Wow, it has been so long since I posted! I have had some health problems, some situations where I had contact with WH and a few 'disasters' in the past few weeks. Where to start...

Still recovering from some of the symptoms from the septoplasty that I had in December. Healing well, but not completely, so I don't feel myself physically anymore. Can't eat whatever I want and often on antibiotics, which make me tired, so, as if the emotional stress was not enough...

Had contact with WH starting a month ago as I went through the process of buying a vehicle that works for me and the kids (rather than the guilt car he bought me last summer) because that other car was in his name. Started to let him be around more and help more, which allowed him to see the kids more. Did not track how it was tearing me up and finally found out that (of course) that he has been seeing OW again for awhile (if he ever stopped) and I about had a break-down. THIS IS WHY WE HAVE B, NEWBIES!!!!! I had an emotional night last week where I confronted OW at her apartment. Not part of any plan -- letting my emotions run me into the ground. The bright side was that my therapist said at least it was a genuine expression of anger towards someone who has hurt me, which I guess is better than turning it on myself!!!!

Anyways...
After this episode, I had a very emotional conversation with WH -- we both cried tons and he said over and over how badly he felt that he hurt me and how he misses me and the kids and how he reached out to her because he was lonely, but yet he can't change how he feels, and how he'll never wear a wedding ring again, blah, blah, blah... I believe nothing anymore, not even myself.

Let this be a tale of caution to anyone attempting to apply MB principles -- I have not and it is all a mess and I feel a mess...

We have our first meeting with the lawyers in a couple of weeks and in my state, there is nothing I can do to stop the divorce. If I contest it, I'll just put us further in debt.

I pray every day for this to hurt less and I pray every day to have the strength to see this affair and its fall-out as a reflection on my WH, but its so hard to do that when I've been uncerimoniously 'dumped' as well. My counselor says trust the process -- the healing process when there is a divorce. MB says affairs rarely last, but this one seems to be going gangbusters, no matter what the cost, and my friends say, hey, he never appreciated you anyways, so let him go. Instead of getting less confusing, it has gotten moreso. There are more and more better days, I do have to remind myself of that, but when I do get knocked down, its a doozie!

Any advice on how to get back on track or not? D is imminent, OW is not going away; his family has made it abundantly clear that they don't want her around (as have the kids) -- Should I just, dare I say it, "move on?"

BF439...

Same boat, BF, as usual.

I can't stop the divorce either but I AM contesting it. It will NOT be friendly or quick. And if it costs too much -- too damn bad. Doubt WH thinks of our finances when he's banging OW.

And he filed -- I didn't. So I feel justified spending $ since I have to defend myself and the kids from his actions.

And WH needs some consequences. D may be the start of some unpleasantries.

My suggestion -- get back into dark Plan B. Stop talking with him or interacting with him or letting him boo-hoo on your shoulder. If he really feels bad about hurting you and the kids, he'd dump POSOW in a heartbeat, come back home, and spend the rest of his life making it up to you. Period.

And the less contact, the less tears.

Keep praying. That helps me tremendously. I KNOW God is on my side. Just give it up to HIM to take you down the right path.

I'm so sorry. I agree, just out of stubbornness, I would put myself into debt just to make HIM go into bankruptcy for divorcing me. How about asking his family and your family to help you pay the court costs?

In that vein, how about paying $50 to put a sign in your yard saying 'ask me about my husband and POSOW.' You aren't saying anything, you are just saying people can talk to you. ;0

Who filed? If it was him, let him pay for all the fees. Have your atty request this saying you would have rather spent the money on marriage counseling since you do not want to dissolve the marriage. Just remember -- WH is NOT your friend and he's NOT sitting at your table.

And for me personally -- I think I've hit the "angry" stage. And what makes me angry is checking credit card receipts and seeing that on the same day I charged $167 at Target, he charged $2,538 for a suite in Las Vegas. So while I was shopping for kleenex and shampoo and taking care of the kids, he was banging OW in a jacuzzi full of champagne.

See -- knowledge is both power AND a reality check for me. I was, am and will continue to be "the responsible" parent. But isn't it MY time to have a little fun AND get some justice served?

That, my friend, is why I don't mind getting further in debt.

Hi BF,

I'm sad to hear that you are in so much pain. Just let me know if you need me to run interference with the Romulan. I'm never too busy to help if you need me.

Take care,

Charlotte

OH, bf, I am so sorry you're in this place. You have been so strong for so long now, but the pressure has been unrelenting.

I agree that going dark again is your best bet. Also agree with those that say "damn the torpedoes!" He filed--let HIM pay.

Praying for peace for you and your little ones.

RHW

Bf, I am so sorry to hear this. You have been so strong, but the pressure is unrelenting. Active waywards are so very dangerous.

Please go dark again. Very, very dark.

Praying for peace for you, and for your little ones.

RHW

Thanks, HH, charlotte & RHW. It has been a rough week! I feel like am very much in a dark B, and part of that is that I am just disgusted by him. Being around him is just the last thing I want to do.
I'm okay with direct contact as long as it's electronic, about the kids of finances. I'm moving forward on house and garden projects that I want. That keeps me busy and excited about things.
Girls night out is fun, too, and I've been meeting some really nice people lately, too.
I'm probably just a little numb, but I'm going to try to be cheerful for the kids--fake it til you make it!
Hugs!!!!!

Who told you this? That there's nothing you can do to stop it. Who told you if you contest it, it'd put you further in debt? You have a "joint" meeting with the lawyer(s)??!?!? As in your using the same one?

BAD IDEA. YOUR attorney should be YOUR advocate. If nothing has been filed yet, why one earth would you cooperate with meeting the attorneys. Come on BF, don't give in like this. Just because your WH says it so, doesn't mean it is.

Make HIM pay the filing fee if he insists on filing. There are WAYS that you can delay the process.

((((BF)))))

we each have our own lawyer. I went to one to be sure I knew what my rights were. Before I even met her, WH told me that he was going to use part of the 401k for a lawyer. I think at that point I did kind of give up.
My lawyer told me that in Ohio, which is no fault, I would not really gain anything to stall. He has no grounds for D until September( 1 year out of the house).
What would I gain? He's going to file regardless and this "collaborative" process will hopefully get the kids what we need. I don't have to see him, though.

Any ohioans out there with suggestions? Sometimes I think about changing the title of my thread, buy after 10 months I am still so confused.....

Ok -- I'm just learning here. Have been to two consultations, read up on law and stuff via internet, and have first official meeting on Thursday.

Again -- why make it easy on him? You have three kids. He has abandoned his family. I know you are Best Friend, but you are NOT his friend. Got it?

According to the attorney, there is a formula used for the kids. However, spousal support is not determined by formula. Other factors go into it. And there are always "add ons" for other things.

OK --OK -- I may be naive -- but I gotta believe that an attorney KNOWS the law and will get you the best deal.

My agenda?...hummmmm....make WH squirm A LOT. He's lied and cheated and has put us in so much debt BECAUSE of the AFFAIR. I figure I only have one chance to negotiate the best deal, why not give it my best shot?

As for 401K -- to hell with it! Mine is about half what it once was and I know of some who have pretty much lost it all. Who cares if it goes away at this point? It's for the future anyway.

BF -- we have a lot in commom. My WH has pretty much dictated everything since D-Day which was 16 months ago.

He decided if/when/how he was breaking up with OW, he decided if/when/how he was moving out or back in, he decided to meet OW out of town when we were supposedly back together, he decided to spend money buying her jewelry, he decided when/where to meet her for lunch/dinner/drinks/sex, he decided when to include her kids in their outtings, he decided to miss church/counseling appointment/kids game/night out we had planned, he decided to break promises he made to God/priest/me/parents/kids/friends, he decided to file......

He....well...we'll be here all night.

Point being -- he has made EVERY decision since he decided to bang OW the first time.

Now it's my turn to make a decision. To stand my ground. To fight for every last cent.

I've been stepped on for too long. And, granted, I let him do that due to my emotional state.

But I've grown stronger. I am not afraid. And I've grown a pair of big hairy ones......

DO IT, BF. What do you have to lose???

Maybe you need a second opinion from another attorney who is willing to fight for you.

Ohio DOES allow you to file on the grounds of adultery:

The court of common pleas may grant divorces for the following causes:

(A) Either party had a husband or wife living at the time of the marriage from which the divorce is sought;

(B) Willful absence of the adverse party for one year;

(C) Adultery;

(D) Extreme cruelty;

(E) Fraudulent contract;

(F) Any gross neglect of duty;

(G) Habitual drunkenness;

(H) Imprisonment of the adverse party in a state or federal correctional institution at the time of filing the complaint;

(I) Procurement of a divorce outside this state, by a husband or wife, by virtue of which the party who procured it is released from the obligations of the marriage, while those obligations remain binding upon the other party;

(J) On the application of either party, when husband and wife have, without interruption for one year, lived separate and apart without cohabitation;

(K) Incompatibility, unless denied by either party.

http://codes.ohio.gov/orc/3105.01

BF,

I'm in Ohio and I filed for a LSA on grounds of adultery. My WH filed for a D charging Cruelty, Gross Neglect etc. and hasn't stopped finding additional charges to throw at me yet. Anyway, my atty said because we are a no-fault state, none of it really matters. He said the judge will only care that the assets are divided evenly. In our case, we don't have little ones involved though.

I don't know about elsewhere, but here it has been a long process with many, many delays. Seems you can get a delay here by just sneezing.

Thanks, princessmeggy! You have given me a lot to think about. I read through the "participation agreement" for the collaborative law process. I really felt how could I agree to it, if I don't desire a divorce at all? I don't see myself sitting calmly dismantling my life and not going back into "past issues."
I emailed those thoughts to my lawyer and let WH know as well. I reserve the right to change my mind, but I can only do so much here, and I know in my gut that this doesn't feel right.
This is all interesting to me in that I also feel for the first time that I am thoroughly disgusted with him and don't want to see or talk to him. I am enjoying time with my kids and friends and loving working on the house and garden. I'm in a different space, but yet my gut says to not take part in this. Its not best for me or the kids, and I think not for him, too.

That's going to depend on your judge, though. In OWH's case the judge factored the adultery in when she made her decision.

I have no idea if our judge will do the same in our county, we shall see. (He is Cool Beans, our judge--long, tall drink o'water, too!) It will be hard not to LMAO, though, if he does. Well, I will be LMAO anyway, LOL! (Quietly, so I won't get in trouble. )

Charlotte

Via email, the Romulan (WH) said he knows I don't want this, that its all him, but that he'd still like to meet with the lawyers and see what our options are. I emailed my lawyer, because I don't even want to bother if going the one time will be a waste of money.
I'm not sure what's going on for me today, but as soon as I read through some of the documents, I thought, "I do NOT want to go to this meeting and pretend I am ready to divorce." But if its inevitable, why live in denial?
This is me: , and a little and finally, (on the verge of...)

BF439

IMO, I think if this were a friendly D and you both just mutually decided to live your own lives, and both of you had the exact same priorities, and it was a non-emotional event, and -- here's the biggy -- you TRUSTED WH, -- then this might be OK. It would just basically be a business deal and not much more.

But that doesn't seem like your sitch.

WH is a cheater. He no longer has your back. And he doesn't have the back of his kids because he cheated on their mother, left them, and is divorcing her for a skanky OW.

Hummmmm.....why let the attorneys work out a nice agreement for you and an equally nice agreement for him when he's the dirty, rotten, scoundrel who caused this mess in the first place?

You want a GREAT, FABULOUS agreement for you and the kids and for him to -- basically -- live on love, bread and water. Remember -- one less dime for you is a dime for the OW. Why would you want her to have a stick of gum?

Another idea -- you want to APPEAR to go for the jugular so that WH gets a reality check as to life as a divorced man. Maybe he'll have an awakening dealing with attorney fees, custody decisions, kids being angry, assets being divided, debt being shifted, etc.

You do not want this divorce so don't act all agreeable about it. And stop talking with WH -- use your attorney.

Again, IMO, and believe me -- I'm just getting started on my D so I may change my naive views down the line -- But I think it is way too soon for your attorney to be settling for anything right now.

And BF, if you're still so emotional about this -- and believe me, I am too -- then why not drag this out a while until your are LESS emotional about it? You said yourself that you're feeling better each day and really enjoying your life with the kids and the gardening.

Build your inner strength now for the fight of your life down the line. I'm just afraid that you will be taken advantage of if you AGREE with anything right now.

Now, if I can only take my own advice.......

I agree with HH.

If it's inevitable, why make it easy for him? For the man who tore out your heart, stomped on it, and laughed in your face (figuratively)? IIWY, I would be so stubborn, and mean, and stubborn...that it would be ME he remembers on his death bed, and thinks yet again about how he screwed up.

But that's just me!

EXACTLY!! You WANT to burst his bubble thinking that you're going to "go along" just to "get along." Don't fall for this! Tell him you've changed your mind and you've decided to seek your own counsel to find out what's best for YOU and the KIDS. Not what's best for HIM.

So here's my update:
We moved the lawyer meeting up a week and I talked to my lawyer who was supportive, but warned me that he could stop supporting us as much as he is. But she also said, we could continue with discussions, but not pursue the collaborative model since I don't want the divorce.

WH is out of town again and I've got two out of three kids sick and I have an infection that has me on antibiotics for the past two weeks. That has me operating at a pretty reduced capacity which makes it so hard to stay on top of everything.
My in-laws are coming in town this weekend and are staying with me and the kids, so I'm trying to clean the house up with no kid help because they are still sick! AARRGGHH!!!!

So thats just me overwhelmed; one of the many side effects of being dumped...

So, DD13 has been really struggling with her relationship with her dad (of course) and she asked him to quit seeing OW until the D and to quit smoking. His responses are all, "its not that simple" and more of all-about-me-as-a-misunderstood- wayward. So I tactfully (in text form) informed him that his daughter needs to see him choose her, if you will, for her to want to rebuild a relationship.
Here are some gems from his responses:
"I've been gone for 8 months, alone mostly, and I can't be alone anymore."
"Just want her to know that I love her and that I never thought she wouldn't want me in her life because I love someone besides you."
"there's been no opportunity for her to see my side"

If anyone wants to take a stab at that fog babble, be my guest! I responded simply, right or wrong, the kids, especially DD13, see him choosing OW over them, they see me choosing to be alone because of my values and because thats what they need and his words have little impact because of his actions. I said it with out LB and focused it entirely on the kids.
He and OW are really hurting my kids now and it pisses me off to no end that he is still being as selfish as he is!

Grrr... mama bear does not like it when my babies cry.....