Hi BF,

Been off the boards for a week, so I was very happy to return to your thread and see what you've done. You may be riding a horse you never wanted to climb onto, but at least now you're holding the reins! This will serve you well, whether a D goes through or not.

And I DO think an invisible hand has been guiding you--to Plan B, to a lawyer who's been in your shoes, to the counselor who's been helping you--all of it. You're in good hands, and your own good sense will not fail you.

And you will get back to "normal," only none of us can say exactly when or how, or what you will see along the way. You can't know what, if anything, could be gained by "stalling" the D process. YOU are certainly in no hurry to make a life with someone else, so what's the rush? The more you move toward wanting out yourself, the more you will be willing to take steps to get there, but even if WH files, you're in a safe place within yourself already. You've made it to the point where you can't lose, no matter how this ends. And you're more in control of deciding for yourself than you've ever been.

You're gonna be OK.

Right Here Waiting

I think you right on -- regardless of the outcome, I do believe that I am going to ok.

Thanks, RHW!

Oh I forgot to add this nice little 'threat' WH added to the last email through the IM: my response is in orange:


"Also, please know that I'm aware you're in contact with B(his previous female supervisor). I obviously can't tell you who to talk to or what to say about our situation, but I hope you realize that what ever you feel you gains from continuing to 'expose' my mistakes this may also have an impact on me professionally and financially. I realize that these are consequences I ultimately chose and you're unconcerned with, however this does nothing to heal things as far as I'm concerned, only creates animosity in me, and may directly affect my ability to meet our financial obligations-debts, spousal support, etc.-but most especially the needs of our children as a co-parent. I'll need to discuss with my attorney and this will likely factor into whatever we negotiate.

For sure, your poor choices will impact many areas of our lives. "

Is that not a veiled threat?! My conversations with her and many women I met through him have little to nothing to do with him. They are offering support and positive social interactions and I am taking them up on it because I need, say it with me folks, "support and positive social interactions!"

She even invited me to a woman's adventure group to ride horses -- you think I'd give that up to make him feel better? I'm sure he will be the LAST thing we talk about!!!!

oooo.. the nerve of that wayward!!!!

"Oh, I'm back in the saddle again...."

Believe me, BF, I got the same threats. I was told this is OUR business...that no one else needs to know and no one else really cares. But he acknowledged that he COULD lose business or his job if word got around to certain people. And this would result in ME being left high and dry.

WHs can be sooooooooooo stupid. I say this because my WH is a banker -- in a position of TRUST and LOYALTY and FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY. Hummmm....so he lies (can't trust him), leaves his wife and kids (no loyalty) and is deep in debt (can't even manage his own finances).

And I'm a lovely wife. Pillar of the community. With hundreds of relatives in our town alone -- where WH only has his parents, 2 siblings and an aunt. See -- my great grandparents were pioneers -- grandmother was even delivered by an Indian midwife. And grandmother was one of 10 kids -- and all 10 stayed in town, married and...well...multiplied. Thus, many, many relatives in all different lines of work.

So.....poor WH is getting "the look" from relatives and family and friends and school mates, etc. He can't go anywhere without running into one of my relatives.

Don't let his threats scare you, BF. His attorney won't do a thing about you telling your supporters the TRUTH.

And speaking of supporters -- I have a HUGE following that keep me busy with lunches, and dinners, and fashion shows and shopping. My two biggest supports were both associated with WH before me. One was a former employee of his and the other's H was WHs former boss. Remember that GOOD people, regardless of whether or not they were your friend first or your WH's first, will show their support.

Just try not to let the threats get to you. The latest is that WH will quit his job and live off the OW's money if he's ordered to pay too much is support. Geee...how will they afford the Ritz Carlton on the salary of a Mary Kay bimbo? That's an awful lot of blue eye shadow she need to unload!!!

I see not only a veiled threat, but an admission of culpability. More than he's acknowledged before, no? Still, he's trying to blame you--YOU are "creating animosity." Still foggy, obviously, but I see a seed of awareness of his own culpability. Of course, he glosses over it, because HE couldn't POSSIBLY be the bad guy, but it sounds like something is seeping through. He's fighting it, but if there is anything of a real man in him, this will gnaw at him.

You may or may not care at the moment, and I'm with you wherever you're at with it, but it's just an observation I had to make.

RHW

Hmmmm. Interesting.

I hope some of this is not only gnawing at him, but taking huge chunks out of his fog!

My hope also is that as I move towards a healthier understanding of who I am and what I want and need, he will begin to face more and more the fallout of his selfish choices. I also no longer see D as the end -- for me or for our future. If that is what he wants, I cannot stop him, but I can continue to say I don't desire it. My favorite mantra is "detach, detach" because it reminds me that my well-being and happiness are not controlled by him.

Talking with OW just cemented for me how sick she is and how GLAD I am not her!!

Ok, so here's today's update:

Had a really good (but difficult) IC session last night. Processed WH's email threat as well as the knowledge that he's got this clear plan to D me and then "appropriately" get with OW. Counselor really worked with me to see the dysfunction there that is even beyond waywardness, but that's where I could use some insights from FWS. Did you have a "plan"; did you have everything worked out despite seeing how much pain you were causing?
I have a hard time believing that WH is doing what he's doing just because of the fog. What I am beginning to think is that H was like this all along and only did not act on how selfish and callous he was. That has me questioning everything about M!!

Other news, since DS11 has said that he is ok with seeing WH, I've had him come help with mornings again. Typically, I would not be there, but I have been this week and have seen and talked to him. I know I'm in B, but this works for me and my kids and guess what, it barely bothers me! I was suprised today how I felt nothing. No anxiety, nothing. Just glad for the help. I did enjoy knowing that I looked pretty fabulous, tho...

I think I reached a point, after feeling very sad, that I am ok with this plan of his -- let him pursue his OW and deal with the consequences. I have a clear conscience and I can interact with him by my rules and be ok. Today as I looked at him, I just felt pity. He's planning to move on to a relationship with a serial cheater; his children want nothing to do with her; his family will never fully accept her (and guess what -- I will still be in that family, as well, as they have made perfectly clear) and professionally it will impact people's opinion of him. Even without knowledge of the affair, to see a man with a woman 10 years younger, knowing that he left his wife and kids, will influence what people think of the once infallible WH. The myth is gone and I think its gone for me, too...

BF,

Of course, this all stinks, but if you can see WH without being upset, it speaks of your personal recovery.

I, for one, had believed from the beginning that he would pull his head out of his you-know-what, but if he's still planning to pursue an OW of such dubious character, that tells me that HE is of a similar dubious character himself. Could that change? Of course, but it would take a long time and could only happen after his lousy choices play out to the inevitable end. By then, you will be inhabiting a different galaxy and he will be left to deal with the mess on his own.

Can't say you didn't give him better options...

RHW

Your right! I have given him chance after chance and it makes so much sense to me now that he has always had the same plan -- divorce and then be together. The only hitches have been my exposing them and learning more and more about their affair. I think his pursuing other woman will be another hitch for them -- so glad that is not my problem anymore! Its hers, if she wants it!!!

Poor waywards! Sometimes they just aren't thinking straight, ya' know?!
So my soon to be retained lawyer emails me a list of lawyers who practice 'collaborative law' for my WH. He agrees with the concept, etc, so I forward it to him.
He sends an email to her and I asking, essentially if she will represent us both, to save money! He thinks it should be doable because there is not a lot of contested issues (except the D itself!)
I respond back to both, very politely, that I insist that I have my own advocate, as I do not desire the divorce and do not want to perhaps agree to something that would not be good for me or the children.
Lawyer responds back as well, with a polite, uh, "NO", she cannot represent both parties and narrows down the list for him.
What the h*ll is he thinking? Just because I am kind and reasonable does not mean I am crazy or a doormat? If he wants to divorce me, I am going to have a lawyer -- he has a track record of lying -- I am going to have a lawyer!! He is still lying about his 'plan' with OW -- I am going to have a lawyer!!!Of course its going to cost money! The whole process and end result are going to just about financially ruin us -- is this a suprise to him???
Geez, maybe he not just foggy, but maybe completely cloud covered?!!!

Oh, WAAAAY beyond foggy. He's suffering from HUTA Syndrome. Sruprised he hasn't suffocated. It's REAL dark up there, too.

Good for you for being so clear about having your own legal advocate. Doormat? I think NOT!

Another similarity. Bimbo is 10 years younger than WH.

And WH is clueless about the legal system. Thinks it can be done painlessly without ANY attorneys.

Hello? You, WH, are a liar and a cheater. You are living with OW and her kids. And your priorities are not me and OUR kids. Therefore, I need an attorney to be my advocate.

Try this phrase on your WH ..."I need my own attorney because you are not sitting at my table."

I don't know if I heard that somewhere or just made it up, but it pi$$ed off my WH when I said that.

What is he thinking? "I can manipulate her some more so I don't have to spend as much money."

That's what I thought! This can not be rational thought on his part -- its almost fantasy and I think part of his 'Plan': D as quickly as he can and as cheaply as he can so he can build his life with OW. And there must be a thought there that if he's 'happy' then everyone will be happy for him -- regardless of how much pain he's caused!

I keep thinking about the story someone told here about the man standing up in court after his affair and D and being angry at the judge's decision saying, "but this isn't what I planned!!!" silly waywards!

I got a feeling the ending is NEVER what the wayward plans... :crosseyedcrazy: He just might be card-carryin' crazy.

That's what a friend of mine thought, too, that there is a real strong need for him to control this process and assumes that I will be agreeable no matter what...

That has been one of my thoughts, tooo!!! It makes me wonder, has he always been like this? His brother thinks its almost like he's had some sort of psychotic break -- so guilt-ridden, so depressed, that his brain just went, 'poof!' and is now in a complete world of denial and fantasy!

I also just faxed over my retainer agreement with my lawyer so I will be ready. I will also have to pay a hefty retainer, as well. This will probably be a little more reality than he's going to like, but I'm pretty sure that when people divorce/dissolve marriages it costs some money...
Again, not what I want, but I have to protect myself and the kids now.

Glad you are now sitting in the driver's seat. Yes, he's gonna do what he's gonna do, but you don't have to be victimized by it. I think he sorely underestimated you.

PS: You've got mail.

Hey BF!

Just got caught up on your thread. It's really pretty simple to see. You WH just wants to end the marriage as quickly and cheaply as possible so he can move on with his life. He believes deep down that you still trust him to do what is right for you and the kids (and you have even said that yourself here) so he believes that you will follow his lead and do whatever he asks. He just wants it done quickly and cheaply.....period.

You have come a very long way in a couple of short weeks. I've seen a change in your posts. You are moving from reactive to proactive...from blind follower to knowledgable leader. Keep up this good work to protect yourself and the children. You cannot trust WH to do the right thing for any of you right now.

At the same time, keep working on you! You really are doing well.

Mindshare

Thanks for your response, Mindshare. You are probably right on with my WH, but it was really hard to read, "You WH just wants to end the marriage as quickly and cheaply as possible so he can move on with his life."
I felt almost immediately like a piece of poo stuck to his shoe -- not very goddessey of me...
Anyway, I also got his information re: the lawyer he selected and I had a very low night. I've been crying for the last 45 minutes, but it has finaly slowed down, so I hope I have moved through the pain a little more.
To see how seemingly comfortable he is with this process brings about the following thoughts:
He is not wayward; he really was not in love with me and finding that he could love another only proved that he needed to leave me (rip the band aid off) for everyone's good. He is not foggy, he knows what is best for everyone and if only he had said something earlier, he would have hurt me less...
And, finally, if only BF439 could come to the enlightened state he is, i would see the GOOD of all this. For now, I am just a confused wife who cannot come to terms with reality...
This is the stuff that goes through my mind... I would love a reality check on it -- if that's possible. Like I said, I am having a LOW night...
BF439