Thanks, Dr. Harley for your input...

I understand where you are coming from and everyone else.

I will confront him at some time soon.

Again, and sorry to bring it up, it is the problem of once i do this, it will probably be found out by my sister and mom...if Dad and I aren't too chummy anymore...they will notice and this will ultimately kill my Mom in her last remaining months/years...her memories destroyed in her final months/years.

Based on your experiences, do you think I can confront him and we keep this between father and son for the next few years??? that is my gamble.

Because my Mom has had decades of laughter and fun with my Dad and all of us together...do i really want her final memories to be that her husband is a scumbag?

You are a good son. Confront your dad and see what he does. I don't think it needs to go beyond a father-son talk.

I say "Think about the unintended consequences."

Best case: You confront your Dad, he drops the affair.
Worst case: You confront your Dad, he does not drop the affair, your mom finds out and Dad stops taking care of mom.

Either way your father has damaged his relationship with you, but how much impact do you want it to have on your mom?

what are your thoughts on how to tell him...over the phone..via email,etc?

Mom and Dad are down south in the warm climate for the next few months...

I don't think we know how to respond to you. You are in such a difficult position.

Normally it should be done face to face.

I am assuming your dad's other woman is not down there near them, right?

If there is at least physical distance now, it is good opportunity now.

Again, I think YOU need some sort of professional guidance or support for this.

I think it would be preferable in person. Perhaps a weekend visit is in order? I think folks didn't answer this question because this is something you can figure out on your own. Now that the hard stuff is out of the way, you can decide the best tactics to achieve that end.

Asonsjourney

You have to have grit for the path you must walk now.

I HATE to talk about the possible death of your mother, but as Dr Harley's infers it is a circumstance that you may use as a lever to end this filthy affair.

I think that you need to find some incontrovertible proof of your fathers affair. You may be convinced of the fact of your fathers affair, but other family members in emotionally jarring circumstances such as those that face your family can take rather more persuasion in my experience.

Wayward spouses are good liars, and everyone would likely feel so sorry for your father at your mothers passing that any unsubstantiated accusation of adultery may just be perceived as cruelty from you; a manifestation of your poor relationship with your dad for example.

Get evidence.

THEN go to see your dad face to face.

Just from my experience. I am sad for your circumstance, friend. The autumn of our loved ones lives should be contemplative and loving, not filled with the filth of betrayal. Blessings upon you and your mother.

thanks again for your inputs...

I have plenty of hard, un-debateable evidence going back at least a year that i can show to others involved if needed...i hope it doesn't come down to this...but you never know.

thanks

I agree with believer. I have a feeling your dad is going to be pretty ashamed and astonished that you know, and there is a good chance that he will end it. I doubt he will be okay with the rest of the family knowing, but threat of exposure could be the leverage you need to see that he ends it.

My question is a question that others may ask you, however. Why didn't you confront him on your mother's and the family's behalf shortly after you learned of the affair a year ago? Do I understand correctly that you've known that long?

(You've done nothing wrong, but be prepared. I would have a good solid answer ready.) My guess is that he will try to justify or rationalize his behavior. If your mother and sister find out, they may ask why the truth was kept from them. I don't think there's much you can do, but I would have some dialoge ready, just in case.

My gut instinct is that your dad will be ashamed and not want them to find out. The other slim possibility is that your mother already knows and may have even given him her blessing. I know it sounds very strange, but stranger things have happened. We may be assuming too much.

this is like a good detective story ...

I have facts and hardproof with dates on them that go back a year. I have not known for a year. I have known for 4 weeks.

I have not acted yet due to what is truly at stake...my entire family history, our great fond memories of Mom and Dad and family, the respect of the overall family and our great standing within the community...and also my Mom's condition on top of all that.

well, my mom is winning

I just spent one hour on the phone with her.

Many topics discussed, family, kids, Dad, Sister, Me, Grandkids...she ended it with how great her husband is to her and takes care of her and manages to keep it all together.

I have decided to not confront my father directly. If I do, I am absolutely convinced that it will effect how he takes care of Mom in a negative way. If this is the quality of life my Mom is okay with...than I am okay with it for now.

I am going to take a different tact...a little more subtle and sly...yet maybe it will do the job.

I am going to send an email as if it were a remote friend from the OW. Stating how, being a god fearing person with morals, that she can stand by any longer..that he should know how devious a woman she really is and that the town knows what is going on and what he is doing to his lovely wife with cancer, etc...

It might give him seconc thouhgts and place uncertainty with this OW.

If that doesn't work, I will confront him myself in 3 to 4 weeks.

My Mom is living moment by moment...70% of the days are crap...I can not be responsible for crushing the remaining 30% of her positive days while she fights her cancer...

Sorry to not follow the hardcore rules of this website, but there are constraints and circumstances that truly effect how I should act.

I am the queen of trying to take everyone's needs into account before acting. It is not easy, since there are so many conflicting needs.

4 weeks is not a lot of time. You are still reeling yourself. Did you stumble upon this, or did you suspect?

No one knows if your father will let this go easily. Most don't, even when they have guilt and shame.

That is why if the two of them are physically separated for a time, it makes the odds better that the can maintain no contact, at least physically, which is so important after the affair is exposed.

You must feel you have the whole world on your shoulders, right now. As much as you can't believe it, it IS possible you mother has some knowledge or inkling. As a mom, even in her situation, I would rather ANYTHING transpire rather than inflicting additional conflict or pain.

If she were counseling you, what do you think she would advise if she could be a disinterested outsider? That's not a fair question, and it is way too fresh for you, but I am sure she would want you to think about your own relationships and the impact on the relationships within your family in the future, not just her feelings.

I truly feel for you, and do hope you seek additional guidance.

Just saw your last response.

You sound encouraged, but please be advised that affairs are powerful forces. They rarely just go away, even when you intervene in the most direct manner.

I wish you the very best!

"I am going to send an email as if it were a remote friend from the OW. Stating how, being a god fearing person with morals, that she can stand by any longer..that he should know how devious a woman she really is and that the town knows what is going on and what he is doing to his lovely wife with cancer, etc...

It might give him seconc thouhgts and place uncertainty with this OW.

If that doesn't work, I will confront him myself in 3 to 4 weeks."

My concern here would be that he would panic and come clean - to your mother - to the entire family - for fear they'd hear it from an outsider...the opposite of what you want.

Also, if it doesn't work in your favor and you confront him later, you don't think he would connect the remote email to you?
What would be the repercussions of that coming out?

Affairs sure aren't cut and dry, are they? ...

I think it is best to pull him aside and tell him what you know, express your disappointment and concern, and let him deal with how to patch things up between the two of you. You can tell him that you have no intention of telling your mother and sister (if that's what you think is best.)

However, you can also tell him that how he handles the situation will determine whether or not, after your mother passes, you will be continuing a relationship with him or whether or not you will allow him to have a relationship with your children.

You're protecting him, protecting your relationship with him, when you know in your heart that your respect and feelings for him have already been altered in a negative way by his own design. Why is that?

Keeping a huge negative secret like this inside of you will eat at you over the years. Please consider approaching him yourself. Consider your own healing process from this and what it will take...