Thanks Mel, that is what my plan is as of today. I will control and contain my outbursts AND I am going to put a stop to the A, asap. Getting proof thru the PI is my plan right now.

So what is your plan if you don't get the proof?

I don't want to think about that...........I would be screwed. Seriously screwed. I'd probably go ahead and call the OWH and do some brainstorming, if he would be agreeable.

And if he doesn't agree? Because if your H continues to work with the OW, your marriage is over.

Even so, you don't need any more proof TO expose at work. Your H's admission of an affair is sufficient. To the workplace, it doesn't matter if the affair is past or present, but that it happened. They are at legal risk of sexual harrassment because of this and need to know so they can protect themselves legally.

What you get from the PI is not relevant in any way to your workplace exposure. They need to know, regardless of the alleged current state of the affair.

not getting the PI. just really a stupid waste of $. I'm going to ride the fence a while longer and see if anything changes, but I'm not risking his job. I'm not convinced that there is enough of a foundation to even start over for us. Why risk my livelyhood?

Thanks for all your help and advice but I think I'm out of here for now. You guys are GREAT for people who's marriages have some hope. I just don't think mine does.

good luck and God Bless, vst.

Huh? What changed? Of course your marriage has some hope. Most everyone that comes here thinks their marriage is doomed.

This is too bad...seemingly "hopeless" marriages are saved here every single day.

I am sad for your daughter that you are chickening out. What a waste.

Hey MF . . . I want to ask you something?? R u There?

I answered you on thread...but I am sure you will see that soon enough, if you haven't already.

Hello all, I want to apologize for jumping off so abruptly. I just got extremely paranoid that I had shared too much detailed info and that my WH might find this thread. But, I don't think that is the case so I'm back.

I'm just hurting so badly today.......

I did hire the PI and there was C on Thurs. It happened too quickly for them to get pics etc. and he wants me to wait until he gets that, which we think will be this week. WH has been around this weekend and I've played it cool. It just hurts so much I feel like crying constantly.

I think exposing is the way to go but others are telling me that I'm crazy to risk him losing his job. I did make an anonymous call to the HR dept and talked to the VP and posed questions to him. He said unless it was a direct report situation or if it affected job performance most likely there would be no firing. I'm still really scared!

I'm finding it hard to meet his EN when he isn't in the house. I've been very careful not to LB but being affectionate is difficult.....he did tell me his EN are A, SF, RR, PA, H&O. H&O how funny is that??? He's still acting as though things are the same, he's not sure he can committ (thus he isn't here) but talks a little about future stuff. Is even letting me buy the living room furniture I was promised a long time ago. He avoids possibilities of being inimate with me....that hurts a lot.

Has everyone given up on me?

It's the weekend. A lot of people are away from the boards. Be patient.

I feel like he's made his choice......has he? Will exposure change that? Please I need someone to say something. I'm in a puddle from crying all afternoon...

Hello VST.

You are riding the most horrific roller coaster there is. It will take you to the depths of hell. It sounds like you are there today. Just hold on. You will come through this dark tunnel, okay?

I felt the same why 2 years ago as you do right now. There seemed no hope. He (tst) seemed completely gone, and I had no idea how it happened and how I would survive...how WE would survive...me, my 5 children...and even tst...because the man I knew would not survive what he was doing.

I followed the plans. Not because I had no fear; I was terrified. I followed the plans IN SPITE of my fear. I focused on WHAT NEEDED DONE on my end. I chose to do everything in my power to fight for my marriage...REGARDLESS OF MY FEAR.

IF you will follow the plans to a T, you have the best shot at saving your marriage. Exposure is CRITICAL!!! You cannot skip this step, no matter how scared you are. I will talk you through exposure right now...who, how and when. Are you ready?

I've been there. I know the shakes. I know the breathlessness. I know the heart pounding. I know the head spinning. I know the endless sobs.

We have all experienced what you are feeling today. I'm here to tell you that you CAN get through this. But there is no end in sight as long as you continue to protect and enable your WS's affair. With your enabling, this could go on for years...seriously. I've seen it.

The affair will begin to die the minute you expose it to the light of day. Some affairs die IMMEDIATELY. Some die a slow death. But it WILL begin it's death. Dr. H's plan can get you to survive both types of affair deaths.

Are you ready to get focused on your plan and BEGIN?

I am here and will walk you through it if you are....

-exposure
-demonstrating a willingness to meet emotional needs
-avoiding love busters

THAT is Plan A.

verysadtime, there is no reason to say anything more. There are 19 pages of great advice that you just ignored. Why would we make MORE posts? So you can ignore them?

If you want some advice, go read your thread in its entirety. It is all right there.

If you need something to occupy your mind, here's my thread. My very darkest days are recorded here. The crazy lies, history rewriting, fog babble, wacked out behavior, and sheer evil of my WS (now FWS-tst) are recorded there.

Maybe in there you can see that your situation is no more hopeless than mine was.

SMB's dark days