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Rick,
NC is already a given, so.....
Any questions your DW has, you need to answer openly and honestly.
The A may have ended over 3 years ago for you, but for your DW it has been over 3 years of lies. She has just discovered the truth of her worst fears.
You both have a long road ahead if you intend to restore this M. And yes, it can be done!
Order the books "Surviving an Affair" and read it yourself ASAP. Also order the book "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" and begin reading it together. I recommend reading the entire book and then going back and answering the questions after that.
There is also a new course Dr. Harley has just started offering, I'll be back to give you the link.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Rick:
Its up to you to post, and learn.
There are several FWH around here to help you out. If tst is on your thread, you have excellent support.
You can realize MUCH by just reading. I bumped my "It's Curtains for LG" thread so that maybe you can read up on that.
After 4.5 years of an active PA, I came clean in the days after D-day.
I made a choice. A choice to stop the lying. And I have held myself to that since. It made ALL THE DIFFERENCE in the world to Flamingo. And she knew it from the start.
Mrs R22 KNEW that you were NOT being truthful. Now that it has come out, you have a shot at recovering this.
Don't blow it. My marriage was DONE before Dday, and before Flamingo found MB. Had she NOT found MB three days before D-Day, I would be divorced now.
Reading His Needs, Her Needs and Surviving an Affair is a must. You need to understand these books and make the changes in yourself needed to allow your BW to remain married to you.
She needs to do some changing as well. She can learn alot from those books as well. She can learn by posting her story as well.
At least you are through withdrawal. And seem to have found you way back to Mrs R22. Now its time to do this from a place of honesty.
And you will be amazed by what happens now...
LG
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Thanks to most of you for your thoughts and advice. Here are some answers to some of your questions. My DW is beside me as I write.
I last saw the OW almost 3 years ago. I have not had any contact other then the NC email after my DW sent her a text.
The affair last about 6 months. The physical part of the affair occured in the last 45 days.
I worked with the OW but moved to a different company almost at the same time of discovery.
I in no way feel honorable in coming clean. Their is nothing honorable in what I have done to my DW.
I am willing to do whatever it takes to to heal this pain. I failed as a man and as a husband but Im here because we think we can survive.
I would appreciate all sincere comments but I'd really like to hear from a vet wayward.
My DW wants to hear from a FBS and how she was able to get past the betrayal. She wants the details of the affair but fears those will remain in her head forever. How are you able to be intimate after knowing it was a PA?
In time I hope my DW will post. She says it's to soon. Marriage Builders is great but may I suggest a resource just for your BW. I have personally been through this program for BS and it is very good. Christian based. ***edit***
Last edited by Maverick_mb; 04/03/09 07:02 PM. Reason: removing link
BH: 46
FWW: 44
3 DD: 20,17,11
Married 24 years
PA/EA: 5/08
DDay: 6/08
NC: 8/08
Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08
In Recovery
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rick,
Read your post and look at how much of your marriage, especially the three years after your affair focused on
YOU.
Then sit in silence and consider how much you could have focused on your wife.
In your mind, there are excuses, justifications, and "reasons" for your affair.
They are meaningless, because in the end, you had only one choice when it came down to it.
The choice went like this:
The OW was tempting to you. You KNEW it was wrong. You chose to give into the temptation.
That choice - regardless of any reason, justification, or anything else you can tell yourself - is what you need to explore about yourself. You need to be able to dig really deep inside, and understand what made you tell yourself it was okay to betray yourself, your own moral judgement, and then turn right around
and somehow make up all the "reasons" it was okay to do it
and somehow then
lie for three years about it.
That, rick, is your chore.
Your wife's chore is to ride the rollercoaster. She did not buy the ticket. You did.
She did not put herself on the ride. You did.
She cannot control when the ride goes up, or down, or when it twists in the dark, or corkscrews left or right, or the bottom seems to fall out from under her suddenly. And, by the way, neither can you.
And neither of you have any control over when the ride stops.
But you are both in the right place to begin the path to recover your marriage. You have some work to do. Grab your boots, because the sooner you start working on recovery, the better you can help your wife deal with that roller coaster ride. And she will need your help - and if you can help her, your chances are better for keeping her in your life.
My advice, as a former betrayed wife, and a former wayward wife as well, is to get your fanny in gear on the working end of life.
SB
Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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Kat and Rick need you to go away
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I was going to suggest an MB weekend, but I don't see one scheduled ???
Someone please tell me that they are still doing the seminars. Vittoria, it looks like they have created an at home course that combines elements of the weekend forum and the home study course. There is a link for it that just showed up yesterday that even has a video.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I was going to suggest an MB weekend, but I don't see one scheduled ???
Someone please tell me that they are still doing the seminars. Vittoria, it looks like they have created an at home course that combines elements of the weekend forum and the home study course. There is a link for it that just showed up yesterday that even has a video. Bummer..... Thanks though for the info.
M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA
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Kat and Rick need you to go away Is this going to turn into Romper Room?
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Is this going to turn into Romper Room? You mean with Miss Betty??? LOL
M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA
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LOL I think during my time it was Miss Mary Ann.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I would appreciate all sincere comments but I'd really like to hear from a vet wayward. Actually you have. Several posters to your thread, including me, are former waywards. Why would this make a difference? You can get just as much help from a BS as a WS. I would agree with MelodyLane. Everyone here on this site, whether they are BS or WS, will be able to give you excellent advice. Listen to them. Everyone here has been through what you are experiencing in some way or the other. Invest time in your wife's recovery because as a WS myself, you can't expect her to start recovery until you see how selfish you have been. All comments to you will be sincere in some way or the other. They are all ways to help teach you or make you see your behavior and what you have done. Don't get defensive... it never helps. I would know. Take the 2x4's and learn from them. Good luck. You have a long way to go but recovery can happen. I lied to my BS for a year and unfortunately, you like me, are starting over from the beginning. But, now is your chance to try and help heal the wounds that you have caused. lindz0225
WW - 31 (me)
BH - 33
A 2/8/08-3/26/08
NC 4/21/08
DDay #1 - 4/21/08, DDay #2 - 4/25/08,
DDay #3 - 3/2/09, DDay #4 - 3/3/09
Final DDay - 4/21/09
Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love makes up for many of our faults.
I Peter 4:8
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LOL I think during my time it was Miss Mary Ann. Well, I remember her too.  That was a local show, on a local tv network .... Sorry Rick ... just skim by us.
M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA
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LOL I think during my time it was Miss Mary Ann. Well, I remember her too. That was a local show, on a local tv network .... Sorry Rick ... just skim by us. Hmmm...well I don't know who it was then lol. Whoever was looking though the circle (or whatever it was) saying and I see V, and b_r, and Mel. 
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Don't get defensive... it never helps. I would know. Take the 2x4's and learn from them.  Off to go  with H. Y'all have a good night.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I does not really matter who delivers the message - the message is what is important. What you want to do is to read ** link ** about the basic concepts. Read - then ask questions about how to apply the basic concepts to your situation. The basic MARRIAGE BUILDING program is at your disposal. The best advice comes from persons with an understanding of the MB concepts. Like they say in AA meetings: Principles above Personalities
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I does not really matter who delivers the message - the message is what is important. What you want to do is to read ** link ** about the basic concepts. Read - then ask questions about how to apply the basic concepts to your situation. The basic MARRIAGE BUILDING program is at your disposal. The best advice comes from persons with an understanding of the MB concepts. How does this apply to Romper Room ... I need clarity ???? Really, I not trying to be funny, but I don't understand Pepperband.  Where is the post that this is regarding?
M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA
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I does not really matter who delivers the message - the message is what is important. What you want to do is to read ** link ** about the basic concepts. Read - then ask questions about how to apply the basic concepts to your situation. The basic MARRIAGE BUILDING program is at your disposal. The best advice comes from persons with an understanding of the MB concepts. How does this apply to Romper Room ... I need clarity ???? Really, I not trying to be funny, but I don't understand Pepperband. Where is the post that this is regarding? LOL My bad .... I was responding to the original poster's comment I would appreciate all sincere comments but I'd really like to hear from a vet wayward. and furthermore.... Miss Nancy was the rockinest Romber Room hostess ever ! 
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Whew ... And 
M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA
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