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VST
Totally with Mel, they are def. seeing each other every day. Get on and tell her H.
Evidence is good, I wish I'd had some to show my FOMsW. He's convinced her that me and my H are nuts!!!
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I'm hiring a PI next week. I said the same thing....... for nearly 3 months..... didn't do it......... couldn't do it....... too scared......... afraid of what the outcome would be..... what WH would do..... afraid of what would become of me.... my children..... my family..... ended up having enough........of the abuse, the rollercoaster, the turmoil ended up "finding" them on my own......(much cheaper than a PI....  ) Affair busted.... within 5 weeks, affair over..... Now, in recovery.......  some days I do wonder "whatif" I had done this sooner.....can't do that, BUT.... I suggest listening to Mel.....she's knows....been here advising this with the same results time and time again......for a VERY LONG TIME...... My thoughts and prayers go out to you.....  not2fun
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Thanks not2fun. I would try to catch them myself and have in the past but the emotional cost to me is too much. And, where they are probably meeting is very tricky to get in and out of without detection so I've avoided doing it. The PI is expensive but not so much so that I'm not willing to do it.
I'm feeling all the fears you mentioned, very much so. But after being here a few days and I know it has to end or I will go insane and it will never end.
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ok all, my father, whom I'm borrowing the $ from for the PI sent me an email, not knowing my WH was at the house and I was not, saying "we're sending the check and I'm sending your H a letter of admonition". Well, my WH wondered if the ck was for a lawyer or a PI. I had to quickly come up with something beliveable, which I think I did. My question now is, will he lay low because of this?? I think it's kinda cool that my dad wants to give him a "what for" 
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My WH just sent me this email, comments please:
"Well I have been spending a lot of time today thinking about coming home... Its pretty clear and obvious how that is absolutely the right thing to do for you and erin, as long as you push aside how I am... I mean I know its the right thing to do... Its just that I know that once I do that I want to be absolutely positive that I will never mess up again... Maybe my problem is that I don't have that kind of faith in myself... I don't know... "
Is this the phsyco-babble of WH still in the PA??
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Also, he said if the $ is for a PI that it would be a waste of $......
Oh and he has no idea how much the ck they are sending is for. I told him it was for an easter gift for our DD.
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Typical wayward fog babble!
It's a shame Father clued him into your plans.
Move forward with a little more caution in the future.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Why is WH able to see your emails?
Do you have it password protected?
He may have also checked your online history to see what websites you've been to. Would he do this?
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Thats too bad. Who knows what to think when your emotions are all over the place. It's hard not to feel that things didn't work out with the OW and that is what he is emotional about. The suggestions on this board were for you to get him home right? But also to get as much intel as possible so you can track the contact with the OW? When was the last time you talked to the OWs H? That could help. So much drama. Do your parents live nearby?
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Why is WH able to see your emails?
Do you have it password protected?
He may have also checked your online history to see what websites you've been to. Would he do this? The email is the account we both use. I erase the browser history.
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Thats too bad. Who knows what to think when your emotions are all over the place. It's hard not to feel that things didn't work out with the OW and that is what he is emotional about. The suggestions on this board were for you to get him home right? But also to get as much intel as possible so you can track the contact with the OW? When was the last time you talked to the OWs H? That could help. So much drama. Do your parents live nearby? He's now waffeling about coming home. BUT legally, I really shouldn't let him come home. Right now I have enough to get a D on A and if we reconcile, that is off the table. I have to be very careful about that as financially it means a lot. my parents are 2.5hrs away.
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My WH just sent me this email, comments please:
"Well I have been spending a lot of time today thinking about coming home... Its pretty clear and obvious how that is absolutely the right thing to do for you and erin, as long as you push aside how I am... I mean I know its the right thing to do... Its just that I know that once I do that I want to be absolutely positive that I will never mess up again... Maybe my problem is that I don't have that kind of faith in myself... I don't know... "
WAH WAH WAH WAHHHHHHH......very much fog babble. I heard the same thing over and over and over and over again. Don't pay any attention to it. Learn to reverse babble. Smile sweetly and nod your head but don't listen or believe or pay any attention to it. All he is doing is trying to keep you from taking away his "toy" and fence sit for as long as he can.
Set yourself up a new email addy that he DOESN'T know about. That way he won't be on to whatever it is you need to do to bust them.....
and about proof....
Do you have access to you cell accounts??? How about credit cards??? YOu don't necessarily need pics of them together for proof. I exposed to COW's H without needing ANYTHING that I did have. Chances are her H is already suspecting something and doing the same run around dance you are. And even if he isn't, you will put a trace of doubt in his brain which will make the A even harder to hide.....
Anyway, set up that account......oh, and the wasting the money on a PI comment.....MORE FOGGINESS.....
not2fun
Is this the phsyco-babble of WH still in the PA??
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Thanks n2f, his cell is corp. so I have no access. I haven't seen any cc activity.
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Just wondering, how many times can I hear, in not so many words, that I just don't love you? How can I survive this? Maybe this is all about that one and only fact. Our marriage was so dead before how can I expect him to think things could be different??
I'm just desparing right now because I did some LBing this weekend. I'm still in the negative....
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I heard the same thing over and over . . .it is so difficult to
take. But at least with a plan you are accelerating the sitch. I waited longer and therefore suffered longer. My H is almost 6 mos with NC and still a little foggy. A lot of damage gets done. I think you need to keep in mind that this is your window of opportunity to take action and do something that could turn things around. You and your daughter deserve this. Being patient is key . . . I was re-reading some of the articles on MB last night and the strategy is dead on. Other philosophies out there are to simply throw in the towel . . . I don't think you want to do that? Are you in a "fault" state?
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If fault means I can D with grounds, then yes. This puts me in a weird situation as I said, allowing back home w/o being sure he really wants R is very risky. I just don't know where I am right now....on the fence I guess but what the heck is that? I can't wait for my book to arrive!
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Why is WH able to see your emails?
Do you have it password protected?
He may have also checked your online history to see what websites you've been to. Would he do this? The email is the account we both use. I erase the browser history. Have you changed this?? Have you set up your own email account so he won't have access?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I do have my own where I store "informational" emails. But this one is my main one. My emails don't really contain stuff about this situation. I use my other one for that. My dad's email was an unfortunate fluke.
I'm feeling that things are weird now between us. Although we communicated last night, see above response, and the story is still the same from him. Maybe it's because of the close call this weekend and me feeling quilty about lying about the check. Yes, guilty, you see, I'm not a natural lier.....
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Just wondering, how many times can I hear, in not so many words, that I just don't love you? Well, this is because he is still in love with the OW and sees her every day. As long as that is the situation and nothing is done to change it, he will feel that way. In order for him to fall in love with you, 2 things need to happen: 1. his affair needs to end - that means all contact with the OW - any contact is a contination of an affair. you can call it "business" if you want, but contact is contact and it keeps his feelings triggered. 2. stop lovebusting him and become a pleasant, attractive alternative I assure you the OW is not lovebusting him at their trysts.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I found evidence of my H's A everywhere I looked. He wasn't really good at covering up anything. His was a long-distance A. and once I started digging it was obvious. I hope you can decide what to do next. It is challenging but time is important. I can't recall how you found out about the A?
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