ok, I'll be back tomorrow evening. Thanks again to all of you!

Still foggy but it's something. Just like my H. during his A. he wouldn't say anything directly to me or about ME. It was just like that. Your WS didn't generate a direct comment to you . . . did you notice that?

Yes, he rarely does. He does say that I'm great and that I would get an A+ across the board but she would get mostly F's, when comparing us....Sad, that we've had this conversation. He says I'm on a petastool and he's a piece of crap. That I'm close to perfect....yeah he said that!

OS, looking back at you saying this....this is us totally!! Where are you now in your M?

I only have a few more min before I have to leave...

But did you happen to notice that the words don't match his actions? He says alot of nice words, but if he really cares more, then why isn't he home? Why isn't he moving home and "giving this every chance possible?"

Can you not see that his words are just empty, meaningless words since they are not backed by action? This is where you are going wrong, vs. You are listening to FOGBABBLE because you want so badly to believe what you can SEE is not true.

IT'S THE ADDICTION!!!

My H loves our kids to DEATH but that did not stop him from risking and almost losing EVERYTHING because of his CRACKHO ADDICTION.

*ding ding ding *

Winner winner chicken dinner.

Seriously hun he is avoiding coming home for a reason.....search your soul.....would this man act so wishy washy before all this happened....or would he follow through?

Now I need to finish attending the memorial service for the fallen police officers of oakland....via internet.

Our pd has sent officers with our memorial offerings.

What happened to them was a tragedy that has affected many.

If you are still there. . . . fence-sitting that's where we both are . . . I think.

It's a very strange phenomena, how a formerly "sane" H can suddenly go off his rocker...we never so much as mentioned the D word before his A.

In fact, his A began somewhere around Jan. or Feb...for Valentine's Day that year he sent me 2 dozen roses with a card that read "I am the luckiest man in the world to have an incredible wife like you...and I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with you." Who woulda thought that 2 months later he'd be banging someone else????

Really, the only explanation is the ADDICTION...I am sure you have witnessed at least SOMEONE who completely mucks up their entire life over drugs or alcohol. When you put it in that perspective, this makes much more sense.

Deep down the addict WANTS to do the right thing...they do not WANT to lose their family and that was not usually their intention...but the CRACK is clouding their perceptions and making everything all FOGGY.

So foggy, in fact, that they cannot even see the OP for what he/she really is. When/if they come out of the fog, they are usually quite appalled at who they had an A with and can't even begin to try to explain what they were thinking.

At least in my experience....

Really, VST, you are no longer dealing with your HUSBAND...you are dealing with an ALIEN, someone who looks and sounds like your H but is NOT.

I know that is a very hard concept to grasp...but it is true. It also makes it very painful because in some ways it SEEMS like this is your H...and that is why you are having such a hard time deciphering HIM from the ALIEN who has taken over.

I have been reading your story and can't help but chime in...I so wish I had discovered MB 3 years ago. I would have received this wonderful advice. I was so scared to tell anyone about my husbands affair for fear of his anger and fear that he would lose his job. His job was his identity, went to school to get his PHD/did a post doc. He made me believe that if he left his job it would be the demise of his career and all that he had worked for. So he continued to work with the OW, all the while promised over and over that the affair had ended and they strictly interacted on a professional basis. Had I exposed in the beginning I would have saved myself 2 years of craziness and pain. I feared his resentment if I demanded him to leave his job.
Long story-short he finally left the job he loved, we moved to another state and have basically started over. It was the best thing we ever did for our marriage. That nagging anxiety and fear left when we finally left town and got away from the OW. If you still love your husband do not procrastinate. Listen to these wise people and expose. You will never begin recovery until NC is established. Do not listen to his words! I heard ALL the same stuff. You need to listen to his actions.

In other words, the alien LIES his [censored] off and does whatever he can to keep you around while he cake eats and drags this out for as long as he can...he probably has no "long-term plans". He is just looking forward to his next fix.

<For example, when I ask my H now WHERE he thought that relationsh*t was going, he says he WASN'T thinking, in fact he knew that it wasn't going ANYWHERE...he was only living day-to-day, trying to get through each hour, and lying to both me and the OW to keep getting his "fixes"...>

Sick, eh?

That is an excellent way of explaining it. At the time I just could not believe my husband could behave so destructively. The husband I married was a moral, loving, loyal, affectionate man. But while he was in his affair he was an alien. The only explanation is the addictive nature of the affair makes them totally crazy. It is not until the affair is really over they can come out of the fog and begin acting like the real person you know and love.

My husband said the same thing.

wow.....guys....I know I really do get it, I'm still just paralyzed with fear but I'm working on getting stronger and with your help, I know I'll get there. I just got off the thread "oh god help, help, help and I crazy?!" and read Pepperbands definition of the "fog" and it was amazing. I know without a doubt that my H is THERE. But I also feel tiny tiny flicks of doubt in him and him clinging to me for my "sanity?". So it gives me some hope. I also read LostVa's story and was blown away.....although my H isn't living with the OW he isn't here so I see some similarities there.

Anyway, thanks for sticking with me. I still plan to hire the PI and once I have the proof in hand (which I know I'll get) I will move forward.

I know lots of you think that move is unnecessary.....I guess it's my lack of strength and H still stringing my along that makes me want to be able to actually hand him the proof and see his face.

Been sitting here reading other's posts. Read a thing about fear by *fish which IS ME RIGHT NOW. I also realize that I am probably addicted to my WH AND feeling such indignation that I feel that I must prove myself RIGHT in exposing the truth (that the A is still on). My WH is displaying ALL the symptoms described herein that it is making my head spin. BUT he is not totally shutting me down,.....I have to face it however, if the OW were available, he probably would be......wouldn't he?

Let us know when you are ready to act.

will do, ML.

Hey, just thinking 'bout something: Advice from experienced WS please....WH in a PA with co-worker. WH has his pad about 10 min from work. He says they rarely had opportunity to do anything and especially now that they've been bagged.....question: I believe they've taken the PA more underground now so how often do you think they are "risking" being together? Can they go a week or 2 without?

No they can't. And yes it continues. So Sorry .

Re expose to OWH. Let him know that your WH has a place ten minutes from work.

My FWW told me that she didn't have time for an A. But she often left work at midday and would return home around 4pm, like she always did .

There's always time to fit it in!!!

Tell OWH today!!!!!!!!

All Blessings,
Jerry