing me hurt. I really do believe it is a control thing because of my career knowing I can be independant. He can't control some things, but, he uses emotions and ways he can control.

Don't get hateful. Don't get mad when you do somthing wrong and she gets upset. If she crys, believe it. It is hurt, and, making excuses as to why she is wrong, look into what is making her unhappy if you care. She needs HER feelings to be considered. And...when it is....you can't believe what can happen!

Have you thought of getting separate checking and savings accounts and one joint account you both contribute to for all the household bills? Or will he do that?

I understand you're fairly set on moving out and filing for divorce. I have to wonder though, have you done everything you could to fix this problem before you got to this point or are you giving up? Couple of quick questions for you if you want to pursue this at all:

1. Who does the bills and does most of the major purchasing? (groceries, things for the house, etc)

2. Do you both deposit your earnings into a joint account? Does he have his own but you share yours or vice versa?

3. Have you set boundaries, spending allowances, etc for each couple?

4. Is he able to pay for the motorcycle (and other purchases) with his own earnings?

5. What goals is his purchasing habits affecting (retirement, vacations, etc) and are those JOINT goals or just yours?

6. Is this perceived financial betrayal the only problem area in the marriage?

Fiftygal, I think it would be good for you to give some thought to the above questions. I'm not saying that you aren't justified in your current course of action but if you want help beyond affirmation, we need some more details. For the record, I suffered through some VERY painful financial issues due to my wife's spending habits. These issues lasted YEARS. Through proper boundaries, we've gotten past that. It can be done.

T